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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:11:59 PM | | Ok so this is my story, I'm a single mom of 2 kids, im 25 years old, I met a man, feel in love (hes 41), after only 6 weeks into our relationship he cheated on me 7 times with my best friend and tried to get her pregnant, i found out caught them, he got mad and hit me. He got deported from the country. He moved to Maine (im in NS) and started living out there, while out there he cheated on me with a mentally challenged woman, moved in with her and was telling me nothing was going on (I had taken him back like a dummy) So to make a long story short, hes been cheating on me (still is) im now 7 months pregnant with his first child, i want to leave him and im trying to but i dont know how to let go (hes very manipulative), I just found out he slept with a 17 year old girl. I technically have left him, but i dont know what to do to get over him, and not let him manipulate me (theres ALOT more to the story) I found out he was an alcoholic, a drug addict and an abuser (after i had already fell for him), My first and main priority are my kids and my unborn daughter, but how do you get over someone your in love with whos hurt you so bad? Any advice? | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:21:56 PM | Sweetie...right now...this very moment...print out your original post and HANG IT SOMEWHERE that you will see it constantly...the bathroom mirror, the fridge, the interior front door...
And whenever you start feeling doubtful about your CHOICE (and you DO have one!) to NOT be with this...jerk...then READ WHAT YOU WROTE!
Try and remember the PAIN, because right now, your hormones, emotions, and carrying this man's child are what have control over you.
Anyone with the "attributes" of what you described...the addictions, abuse, cheating, lying, manipulating, and **ugh** taking advantage of a mentally challenged person...does NOT NEED TO BE AROUND ANY OF YOUR CHILDREN, even his own.
If you cannot do it for yourself, do it for your child(ren)!
Good Luck! | |
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oshan
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Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 3 | |
| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:22:53 PM | | Get some counseling, read books on the subject of abuse, learn as much as you can about the cycle of violence and abuse and how it works to keep you hooked in, focus on loving yourself and building your own self-esteem, find a support group for women in your situation. Learn about what love is, and why you love someone who hurts you...good counselling will help you to understand yourself and why you do what you do...this is crucial. GET HELP!! ..and good luck. I wish you courage and strength and lots of love for your jouney....namaste.... | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:24:05 PM | Ask yourself
1. What is this teaching my children?
2. Is this all you feel you deserve?
3. Has he been tested for "stuff"
4. Should I be tested for "stuff"
You already know the answers. Now think about the kids. You had your time to have fun and do whatever. Once you have children. Their well being and safety comes before your personal love life. | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:46:40 PM | They never show their dark side until after you've been with them for a while. The best advice I could give you besides some of what you have already seen here, (get counseling, read books like Women Who Love Too Much, and think of your children and the examples all the people in your life are setting for them) is to stay busy. I don't know what your interests are, but get involved in something that will help keep your mind off "him". If you already go to church, involve them in your support group, if not this may be a good time to find one. I can't imagine what I would do without my church family. Add to that group anyone you see regularly, including grocery store clerks. We connect with so many people, and believe it or not, these people really care about us! (Important note: my daughter who was only 14 at the time, got involved with a young man that was much worse than my husband had been! No amount of talking to her helped, she would not admit that he was hurting her. This after all those years of watching me get belittled and batted around.)
I know whereof I speak. I have yet to be in a live-in relationship that didn't involve an abuser in one way or the other. I was married to one for 10 1/2 years. I stayed because of those vows, for better or WORSE and till DEATH do us part. The only way I got out was for him to decide he wanted a divorce. Truthfully, I had wanted out for a long time and couldn't wait to sign the papers. However, it was still hard. Being alone sucks at first. I was very heavy at the time and thought I'd never find anyone.
They are very manipulative, so you just have to be strong and not speak to him whether it is in person, email or on the phone. DO NOT give him an ability to manipulate you again.
