| | from fat to thin Page 1 of 9 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) | Lets see to make the story short I was at 238 lb, met someone on line chatted for a year, then finally met. He admited he was not atracted to me physically but loved my personality....he wanted to stay friends but we soon went our seperate ways.
Now a year and a half later after droping 100 pounds he recently confessed he has always been in love with me but just wanted me to be healthier? He wants to give it another shot even though I switched teams..... what should I do? Thank you guys and gals in advance 
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| from fat to thin
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:02:53 PM | | First off there OP, many congratulations on the weight loss, I totally know how difficult it is as I am doing it myself. Now secondly, me personally I would keep this thing with the guy you are referring to on a strictly friendly basis. If he had truly been in love with you, as he claimed to have been, he would have loved you no matter how you looked. But NOW that you have lost the weight he probably feels it won't look so bad being seen with you in public based on societies reactions to us heavier people. But honestly, if he had an issue with it and wasn't attracted to you until AFTER you lost the weight then I would say he is completely superficial and shallow. I for one had I ever found someone that we hit it off and there were some chemistry online and there was some in person I would not worry about what others thought and would just go for it and the naysayers be damned. But that will be up to you to ultimately decide if he is worth it, but since you have "switched teams" it really doesn't matter much does it, unless you are open to "both" teams. Again, now that you have lost the weight, but in any case I wish you much luck. | |
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stacj
| | Joined: 6/27/2007
Msg: 3 | |
| from fat to thin
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:08:20 PM | | I would tell him that if he always loved me then he would have been truthful and talked to me about my health. I don't think I would want to be with him now just because I lost wieght. To me.... if he was looking for love then he found it a year ago and now its just too late. | |
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Posted: 3/27/2008 11:10:24 PM | | Why bother with someone who didn't feel you were good enough as you were before? Now that you've lost the weight, he's sniffing around. To hell with him. You state you are looking for a female in your profile, so why is he even an issue? Are you unsure as to whether you prefer to be with a man or woman? You're a beautiful young lady and it's your right to choose who you want to be with. I, personally, would tell him to take a hike, but you have to do what you feel is right for you. Good luck! | |
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Posted: 3/27/2008 11:11:45 PM | | i so would not!!!! and neither should you huney.. if he cared he would have tooken his chance when it was given.... | |
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Posted: 3/27/2008 11:17:14 PM | | You guys are awsome thank you very much for posting your great advice. I guess I'm just in a confused stage right now. lol | |
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wowsad
| | Joined: 11/28/2005
Msg: 7 | |
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Posted: 3/27/2008 11:20:19 PM | depends on how you look at it. of course the women chime in with "well if he didn't find you attractive then!!", which is fine... but at least he was honest with you. attraction is half of the relationship, and at least he was honest enough to tell you the truth. he did like "you", your personality, he just didn't find you attractive. if you weren't interested in him, you wouldn't be on here asking, so the question really is... are you willing to admit to yourself that you weren't attractive at 238 pounds? because honestly, its not that hard. most women aren't attractive at that weight, its nothing abnormal. i weighed 280 pounds at one point, and i lost over 130 pounds. the women who i had been attracted to were then attracted to me... i didn't blame them for not being attracted to somebody who weighed as much as me. i didn't see it as a fault on their part. i wasn't attracted to me, so why should they have been.
its not superficial to not be attracted to somebody, and when they drastically change, to be attracted to them. its just human nature. if you can accept that, i see no reason to not pursue it. | |
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Posted: 3/27/2008 11:22:55 PM | mmkay............he "always" loved you.
IF he always loved you, that means he loved you as you WERE when you met online and in real time.
bull shit.
he likes what he sees now (kudos to you, young lady!!!!! I tip my hat to you!), but allowed his fat-prejudice to stand in his way of liking you then----------BUT HE ALWAYS LOVED YOU. 
I am a fat geriatric woman, no ifs, ands, or buts--ok, maybe a BIG butt, but, fat nonetheless and I am ok with others not liking what they see in me--my surface, but there have been the chosen few that liked me for ME, regardless of the wrapping of lard......which is what he did NOT do truthfully: like/"love" you for you.
