| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 3:25:52 AM | | Recently, I've been sort of losing hope and think that maybe it's impossible to find a man who will be with you for who you are. It seems like all men are after are the playboy fantasy and most women don't look like that. Maybe I've been around the wrong people?? I'm the kind of person who values what the person has inside; their personality, intelligience, talents, humor, etc... Why is it that men are first attracted physically to a woman and then THAT is what starts or ignites their desire to get to know them more? Why can't it be the other way around? Just get to know someone regardless of what they look like or if they do or don't feel a physical attraction towards them...and then see what happens? | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 4:27:18 AM | Oamila,
I hear what you are saying. I'll take it a step further and tell you that I have read many profiles on here and have men say on them how they want an independent woman, able to hold a conversation on a multitude of subjects, educated, intelligent, sophisticated, self-supporting, etc.
For me, it seems like they find out just how educated I am (I hold a Master's Degree) and can support myself financially, they run like hell.
As far as the physical aspect goes, for me, it is even more difficult as I am a BBW and very upfront and honest about it. No sense in lying about my appearance. My take on it is there is much more to me than my boobs or rear-end. If they don't like who and what I am, hit the road.
It seems our society talks out of both corners of our mouths. On one hand, we say it's not the outside that counts, it's the inside. Yet, we go to any magazine rack at any store and what do we see on the front cover? Slicked up, sexed up, airbrushed men AND women on the cover who have had tons and tons of cosmetic surgery.
You have to go under the surface to find out what a person truly is. I remember one summer I subbed on a sand volleyball team. There was one beautiful woman on there who was a Kelly Ripa look a like. She had the blonde hair, and nice figure, etc. - basically a piece of eye candy. The guys LITERALLY made total idiots of themselves trying to be near her. Later on in the season, all of a sudden, the guys weren't doing that so much anymore. I asked Dan, one of the good friends I had made on the team what the deal was. He told me that he took her out one night for plans for dinner and a movie and maybe coffee or a drink afterward. Well, he took her to a nice place in the Old Market District in Omaha for dinner then they strolled around after that. He told me she acted like a total biatch the whole time, so he cut the evening short, saying he had to get to work early the next day and took her home. It turned out that she dated most of the guys on the league and she acted that way to them as well.
So the lesson that can be learned here is it just goes to show that a person can be really beautiful on the outside, but the inside can be very ugly as there is no substance. | |
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TLC_
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Joined: 1/26/2008
Msg: 3 | |
| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 4:28:35 AM | i agree with a lot of what you say here Qamila,
i would like to think im not the only bloke on this planet who values personality and the person inside.... but looking at so many posts on here it looks like most do not,
an unfortunate aspect of the past decade or 2, in so many people, gone is the loyalty, respect, devotion and togetherness. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 7:33:59 AM |
Why can't it be the other way around? Just get to know someone regardless of what they look like or if they do or don't feel a physical attraction towards them...and then see what happens?
The simple answer to this is not to put a photograph on your profile. For those who aren't bothered about a picture it won't make any difference and they'll still contact you. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 9:11:50 AM | I can only speak for myself but I certainly dont look for a "playboy fantasy" as you say. There does have to be an initial attraction though. Just like I am sure the nicest guy in the world could approach you but if you are not attracted to him it probably wouldnt work. You shouldnt generalize men either because many women are like this as well. Like you, I value all the qualities that a woman has on the inside as well but there has to be some kind of attraction. Dont sweat it though. Just keep kissing those frogs and eventually one of them will turn into a prince.  | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 4:41:10 PM | Thanks for everyone's advice...it does seem that the more educated a woman is, the more the guy runs the other way...what is that about? their own insecurities?? It's true that I should not generalize men and that women are guilty of doing the same thing, but I would say probably 90% or maybe a little more, of men, are looking for the physical package FIRST...later on they can get to know that person and see if they are compatible. But initially, the physical is what gets the man to make the decision of whether they want to get to know that person more or not...and that's sad to me. I think women are more inclined to look past the physical and get to know the man for who he is. For me, though, I think most of them believe that physical attractiveness in a woman is top priority.
