| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:30:06 PM | My question is this. I am 5 months pregnant and I am curious as to whether I should allow my ex to have any input on what I name our little girl. He hasn't gone to any appointments, has insinuated that she is not his, tells me I am going to rob him for child support etc. He then tells me he is going to be there for her. I don't believe him at the moment, and we rarely talk and he rarely asks about the baby. I also was wondering if I have to allow him to be there when the baby is born. Any opinions would be appreciated. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:38:02 PM | You dont have to do anything you dont want to. Although, if he really wants to help name the baby, i see no harm. Might just make him feel closer to the baby.
As for him being there when the baby is born. I think you have to do what you are most comfortable with. although again, might just make him feel closer to the baby.
You two are going to have a child together,best to learn to put your personal feelings aside, and learn how to negotiate something you can both live with. otherwise it is going to be a long hard fight. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:42:11 PM | I say hells no! My ex said something one time along the lines of "what? I don't get a say in it?"
Um- no mother f*cker!! You packed up, moved two hours away and I haven't heard from you in months and you want a say in the name???
He also asked after she was born if she had his last name.
Hell no! And if you force me to change it I'll be changing my name too! It's amazing just how much a man does NOT want an ex woman to have his last name.
And no you do not have to allow him to be there when the baby is born. I did not want in any way my daughters father, who had not been there at all and couldn't care less to all of a sudden show up pretending to be the all caring loving "daddy" and ruin my perfect day. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:43:29 PM | Well, lets be clear that you don't "have to" do anything until the courts direct you, and even then although you will have to face consequences, the question of "have to" is iffy.
First thing you need to do is start thinking about your daughter's needs and life first. Put your own frustration and heart ache asside for a little bit because it is not going to benefit your child at all. If nothing else, give him veto power on the name although in the end if he doesn't step up to the plate, it is up to you to record a name on the birth cert. While you may not want him in the room while you give birth, he is the Daddy, so you are really taking something from him if you don't allow him there if he wants to be (with him knowing to keep things calm and cool or risk being kicked out of the birthing room), and it really starts things off on a rocky path for a relationship that you should be working on and nurturing for at least the next 18 years.
You chose to sleep with him knowing that there was a risk of becoming pregnant (there always is reguardless of protection used), now you need to deal with the consequences of that and learn to co-parent with him as best as possible for your child's benefit! | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:52:58 PM | No you don't have to.
But with that said, I suggest you both get to counseling together, get your issues worked out, and work together for this child no matter how much you dislike each other.
If you don't, you two will be fighting each other for all of her life, and that isn't fair to the baby.
And you will end up 10 yrs from now screaming your head off in a thread about custody and child support. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:57:52 PM | | Thanks for your reply, I honestly have no animosity towards my ex, I am just more relieved than anything else at this point. I want things to be as stressfree as possible. As to counseling I am already in it for myself, he would never agree to it however. I just don't want him waiting until our daughter is born then seeing her and wanting to have a say in it then. I have already started picking out names and such. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:58:53 PM | No, you don't have to.
My ex-husband was mad that I didn't name our son after him. He was shocked that I wouldn't do that even though we had split up when I was still pregnant. He even went as far as to accuse me of cheating and saying the child wasn't his just because I didn't name him after him.  What a moron. As if I want to name my child after someone who made my life a living hell. Woohoo! Fun! 
No, you do not have to have him in the delivery room. If you don't feel comfortable telling him that you don't want him there, then let your doctor tell him. That is what my doctor did. YOU are the one who is going through the labor and delivery and it is about what makes you most comfortable.
Good luck. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/26/2008 2:10:52 PM | It doesn't sound like he really wants to be a part of the childs life. He has made no effort to come to any of the appointments or be there for you. It sounds like he calls to cause drama and undo stress just like my daughters father would do. Usually after he had been to the bar all night. After several times of inviting him to the appointments, the ultrasounds and trying to let him be involved and being so disappointed every single time I realized that the stress I was causing myself and my unborn child was more damaging then not including HIM in our lives.
Now- after the child is born, just as I did, he was notified and has full access to her whenever he wants. Of course, just as before the disappointments just kept coming and I gave up trying to let him be involved. The door is still open but he is the one that has to walk through it. It is not my responsibility to make it "easy" for him or let him have a say in what he deemed important at the time (naming, birth etc) so he could feel like the father of the year.
And I would also like to add- after realizing that it would be better to exclude him from these things due to how angry I would get he and I have been calm and handled things for the most part like adults. He of course, still has nothing to do with her but he pays his support and keeps me notified. I send pictures to his family and they are at any time welcome to see her and they know this. You have no idea how wonderful and stress free my pregnancy was after I took control.
