| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 12:02:07 AM | Ok, I have an issue with grown up people (age 50+) who conveniently forget to mention
that certain aspects of their personality may be a little flawed.
I met this wonderful guy here at POF, and even traveled out of town to meet him, but
he forgot to tell me up front that he suffers from Bi-polar Disorder. It sort of came up later on, as an incidental by-note of a conversation, ‘very mild, I don’t need medication’ he said. I never knew anyone with this disorder first hand, although I heard some horror stories from friends in the past, so for the following 2 weeks, I researched the subject as much as I could, I read 2 books on the disease, I spent long hours at the library, and read every single entry in the Forums here on POF about Bi-polar.
Next I’m finding out that he also has an alcoholism problem, which he also forgot to disclose.
Relationships are extremely fragile in the beginning, and truth must be told, even the unsavory parts of it. I may be willing to enter in a less than perfect relationship that requires greater effort and even some sacrifice on my part, but please, don’t make up my mind for me. Any feelings I might start having about this man all but evaporated, because I feel deceived and played for fool.
So the big question here is: No, we are not perfect, but how open shall we be about your imperfections?
If we know that the truth will affect the outcome of a new relationship will we let it fly? And how soon?
Thank you all | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 12:08:42 AM | wow...some bad memory problems this fella has eh?..
I don't normally like to use the word 'Baggage'....but it sounds like this guy has some...and well he has to be a bit more forthright with people... not sure about the bi-polar thing since he is on meds...but alcoholism is a big red flag I would think.
question is...do you need want to have carry some of this baggage? my thinking is you will if you enter a relationship with him.
good luck with this.  | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 12:23:59 AM | Hell Ya!... I am forthright about things.... everyone knows... I am too forthright at times. No I don't tell them about 'that itch'..or 'the nasty rash'.... I am kidding fellas!....it was a joke.
yes...I think one has to be open, honest and forthright.
how does one expect to make the first steps in a relationship by not disclosing important issues such as one's mental or physical health?
hell yeah babe... run... and don't look back or have regrets.
(I haven't been totally honest with the guys on POF if you must know....the old peg leg is acting up on rainy days and my glass eye fogs up too!) | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 6 | |
| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 12:55:54 AM | Frankly...I think the biggest problem is that he isnt on meds for the bipolar.
He likely isnt an alcoholic at all...but uses alcohol to self medicate when the bipolar plays up. Then the alcohol triggers the depression...and the cycle continues.
Often bipolar people (when not having an episode)...dont touch drugs (alcohol etc) of any kind.
Sounds like he hasnt figured it out yet.
So the fact that he's not on meds would be my issue with him. The rest of the stuff is just pyramid circumstances. | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 12:56:23 AM | Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...I don't think it was memory lose,i think he was just to lazy to tell you...
I think ,If it was me in your shoes <I would DUMP him , what else does he have up his sleeve , what else is he going to tell you?? Is he going to tell you that ONE head is bigger then the other?? I don't think you want to be in arms way, when he really freaks out..
Bi-polar. alcoholism,<<God ,i thank god, i don't have those kind of issues .
Whats this world coming to, end??
Whats this world coming to, end?? | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 1:03:30 AM | Run, don't walk... and make sure its in the opposite direction of this fellow.
Lying by omission is still lying... and anyone who will lie to you will cheat on you.
OP, you seem like a nice, attractive lady... are you so desperate that you can't do better than this guy? | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 1:45:53 AM | I once dated a bi polar, as much as you wish and hope and pray..They have problems and if not treated you will have them as well.. You can't love someone enough to help them with this or drinking that's a inside job. I strongly hope you just stop and say to yourself this....My heart isn't really into this yet and I will not get hurt if I leave now!!
Please sweet lady you don't have to run you can walk away and wish him only to work on this with help. The truth is they hate taking what really helps them they don't stay on it and to balance the right amount .Needless to say it's a roller coaster ride. It's really is a hard one to live with for them. I really hope with all this good advise you pay attention.
Best to you as well him. One thing to remember they aren’t bad mean people just ill .