It's frustrating to know that you have so much to offer...and most men out there take one look at you and think that the physical appearance is what determines whether they will take a chance at getting to know you. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 6:31:57 PM | I am new to this online thing, but the people I have met in life and friends I have are not like that. That does not mean that they aren't visual at all. I think it comes down to the person's personality(how visual they are--we are all somewhat visual, anyway) and if you two have the spark or not. Yes, I think you can grow to have a spark, but many do not.
@original poster- Just be patient.
Online though, I think you run the risk of not knowing another's tastes. So, read the profile and check for the person's preferences, first. Or ask them. | |
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Jemue
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Joined: 1/26/2005
Msg: 8 | |
| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 6:41:54 PM |
It seems like all men are after are the playboy fantasy and most women don't look like that.
Not true, though if that's what you believe you'll project that on to "all guys" I'd think.
Maybe I've been around the wrong people??
I'd think so. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 7:03:41 PM | To generalize is to misunderstand...
Qamila, You seem to have too many unrealistic assumptions. (and we've all heard what assumptions do)
1. You've been here a month. Thats barely enough time to get your feet wet. Figure on at least half a year or more.
2. You're stuck on some idea that men don't want an educated woman. BAH!! Yes, some feel that way, but many don't. Your task here is to tailor your profile to attract a man who appreciates intelligence.
3. You're stuck on the idea that men look at appearances first. Not necessarily true. If you focus your efforts on those who want quality, you'll find that appearance is no longer top priority.
4. geography and other restrictions. Y'know all those restrictions that say who can and who cannot email you? Get rid of them all. Your match may live 76 miles away, or inadvertently put himself on some other restriction. Spread your net wider.
G | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 7:12:21 PM | | Canoist has wise words as is his fashion....you are a lovely young woman and there is no ticking time bomb on your love life! Let life happen and be the best you can be....make yourself a happy life. He could be early or late, but you wouldn't want to accept a substitute. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 7:38:16 PM | | As someone who can easily imagine what it might be like for a man, I can report that it is the outside of a woman that first comes into view. In responding then to her outer form the dictates of evolution demand a sexual response. This cannot be changed, only kept secret by pretense. My guess is that it will be impossible to find the man who skips this first impression. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 8:07:57 PM | The answers to all of our questions are in a book called
Calling in the One
I highly recommend...
It Googlesjavascript:smilie(' ')
If you are serious abut this question, do yourself a favor and get this bookjavascript:smilie(' ') | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 8:15:54 PM | Why why why...do you whine like this in person? It is what it is. If you are not happy with your appearance, and think it's why a man doesn't want you, then change it.
One more thing...try changing your profile pics. Leave the scenery for your friends to look at. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 8:20:18 PM | | you must be living in the wrong part of the country== you are very pretty and sound very nice- i know tons of guys in the south and midwest who would fall for you in a heartbeat- i have had lots of fun and interesting dates- men who want to commit- but i am looking for someone who adores me, so i am picky...but you should be able to find these guys- they are sweet, kind,hard working and out there! search farther and plan to move! | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 8:21:09 PM | Hang in there Qamila.. All good things come to those that wait and all that. There is nothing wrong with your pictures, you seem pretty, articulate and write in complete sentences. You're a catch.. now it's just the waiting game till you find someone local enough they can reach out to you. No doubt even now some shy artist type is working up the courage to contact you.  | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 8:41:29 PM | | As rocky would say. "Its never over" I'd suggest putting on the theme song to Rocky! | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 8:47:48 PM | | Because of our sinful nature, its very hard to see inward beauty of a person. Try to find a dating sight where people have more or less the same idealisms that you have. For myself, POF is not as good of a dating search engine as the catholic singles are. You will find what your looking for, try fishing in other ponds. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 10:56:19 PM | It seems many people on the forums are losing hope.
Maybe I've been around the wrong people??
Have you tried responding to men who email you who aren't 22 years old with rock hard abs?
I'm the kind of person who values what the person has inside; their personality, intelligience, talents, humor, etc... Why is it that men are first attracted physically to a woman and then THAT is what starts or ignites their desire to get to know them more? Why can't it be the other way around?