But you know this man. You know if he will in fact be involved. So do what you feel is right. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/26/2008 2:18:31 PM | ****Its only opinion!!!!****
For the benifit of the baby, offer him the choice to help name this child. Then make sure you have DNA testing done to prove to the fool that the child is his. Then, when he dinies anything to the child. The state can do what they need and She can make up her own mind in the future what she feels about it. If the baby is his. He will Pay in more ways then one in the future for his bull headedness?!!
Then you know that you did something of a good nature for this childs interest, and your own piece of mind?!
If he has any feelings at all. He will do whats right. If not it will haunt him in the future! | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/26/2008 2:44:55 PM | Re the name it would totally depend on the man's ideas - his choice of names might be awful or he might happen across the prettiest one you've ever heard of and suprise you! Ask him, but don't make a final choice till you've met the child herself as it's funny how one choice just seems to "fit" best when you hold them in your arms for the first time.
As for childbirth. The most important thing of all is that you deliver a healthy child, with a minimum of medical intervention and fuss. To maximise your chances of an easy delivery you need to be as stress-free and calm as possible.
A midwife and doctors you trust, a clean environment, an emotionally supportive birth partner are all important. it's painful, messy and undignified. If there's the slightest chance he'll raise your blood pressure or upset you in anyway by being there, then make him wait outside. Traditionally men did this anyway. His feelings are less important than a healthy child, just for the few hours it takes to get her born.
He can come in when you and bubs are all cleaned up and resting straight afterwards and join you in bonding and a nice cup of tea.
Choose another woman who has had kids themselves and who you personally find reassuring in times of stress to hold your hand thru labour, a lot of women love having their mothers or elder sisters there at this crucial time. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/27/2008 12:37:57 PM | | I named both of my kids. I did give him a say in my son's first name because I couldn't decide on one. I just gave him a list of ones I liked, we talked about it and decided on one together. If you have your heart set on a specific name then just do it. No need in consulting him. If not, maybe make a list and let him help decide if he wants to. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/27/2008 12:49:45 PM | Well...this is a big decision. I understand you not wanting to let him have a say in anything, but if you do that be prepared for him to not to anything. this may happen anyway, but do you want to be the start of it? Let him be there, let him suggest names. My son's father named my son, do I regret it? Not entirely. It's a good name I like it, but it wasn't my 1st choice..heck wasn't even a thought in my head. He was also there for the birth. Of course we were still offically together although it wasn't much of a relationship. Even if we weren't together I'd have let him be there. this is his child. So many fathers fall in love with their child in the delivery room. It's not real to them until the child is born. It's not really fair of you to deny him this oppurtunity. If he doesn't show then it's on him and he can't blame you for wrecking any possible relationship. If he is going to walk away from his child, let him, but don't squelch any possible relationship before it has a chance.
You may not like this guy, you may not want him around, but he is this childs father. Like it or not you chose him to be the father, on purpose or not, you still chose him. You are stuck with him for the next 19 years or longer. Do you really want to start off on this foot? Do you really want to start off by making it difficult for him to be a father? he may be a jerk or lazy or whatever else you think of him. That doesn't mean he will be a bad father.
Swallow your pride and let him be there. the worst that can happen is what you already think will happen anyway. But he could step up and be a good dad to your child. that's what you need to give a chance.
Don't listen to these other posters. You have a responsibility to give the father a chance. It doesn't matter what you want, it matters what is best for your child. If the dad is going to leave, better he does it when your child is a baby then walk in and out when they are older.
good luck | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/27/2008 12:56:30 PM | | If he is the father of the baby of course he should have some input.Get a DNA test and let him know for sure its his baby and he still doesn't want to help with the baby then I would say to hell with him.He would probably not be a good father anyways. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/27/2008 1:46:19 PM | | Hmmm, it kind of frightens me, when I see responses, that "it's your baby"... no, it is THEIR baby. The baby did not just spontaneously appear. Cutting the father out of this VERY important decision, is NOT the way to start the baby's life. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/27/2008 2:17:22 PM | I just have to add one thing..
Being pregnant is real to women. When we feel the baby inside us we are a mom. We bond very early. A man doesn't have this expirence. He goes through the same emotions and feeling women do only he does it later. Men don't have 9 months to prepare like women do. They have to do it once the baby is born. If not given the chance how can anything be expected of them???? Give him the oppurtunity to be there, give him a say. If he's not going to stick around let it be his choice, not one you make for him, or force down his throat. Noone says you have to pick the name he suggests...letting him be part of the choosing process will do wonders for the relationship at least you don't be keepign him from anything.