I'm not sure what you actually mean when you say you "switched teams", nor does it matter, but I would not consider him as a dating interest again.
he's wishy-washy and full of shit. lol
edited to add:
now I know about your "switching teams" and it STILL doesn't matter--he didn't find you attractive then, but now he does.........he's still full of shit and is superficial in his intent, imo. | |
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Posted: 3/27/2008 11:26:48 PM | He is not COMPLETELY superficial and shallow. He is simply somewhat so. How much so is yet to be determined. Make no mistake, EVERYONE is somewhat superficial and shallow. I firmly believe that nobody can help this. Physical details are important to attraction and even how you emotionally feel about a person. Perhaps it is different for females, but for men it seems to be necessary.
Perhaps he is too shallow, in which case you should avoid him. Or maybe you no longer find him acceptable enough for you? That too isn't a bad thing. Basically, if you are interested in him now, then pursue that opportunity. If not, then don't do so. Base your choices on how you feel about him now.
I can understand the impulse of wanting to punish him for not finding you attractive before, but is that fair? Do you think he should have found you attractive before?
Enough of rum soaked rambling, my only point was that men Do have a strong correlation and connection between attraction and romantic feeling. Personally, I simply cannot be "In love" with someone that I am not especially attracted too. | |
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rune3
| | Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 10 | |
| from fat to thin
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:30:33 PM |
He admited he was not atracted to me physically but loved my personality....
Now a year and a half later after droping 100 pounds he recently confessed he has always been in love with me but just wanted me to be healthier? He's trying to be tactful I suppose but the fact is that he was not attracted to you when you were heavier: he told you this straight out. Trying to pretend it was just a health issue is contradicting what he originally said, but the lie is understandable: he's simply learned to be more politically correct over the year. It seems harsh to write him off over a common lie of politeness but I would certainly let him know that you are not deceived.
It depends how you feel about this issue OP. I think it's reasonable for people to not be physically attracted to those who are morbidly obese. Do you find that reasonable or not?
Clearly you felt quite a connection with him and quite an attraction for him, otherwise you'd not be asking the question and you would probably have been able to remain in contact just as friends as he wanted despite his lack of attraction towards you. I think that since you've talked a lot with him online you should talk about your feelings with him if you are interested and if you do understand and accept that your obesity was a barrier.
An important question to consider is whether the weight issue will continue to come between you. Will you fear that he doesn't really love you because of his lack of attraction whilst you were obese? Will you use your potential to regain the weight to control the relationship (it happens)? Talk with him, be open about your feelings and see how you feel. I don't think he's a bad person for not being attracted to you when you were obese, but it could mean that you always feel insecure regarding his affection and this is a destructive thing. | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 12:03:17 AM | I personally do not think there is anything wrong with what happened here. If YOU love him, that's what matters. So he struggled with your weight. deal!
I have a cousin who is going through this. Her situation though is more aggravating because they took the relationship to the physical level for well over a month, THEN he announces that he had been struggling with her body shape. WRONG! way nasty on that deal. So if he'd have already played with your body, and then brought this up, I would say that's nasty. He could see the shape of her body from the moment he met her. You don't play then complain. So, if you two didn't get physical, and he kept that distance, he was honest with you. Now, do you want him?
Those are my thoughts. We are all too sensitive in this culture. We hate truth. We love to feel good. But what are the facts. You were overweight, and he didn't like it. You lost the weight, now the package is complete for him. How about you? Do you like his whole package? Character, personality, does he make a decent enough living? That's what matters. Weight changes daily. Keep it in range and he'll be fine. What you need to learn is if he is a weird frustrated perfectionist. Does this situation reveal some problem in his personality/character? If not, enjoy the love, let go of the past. Let his love and attention be one of the blessings of your weight loss. Any other man right now who is attracted to you, may not have been before. So why punish this guy?
There's my thoughts.... | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 12:10:10 AM | People's features change significantly with a dramatic weight change. One's eyes, for example, can seem to be larger in relation to the rest of the face, and cheekbones are more defined. Then of course there's the effect on the whole body: without the excess padding, there may be new, very nice lines and better-fitting clothing.