It's a hard thing to tell strangers atleast he did ,right . | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 2:18:01 AM | forgot to mention he had bipolar?
as if your going to get to know him, like him and be willing to
"OVERLOOK" it.
thats a trick many of them do like the big women who keep a guy on the computer too long hoping he will like them and ovver look the fact she is 50 pounds overweight when they meet in person. | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 2:31:16 AM |
he forgot to tell me up front that he suffers from Bi-polar Disorder. It sort of came up later on, as an incidental by-note of a conversation, ‘very mild, I don’t need medication’ he said. ...Next I’m finding out that he also has an alcoholism problem, which he also forgot to disclose.
Been there done that - was married to him for 6 years, and he's the father of my kids. (No, not your guy) RUN - doesn't matter in which direction, but life will be hell.
When he walks around saying things like, "Happy, happy, happy. Gotta be happy," then you'll know he's sinking fast - and how long he stays down varies. It's different every time.
...we are not perfect, but how open shall we be about your imperfections?
Something that serious, and he didn't tell? What a jerk! Bi-polar/alcoholism for self-treatment is not something you can hide!
I've got severe arthritis in my hips/spine; sometimes, I have to use a cane. I tell the guy if we decide to go out. Why hide it since it will be found out? Better to be honest - you get more respect that way. | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 2:57:50 AM | One thing that is not clear in the OP is how long it actually took from first contact to disclosure.
In the "getting to know you phase" I would imagine that you don't blurt out all sorts of things. If you guys have just met a couple of times, and he brought it up, more power to him I think. It's not the kind of thing that's needed on a first meeting IMO. (not to say that's the case here - just that is is unclear from the OP)
I agree with honesty. I don't think that honesty involves painting all your flaws straight up though. Over the course of three to five meetings might be appropriate. (mind you, when I eventually get to doing meetings myself, maybe this perception will change) Tragedy is - many of have so many flaws we are not even aware of in ourselves!
There is another thread about putting into the profile "flaws" that may be seen to frighten off the other fish. Consensus was that the profile was not the place for it - the first few meetings were, and that about 3 would be good. It depends on comfort levels, communication skills, self awareness and confidence. If the situation was that you were talking to each other about standard "baggage" issues, health issues etc. it should all come out then. Otherwise it may take a few meetings and phone calls. We have to mix the bad with the good times as well early on.
Next I’m finding out that he also has an alcoholism problem, which he also forgot to disclose.
Did he disclose this "eventually", is it an inkling from observation, or is it info from his friends?
I hate being a Libran sometimes!
A friend of mine has been recently diagnosed with bipolar 2. He is a pearler of a bloke, and OP, if your new acquaintance was forthright with you relatively early on, and was prepared to respect you in terms of taking the medication (or getting more advice) if YOU thought it was required, then it could be a shame your feelings evaporated. | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 3:10:43 AM | While this is unpleasant, I think some perspective is in order here.
He was not hiding it. He is sick.
It's like expecting someone in a wheelchair to walk.
His Bi-polar issues prevent him from always actting or doing the best thing or course of action.
It is not and attempt to be duplicitous. The booze ain't helping.
I do feel for you for having to go through the situation. But he needs help, not scorn. | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 3:28:52 AM | | It's not fair to date someone without disclosing conditions that could affect the relationship. I let my b/f know about conditions I had and he did the same prior to us meeting. We both felt the other had a right to know what to expect. Being bi-polar and an alcoholic isn't something you forget. It is something you don't mention because you know for many people either one, much less both, are deal-breakers. It is dishonest and would prevent me from having anything more to do with the person. Not because of the conditions, but because of not disclosing them upfront. | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 4:31:19 AM | I don't know about most people, but I don't have a tendency to share a lot of very personal information about myself to what amounts to a complete stranger.
The getting-to-know-you stage is when these types of things come up. He didn't forget to tell you, he told you at a time he considered appropriate to the budding relationship.
