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Posted: 3/31/2008 7:56:15 AM | Hi guys,
How are you all?
Well, it turns out im going to be a single mum.
I am 24, i had a career,was doing a degree, had a roof over my head and pretty much had my life on track.
Babys father wanted us to start a family,we talked about it, he said he'd support us and we'd be a proper family etc.
I believed him.
When i got pregnant he changed,got very short tempered,shouting at me over the smallest things ,squareing up to me,punching doors and things.He began to stay out all night,telling me he could do better then me etc, and I would sit there in tears and he would just sit there and laugh at me.
Anyway, he decided to walk out on us and now im alone.
I have had to quit my degree as he hadnt been paying the rent on our flat and its all been left to me, so i cant afford to pay for it any longer.
I stopped working full time when i got pregnant as he wanted me to stay at home (and like an idiot i went along with it), and i have now have nothing.
I have had three months of hell from him, and i have lost my confidence, so im sitting here feeling scared and wondering what im going to do, and what i did wrong to make him change like that.
I want to do the best for my child and give it the best start in life possible, but i feel guilty because of the situation i will be bringing it into, i already feel ive let my baby down.
I have so much to sort out and i dont know where to start, all i know is im scared im going to mess-up and my best wont be good enough.
Does anyone have any advice on how to cope and get your head round being a single parent?
How do you through feeling lonely and scared, or do you get through it simply because you have no choice?
Clearly i have been nieve and stupid but i need to get my act together for my child.
Im not the first and i doubt ill be the last but im finding it very difficult to cope with the idea, even though i have no choice,and i never thought id feel this lonely or lost either. so any positive tips or advice would be really great 
xxx | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 8:06:19 AM | | i will pray for you dear.my advise would be to do so yourself.it worked for me.god bless. | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 8:08:19 AM | | hi im as ingle and iread your fourm,im going through the the same kind of problems but my ex wasnt voilent towards me or anything,anyway all i have to say is to keep your chin up thing well better for you,we all go through tough times but we bounce back in the end,try and stay in touch with your friend s and family they will take that lonelness away from you.second your better of without your ex you have to think hes the loser not you.i dont know why guys do that bringing a child into the world is a beautifull thing.anyway best of luck to you and if you ever need to talk dont be afraid to message me KEEP THAT CHIN UP | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 8:08:34 AM | First let me say congrats!
Now let me say suck it up. And I mean that the sweetest way possible. why are you treating pregnancy like a disease? Ok, the guy has dipped (trust me, I know all about the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde that happens to some men when the woman gets pregnant) and you are on your own.
Get your job back. Your full time job. I, and many other women, worked through the entire pregnancy. Heck I went out with friends after working all day (overtime since it was tax season) the night I went into labor.
Get back in school!!! Why did you quit? I STARTED back as soon as I found out I was pregnant! I had got my associates and kinda took a long (2 year) break and as soon as that test came back positive I knew that I HAD to complete my degree and do better for my daughter and myself.
And no need to feel lonely. Surround yourself with friends and family that love you. I took my oppurtunity while pregnant to weed out all the negative people in my life.
I really am not meaning to sound harsh but you're going to be a mom- time to man up! So to speak. lol  | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 8:20:32 AM | Fab-mom, you dont sound harsh at all.
I quit my degree because i couldnt pay for it, hes left me in debt, which is why im now panicing.
I would like to go back to work, but im not sure where i stand on being employed by anyone while im pregnant?
I dont feel like pregnancy is a disease, really its a gift, its just that my life as i knew it has changed forever, i didnt expect for it to turn out like this, and im not sure how to get my head around it, after all it isnt about me now, so i need to pull myself together,i just hope im going to be good enough.
You are absolutely right though. | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 8:30:51 AM | You don't need to tell any potential employer you are pregnant. Of course being a couple of months along, it may show. The problem you will have now though is you won't be entitled to any maternity benefits from any job you take on now as you wont have been working for them long enough, so you will have to claim maternity allowance... for when you have the baby, as a single mum on a low wage once baby is born you will be entitled to a Sure Start Maternity Grant of £500. If you choose to return to work following the birth of the baby you will also be entitled to working tax and child tax credit.
If your ex has left you with debt problems contact CCCS,(google them) They will help you sort out payment plans etc.