Hang in there! Life will get better. | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:53:08 PM | | you need to boost your own self esteem... scum like this is not worthy of you!!!!as for your unborn daughter... i think i would terminate.. and no give your x the satisfaction of procreation!!! his seed should end now with him!! | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:57:15 PM | | Thank you, I just find it hard thats all, its like i KNOW whats in my best interest, i KNOW what i need to do, but how. How do you tell someone you love no. I havent spoken to him since i found out about this 17 year old girl (less then 24 hours ago) and I dont plan on speaking to him either. Someone told me that every day that goes by it gets a little easier. I have NEVER had my heart broken like this EVER, I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Meanwhile im doing the selfish thing and wishing his life would be ruined like he did mine. Tomorrow after his pill snorting, orgies and booze wear off he'll call with the same old song and dance, They lied to get you away from me, their just saying that because you didnt send me money, blah blah blah. I want to pick up the phone and curse him out so bad but I know thats just giving into him getting attention from me. They say you dont know what you got till its gone, so mabye hell realize what he HAD. | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:58:33 PM | you need to boost your own self esteem... scum like this is not worthy of you!!!!as for your unborn daughter... i think i would terminate.. and no give your x the satisfaction of procreation!!! his seed should end now with him!!
Im sorry but ummm getting rid of my innocent daughter is NOT an option and im disgusted to think that someone would even THINK that way!!!! My precious daughter did NOTHING wrong!!!! | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:09:05 PM |
you need to boost your own self esteem... scum like this is not worthy of you!!!!as for your unborn daughter... i think i would terminate.. and no give your x the satisfaction of procreation!!! his seed should end now with him!!
Wow...that's perhaps the shlttiest piece of advice I have seen posted in a LONG time!!
So, just to be vengeful and nasty, she should abort her child?!? WTF? Kinda' goes along with the people who use abortion as a method of birth control...sheesh! | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:29:57 PM | | Hey there, first of all, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I know how hard it is to think you've found "the one", only to have that dream destroyed. I was married to my "one" for 8 years before he decided to take off with a newly turned 18 year old girl. I have to say what I'm thinking, and it's gonna sound harsh, but is has to be said. This guy was wanting to hook up with a younger girl and have some fun. That's it. End of story. I have no choice but to believe this after everything you said about him. The good news is that you're very young, attractive, and have a long life ahead of you. Plenty of time to forget about his loser and meet someone who will treat you and your children right. Btw, I love the post about printing out your original post and putting it up on your refrigerator. GREAT IDEA, seriously! Best of luck to you, and I'll offer a piece of advice. Take it slow, and make sure you really know someone before getting so emotionally invested. Believe me, I understand that in those 6 weeks you really felt that you loved him, but in my experiences, it's impossible to really know someone after only 6 weeks. Best of luck to you. I really hope you find everything you're looking for! | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:52:06 PM | | remember what makes you happy. trace your footsteps back to when you where happiest find your inner child remember the playfulness that never dies. follow it. forget the rest. the best thing you can do is show your kids the part of you that makes you you. | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 8:02:13 PM | The urge to curse that loser out may be strong and you might think it will relieve some of your hurt, but it won't. It would be hard on your children and only increase your turmoil. You also don't want to inflict that emotional wreckage on your unborn daughter.
Want to cause him pain? Cut him out of your life. Hang up on him without speaking. Return any mail with "Return to Sender" on the envelope. No explanation necessary. Deny his existence. Give him nothing. Not attention, time or energy. That will cause him more concern and he'll try harder. Don't let him in. It will drive him insane and save your sanity.
He is scum. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. Write him off for your sake and the sake of your children. Better alone than with him. Give it time. You will find your happiness. | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/4/2008 9:21:01 PM | You have a bad addiction, and it is to this guy...
Sure you will be talking to him... Give yourself a few more hours and you will miss him, and forget all about the cheating the lying, and everything else that has you upset.
as for NOT knowing what he had???? Sweet heart, he's had a total doormat, with all the cheating and beating, do you think he really MISSES you when he's out messing around?
Ohhhh he has NO PROBLEMS SAYING ONE THING, but at this point it should be really obvious it is ONLY WORDS...
When you decide you have respect for yourself, and kick your addiction...Then it will be better...
However at the moment just from your message, you stated "his first child"... How can you REALLY be so sure this is his first child?
Men very often don't have the connection you seem to believe you are having because you are pregnant with HIS child.
You have to look in the mirror and ask YOURSELF, is this the kind of life I want for MY KIDS, and myself? Is this what I deserve?
