| The Piano Man
Posted: 3/24/2008 10:20:14 PM | Easter Sunday I had the good fortune of having the incredible opportunity to injury my testicles or the muscle lining of my lower abdominal region by moving a piano. Does one really wish to engage in said activity before a big meal? Well before is better due to the fact that projectile vomiting is not appreciated by many and we would have had more then one person heaving while we were struggling with the beast after eating to the bursting alien symbiotic stage.
The piano in question does indeed have history. It was purchased in the 50s from a Stanford frat house so some particulate matter from many of the original beer fest can still be found within the piano itself. Damn a stand up vomitorium. It cost but a scant 25 bucks and only had to air out for a week before being wheeled into the house. The remains of only one skeleton were to be found within it and that belonged to a small spider monkey. Obviously the frat boys loved to get it drunk and it had fallen into the piano only to be hammered to death when one of the boys started playing some boogey woogie. It is amazing how being intoxicated drowns out horrid screaming! I will have to remember that.
I was told that it had been painted blue and had been stripped and refinished. The piano bears the mark of the craftsman when it was built in 1876. It was built by one of the lesser Smengie brothers who were also renowned for their craftsmanship in building outhouses. This accounts for the toilet seat on the bench. This was particularly useful when forcing someone that HAD to sit for long periods of time to learn to play piano.
Fortuitously there were 5 strapping, men exuding testosterone when we were asked to move the unmovable object. I looked at the 600 pound beast and thought of how slaves were forced to pull the enormous blocks of stone to create the pyramids and the Frys which is located on Brokaw Road. Who would have thought an ancient Egyptian structure would exist in San Jose housing and selling computer and electronic equipment? There is a huge statue devoted to Seth located just inside the front door. The sign next to it states “human sacrifices accepted every Tues and Thurs. between 4 and 6 PM.” Of course we could not reply in the negative when asked to perform this act of strength which the demigod Heracles was also commanded to do as the forgotten 13th labor. We were informed that “ONE” man had moved it into the house by his self. I thought “Hmmm a single piano mover that moved a 600 pound piano by himself into the house? This explains why his piano moving career was cut so tragically cut short to one day in the business when he suffered a massive coronary once the piano was in the designated place of resting.” At least supposition pointed in that direction or else Andre the Giant had another job before he made millions wrestling a dozen dwarves at a time in the WWF.
Moving a piano is quite similar to lifting free weights in which you concentrate so much you drown out all that is being said around you. You have to. 1.) To concentrate on not getting hurt and 2.) Not to hear everyone laughing and gasping as your pants and underwear rip exposing your hairy ass to 15 people standing, staring at you, jaws agape. Damn I love that duct tape. Rip fixed in under 23 seconds!
Of course you encounter the obligatory crushing which inevitably occurs when one person tries to assist by holding the side of the piano and receives a permanent impression of piano keys across their belly button. Only a very clever tattooing job can rectify this situation. I find tattoos of hairless cats detract from the indentations. Needless to say the young man now will never know the joy of being a father.
To get it over the threshold of the door we cleverly created a ramp with which to push the piano into the garage. This went very well until we heard a cracking and breaking sound. It is amazing the amplitude of the sound a human leg makes upon snapping two. I almost did not hear it over the screaming. Fortunately I remembered my Boy Scout first aid training and set the broken leg in orange Jello. I also threw in some fresh tangerines for a refreshing treat after we were through.
Needless to say after much grunting and groaning I managed to tear myself away from the porno which was on cable and helped push the beast the remaining 5 foot into the garage. The monolith now rest there with a group of hairy anthropoids throwing bones into air and whooping it up.
I learned a lesson that day about piano moving. Always have the cable on and tune it to any adult channel to give you an excuse as to why you were not there to move the piano but creates enough sweat to give the appearance you actually did something. What a valuable piece of advice! | |
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