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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/30/2008 3:54:31 AM | Hello everyone and I hope you are having a great day!
My way of dealing with the lemons that are given to me in life is by joking and lots of laughter. Now the no joke part - I was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, I have an excellent doctor and I know I will be okay, but I still want to laugh and laugh till the day I go into surgery. There is nothing else I can really do about it.
Please send me jokes and jokes, they can be posted here or you can e mail them to me.
Thank you All and Enjoy your day! Remember Laughter is the best medicine.
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/30/2008 4:58:40 AM | A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, "I sell tampons."
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/30/2008 5:07:02 AM | | A family of moles wakes up after a long winters sleep. The Father mole peeks his head out the hole and sniffs in the air and says "ahhh the smell of fresh honey", the Mother mole squeezes up beside the Father mole and sniffs in the air "thats not honey that is maple syrup but it sure smells good", Junior mole is down in the hole sulking and they ask him what is the matter and he says..."all I can smell is Mole-Asses" | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/30/2008 6:22:29 AM | What kind of tattoo did you get?
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says
"Where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
A tattoo?" she frowned.
"What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,"
he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?"
she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred
dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
Well, one, I like to watch my money grow,
two, once in a while I like to play with my money,
three, I like how money feels in my hand and
lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can
stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks
anytime you want."
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/30/2008 6:32:05 AM | Sorry to hear about your diagnosis and as suggested here is a joke from Downunder.
3 Couples get married on the same day, one US couple, and English Couple and an Aussie Couple.
So the first morning the American male says to his wife, Honey, when I get home tonight I expect the dishes done, the bed made and dinner on the table or I will be very displeased. So he gets home that night and sees nothing has changed so next morning he repeats himself. On the second night sees nothing has changed and repeats himself in the morning. Third night he gets home and sees the dishes are done, beds made and dinners on the table.
Anyway the Englishmen on his first night says to his bride, I say Darling, when I get home tonight I expect the dishes done, the bed made, my shirts ironed and dinner on the table or I will be very cross probably even write a letter to the times. So he gets home that night and sees nothing has changed so next morning he repeats himself. On the second night sees nothing has changed and repeats himself in the morning. Third night he gets home and sees the dishes are done, beds made and dinners on the table.
Finally we come to the Aussie Male on his first night he says to his bride, listen Sheila when I get home tonight I expect the dishes done, the bed made, the tyres rotated on me ute (Pickup to you Americans), the sheep dipped, the spare 50 Acres mowed, and dinner on the table or struth I will be fair dinkum angry. So that night he sees nothing, on the second night he still can't see anything but on the third night the swelling has gone down and he can start to see out of one eye. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/30/2008 8:10:15 AM | here's a joke some sent me
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a lady a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing his ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then stared a writing a third ticket, for my bad attitude, he said.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I yelled at him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/30/2008 8:56:01 AM | 2 little old ladies attended a rather long church service. One little old lady leaned over and said to the other one, "My butt is going to sleep."
To which the other little lady said,"I know...I heard it snore 3 times already!"
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/30/2008 9:26:14 AM | Here's one for you OP.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
She asks the next student. 'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said, 'Iam sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you show us your good manners?
'I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to 'after dinner.'
The teacher fainted. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:10:33 AM | OP Here's another for you LOL
Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
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| For you
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:24:44 AM | In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That French son of a **** wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought - "That ****ing Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again". | |
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| For you, again
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:30:00 AM | WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit. | |
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| For you, again & again
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:33:35 AM | A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower upstairs.
The man realises that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife at the bathroom window, "Where is the rake?"
She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee, and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?!"
The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE...THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was THAT?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH." | |
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| For you, again & again & again
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:35:25 AM | The sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone
just her and i
her hair so soft
her eyes so blue
i knew just what
she wanted to do
her skin so soft
her legs s fine
i ran my finger
down her spine
i didn't know how
but i tried my best
to place my hand
opon her breast
i remember my fear
my fast beating heart
but slowly she spread
her legs appart
and when she did
i felt no shame
all at once
the white stuff came
at last its finished
its all over
my first time
milking a cow!!!! | |
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| For you, again & again & again & again
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:41:56 AM | A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.
Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." | |
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| For you, again & again & again & again
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:37:31 PM | LMAO!!!! Maya 53 those were EXCELLENT!!! thanks!!!
by the time I get to surgery I'll have no a$$ left, I ll have laughed it off by then | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/30/2008 1:17:17 PM | An old man totters into a chemist to buy viagra " cani have 6 tablets and can you cut them into quarters please?" he asks The chemist replies" i could cut them for you but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection " " I am nearly 86 years old " replies the old man " I don,t have much use for a full erection ,I just want to stick it out far enough so i don ,t p*** on my slippers   | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/31/2008 2:32:20 PM | A vampire bat came in from the night , face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hasseling him about where he got it He told them to let him get some sleep, but they persisted, until he finally gave in "Ok follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him , Down through a valley they went , across a river and into a huge forest ,Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedlly milled around him ,tongues hanging out for blood "Do you see that large oak tree over there ?" he asked " Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy "Good " said the bloody faced bat "Because I *****NG didn t "   | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:02:27 PM | | Two new Skodas just crashed outside my house, there is cake liquorice jelly and icing all over my yard now. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:15:47 PM | I recently stopped to post an important letter, as I would only be there for about thirty seconds and all the parking bays were full I parked in a disabled bay. I returned to the car to see a parking attendant ready to write me a ticket. I pleaded to his better nature and explained as there were three other empty bays and I had not inconvenienced any other drivers surely he could be forgiving and not write me the ticket.
After a few seconds he looked at me and said" Okay if you can convince me you have a disability I will not give you a ticket".
I looked at him and said " Right you C45ting Bas574d I have got fuc709g tourettes you cu56in8 tw5t" .
He smiled and said "have a nice fu345ng" day. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:26:21 PM | After winning the lottery and buying his own trailer a young redneck visits his mother.
"Hey ma" he asks," how long did you say chicken lasts in the deep freeze ".
"Well son it depends " she say's, "how fresh it is when you put it in there ,but it should be okay for two or three months at least. Why do you ask boy?"
He said" well I only put them in last night and they were all dead this morning". | |
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| 7 year old
Posted: 3/31/2008 6:10:18 PM | A 7 year and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old. "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I will swear first then you, OK?"
"OK," says the 4 year old.
Their mother comes upstairs and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Shit, mom, I'll have cocopuffs."
WHACK !
The 7 year old flew out of his chair crying his eyes out as Mom looked at the 4 year old sternly.
With a warning tone in her voice she asks, "And what do you want for breakfast."
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it wont be f*cking cocopuffs.
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