Did you, at anytime, during the exchange of emails or telephone calls before you met, let this person know you would not be interested in a relationship with someone who had emotional or physical challenges? If not, then it seems to me you may have forgotten to tell him something important. | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 4:39:50 AM |
Did you, at anytime, during the exchange of emails or telephone calls before you met, let this person know you would not be interested in a relationship with someone who had emotional or physical challenges? If not, then it seems to me you may have forgotten to tell him something important.
I kind of wonder how many men actually read the profiles - or do most of them here just look at the pics? Mine is listed on my profile - just as a generality. If they want to know more, they'll ask - if they don't bring it up, I figure (1)they haven't read it, or (2) it isn't a big deal, but still, I want to know the guy isn't going to waste my time if he isn't interested in dating someone with a disability. | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 4:51:02 AM |
I have had this happen. The old "I forgot to tell you I have been in jail seven times" syndrome.
I did date someone who had been in jail. He was upfront and admitted it our very first date. Great date, and we went out a couple of times, but we just didn't click. It was his honesty that I appreciated the most. | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 5:35:43 AM | My best friend is Bi-Polar and yes she has a very mild case and for the most part is very stable, more so than "normies" that I know. She doesn't need meds and has been through lots of therapy. She leads a very healthy lifestyle which I think is key to her stability and coping skills.
From what I have read there are lots of variables and levels of illness with Bi-Polar and unfortunately it has quite the stigma attached to it because of the ones who are not medicated and suffer from terrible psychosis which includes hallucinations and hearing voices. She has never experierenced these symptoms thankfully.
Now as far as disclosing this to someone right off the bat I don't think she does or should for that matter. I think she usually waits to see if there is going to be a third or forth date and if there is a potential of something more before she decides to tell the guy. Nothing wrong with that.
Now the alcohol is something else. I know quite a few alcoholics who are in denial and don't think they have an issue. So in there eyes they have nothing to tell.
However, I have found being married to an alcoholic that it is very damaging to any type of relationship they are involved in. That would concern me way more than the Bi-Polar would any day.
How long did he wait to tell you?
Did he drink a lot in front of you or did someone tell you he has a drinking problem?
As far as disclosing the not so fun stuff right off the bat or even in the profile.... I am all for telling someone on a need to know basis. | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 5:38:39 AM | I had this disclosed to me on a first meeting once.
It had not come up during initial email correspondence, which I can understand.
Another good reason to meet fairly early and not drag out the emails for long periods of time as each one gets attached to who they hope the other person is.
I am glad she told me when she did - that way it only took a few weeks to unravel the mental mess that followed.
This gives me an idea......new dating website "PlentyofBaggage.com" | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 5:47:49 AM | I am going to go against the general grain of most of the responses and say that I don't blame him for not telling you all his dirty secrets right up front. In this day and age a couple dates don't make a relationship. Unless I see a relationship on the horizon I don't usually divulge all my medical issues. After the fourth date I can tell if it's going to go somewhere and I tend to let people know what's up with me. Then either one of us can walk without any hurt. I can't imagine meeting someone for the very first time and saying "here, hold my purse for a sec, I need to show you my breast cancer scar just to make sure that a month down the road you aren't emotionally damaged by imperfection". Then again, I may be in the minority of people that truly think that personal issues are just that: personal.
OP, perhaps he was concerned that you would air his dirty laundry in a public forum if he had enlightened you prior to determining if you were a good person or not. Hmmm, seems he not only has bi-polar and alcohol issues, but is a bad judge of character as well. | |
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| (Un)timely Memory Lapse... Ooops! I forgot to tell you...
Posted: 3/27/2008 5:57:28 AM |
Then either one of us can walk without any hurt. I can't imagine meeting someone for the very first time and saying "here, hold my purse for a sec, I need to show you my breast cancer scar just to make sure that a month down the road you aren't emotionally damaged by imperfection".
Wouldn't show a scar, but before I'd waste my time, I'd want to know right from the get go if it's going to be an issue with him - considering, if you really hit it off and then you tell him, it changes his opinion of you, because let's face it, most people want and do look for a certain amount of "perfection," whatever that means to them. | |
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