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 carmen_day
Joined: 3/17/2008
Msg: 1
Help- i think the rules have changed !Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hi Guys,

I am looking for advice really- I have been single 3 yrs and on here now. Guys give me their number and call me, chat for 20 mins or so and end saying we will meet for coffee.

I usually then send a text saying thanks for the call etc. If i dont hear anything i will text them in acouple of days with a hi hows you, did you have a good weekend blah blah text

The problem i have is that they then either dont text back for a couple of days, i then respond and wait another couple of days for a reply and then after a couple of weeks it just stops.

So i guess what i want to know is - is this the norm- am i breaking rules i am not aware of ??
Or do you guys just get a few girls to chat and then forget to ' gently let down ' the others if you meet a nice one.

Weird thing is they dont remove me from their faves either.
Kinds find this ignorant and not condusive to helping anyone in feeling good bout themselves and i feel bunny boilerish then mailing them on here to see how the land lies as they ignored the text.

So what 's your view and advice please poffy peeps !!
 laughinglibra
Joined: 11/6/2007
Msg: 2
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/1/2008 1:51:27 PM
Don't worry about what they are doing so much carmen.... if they're not responding the way they would if they were interested, then move on.

You've only been here a short time, so just keep fishing and don't worry about "rules".

 meteor 54
Joined: 2/10/2008
Msg: 3
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/1/2008 2:03:42 PM
Carmen,
Kinda like a cyber-stand up huh?
Not unusual, though it sure says a LOT
about them, more than any profile ever could.
Keep your line in the water! You sure have some
right -powerful bait lady!!

'Complaint exec'???
Is that like .......an assassin?
 Lucky_Vet
Joined: 3/27/2005
Msg: 4
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/1/2008 3:12:51 PM
Hi Carmen, men hate breaking it off and hurting women in general. Its in our nature to protect women.

There is something about you they don't find appealing, whether it be physical, personality, or other things. Welcome to the human race, rejection is a part of life.
 carmen_day
Joined: 3/17/2008
Msg: 5
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/1/2008 3:19:17 PM
I have been rejected enough to know that thanks - its not that that bothers me- its the lack of common courtesy - if u dont want a coffee then dont offer- seems fairly straight forward to me !
 stacj
Joined: 6/27/2007
Msg: 6
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/1/2008 5:13:27 PM
Why do you send a text message to thank a guy for calling?
 Sweet_Romance
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 7
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/1/2008 5:18:32 PM
Hi OP. I think if they dont do what they say they are going to do, they are not worth your time. Loose their number. They are not worth it. Shows to their true testament. I think straightforward is best also. If you feel it wouldn't work just say so. No hard feelings, put the cards on the table.
 xxfoxyredxx
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 8
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/1/2008 5:19:00 PM
It's not only here that things are strange lol

I was out a couple of weeks ago and this guy said nothing to me and gave me his phone number. Being single and a little intrigued I text him. We were textin for a while all was nice he said he'd call and that then nothing! This is from a guy who took the time to write his number down and I responded to. You'd think he'd be greatful that someone took time to contact him!

Another, guy I was seeing. We split after a couple of dates cos he seemed to have little time and I thought screw that. I still text him cos he had some crap goin on and then out blue he said we'll go ot tomorow night. So I said ok no messin about I like you so fine. Next day text, sorry cant gotta go work I'll text you. Over a week later nothing!

I don't think rules have changed at all and particulary when it comes to internet dating. So many people of the opposite sex on here to chat to that if we say one little thing that someone we're chattn to dont like they move on quick!

I think when someone has rang you your best to leave it. If they've made the call they wanted to speak to you and they then need to process the information. Leave it to them to text or call again. Dont go sayin thanks because there is nothin to thank! lol
 joro
Joined: 12/2/2007
Msg: 9
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/1/2008 5:57:58 PM
I never even think to check to text messages. The whole thing makes absolutely no sense. Talking makes sense. Writing emails or IM's makes sense. Texting does not. Why the hell do i want to frustrate myself pushing all those little keys over and over to spell out a message. Seems incrediblty inefficient.

Texting is the rule change. pick up the damn phone and make an actual call!
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 10
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/1/2008 8:10:16 PM
Today females and males can do the same things in social relationships. This means that she can call him just as easily as he calls her.

But there's a price to pay.

Women are finding that you have to put up with a lot of rejection. Well, welcome to the club. Men learn to deal with it. You can too.

So take the initiative. Take a chance. Call him.
 LM Sweety
Joined: 3/22/2008
Msg: 11
Help- i think the rules have changed ! Nope, don't think so
Posted: 4/1/2008 8:58:32 PM
No, the rules haven't changed. Technology has changed. Now you can leave voice messages, text messages, IM, email, and still they can all get ignored. You should trust your gut, you're bang on calling this behavior ignorant. They’re not worth your time or effort.