With this altered appearance has to come a difference in self-image, which can come across as confidence and a hint of independence. The former heavy mindset is replaced with an awareness of oneself as desirable. It's not always the case, but I'd say in general, losing a considerable amount of weight tends to 're-introduce' a person. To the friend/acquaintance who didn't feel physically interested in a bigger shape, the slimmer version of that person can be literally like meeting all over again.
Don't be gettin' all indignant that the guy finds himself liking you thin! He already liked you as the inner individual, and now that the outer has gotten some WOW, is that his fault?
He wasn't judging you at all. He simply had preferences, as we all do, and he found it hard to sincerely favour the overweight.
~~~~~
Heck ~ I could lose a lot myself, but I don't want a fat man. Call me shallow .. I can't stand it when big brawny guys think I should want them because I'm fat myself. EW. Most thin men don't really want me at this size, but that's okay because I would rather lose the weight and feel like the me I want to present.
 
Gotta get me a hula hoop. I read somewhere that one minute of hooping is, calorie-burn-wise, about equal to running a mile! | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 12:11:50 AM | As another post put it,congrats on the loss.
Next,you gotta tell this guy to Piss off!
After the weight loss,he says he loves you!
To me this guy is showing his true colors,and they are not pretty.
What a Nipplehead!JMO. | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 12:22:56 AM | Firstly, congratulations in losing the weight OP.
Secondly, I echo the other poster's sentiments about him being full of crap when he said he ALWAYS loved you when in fact, he only felt attracted to you once you lost the weight (not that there is really anything intrinsically wrong with that, we all have our preferences).
I wouldn't want someone that told such barefaced lies though and also...what would happen in the future if you were to gain weight again for whatever reason (through pregnancy, after an accident or just because you felt content and started eating more again). Does he really sound like the type of guy that would stick with you through thin and thick (literally!)?
Personally, I don't think so. | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 12:35:28 AM | Why do so many women have such strong feelings about this?
Like it is so wrong for a guy to become physically attracted to a woman after she loses weight. But on the other thread, all the women will state how there has to be some physical attraction or it is just not going to work. There is no difference.
So what is the real issue here?
I echo what TMI said, he already liked you for your personality before and not just for sex.
Isn't that what women always say they want? | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 12:45:42 AM | OP. Good on ya for all that hard work. Much respect to ya.
I hope we can help you instead of making things worse.
I'm sorry so many people feel like letting anger, cynicism and negativity direct their lives. I'm gonna assume that you really liked this guy. The important thing is do YOU accept him. Do YOU like his company. Do YOU want to be with him. If the answer is yes, then don't let such negative frames of mind spoil your image of the guy.
You know it's really interesting to note the depth and reasoning in the responses given. Those who speak honestly about the realities of chemistry and physical attractiveness speak from experience and comprehensive reasoning. Even you stipulate a picture as part of the requirements to contact you. Those who tell you to forgo a potential romance don't really have much to say other that woulda/coulda/shoulda about the other guy. Not a lot of depth there me thinks. It doesn't take a lot of imagination to develop a culture of blame, criticism and condemnation - hardly a way to shine your light.
You decided to lose all that weight and you did it for a reason. Now that you are getting one of many desired responses, why throw it away when you worked so hard for it?
Listen to people like wowsad, crickerbuns, and ClassifiedTMI
The others are quick to judge a person they know almost nothing about.
If I was going to judge, I would say "Dude loves you inside and out. Where's the problem?"
You just get out there and be happy. Enjoy your new figure. Face forward and think about the future now. Don't use the past to plot a fixed and choiceless trajectory of your future. | |
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| from fat to thin
Posted: 3/28/2008 1:12:49 AM | okay all u guys urging her to go to this guy whats going to happen when she has a baby? (if she gains weight from it) where is that gonna leave her? you all think he'll stick around?
To me! if he really loved her he would have been honest and accepted her then and helped her work through her issue not abandon her while she does all the hard stuff by herself without his support lol and then be like hey baby you know i always loved you..its just thinking common sense. personally myself id much rather have a man who would accept me no matter how i am wouldn't you?
