| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:27:16 AM | My husband of 11 years cheated on me with a co-worker. When I found out he moved out that very day.
We have been separated now for 6 months. I believe he is still seeing the married other woman a bit. Since she is the one the relationship ended over I guess I have to accept that.
However, just because of the separation is it still cheating if he sees others besides her?
he thinks not. He says because we are apart but not divorced it is ok for him to see others and is not cheating.
I feel that because we are still legally married it is. What do you all think?
As for me, I have not really dated anyone, certainly have not had any sex, but I know I have to move on.
So I guess if I did date while separated I am technically cheating also.
I also feel that cheating is not just a sexual thing, it is the removal of emotional feelings and respect from a marriage.
As for divorce, it will come with the sale of our home.
Cheating Ya Think? | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:39:20 AM | That would depend on the reasons for the separation in my mind. If you are separated but have intentions on working to get the m arriage back on track then its cheating. How can you be working on your marriage with someone else in the picture. If you are separated as in predivorce and you are sure its all over but signing the papers then I personally wouldnt consider it cheating, although some may.
I would have to say for me personally I wouldnt be emotionally ready to date at this point and would not want to bring that to another person even in a dating venue. What happens when if one gets emotions involved and your not ready.
Sorry you are going through this. Good Luck
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:05:40 AM | Personally, I don't think it's cheating. You live in separate places, you are "separate," and he is dating - apparently moving on with his life. You stated the divorce will happen after the sale of your house, so I'm going to assume there's not much chance of reconciliation. I was legally separated for two years before the divorce was finalized. My ex had a girlfriend (she had nothing to do with breakup) and I dated. Neither of us ever felt we were cheating. Our marriage was dead, over, kaput. Signing the divorce papers only finalized the legal paperwork - the emotional aspect of our marriage had long since died.
I know some people feel it's wrong to date when you are separated and not divorced. That's fine; they are entitled to their opinions. However, I decided that once my marriage was over emotionally, physically and spiritually, I didn't need a court-stamped document to tell me that I could get on with my life. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:06:19 AM | OP...well to start off with, HE did cheat, He left, He moved on in a heartbeat!
You are the only one that can make the decision that will work for you, you seem to be more emotionally involved with the marriage, where he is not.
Do you want him back?
lm101 | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:11:19 AM | | I guess it depends on the reason. I would be reluctant to date a separated woman because the marriage isnt quite over yet. I had a brother who was used by a separated woman just to make her husband jealous. Course she didnt bother letting my brother know. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:15:07 AM | The part of me that loved him would take him back, the part of me that really knows my worth would not think of it. I could never trust him again. He did not respect me or our marriage.
No, I don't want him back. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:15:24 AM | Do you expect to reconcile and move back in? I think if you both feel that way and talk about actually doing it, then yes it's cheating.
If one or the other of you has no intention of remaining married, then to me the marriage is over and it's not cheating. Since you are going to finalize yours when you sell your house, I would say in your case he is not cheating.
Mind you, he already did the cheating, up to your full definition. That's why you moved out. At this point he's no longer cheating because he does not expect you to come back to him.
From what I have read on these boards, a) a lot of people disagree with my point of view, and b) a lot of people have been burned by seeing someone who's separated and then having them suddenly go back with their legal spouse. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:18:48 AM |
Is dating during spearation cheating?
Painful as it can be, I wouldn't think so, unless the separated couple are working on reconciliation.
Sure, there are legal issues, religious issues, moral issues--but when it comes down to it, if the marital RELATIONSHIP is over, then I can't see where the question of fidelity remains a realistic concern...especially if it's of concern to only one of the people involved.
OP, for your own comfort, I'd try to resist the temptation to even KNOW what it is that your spouse is doing, UNLESS that information is relevant to your divorce proceedings. If he's done with the marriage, then concerning yourself with what goes on in his personal life can serve no purpose but to cause you further pain. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:21:21 AM | Absolutely no reconciliation. I am moving forward. I understand how some are reluctant
to see a person who is separated. I however would not date someone if I had any intention of returning to my spouse or was not willing to move on.