It may seem like a big nightmare at the moment but everything will be fine and you will be good enough. | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 8:31:15 AM | It's tough. I know. I think the hardest part is working out in your head that you aren't going to have that white picket fence family like it was "suppose" to be. And it gets worse right after the baby is born but then it gets better. And we ALL make stupid mistakes. Some of us just have proof of it 
I'm not sure where you live but pell grants should be available to you. Check online for the federal grants and these do not have to be paid back. And you don't have to have the child to be eligible It's for anyone. Parent or not. School is the MOST important thing. You owe yourself and your child your education.
The guy sounds like he has a tendency to be violent. Stay far far away from him. My daughters father tried to make me miscarry twice before I left. I didn't realize what he was attempting until AFTER I left or I would have been gone sooner.
You are strong. And you can do this. If *I* can anyone can. lol. Find a supportive single mother group. I met the most wonderful set of women online that are my best friends. And I met my super best friend on a single moms forum. She just happened to live in the same town and now we are support for each other.
Maybe start going to church if you don't already. I didn't start going again until after the birth of my daughter. There is something about finally meeting those little people that really lets it sink in how wonderful our God is. And it's so comforting to be able to lean on Him when I need to. I know that he has control of my life and whatever is thrown at me I can take. | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 10:24:10 AM | 1. Quit smoking - first, as you well know, it is no good for your OR your baby. Can't quit for yourself - quit for your baby. Second - that money you are wasting on smokes? Diapers for your baby!
2. Go back to school anyway you can. Get an education for you and your baby.
3. Take any help you can get - be it from the government, friends, family.
4. Educate yourself about being a mommy. Learn everything you can about breastfeeding and parenting inexpensively and healthy. Breastfeeding is what is best for you and your baby and it is FAR cheaper then formula-feeding. | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 11:20:43 AM | Everyone has obstacles they need to overcome, think of this time as a challenge to do it yourself, then you can be proud of what you accomplished. As we know, if we knew how it would be in the future, we may do things differently, but we can't. You just need to adjust and do what's best at the moment. You have options, it's not the end of the world, which I'm sure you are feeling. It's not good to stress out, so take each day at a time, easier said then done, but at this time, it's the best thing to do and less stressful than feeling overwhelmed about the future.
First, get yourself situated. Can you live with family/friends? help with a bit of rent, have a roomate?
Second, get a job, see if you can work at an old job, were you in good terms with your old job before you quit? Places at work can't use pregnancy as an excuse to not hire you unless it requires lifting or anything that may endanger the pregnancy. I don't know how it is in England, but in the states, it would be discrimination if they don't hire you due to pregnancy. Do they have kid stores there, perhaps you can work there.
Third, yes gradually cut off smoking, that money could be used to save up on what you need. You need to make a list of priority of what you need to do, what money goes where.
Fourth: Do yoga/light walking to destress. If you're feeling anxious, turn it into action and walk it out. Go to the doctor and find out what exercises you can do. go to the library and read books on parenting, there's no perfect way but it's good to know the basics. And it's better to know then not to know.
I would put off school, because you have enough on your plate right now, til you feel you are ready. I hope your family is a good support group for you in the meantime and after you have the baby. If you don't have a good support system, find a group of single moms/parents to join in your area, you don't necessarily need to have the baby to join, perhaps they can offer good advice for you, it's good to relate to others.
I went through alot of stress in the first 4 months of pregnancy, it wasn't easy, but I did find praying helped a lot. it's great to know I wasn't alone. perhaps you can find inspiration by joining a church. Maybe they can help you with resources on how to provide for yourself and the baby. It is overwhelming when you have alot to deal with, but really, try to take it out in small steps, you'll get over them eventually. Just focus right now on you and your baby.
And after you have the baby, you should pursue child support. | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 12:00:32 PM | First off congrats on being a Mum soon!
Second, forget that loser and move on.
Thirdly, don't feel guilty about anything - you did nothing wrong by the sound of it.
Fourth, you haven't let you or you're baby down at all.
Fifth, yeah its scary and lonely out there but once you see that little face counting on you every day you'll do things without realising it, and quite naturally too!
You can get everything else back on track once baby arrives and you both settle into a routine. You're young and can easily study for that degree later (remotely).
Chin up and smile! Bam Bam (single Dad) Xx | |
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Posted: 3/31/2008 12:10:44 PM | When you left you uni did you defer your course? You can hold the modules you have already completed for three years, contact your uni asap if you didn't defer them. Also uni fees may seem way to high at the moment, but you will be entitled to help towards your fees and childcare expenses once the baby is born if you wish to return to your course.
