| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 4:53:03 PM | Hey folks. I'm a pretty opinionated and strange person. Most of you who have read my posts know this. Here's my situation:
I have a boyfriend, I actually met him off this site. He's a very busy guy. He works as production manager for a theatre and does a lot of side projects. I'm a very busy girl. I work, go to school, and have enough hobbies and involvement in the community for two or three people. That being said, we don't get to see each other a whole lot.
However, he likes to make dates, call that night and cancel. This happens about seventy-five percent of the time. Or he'll show up three or four hours late. Usually when he comes over, we have sex (which is great sex) and then go to sleep. He doesn't get much sleep, so when he's here, he sleeps in late. Usually when he wakes up, he answers calls (of which there are many) and then takes off saying sorry he has to go.
When we first got together we went out more often. To see plays or to go to dinner. Lately I hardly see him. On top of that, what we end up doing now is sex and sleep. He's very unreliable. Even to 'pick me up' from work, he shows up almost an hour late so I'm left standing outside. I don't believe him when he says he'll call (because he 'forgets'), I also don't believe him when he says he's coming over or that we'll see each other. As I said, he cancels a lot.
I'm feeling a little used and being taken for granted. I have not approached him about any of this. I have trust issues. I don't trust anyone to be there for me and I deal with all my problems on my own. He says he wants me to trust him to be there for me, yet, I can't even rely on him to be here when he says he will, let alone if I'm in a crisis. He tells me to say when him being so busy is 'too much', but I'm pretty sure even if I said something nothing would change.
Advice? Opinions? Thoughts? Feel free to slam away. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 4:59:40 PM | Well, it does definitely sound like you're being used.
Seems like he's getting what he wants out of the relationship... and not bothering to put his own effort into making it work.
What troubles me is... I know that you're smarter than that.
Why would you let him take advantage of you like that?
You're an incredible woman... who deserves a great deal of respect, devotion, and love. And you definitely don't seem to be getting it from him.
Why do YOU think you're still with him? | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 5:00:58 PM | So what exactally is the problem? You both get sex and you say you like it or are you just upset that he is not *paying* enough for it?
In paying I am not makeing a direct reference to cash, but all the other ways some women make men pay for thier Play?
Sure he sold you the "whole" deal but now it has evolved into a booty call, probably little chance you can get it back over to the full meal deal, sad but true, So enjoy the booty when he calls and start looking for the "real deal" | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 5:02:19 PM | | The problem is he wanted a relationship. Something actually committed. I was all for casual. But relationships aren't about the sex. Partially, but that's not all it's about. If you want to know me and be my boyfriend, then don't -just- have sex with me then run off and be unreliable about everything. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 5:05:19 PM |
I have trust issues.
Why are you looking for a woman to join you and your boyfriend in the bedroom ??
That kind of lifestyle is not for couples like you and your boyfriend.
Has he ever phoned to let you know he will be late ? If not, then he is inconsiderate and selfish. There is nothing wrong with working hard or being busy, but let the other person know so they can plan to do other things.
If you ever get serious with him, it will only get worse. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 5:08:06 PM | Doesn't sound like love to me. Sounds more like a fear of being alone.
It's clear you're being used. Which is just wrong. Not only because you should never be treated like that... but also because you should never LET yourself be treated like that. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 5:09:34 PM | You are describing a man who does not understand the emotional and relational needs of a woman.
If it were me, I'd bail. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 5:11:23 PM |
Why are you looking for a woman to join you and your boyfriend in the bedroom ??
I don't have trust issues in the sense of "oh, my god, will he cheat on me?" because I don't care if he does. Never have. Sex is just sex. And the twosome thing? Not just for him. I love women.
My trust issues are more that I don't believe anyone will be there for me if I need them. So I don't trust people with my problems or issues. I just suck it up and deal with it. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 5:38:46 PM | | drop this guys dear obviously you wont be happy with him just take the sex and forget about the rest. yuo said the sex is good , so that sould be enough to continue to see each other but if you feel like left aside, i dont know how long you guys are together,i just gonna be wors with time | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 5:42:16 PM | Well this sounds awful. You can't trust him to do anything he says. As for him expecting you to trust him, he's got to be kidding. Strangely enough, I've had a man emphasize that he wanted me to trust him to 'be there for me', but that person really let me down in a way that no other has. Dishonest people seem to make a point of stressing the things they ultimately won't actually do. All in all, it sounds a classic case of him saying one thing and doing another.
Some people are always going to be 'too busy' for others because they don't like true commitment and so spread their time around. If he genuinely wanted a relationship, he'd always find time and he'd be reliable. You really do deserve better.