I feel the same way, but do you practice what you preach? For example, do you respond to every message written to you regardless of what the grainy, fuzzy little picture on the other end appears to you as? I know I do, meaning I've written two responses so far.
Just get to know someone regardless of what they look like
I guess I will ask this question a third time, since you alluded to it thrice as well. Do you respond to all messages given you, regardless of what the person looks like in their pictures?
Of all the times I have asked this question of women in the forums, I have yet to get an answer. Maybe you can change that startling statistic:) | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:25:27 PM | | hi quamila. unfortunately canoeist talks like the typical male chauvenist! i have been on here and entirely agree with your point of view. but dont give up honey. if they dont appreciate you then its their loss, not yours. kim. x | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:32:54 PM | | Hang in there not all guys are that way. dont give up the hope--yes. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:37:47 PM | Well Qamila your problem are your pictues. You are so far away in your pictures. I cna;t make you out that well less alone make out with you. You look ok to me. i'd go out with you as I do liek older women as well as younger women or any women as long as they ahve a pretty face and a good personality. it hink you need a close up picture of your face and some pcitures where we cna see your body clearly and not be a mile away from the camera. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:43:12 PM | | What's the first thing that attracts you to a man? Do you email men with no pics? I think its natural. | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/1/2008 1:08:21 AM | On POF, the first thing that attracts me to a profile are his interests...and if I can get some type of feeling as to how is personality is like by the way or the things he's written on his profile. And, yes, I have emailed men with no pics...originally, I didn't have any pics on my profile, but two people emailed me and said it was "unfair" that I had no pics of myself...so I decided to post them on my profile.
I am very happy with my appearance and this is not about how I feel about myself. I'm just trying to figure out if this POF thing is a waste of time....is me thinking that a man will like someone based on their personality, and not their appearance, a possibility?
And those were the only pictures I had on my computer at the time I made my profile.
And, yes, I respond to messages regardless of the picture and even if there is no picture at all.
Thank you everyone for your supportive comments and also the not-so-supportive ones:) I have be patient and wait and see what happens... | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/1/2008 1:33:48 AM | is me thinking that a man will like someone based on their personality, and not their appearance, a possibility?
I would have to say that it is highly likely that men here will like you regardless of what little, grainy picture you have posted on your profile. I could see you not getting many suitors if you were an ugly 400Lb "whale" with an acne problem who has nothing going in her life. But that is not the case here:)
I respond to messages regardless of the picture and even if there is no picture at all
That right there makes you a diamond in the rough. You have the intelligence and moral capacity to see beyond the superficialities that MTV and People Magazine instruct you to follow. Too bad you live way over in Jersey!
I know this is not the profile review section of the forum, but I might as well give you a little advice while you're here.
Your age restrictions are quite narrow. Be a little more lax with the age restriction, you'd probably be surprised by how many guys try to message you who get the old "Qamila does not wish to talk to you, and is not looking for what you are looking for. Return to your inbox". I just tried to send you a message by the way!
You are by no means "Big&Tall/BBW". Be more honest with yourself (and others) about your appearance. You are more of an "average" in my book;)
Maybe some guys are just not ready for a "Long term relationship" right off the bat! I would assume that one is "Dating" before they go into the abyss of something considered "long term", right?
Finally, yes, more pictures of you closer to the lens would probably do wonders. But then again, maybe you just want to keep it that way so that the "bad guys" don't just message you to ask for a quick fling. It's all up to you!
I see you list "Tainos" as an interest. I have read a few books about the Tainos and their experience with the Spanish. Are you an Indigenous rights type of person? What do you feel about Leonard Peltier? | |
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| Losing hope...
Posted: 4/1/2008 2:03:30 AM | Well, I'm Dominican so my heritage is from the Tainos...
Ok...I changed my age restrictions...good advice.
I guess I was going by the national height & weight scale which means that I'm not at my "ideal weight." But, you're right...I should write what I believe, not what society thinks.
I put "long term" because that's my goal...but it's true that dating comes first:)
And hey...whales happen to be my favorite mammals in the entire sea...they are the most beautiful creatures...protectors and noble:) | |
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