Its not impossible to study with a young baby. I had my first child during my second year at uni. Although married at the time, my husbands job had him out of the country more than he was in so it was mainly me and my daughter... it is doable. I went back when she was 6 weeks old and still breastfeeding. Uni were fab, gave me a room to express in on the one day I had to be there all day and access to a fridge in the Lecturers lounge to store the milk. | |
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Posted: 4/1/2008 6:20:57 AM | "1. Quit smoking - first, as you well know, it is no good for your OR your baby. Can't quit for yourself - quit for your baby. Second - that money you are wasting on smokes? Diapers for your baby!"
i dont smoke i gave up soon as i found out ;o) | |
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Posted: 4/1/2008 8:33:44 AM | Is anyone else getting nasty emails from someone regarding this post? Just wondering what I said so wrong.
PS- It's not anyone that is actually posting on here. just some random person that has no balls. | |
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Posted: 4/1/2008 8:42:22 AM | Nope. Can't see what you said that was so wrong either!
Something else that sprung to mind today OP. Contact your local Sure Start see what they have on offer support groups and courses wise. Our local Sure Start have groups for single parents, young mums, etc as well as things like baby massage. Getting involved might help you feel less isolated.
Also second what another poster said about breastfeeding be best for you and bubs and free. And if you are interested I have loads of cloth nappies you could have. Much cheaper and better for the environment than disposables.... also if you consider using reusable nappies contact your local council, many councils offer discounts on Council Tax or discounts on nappies bought from a specific website (The Nappy Lady).
For baby things if you don't mind second hand find out when your local National Childbirth Trust are having their nearly new sales, you can get clothes, bedding and equipment in great condition much cheaper than off the high street, also think about using Freecycle for things.
and I think thats all of my practical money saving tips for today! LOL | |
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Posted: 4/1/2008 9:06:57 AM | Congratulations as well. Even if you had been married ten years and everything was stable you would be scared now, and that's a good thing, means that you recognize the responsibility that is wrapped up in that growing bundle of joy. Was going to send you an e-mail and can't get through your restrictions.
First of all, every time you start to get overwhelmed just stop close your eyes and focus on breathing for a few seconds or a couple of minutes. I truly believe that there was a big difference in my kids because by the second or third kid you are way less wound up and guess what, they are born and they are easier babies so try to keep a grip on the emotions for yourself as well as the baby.
That said, also look at manageable pieces. One of the reasons that you are freaking out is because you are looking at all of your problems as a whole. And if you are anything like I was, start making lists because pregnancy does horrible things to your mind. With some of today's styles, unless you are really showing you should be able to go in and get a job without anyone thinking more than maybe you need to lose a few pounds, lol.
Once you have some time to sort things out, get back into school because long term that is the best you can do for you and the baby. While you don't count on it, leave open the possibility that Jekyll and Hyde will get his shit together and step up and be a dad. Even if he does not do so from a physical and emotional standpoint, he is legally responsible for supporting his child, so get the legal balls rolling on that deal as quickly as possible.
As far as the debt, if things are overwhelming you focus on what HAS to be paid, and that is different from all of the bills. You figure out your housing and utilities, phone, transportation. Anything else you can let go until you can deal with it.
****Now listen, because this is the most important thing I am going to say. Thousands of women around the world would give their right arm to be you even in your given circumstances because they cannot have a child of their own. What is happening to you is a miracle and you should try to focus on that. All of the things you are worried about now are going to work themselves out.
You are a smart girl, you will be a good mom, and you will make the most of a shitty situation and your child won't blame you for failing to be able to see the future (mine do every day). My X-husband was a jerk on a good day and one to the nth degree during all three pregnancies accusing me of it being someone else's baby, etc. You know what, I allowed him to rob me of the joy that I should have felt throughout those pregnancies. Don't do it to yourself.
You have no control over your X, consider him a non-entity and don't waste time or energy trying to figure out why he turned out to be Mr. Mercurial the minute you wound up pregnant. Some men just do that. Why doesn't matter, just take care of yourself and your baby and everything will be okay. When you have a kid, you just do whatever you need to do, period, now go lay down because you are probably worrying yourself sick and then get up and start getting your game plan together. | |
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Posted: 4/1/2008 9:26:47 AM | I don't think many of us set out to be a single parent, people do change for whatever reason, since your man was being violent you are better off without him.
My ex was a stay at home mom for 5 years, we divorced when our twins were three. I remember thinking "How the he11 am I going to be able to do this?" The answer is you just do it and soon you'll look back at the tough times and remember you don't think about them much.