I suspect if you tell him you've had enough and want to end it, he'll start apologizing and make a token effort to put it right (which will fail because he's not really motivated enough). Somewhere out there is a man who will be there for you, will love you and will find time for you. Do you really need this one to be dragging your confidence down? You are worth so much more. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 6:05:31 PM | Hang on, I gotta check something out....okay, I'm back....yeah, I thought this was "ask a guy"....anywaaaaaays.
OP, before I got to this paragraph, this is exactly what my summation was going to be: "I'm feeling a little used and being taken for granted."
"I have trust issues. I don't trust anyone to be there for me and I deal with all my problems on my own."
Well, he is certainly validating your trust issues, isn't he? Is it possible that because he is giving you validation....if even in a negative fashion....that you accept his behavior?
I find it encouraging that you "deal with all (your) problems on (your) own" and yet have recognized enough of this behavior to be over-the-top to the point where you are now asking others for opinions/advice (help). Weed out the comments that are irrelevant....they don't matter anyways....try to find that which supports what you know in your mind already. The heart will catch up eventually. 
~ds~ | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 6:13:33 PM | It sounds like he has become physically somewhat but majorly emotionally unable to meet your needs at this time IMHO. I'd say he's using you but perhaps it's time to have that *talk* with him and explain that you notice these things and see where it goes from there but based on your own original post you seem like a very intelligent girl...........
Run......... He's being one of those EU (emotionally unavailable) type of guy right now IMHO. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 6:17:58 PM | If you are NOT happy with something, it's up to you to change it. If you want your boyfriend to change his current behavior, you need to address the issues with him-no one is a mind reader.
You're the only one who can determine what you are willing to deal with, and what will make you happy. You say you love him-but are you sure he feels the same way? | |
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wrecks
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Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 16 | |
| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 6:32:47 PM | It sounds to me like he is just a very busy guy. When he first met you he would make time for you and work towards impressing you. now that he has you he is concentrationg more on his work and thinks it's no big deal to put you off sometimes.
For a while you were prioroty 1 now you are prioroty 2.
You should cut him some slack for being so busy but you should also demand respect. Leaving you waiting to be picked up at work for instance. You should tell him to pick you up at work and then leave on him. Stop waiting for him. You are teaching him what he can get away with.
You need to lay it on the line. Either he cares what he does to you or he doesn't. Time to find out for sure. If he says he will be there he should be there, if he cant make it the out of normal respect he should at least let you know. Don't let him use you, even if he doesn't mean it. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 6:43:31 PM | This guy thinks the world "centers around him". This is evident because he is chronically late, among other things. Too bad the sex is great huh? | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 6:50:41 PM | He is very busy. I will grant him that. He's a one-man show for ambition, but to be honest, he almost has too much of it, if it's at all possible. I'm a very laid back person. I let a lot of things slide because I don't really care. But it's just been getting to me.
We've only been a couple three months. I can easily say I've never been a number one priority to him. And I'm okay with that. It's when he's lacking enough respect to treat me as a person, not just an object that I begin to get irate. Flakes aren't fun. And it's getting tiring. Thanks everyone for you're advice. He's -supposed- to be coming here around 10 tonight. Said he'd call before he left. Lives in Mississauga. I live downtown Toronto. It's 9:46. Hasn't called. Surprise, surprise. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 6:54:19 PM |
He tells me to say when him being so busy is 'too much', but I'm pretty sure even if I said something nothing would change. Listen carefully, OP. Hear that faint funereal church bell in the distance, ringing across the misty moors? It's sounding the death-knell of your relationship. With your words, you have admitted as much. You're unhappy and you know that nothing will change. You're right -- you are being used. Tell him to go. You deserve better. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 7:23:51 PM | | He claims to want a commitment. He wants a relationship, blah blah blah. I am very busy. But when asks if I want to get together on a date, I'll make sure I have nothing that night (which is hard to do) and then eh calls well after the time he's supposed to arrive and says "I'm not coming." He does this very often. It leaves me with a few days rush afterwards to try to get everything done I should've gotten done, then he calls again, says how about this date? And the process repeats. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 7:24:17 PM | "I'm feeling a little used and being taken for granted."
Those feelings sound pretty accurate to me, don't second guess them. | |
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| A little advice on what to do?
Posted: 4/2/2008 7:36:06 PM | OP msg #21: "I'm not coming." He does this very often. It leaves me with a few days rush afterwards to try to get everything done I should've gotten done, then he calls again, says how about this date? And the process repeats."
Cheshire, he does it because he is allowed to do it without any repercussions. In one breath, you say "it don't bother me" and in the next, you express your frustration cuz the cycle repeats. Ask yourself why the cycle is repeating!? If it annoys you, tell him it annoys you. If he makes adjustments, great....the cycle stops. If he doesn't, he don't give a rat's butt about you (other than the great sex)....you will eventually tire of putting out for someone who doesn't give a rat's butt about you and end it....again, the cycle stops....ball is in your court, Sweetheart. Your serve.
~ds~ | |
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