Having said that, I find both sexes guilty of arrogant & rude behavior. Maybe if people were honest with themselves & others about what they want & who they are, dating wouldn’t be such a game. I’ve read so many profiles from women fed up with rude guys who can’t read, and I have to deal with the fall out from their BS.

Can’t we all play nice?
 HeavenlyCutie
Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 12
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 4:38:44 AM

Why do you send a text message to thank a guy for calling?


Yes I agree with this, why do you send the text message? When a guy sees that he could think you are slightly desperate. It's as if you are asking him to make sure he calls you again. Leave it to him to make the next call, and maybe he will if you don't send the text. If he doesn't call, then so what? Move onto the next guy.
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 13
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 7:56:39 AM
Heav.Cut. says:

"If he doesn't call, then so what? Move onto the next guy. "

... and she is oh so right. I see so many nice women who assume that there is some one man who is "the one". Fact is, there's no such thing. The reality is that there are zillions of wonderful men out there for her to meet and if she would just forget about trying to mate up with some "Mister Right" and just enjoy them all she can be a lot happier.

That doesn't mean jumping into bed with them all. What happened to old fashioned friendship? Lovers and casual bed partners are a dime a dozen. Real friendship takes a lot more work and it's worth it and it lasts longer. Why don't more people build friendships and let the "dating and mating" thing take care of itself in due time?

When I lived in Europe for a while I noticed that when people go out it doesn't have to be limited to "one man one woman." Why don't Americans go out more with others without regard to whether the other person is male or female, and all that matters is that they enjoy each other's company? It works for Europeans.

Who says you should go out with only one person for the evening? Why not be open to groups of three or more? Coming home to America after years in Europe I decided that Americans make themselves miserable by being so hung up on one-on-one "dating" patterns of behavior instead of just enjoying people without preconceptions about what "should be."
 paulisdareason
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 14
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 9:16:17 AM
I agree that technology has changed how we go about things now but be it online or out in the real world a person who is showing you the signs of disinterest should be put on the back burner. Instead of fixating on one guy keep fishing, if your the one he wants to build something with then he'll show back up and if not well more fish in the sea. Now to play devils avocate for a moment i've noticed people online tend to take slights at somethings that might not be what they seem. Sometimes, work and life can cut into the time we are online, i once work three doubles in a row and on the third day found a relative had passed and left work and was straight out of town that evening when i returned checking my emails and being online was the last thing on my mind. so i think it was about 9 days all total id been away from online and a lady who i was getting pretty close to had left me several emails and instant messages. starting with how are you to where are you , to are you avoiding me, whats my problem and finally "your just another one of those ***holes who play with women" I could have contacted her again but i figred why i had a legit reason for not being online and with a reaction like that from not talking to me for a little over a week maybe i had gotten off easy. anyway my point is sometimes i leave my computer on and run to the store sometimes storms knock out my connection some times life just happens, people need calm down sometimes. although if he invites ya out for coffee and then never calls yes hes a prick and yes move on
 life_of_leisure
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 15
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 9:54:00 AM
> Lovers and casual bed partners are a dime a dozen.

I think I have about $1.50 in change in the sofa here... can you deliver by this weekend?
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 16
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:27:34 AM
Paul says:

"... so i think it was about 9 days all total id been away from online and a lady who i was getting pretty close to had left me several emails and instant messages. starting with how are you to where are you , to are you avoiding me, whats my problem and finally "your just another one of those ***holes who play with women" I could have contacted her again but i figred why i had a legit reason for not being online and with a reaction like that from not talking to me for a little over a week maybe i had gotten off easy. ..."

Picking myself up from rolling around on the floor laughing, my message to this dude is congratulations, sir, you escaped from a real problematical babe with serious issues. Hope you find a sane one next time.
 paulisdareason
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 17
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:50:37 AM
yes i think i did too
 paulisdareason
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 18
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:50:51 AM
yes i think i did too
 ShadowLands
Joined: 3/25/2008
Msg: 19
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/2/2008 1:02:27 PM
After checking your profile, Carmen, I found your problem. You're in England. Everyone knows those guys are jerks.

Seriously....don't get wound up with it. Keep on lookin'.
 lelee08
Joined: 8/20/2007
Msg: 20
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/3/2008 9:05:28 AM
Men love the chase!

It's that simple, they don't like feeling like they've "caught" you straight away. By doing something as simple as thanking them for calling you've moved yourself from being "chased" to being "caught". I know this sonuds rediculous but on a subconsious level it really is how it works, the basic rules are simple;

Don't ask for their number first or offer yours without being asked for it
Don't text or call first
Don't be the first to mention meeting up
Even after you've met stick to these rules for a while, you'll know when you can call or text at any time.

