| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 11:58:23 AM | Okay the question sounds wierd, what iam trying the figure out is this. I have been with my boyfriend since Sept 07 and we are perfact for each other. Last summer he had a fling with a friend and she became pregnant. On thursday the baby was born, he went up there for a week. So now iam sitting thinking where do i stand, is he gonna forget me, moved up there or is she gonna try to make a family. The whole time he has always told me that him and her would never date and they have both agreed on that. So iam just wondering if anyone has been through this? and if they have what is my best way of dealing with this and keeping my relationship strong and healthy.
I guess iam feeling kinda leftout, that sounds bad but thats how i feel. I have always been supportive with him and his choices. Now i am getting the odd IM during the day and one phone call. I am not selfish just really confused!!! Please help. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:34:23 PM | Melissa, you will feel left out but control it for your bf. Right now he's a dad and he will look forward to seeing his little one and i'm sure wants to contribute and particiapte and give him credit for that. As a bloke he will feel the pull at the heart strings.
Now for you i'd encourage you to be there for him and try to share in his pleasue. Congratulate him and give him your support but also remind him that you are with him and continue to be loving. Dont start a baby vs you kind of thing..
Good luck  | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:34:59 PM | You are in a tough place. Try to remember that you can't directly affect the outcome. In other words, you are you and this guy will have to decide how he is going to proceed: with you + relationship with his child or otherwise. You are young and you will have some big issues to face with this. Those kinds of things are tough at any age.
You will have to look at the future and what might happen. This is not your child and you can make a choice to get out, without it affecting a little one's life. He, on the other hand has a life-long attachment. He has more to lose/gain than you, sweety.
Take your time and think about yourself. The fact that he had a fling, is not a good one, even without him becoming a Dad. You have to think about your needs and how things could change your life. Time is on your side, you have lots of young men waiting for you ahead. Take your time | |
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pfft
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Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 4 | |
| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:39:27 PM | Maybe you should be a bit more selfish? Or does being perfect for each other include having flings with friends (and not even bothering with a condom, which is also putting your health at risk). And you want to keep that relationship strong and healthy? Wait a minute, is this a healthy relationship? Even polygamy doesn't work this way. You are feeling left out.
You should rethink this. You're still young, now it's time to grow up a bit and get smart. Don't be around when he comes back. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:42:03 PM | well first off if you wereperfect for eachother he wouldnt have cheated
secondly , cheaters are a dime a dozen,
be the bigger person here n dump him before he dumps you
let him if hes even half a man go and take care of the baby he created
any man that helps in the creation of life should continue to help in the continuation of it'
there are enough derelict sperm donors out there
kick his azz to the curb n tell him to go and be a father to his child
cheaters always say " it meant nothing , it was just a fling" i bet ya he slept with her when he went up there and will contnue to work the two of you till one gets smart
be that one and turf him
find a decent guy to knock u up and leave his other gf , as that seems to be the way kids these days get into relationships
real men arent sleeze bag cheaters , those are just dirtbags. thats regardless of how hot you seem to think they are
maybe next time try looking for a guy with a personality and class | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:43:50 PM | " I have always been supportive with him and his choices."
Yes obviously that support extends to him having affairs with other women. Op you should not be in this situation because you should have kicked his sorry ass to the curb when you found out he cheated on you.
But that's now in the past. You obviously forgave him. I have no problem with him wanting to be there when his new kid is born, But i see nothing wrong with you also being there. You're at some point going to be apart of this kids life too. when he gets visitation the kid will be spending that time with you too.
It would have went along way of easing your fears if he had invited you to come along. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:47:39 PM | | Unless i read it wrong i didn't think he did the dirty. They got together in Sept 07 after the summer fling. If its March now then she got pregnant June 07. If he did do the dirty then yes move on but i dont think thats the case. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:48:39 PM | Um, reread the OP. He got the chick pregnant last summer...He didn't start dating the OPie until last September. So *he didn't cheat on this girlfriend*!
I think...this is the thing. This is exactly the time when you need to back off. Sorry to say this but boyfriends and girlfriends don't usually last forever. Unlessyou are ready today to marry him, you need to back off. Why??? Because he will be a daddy to this baby *forever*. This is his chance to bond with his newborn.
And if he decides to try and be a family with the baby's mom, then let him. It may or may not work out.
But YOU need to let him work thru this an dwork thru how he is going to be a daddy. Once the newborn glow is thru and he comes home from the visit, ask to see pictures of the baby, share his excitement and be supportive. Remember what you do and how you react can actually affect his parenting for the rest of this child's life. Help him to feel pride in being a father.
AND...if he feels you are supportive of his new role as a parent, instead of feeling *jealous*, he will be much more likely to want you in his life. Instead if you act all jealous and insecure, well, let's hope the baby wins, huh? Sure would suck if he chose you over his child. no offense, ya know?
Lastly, if you are serious about having a relationship with him, then I'd start right now being open about meeting the baby and helping him spend time with the baby...because you could end up as it's stepmother. Think about that.
Kaylie | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 10 | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:56:05 PM | I have been with my boyfriend since Sept 07 and we are perfact for each other. Last summer he had a fling with a friend and she became pregnant.