One of my very good friends was left with two boys in diapers and pregnant with the third. She sought out public assistance to continue her education, child care and housing. Twelve years later she's still an RN and works in the NICU at a prominent hospital. Point is, it can be done. I'm sure you feel helpless and bewildered now, but little ones get a lot more expensive as they get older. With your degree in hand you'll be in a much better position to take care of the both of you.
Having a single mom's or single parent group helps a lot, too. I'm not sure if this site would be my first choice since there's some non-parents here that enjoy berating those who are. Internet and real life friends and family are essential, seek them out.
Edit: PDX3's post above about debt is exactly right, in my opinion. I'm sure you're concerned about your credit rating and all that you've worked for, but you'll get through it. I remember one time pulling in the driveway at the house (after picking up my kids from extended care at school) only to discover the power had been shut off because the garage door wouldn't open. I wasn't going to let on to the kids what was going on, instead, I drove to the payment center and then on to Chuck E Cheese for dinner while I waited for the power to be reconnected. The kids were none the wiser, but man, that was a sobering experience. You can rebuild your credit later, it's not that you set out to fail or are careless, it's just the situation. | |
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lr_ar
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Joined: 11/18/2006
Msg: 17 | |
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Posted: 4/1/2008 9:46:20 AM | Hi-
This might get long but I'm gonna go for it anyway...I am 26 and also a single mother to a 18 mth girl.I was with her father for 8 yrs .He decided to leave us a wk after she was born.I thought i wasnt gonna make I was in rough shape over it all.But I did and i did it beacuse of her i knew i had to be strong ,strong for her and thats what you need to do too .Its very hard but you can do it.Still some days it gets hard being I know he has moved on he is married and has another child on the way and has nothing to do with his own and i do mean nothing hasnt from day one.Thats about to change though.I wish you the best of luck.and as alot of people said to you .You are better off with out him...I also wondered for many months what i did wrong and i still cant come up with an answer so it must be nothing.people change on a daily bases and they must have too...Just keep you head held high and take care of your self and that little baby...good luck.. | |
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adimi
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Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 18 | |
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Posted: 4/1/2008 10:18:14 AM | hiya yes its hard as a single parent (im a single parent to 3 children) but i promise you the good times far out way the bad.you may want to think about going to the job center as they will be able to provide you with lots of advice on benefits once you have had ur baby the midwife and health visitor will help you with where the local playgroups and mother and baby group. i dont know if any of what i have put is any help but i really hope it is and congratulations on the pregnancy by the way  oh and every mum to be worrys that they wont be good enough but u will be and il guarantee that u will love every minute of being a mum x | |
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Posted: 4/1/2008 12:49:16 PM | First of all, I have never been in your position.
I know people who have. (one woman had a toddler and a newborn)
In Canada, if you start working full time and no longer attend a post-secondary institution, you are required to make student loan payments.
So, get back in school.
There are groups and organizations who will help you, but you have intiate the processes by asking.
Ask your friends and your family for HELP. There is no such thing as being 'too proud' to ask for help.
Have you applied for scholarships, bursaries and other financial help ?
There is lots out there and you can do it.
AND oh yeah, DO NOT DO A THING YOUR EX DEMANDS. He will come back and try to sabatoge your efforts, because he has no self confidence and only survives by putting others down. He is the father of the child, so it is his responsiblity to put up, and shut up.
Go for it Girl !
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Posted: 4/2/2008 7:14:03 AM | I'm sorry to hear how things have turned out, but in all honesty, if that's the way things turned out, then you're better off as a single parent.
Being a single mother is hard. I have a one and a half year old daughter, and her father and I split up after a 4 year relationship before I even knew I was pregnant, so I've been mostly on my own since day one.
Please don't let some a**hole guy bring down your self confidence and make you feel less of yourself. Sometimes men can be very cruel and it's tough because you are already at a very emotional part in your life, but you do seem to have your head on your shoulders, you're very pretty, and you're smart, you're going to be a good mother as long as you try.
Working while pregnant is hard. Lots of days you aren't feeling well, and there's always that discrimination in the work force because you're pregnant. You don't need to tell them you are, as they can't not hire you just because you're pregnant, but they'll find out down the road anyways.
Going back to school is a good idea too. That's what I did. I was lucky to have family to fall back on to help me, and although my whole life was turned upside down, I was able to sort through it and make a plan that would benefit the baby and I both, and I followed through.