I never want to hurt anyone.
He moved out. I had no reason to leave our home. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:20:54 PM | His involvements with other women cannot be regarded as him cheating on you because his romantic relationship with you is over and has been declared over. All that remains is legal work, the romantic partnership does not exist any more.
You may feel betrayed by his being with other women but romantically, he is no-longer your partner so whilst it could be considered that he might be a little more sensitive and could perhaps have given you more time to be ready to move on, I think you should be the one to take responsibility for your feelings here.
One question you might consider quietly to yourself is what difference would it make to your feelings of hurt if a bunch of strangers had judged that he was wronging you? Whether he's behaving badly or not, your relationship with him is over and your feelings are whatever they will be, whether they are "morally justifiable" or not.
You have no option but to deal with your feelings and to move on without holding him responsible (giving him power) over any aspect of your life from the moment of the break-up onwards. You will find freedom in taking responsibility for yourself and for your feelings and steering clear of blaming others. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:29:38 PM | Wooby a few posts below me makes a good point that I find interesting because on those dating a separated person threads nearly 100% will say it is cheating with a small minority chiming in that if the relationship is over, legal work is legal work yet in this instance when you have been cheated on and he has left, it is seen as not cheating on either side, hmmmm.
Number one, what he does is his business. I don't say that to be harsh but one it is true, and two, when you get that into your head, you will be able to move on more quickly and this whole mess will hurt a whole lot less.
What you do is your business and what you are comfortable with. If you have no intention of getting back with your X and you are upfront with people you date I would not consider that cheating but what is important is whether you feel that it is. The question is whether the marriage is over in your mind, and your reaction to his behavior suggests that it is not (not that you want him back but because you give a shit one way or the other whether he is seeing other people even though it hurts, it seems to upset you which is different).
While you do not necessarily have to wait for the ink to dry, you should be free of emotional entanglement with your X which you are not. When you get to the point that you don't really care what he is doing, you may be ready to date and will likely be divorced and this whole thread a moot point. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:29:44 PM | Its all a matter of how YOU look at it I guess.
Personally my divorce took almost 2 years to be final! He got 2 different women pregnant! Was it cheating? Nah... He did that BEFORE he moved out! Lol
I think if you have any intention of getting back together you could look at it as if it were cheating. If the answer there is no. Then IMO it isn't cheating! | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:31:12 PM | Depends which thread you're on, lol! If you're wanting support for "cheating" go look at the "would you date a separated person?" threads. There, everyone feels that anyone without a final signature on their divorce papers is still married, and therefore cheating.
As for your stbX, he cheated on you, the marriage ended: he is NOT cheating now. Nor would you be if you started to date.
Just my 2ยข | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:32:47 PM | Its over let it go...
Not saying it will be easy, but why would you want to be bound to a man who clearly has no respect for you the women he is with or himself.
He has made his point of view very clear and i'm sure he knows how you think. what does that tell you about him?
If he knows you think he's cheating like rune3 says he has been given the power to hurt you even further... why not just give him an axe and be done with it?
I'm sure what you've gone though is painful, but do you need to make it worse? | |
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leepps
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Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 15 | |
| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:32:49 PM | Well it depends. Seperation for me is permanent and is the term related to married people who are no longer together before the divorce which can take a few years. So no its not, the affair was cheating yes and should be the reason for the divorce but what he does now is up to him.
But slady52, once you are ready get back on the dating ladder and it'll be like a breath of fresh air!! (although you will get the odd stench i'm afraid  ). Good luck.. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:34:38 PM | Well, back in the early 1990's, i tried to date a woman who was seperated. The ol' man was taking money out of her purse at night, and sneaking down to the local pub to meet up with her girlfriend. Nice guy, right? So she leaves him. She meets me. We start to date a few times. Just before it got serious between us, she goes back to the fool. After that point, i said to self : If the lady in question is not 100 % single IE never married, divorced, or widowed, i ain't getting involved. You may run into guys who feel the same as i do. Just be honest with them and see what happens.  | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:43:43 PM | Divorce him and move on.