Oh and it's not HER baby.. It's THEIR baby.. always and forever
like it or not | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/27/2008 4:34:11 PM | Ok i know its hard but ....
you got two options :
1- You care more about your daugther than about yourself. He get an opportunity to choose the name with you, he feel respected. He can see his daughter, help her, and pay child support. Feel involve and you work together for YOUR daugther... Doesnt mean he will be a good father or the perfect one as YOU wish, but guess what, your having a child with a guy, its not about you only anymore...and this baby is not a toys, she will want to have a mother...and a father...
2- You care more about your feeling, what you think, you dont allow him to have any words regarding his child too, lead you right away to a war with your ex....and in a couple a month, year, you will post here complaining about your ex not wanting to get involve about being a father...not taking responsability.
so what do you choose ? | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/27/2008 5:06:23 PM | | I didn't say he'd stick aound..but he needs to be given the chance. Mine didn't, he tried for a bit but left anyway. But I don't have the guilt and I can honestly tell my son that I didn't keep him from his father in anyway. I let him be there for everything he chose to attend. I'm the better person for it. She needs to let the guy walk away unpushed by her, if that's what he's gonna go. Sarcastic remarks don't help. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/27/2008 5:08:58 PM | I had a similar situation, where the guy went *poof* and I didn't talk to him for four months. When we did get back in communication, he wanted to make plans for naming the baby and being there for the birth, etc. We worked it out together for names, he had picked out horrible names but I ended up saying listen. Here are my three favorites, what one do you like best? That's the one we ended up with. As far as the birth went, he again disappeared for a couple of months but was at the hospital, and I didn't feel that no matter what had happened between us that I could begrudge him that. It is a miraculous thing, and I'm glad I let him be there. Unfortunately no one saw the actual birth as it was an emergency, but he got to hold him when he was a newborn (in fact he held him before I did). I wouldn't change it even now, because those moments solidify something, even if they don't act on it, they have those memories and it cements a bond they'll never forget. It didn't make him a great father, but my son has told me Dad talks about the hospital all the time, and my son is 12 now. Just something to think about. You only get one shot at this, and you have plenty of time to think about what's right for you. Good luck  | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:45:40 PM | Of course you don't. You wouldn't have to let him have a say in naming the child if you were married and living together(yes of course in that case you should, but you wouldn't have to.).
When my children were born I let their father suggest names, but it was my call as I filled out the paper work. The way I see it, the mother carrys the child for 9 months, and gives birth, she should be the one who gets to name the child. Really my mother and mother in law had more input that their father. | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:52:11 PM | | if your ex is doing all theses things to you then no you dont have to let him help choose the name. but if your ex treats you well, helps buy the things you need and goes to your appointments like i do with my ex then yes you should give him a say so | |
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| Do I have to let my ex help me choose a name for the baby?
Posted: 3/28/2008 8:59:13 AM | Hon, if you had no animosity for him you would not have put up this thread. You know, I was accused of the baby not being his and he never went to any appointments, etc., and we were married and not planning on getting divorced anytime soon. He acted this way during all three pregnancies. So men are just *ssholes.
But here's the thing. You may wind up with someone else who is a wonderful stepfather to your child but this man will always be her father. She should know him and his family and no matter how rich her life is, there will always be a little hole where her biological father should be.
Being a parent is doing what is right for your child and what is right for your child is doing everything you can to promote a relationship between them particularly when he doesn't deserve it. You aren't going to pick a name you hate to make him happy so yes, you do allow him input. Yes, you do allow him in the delivery room it is his baby. No matter how big a b*stard he has been, if you try to prevent him from sharing in that unique and miraculous moment, that is just petty and childish.
Your daughter deserves the best of both of you and the way we teach our children compassion, understanding, kindness and grace is by living our lives that way. You also I assume want more than financial involvement so if you balk at any attempts he makes at a relationship, isn't that pretty much cutting off your nose to spite your face?
Good friend of mine got pregnant and couldn't stand the sight of her baby's father and he didn't really want to be involved. He has been there every day from the time he was born, they married and had two more children and are very happy. Some guys don't "get" it until the baby was born. Give him a chance, not for you or for him, but for your daughter. If nothing else, you will be able to honestly tell your daughter when she is older that her father's choices were not because of you, you kept the door wide open. | |
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