| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 5:48:27 PM | | I love my partner of 19 years but I am not in love with him. We no longer have sex or even kiss/ cuddle but we have 3 girls who are teenagers and love their dad. I am financially dependent on him. I really like him and we have a laugh. I like him and we laugh together. I have never had another man but am close to it now. Help/ adviced/ suggestions needed and gratefully accepted xx | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 5:56:19 PM | | You're in a tough spot. But you do love him and you have three children. Can you talk to him and tell him how you feel? There is such a lack of communication sometimes and that causes most of the problems. Maybe he has no clue what you're feeling. You don't sound unhappy, but you're missing things that you want from him. Are you willing to throw it all away? Would you be able to look him in the eyes and still laugh with him? Could you look your girls in their eyes knowing what you have done -- if you did. Do you have somebody in mind? What if you fall for him? I really think cheating is never, ever the answer. If you are really uphappy, if there's somebody else you'd like to be with, you need to leave your husband first. Only you can answer all of these questions. But sounds like you have an awful lot to lose. Cheating will destroy your family -- and maybe you too. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:05:52 PM | Look... the fact that you're even here means your marriage is in pretty major trouble. Be the bigger person and decide whether the marriage is worth saving or not. Cheating is not the answer and will only make things worse. Either get out or stay in. Cheating is the coward's way out.
Edited to add that even if you're not married, any relationship deserves the same respect, especially if it's been twenty years. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:08:13 PM | Mark these words very seriously: The majority of people who get over this exact hurdle 20 year in find themselves happier than ever in their 25th year together.
This is a serious issue that must be confronted. Do everything in your power to convince him you're leaving (leave before you cheat ok?) and get all the shit on the table with councillors, spiritual advisers, whoever can heal you both.
Don't **** this one up. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:08:40 PM | To me a relationship needs continual work to stop it from going stale, and that sounds like what is happening here. as stated before it sounds like you both just need to remember what got you together in the first place and do something about it, communication is the key, tell him how you feel - like you are stuck in a rut - get the kids looked after for a weekend and get away together even if its somewhere local.
DO THIS OFTEN, start playing practical jokes on him, kick him out of his apathy. get the kids babysat and prepare a "Special Meal" for him,, go out somewhere and make love outdoors etc just spice it up a bit. But whatever you do do not cheat - if you feel that the relationship is over then end it - but don't cheat, for your own and everyone elses sake.
Now that the kids are all teenagers and capable of looking after themselves for a night, start relaking from being MUM and start having a bit of fun between the both of you, just because we grow older doesn't mean we have to forget what it was like to have some fun.
Good luck. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:10:16 PM | No No NO...................Dont cheat...by doign so you will onlyc ause heartache to all involved, including your kids. I woudl have a long serious talk with himand tell him you are not happy with the way the marriage has turned out. Ask him if he will go to marriage counseling with you. And while you are going get a job. I'm not telling you to do this simply to gain some sort of financial independence but to jump start your life while you do the same with your marriage.
If counseling doesnt work and you have to leave you can tell yourself you tried your utmost and will still ,hopefully remain friends for the sake of the children.
While you are in counseling......date............date your husband...........go back to the time when you did not only love him but were IN love. AND GET OFF THIS SITE. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:12:10 PM | How would you feel if he cheated on you at any point in time?
See, it's just WRONG.
Cheating on a spouse or S/O is wrong and anyone who would encourage you to cheat is no better than the person who cheats.
If you don't want to be with your partner anymore, then find a way not to be financially dependent on him and leave him, then have whatever other relationships you want. But while you are with him, you owe him the respect and loyalty that goes with a relationship.
Cheating is WRONG for every reason and on every single level. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:12:57 PM | | Hello panda40 i am in exactly the same situation as you. I joined this site and met a man who seemed really nice. Everything he said in his profile turned out to be a lie. He says he is looking for someone to share life with and be friends with. But in fact he is only posted here by his work for a short time. He told me how pretty I was and convinced me to do things I never would have done normally. He told me what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted. As soon as he got what he wanted he didn't answer my emails anymore and now he is messaging people on plenty of fish again. I want to make it clear that I'm not blaming plenty of fish - I guess because I had been sheltered in a long term relationship like you I expected everyone to be genuine. I feel so hurt and taken advantage of. I think even though I'm not in love with my partner anymore at least I know where I stand with him. I thought it would be fun but I just feel cheap now. Be careful! | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:15:10 PM |
I have never had another man but am close to it now. Help/ adviced/ suggestions needed and gratefully accepted xx
Don't fight it. Go and do the guy you're thinking of doing. Why be different? Why bother trying to find a way to make it work between you and your partner? Just do what you want.
It's all about you. I'd suggest starting with a professional, though. Hire a guy to do you. It's only a couple hundred bucks. Let him bang you hard. You'll be way better off for it. Or, pick some guy from here and let him bang you for a while. There'll always be another guy as well.