Sorry but why care what he is doing or if its considered cheating, when he
obviously doesn't love you to begin with. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:52:45 PM | slady52, you may think you're moving forward, but your question indicates that you spend too much time looking in the rear-view mirror!
First and hardest thing to achieve after the demise of our delusions of reality regarding our relationship (and our view of everything) is to come to grips with honesty and truth.
You're not being honest with your self when you ask if "cheating after cheating is cheating". Is cheating with 2 women worse than cheating with 1 women... Moral distinction is obfuscation! In the end, he may be forgiven anyway, the more the merrier.
Furthermore, to state you would never want to hurt anyone is just not true.
YOU fall within the set of 'anyone' - yet you ponder these hurtful thoughts that are doing just that - hurting your self. You're not being honest with your self.
Be honest with your self and the healing will take place, otherwise it'll only take longer. When the honesty does come, you may find it expressed as anger.
Telling the complete truth is more than being honest - it's the key to learning to love your self.
 Best wishes. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:53:44 PM | It is not so much that I care what he is doing. It is more a moral question.
I certainly am not wasting my life on a man who does not want me. It took me time to decide to put my profile on POF...Actually right now staying married for the moment is a financial issue. Marriage, ie I keep medical insurance, car insurance, etc.
Until the house is sold, I have to rely on those things. Sucks, yep, just a fact of life.
I know all about feeling transference, rebound relationships and getting involved for fear of being alone.
If I felt I was doing that I would not even consider dating now. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:54:07 PM | | you got to move on, he,s not bothered , if he doesn,t stay with the girl he cheated with, then got someone else forget him. Your to good for him. Get back into dating, not to serious though enjoy life. Thats what it,s for. And it,s just not seperation is it if this is what he,s up to. | |
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leepps
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Joined: 3/11/2008
Msg: 22 | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 1:10:36 PM | Cheating is defined by the people in the relationship. He has made it clear that the relationship is over. He is staying married to OP so that she can stay on his health insurance. That a marriage does not make.
As long as you are upfront about the fact that you are still legally married and how long you have been seperated (legally and physically) with the men you are dating it is all good. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 1:17:36 PM | Cheating is a betrayal of trust and also gives one partner in a love relationship a freedom the other does not share. The distinction shouldn't necessarily revolve about the fact that it's a legal marriage. Cheating is just as real in dating relationships. If you're separated, you're free to date (certainly he sees it as that - which is how you became estranged as a couple).
Good Luck - I know it's yucky. But many of us have been cheated on or have initiated the cheat. Some of us have even experienced it from both sides. It doesn't feel good either way, but very often cheating comes into play when neither partner in the dead love relationship knows to takes the initiative to end it honorably; so, instead they take a lover to force an end in that way. Very often, the modest thrill of an infidelity is enough to fortify the partner to divorce. It's ironic. It feels so hurtful and cruel, but often it's used as an excuse because it's so hard to tell a wife or husband you don't love them anymore. For some bizarre reason, it actually seems easier to say I'm in love with somebody else. When I left my hubby - I told him I was leaving on a spiritual quest. It seemed kinder. That spirutual quest was my next marriage and he left me for HIS spiritual quest, haha.. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 1:18:13 PM | Bottom line: will what people say here affect your former spouse's romantic activities? Probably not, even if the consensus is that he's cheating.
I suspect that what really matters to you is that you find his actions hurtful - regardless of whether he's technically "cheating" (though I think he is) - and you're entitled to feel that way. But instead of trying to pin a "cheater" label on him, try to focus on moving forward, yourself. You deserve better than someone who would treat you that way. | |
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