It's hard to wrap your head around being a mother sometimes, especially when you're all alone, and it's hard. Baby blues are normal after a pregnancy also, as long as it's not TOO depressed and you're still able to take care of yourself and your baby, and your baby should still bring you joy. Your whole life changes though, from sleeping to eating to going out to even taking a shower, and sometimes it's hard to get used to and adjust.
But the bottom line is, all these things are just something you have to suck up and do to be a good parent. After the baby is born, try getting out to childrens centres so the baby can play with other babies and you can talk to other moms. Make friends with people who have children, and maybe other single parents, to have someone to talk to and relate with that are going through the same things you are.
Just remember that you're not alone, and as long as you WANT to do the best for you and your child and you try, you're going to be a good mom. | |
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Posted: 4/2/2008 4:58:34 PM | lilxcx,
I met my ex when i was your age...12 years later, and 8 years into our marriage he left...and left me as a single mom to raise 3 children. In a way your situation is good, you got to see this mans true colours early on, before you took the walk down the aisle, trust me, that is just more heartache..
I am 37, I hold down 2 jobs and have done my first semester at college to better myself..IT IS scary,its hard to find the strength sometimes.....In a year i have had to move home,get my kids in new schools, buy a car, and find enough work to provide for my family, it is exhausting and frustrating...but also the feeling of self accomplisment you reap is priceless !!!
My advice to you is.....be sad, we all need time to grieve loss...but dont wallow.....then pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with it. It wont be easy, you will have times when you feel like your not doing enough, that your just not good enough...but as long as you know in your heart of hearts that you are doing the best for you and your unborn baby you will be ok...
Oh yeah, and one final thought....stay positive, it sounds corny, but there is always someone worse off than you......when i feel down on myself and my own situation i think how lucky i am....that i have provided a life for me and my children, and i am proud of myself for doing that....
I wish you nothing but the best....... | |
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Posted: 4/2/2008 5:06:35 PM | First off, you did nothing to "make" him act the way he did. He made a choice, and it wasn't in your best interest.
The first thing you need to do, is sit down and make a plan. Where are you going to live? How will you support the baby? What sort of support system do you have (family, friends)?
Then start making specific goals...some of them can be achieved before the baby is born, some will have to wait until after. But just remember that this baby needs you. Trust me, when that little life is here in your arms, you will start thinking more clearly.
Good luck and my prayers are with you. | |
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Posted: 4/3/2008 8:40:33 AM | | Lil, give this child up for adoption. You have shown that you are WAY too immature and naive to raise a child. Not only do you not have the skills to PROPERLY raise a child but you'd be depriving him/her of a father. Don't be selfish and keep this child. Let it have a stable household-- both financially and emotionally. | |
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Posted: 4/3/2008 8:50:58 AM | A family doesn't have to exist with a father and mother in the same household, everyone in love and living happily ever after.
A mother does NOT have to give their child up just because the father is not in the picture, a single mother is fully capable of raising a child on their own, tons of women do it everyday. A child can just the same love and care and upbringing with a one parent house hold then a two parent house hold.
Becoming a mother is a life changing experience and lots of mothers go through depression and find it hard to adjust to, but they DO adjust.
Just because she is experiencing these feelings does not mean she's a bad mother and that she should give her child up for adoption. She's reaching out for help in one of the few places she knows how, and that's great, for both her and her future child.
Obviously you have no children, or you're one of the privledged ones to have children and are raising them in a perfect household. Not everyone is so lucky, and if you don't have children, you have no idea what you're talking about. | |
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Posted: 4/3/2008 8:59:16 AM |
Lil, give this child up for adoption. You have shown that you are WAY too immature and naive to raise a child. Not only do you not have the skills to PROPERLY raise a child but you'd be depriving him/her of a father. Don't be selfish and keep this child. Let it have a stable household-- both financially and emotionally.
I didn't just read that, did I? You state you have no children. She is a soon to be single parent coming to a, oh... forum for single parents, asking for advice, and that is what you spew? Oh my!
OP, it's a scary situation but most of us on this forum in particular have been in a situation such as yours and at the end of the day, we've all made it through...
Take some time to write down thoughts and goals and plans. Reach out for support. Deal with your own feelings. It's scary looking at an unknown future but as long as you don't just 'give up' you will be fine. Do what's best for you and your child and everything else will fall into place, even if it doesn't seem that way right now. | |
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