Have fun. You'll get at least half of whatever you and your current husband owns anyway, which, after 20 years is probably pretty good. Go to some other country and bang a few guys there too.
It's all good.
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:15:22 PM | | I have never cheated and don't want to but I've tried everything....including talking/ therapy. Keep trying or leave and break everyone's heart? | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:22:44 PM | Cheating isn't the answer believe me. I don't know what else to say except the usual platitudes that comes to mind when asked this question, so I won't say much.
All I know for sure is that cheating won't solve anything except give you a momentary fix for your problems. Except that now you'll have the guilt to contend with in addition to those problems.
And I can almost guarantee that you won't like the person that looks back at you when you look in the mirror.
And if I may be so bold as to suggest that you're very vulnerable at the moment...your relationship is without affection or intimacy, which puts at a very high risk of making a bad decision based on emotions that could affect the rest of your life
and the lives of your children and your partner forever.
I know how you feel and I do empathize with you... however I must tell you that I'd give anything to be able to turn back
the clock and be in your shoes right now...sigh. Don't do it. Either stay with him all the way....or go.
JMHO
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:26:29 PM | OP msg #13: "I have never cheated and don't want to but I've tried everything....including talking/ therapy. Keep trying or leave and break everyone's heart?"
If you keep trying, you will retain your self respect. If you leave and break everyone's heart, you will retain your self respect. If you cheat, you will BREAK EVERYONE'S HEART AND LOSE THEIR RESPECT AS WELL AS YOUR OWN.
DO-------NOT-------CHEAT!!!!
~ds~ | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:26:51 PM | | Are you joking? If you are unhappy leave, and if you won't leave then you have no one to blame for your unhappiness but your self. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:29:38 PM | Leave and break everyone's heart........it will break them more when they find out you needed to go find sex elsewhere.
I feel you stay because of financial reasons..if that is it..tell your hubby..maybe he will finance a male escort, maybe he could get a fb too! | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:30:39 PM | | What are you friends or lovers? Ask yourself if you were falling off the cliff would your partner rescue you? If you were dying and taking your last breath...would your partner trade places with you so he wouldn't see you suffer. If you don't know the answers to these questions then ask him. And If your partner answers yes to the above questions then why do you need sex to fill your heart with love. Sex is Lust...it only last for a few minutes, but regrets last forever...Is it really worth it? | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:32:58 PM | Thankyou................its so good to hear what people actually think and not have platitudes posted.
I will try to sort things out and if not leave. No cheating. I always knew it wasn't what I wanted but I was tempted.......just needed some perspective from stangers.
Thanks...and god bless xxxx | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:35:20 PM |
Are you joking? If you are unhappy leave, and if you won't leave then you have no one to blame for your unhappiness but your self.
Either you have a case of misery loves company, or you're destined to go through life jumping from relationship to relationship. 20 years is alot of history missy, hard work and willingness can take 2 people who've drifted apart and make them rock solid.
They'll both lead better more productive lives if they play their cards right. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:41:04 PM | Do not cheat on your SO, no matter how much you bath and shower there is no way to clean your mind of cheating.
It sounds as though you will stay with your hubby simply for friendship and financial support.
If you feel strongly about not working on your marriage, divorce him and have your fling. D amn I despise people who stay in a nowhere relationship only because of financial reasons. Have the BALLZ to support yourself and be independent, you'll then be able to have a clear conscious and not destroy another human being.
For your information, only about 2% of married people who cheat will end up marrying the person they cheat with. CHeck out this site.
Womensinfidelity.com
BTW.... Why are you on a dating site asking this question?
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:45:54 PM | panda10
You will be ok...God sent you here to find the answers to your menacing thoughts. Just pray!! Remember you hold the light your family. Your partner provides, but you are the nuturer of your family and since you do have daughters you have to lead by example because this destructive behavior can do a lot of damage in their future relationships. Show them that life isn't perfect and relationships don't always end like the fairytales. Remember all the fairytales end at the wedding....they don't talk about 19 years down the line..God Bless and take care of your family. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:47:59 PM | Panda, listen to mandy! Her experience is very common.
You have a good man, so he's not perfect and things aren't perfect with you. You have what so many of us wish we could find, someone to love and to laugh with every day.
The grass won't be any greener, Panda. | |
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| do I cheat after almost 20 years?
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:57:50 PM | Cheating ?
I have never cheated and don't want to
but I've tried everything....including talking/ therapy.
Keep trying or leave and break everyone's heart?
Define cheating. Does this mean you will continue to live in the home with your husband, and kids, and go out for sexual pleasure? Or, will the sexual pleasure come over to your house ?
If one of your kids isn't feeling well, and you have a sexual arrangement, will you take him/her with you instead of cancelling ?
And, when someone takes your picture because they recognize you, will you feel safe ?
Cheating has a lot of negative possibilities.
If sex is the solution to all your problems, good luck with that.
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