Now correct me if I'm wrong Opie, but the way I read this he had the fling before you two started dating..
You are in a very tough situation here. If it were me...well, I guess I would leave. You can't compete, hun, and she shouldn't want to. He has to focus on the baby now, like it or not. You are going to end up being jealous and angry a lot of the time, and this will in turn cause the downward spiral of your relationship with him.
Before I had children I was involved with guys who had kids with other women, and it was very tough. One went so far as to use the child as ammunition against our relationship, and he broke up with me. I was devastated.
I wish you luck Opie, and hope this turns out well for all of you.  | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:59:17 PM | | This whole thing sounds messed up to me. You feel left out because your man is off tending to his **stard child and this "friend" of his. This sounds like bad news... I can't imagine that your relationship is gonna be very healthy in the wake of this. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:59:49 PM | OP Obviously this was not a case of cheating. So you knew he was going to be a father and you were supportive. Good for you. Dont start second guessing yourself now. Give him credit for wanting to step up to the plate and be a father to this baby. With this baby being in his life so will this woman to some extent. If he assures you there is not anything between them at this point.,and he has not given you cause to think any different during this pregnancy, then dont create a problem where there is none.
You both knew this baby was on the way. I would think you should have discussed how this child was going to impact your life once it came. If you didnt. Do it now. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 1:00:45 PM | He's a daddy, period.
It doesn't mean it's over with you but it does mean that his responsibilities have shifted. If he's a good father, you won't come first again but if you are mature you just might find a role for yourself in the whole situation. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 1:23:09 PM | My apology Op, Totally misread your opening post. Please disregard my earlier thread.
Your boyfriend is where he should be right now( with his new child) Kudos to him for being that kind of man. You say you have always supported him in the past. He might actually need your support and understanding now more that ever. This is obviously very trying times for both of you. I have no doubt that you both will come through this stronger in your relationship. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 1:43:33 PM | He's a daddy with a woman who has some MAJOR hormones still going on. It doesn't necessarily mean that she plans on looping him into being a 'family' with them, but it makes it very likely. Can't promise that this is a solid basis for a long term relationship, but it happens quite a lot.
The good news is that she probably isn't medically allowed to have sex yet.
No one can say what he's going to do, but I could tell you that any relationship where I feel very disposable and completely powerless...it probably means I'm about to get dumped anyway. Same for you. They're a family now, and awesome though you undoubtedly are, you don't have nothing on the fruit of his loins. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 1:56:26 PM | You choose a time to date this young man when really he was not totally available to date or be in relationship. He has no idea of what is coming down the road for him.
Perhaps finding a young man without so much baggage to check would be a whole lot easier. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 2:05:04 PM | Tell him that and support him being a father by sharing it with him. If they both mean what they said, this is how it is. She has a life, he has a life, and anyone entering into either one should accept and love that child and the adults involved, i.e. her you and he her man, should accept that other person.
If you love him, you love his child. If you love him and his child you want what is best for both of them. If he wants to see if there is anything but the child between them then you step aside and let him find out. Do you really want a man that you have to "do" anything to hold onto?
You behave as you always have. If you are not accustomed to it, you tell him how you feel and you do whatever he needs you to do to support him. If he explores things with this woman, it is your prerogative whether to wait around or move on, and no one can make that decision but you. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 2:07:26 PM | oh man, op... he's a daddy now. you are 2nd in line. baby is 1st ('spent a week up there')
good luck, but in ur words ' been with my boyfriend since Sept 07 and we are perfact for each other'
that was then? and he had a fling at the beginning... none since?? | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 2:11:08 PM |
I have been with my boyfriend since Sept 07 and we are perfact for each other. Last summer he had a fling with a friend and she became pregnant.
So he had the fling before you guys were together?
I'm sure by now, someone has already mentioned being supportive of your boyfriend if you two are perfect for each other.
It's tough, in his, the mother's, and your shoes (think of how you'd feel to be his or her situation at the moment).
It's understandable to be confused, but other than being patient and see how things play out, that's nothing much else you can do, unless like someone suggested, you go your separate ways.
Good luck! | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 2:32:39 PM | I'd say get out as soon as possible, effectively this relationship is broken. His loyalties will always be divided between his kids, the other woman and you. His kids will always win over you, and that means the other woman will win over you too.
What if you get pregnant? He will then be split between your kids and her kids. You say your perfect for one another that its been about 8 months. Thats the height of the infatuation stage, still plenty of lust to cloud your thinking. It needs at least another year or so before you begin to see how perfect it really is. And it isn't perfect is it? Thats why your asking for advice.
You're young and attractive. Find someone without the baggage who can devote themselves to you. I admire him for sticking by his kids, but its no good for you. | |
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| The baby was born, now what do i do with my relationship?
Posted: 3/29/2008 2:38:51 PM | acm007
his **stard child
WOW I didn't even know people were so ignorant to still use this term. Nice and classy, good Christian non-judgemental forgiving characterisitcs you are showing there acm.
Good luck OP but give him time to adjust. I would imagine it is quite overwhelming. It's a big enough responsibility and change when you are IN a relationship and expecting a child. | |
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