Your not giving up any power your just allowing him the chance of feeling the "chase"

Those that still dissappear just weren't that into you, so you can forget them and move on. xx
 fra59e
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 21
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/3/2008 9:51:04 AM
I can't believe I am reading this, in the year 2008, not in some Victorian era novel:

"Men love the chase!
It's that simple, they don't like feeling like they've "caught" you straight away. By doing something as simple as thanking them for calling you've moved yourself from being "chased" to being "caught". I know this sonuds rediculous but on a subconsious level it really is how it works, ... "
.
................................
.
Yes, she really posted that! This is incredible. Does'nt this poster know that Jane Austen has been dead for 200 years? That stuff about men being hunters and women as prey to be caught is soooooo yesterday!
.
A woman who perceives herself as a trophy to be caught had better be prepared for what happens to trophies - they are displayed with heads hanging on the wall and the hunter moves on to chase the next prize.
.
Personally I have enjoyed a lot of wonderful women and two satisfying marriages and have learned not to chase anyone at all. I was dumb enough once to think a male had to chase females but eventually figured out that women who submit to being chased are just not the kind of women I want in my life anyway.
.
Real women worth knowing do not let themselves be prey; they are PERSONS. They are not prizes - they are equal to me in rights and dignity and I will respect them as such, not try to capture them to use as eye candy or cheap housemaids.
.
I remember watching my wife reading "The Cinderella Complex" with tears in her eyes as she realized how pathetic it is that so many women are trapped in that fairytale world perceiving themselves as needing a rescuer. The syndrome is tragic because the reality is that the Cinderella story is a myth. There is no such thing as a Prince Charming. If people want to make their lives richer then the first thing to learn is that life is a do-it-yourself job.
.
This poster then gives her "rules" which are so awful it's hard to think she means it:
.
She says:
" ... the basic rules are simple;
Don't ask for their number first or offer yours without being asked for it
Don't text or call first
Don't be the first to mention meeting up
Even after you've met stick to these rules for a while, you'll know when you can call or text at any time. ..."
.
Good heavens, is she serious? That is so old-fashioned!
.
I love meeting women who know exactly what they want and go get it. There are plenty of them out there and those are the only ones I would care to meet. First of all I can RESPECT them. In fact, I married one - a woman who proposed marriage to me, and although we are no longer married I still like and RESPECT her. I am only attracted to women who are secure enough and confident enough that they are capable of having desires - not needs, DESIRES - and acting on them.
.
If any woman is too scared to call or message me to say what she wants then *yawn* she is too timid and boring to be worth my calling or messaging her. I prefer to be with people who decide what they want and GO for it.
.
Finally she says:
.
"Your not giving up any power your just allowing him the chance of feeling the "chase" ... "
.
Well, thanks a lot, sister, when I need your help to feel anything I will let you know. You are not responsible for what I feel; I am responsible.
.
 Naples Rose
Joined: 3/1/2008
Msg: 22
Help- i think the rules have changed ! Nope, don't think so
Posted: 4/3/2008 11:40:55 AM
I agree with LM Sweety. I think that there is a certain lack of honesty with both sexes. But with that said, we can't change other people. I personally believe that that my only obligation is to be honest with the other person and of course myself. If I see some sort of behavior that is questionable (of course giving them the benefit of the doubt first LOL) I just wish them luck in their search and I am on my way. Beyond that I don't need to put up with it. I feel that it is best to always think good thoughts no matter how aggrevating things get. Not all hope is lost girls, there are very nice men out there that are above playing games.
 strangerstill
Joined: 12/20/2004
Msg: 23
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/3/2008 1:55:41 PM
All I can do is tell you how I feel about the whole internet dating thing.

I encounter a lot of really great women here but have a lot of trouble trying to juggle them. In fact I don't want to juggle them so I concentrate on one woman that I like a lot while remaining on friendly terms with others. I'm honest that I talk to others and make no promises to meet anyone without a real intent to do so.

I recently made a commitment to meet with a woman from this site and sure enough, someone I liked at least as much began talking to me. I think I did the right thing by explaining to woman number two that I really like her but was committed to meeting woman number one but wanted to be friends.

I'm glad I met woman number one because it gave us a chance to realize that there were some serious obstacles in the way of a potential relationship between us. Before retuning home, woman number one looked at the profile of woman number two and encouraged me to pursue her and I'm really glad I did.

In the end I really like woman number one and I think we're going to be friends for a very long time despite some pretty wide physical and ideological differences between us. The longer I talk to woman number two, the more I realize I like her and can see the potential for something really great there.
 bike mad
Joined: 3/21/2006
Msg: 24
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Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/3/2008 2:33:24 PM
What fra59e said.
 Aurora772
Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 25
Help- i think the rules have changed !
Posted: 4/3/2008 3:02:38 PM

Guys give me their number and call me, chat for 20 mins or so and end saying we will meet for coffee.


OP, I'm trying hard to sympathize here, I really am, but you do realize that the situation you just described Virtually Never happens for us guys, right? I understand it does suck to be surrounded by flaky suitors, but it beats the pants off having nothing at all.
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