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Posted: 3/28/2008 1:14:02 AM | | Congrats on the weight loss!!!! Now tell him you guys can consider dating if HE loses 100 pounds... | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 1:17:25 AM | | i believe you should just find yourself someone else i am a bigger guy and i am working on losing my weight there are plenty of girls who say they love my personality but i am sure when i end up losing my weight they will do exactly what that guy did to you and i am sorry i wont go to them. so i am just trying to find someone now so that when i do get skinny they will have loved me for my personality not my body | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 2:05:34 AM | Yeah, ditch him!
And furthermore, I suggest you absolutely point-blank refuse to date ANY guy who cannot prove he's had AT LEAST a 230+lb girlfriend. After all, he's shallow otherwise, right? You have to know he'd still find you attractive enough to want to be with you at that weight, surely?
I do hope my point is coming across here :D | |
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wowsad
| | Joined: 11/28/2005
Msg: 21 | |
| from fat to thin
Posted: 3/28/2008 2:05:50 AM |
okay all u guys urging her to go to this guy whats going to happen when she has a baby? (if she gains weight from it) where is that gonna leave her? you all think he'll stick around?
by that logic, she should gain all the weight back, because if she ever dates a guy, and has a kid, she may gain weight... and since he was attracted to her when she was skinny (cause she started dating him when she was skinny), he obviously can't be attracted to her later.
realistically, who knows if this guy is accepting of nature taking its course, and weight gain during a pregnancy... nobody knows but him. most chicks gain weight during pregnancies, and there isn't an onslaught of divorce because of it. chances are, if those guys married skinny women, they probably like skinny chicks....but it doesn't mean that because a guy marries a skinny chick, that he will automatically dump her when she gains weight during pregnancy...
thats really a longshot type of response to this question. they haven't even been on a date yet, so its all speculation. the only trust is that he finds her attractive, he likes her personality, she likes him, and when she was 100 pounds heavier he didn't find her sexually attractive (big shocker there). anything else stated beyond those points is just your opinion. whatever image anyone has created about this guy is most likely false, because nobody knows him! if you want to go around speculating every potential outcome of something, in only "worst possible scenario" type ways..... thats awfully depressing. | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 2:12:26 AM | Another quick point to make:
Average weight gain during pregnancy is 25lbs. Most guys will be okay with that.
I imagine if it were 100lbs, many would be rather less 'okay' with it... | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 2:20:51 AM | | While i am glad for you that you found love , you better not ever gain that weight back though. You know what will happen if you do. | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 2:28:13 AM | Hey, you look so awesome NOW, why not get a FRESH start & see whoever you want from EITHER TEAM...
If you spend time w/ MR-LAST-YEAR, you will have a long time resentment lurking at the back of your head...
Think about it, he will always be the guy who wanted you ONLY AFTER YOU LOST WEIGHT- whether that is right or not can be debated forever on here & frankly, it's a moot point right now...
Get out of the past & enjoy the present
PS- can you tell us what you did to get sooo much weight off??? | |
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Posted: 3/28/2008 2:31:44 AM | well im sorry but its a bit pathetic when all these people are always trying to judge a book by its cover (and yes seems like thats what he did) \and hey buddy with the preggo stuff!!
damn straight its good she lost the weight and hells there are many of guys out there that appreciate a woman no matter how she is BIG OR SMALL-
whether she was skinny when they got together or not!! - and its quite obvious that this guy doesn't have that in him.those are all the special fish us lady's are hunting and seems to be very few out there. and this just proves it even more..And lord forbid if she gave in to him it would just be havock had she ever gained that weight back under any circumstances , cos no he didn't meet her when she was skinny , he met her when she was bigger and he didn't like what he saw then. Now im sorry but 6 outta 10 people who suffer from obesity and lose their pounds eventually gain it back at some point in there life. its sad to say but its true.and thus is sumthing she really needs to think about ... And she to find someone who is going to accept you for who you are inside and out cos its not whats on the outside of the box that counts sweetys sorry. | |
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