Then get into an AA group... Just because you aren't drinking or doing actual dope, you STILL have an addiction to someone who knows you will stick around and put up with his crap... | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/5/2008 4:05:23 AM | i want to leave him and im trying to but i dont know how to let go (hes very manipulative)
Letting go starts with choosing to let go. Choosing to let go starts with defining your worth as a human being and clearly defining for you what behaviors are simply not acceptable or even negotiable in a relationship, no matter what your emotions tell you. On the manipulative aspect of this man, the first time he acted out should have been the last time. But that it wasn't does NOT make you a dummy, it makes you human and vulnerable. It DOES indicate that you walked into the relationship with wounds already that had nothing to do with him in the big picture, but certainly made it easy for him to play these games in the smaller picture. When you continued your association with this man after the first time, particularly with the physical violence aspect, in effect you empowered him to continue, accepted his behavior as OK with you and further in effect gave him permission to continue. Not a judgment of you at all, even though it may appear to be.
I don't know what resources you have available in NS, but at a minimum please seek professional counseling. If NS has community resources for domestic abuse, tap into them as far as any free support groups that might be available.
That you are now pregnant with his first child complicates things, but for now, don't focus on that part. Time enough for that when the child is born. Your first priority is to work on you so that you CAN be the best mom as your next priority for your children. Part of being a good mom is making good choices on who you associate with in the first place, so that you can in turn teach them how to make good choices for themselves in relationship partners down the road. You're young yet and that works to your advantage. Make the choice to stop focusing on him and what he's doing - even if you have to write it down and post it on a mirror.
Lastly, please oh please do not start another relationship or even date unless you are emotionally strong enough to be able to listen to your internal radar and act on what it tells you.
I have no doubt that there is a lot more that you haven't shared and I truly feel for you in this situation. You can and will get past this - if you so choose to.
EDIT: nexthyme gave good advice also. Al-Anon would be the group for the non-drinking partner. If there's none local in NS to you, there are online support groups that will suffice in the absence of a local support group. Same 12-steps actually as AA for the alcoholic.
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:04:57 PM | | It seems like nothing is helping, I try to not pick up the phone, or to wonder who hes with or what hes doing, but nothing seems to work. | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:29:21 PM | "Try" is not an action. It's like being stuck between the rock and the hard place. That "what if" this time, it's different vs knowing in your gut it's not going to be because you keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting a different result.
"Nothing" is going to help you. You have to help you. If you enjoy being stuck between the rock and the hard place, then stay there. If you don't like it there, then choose to get unstuck and take actions to get unstuck. One example, phone calls. Ignore them. Or invest in earplugs. Don't listen to voice mails he may leave - just delete them. Unplug the phone. All manner of options available to you on that issue alone. Pick one...or don't!
It doesn't matter who he's with or what he's doing - that's not your choice but his choice.
All the wishful thinking in the world is not going to change a thing. It is what it is. | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:41:13 PM | You are a mother to two and are carrying another, you don't have the luxury of feeling sorry for yourself or loving a man that is poison for you and your kids. He has hit you once, he will do it again, he will obviously cheat on you every chance he gets. Suck it up, and take care of your kids. Try also having a little respect and love for yourself. You would not want a friend or loved one to stay with this man but it is good enough for you and your kids?
OP, I am not trying to be mean but this man is a piece of shit and you are making excuses by indicating that it is hard not to pick up the phone. That is the case for anybody that has been dumped or has gotten out of a bad relationship. Guess what, you just don't pick up the phone and remember that if you don't think you deserve better your kids do and you owe them better than you are presently giving them. Every time you pick up the phone say I am hurting my kids, I am hurting my kids, I am hurting my kids and put it down, period. | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/6/2008 2:04:19 PM | | where did you meet this low life piece of nothing, you need to get some self respect and move on, this nothing will never change, and how do you think this is going to affect the kids, please dont go near him again, im suprised a baby is the only thing hes given you, sorry to be so brutal, it isnt love your feeling its a need to be with someone, and he wouldnt no love if it come up and bit him on his ass. look after your self and your kids, they are all you need, your mr right will be out there, someone who will love you and take care of you. hope its goes ok....... x | |
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| YOU KNOW HOW , YOU JUST HAVE TO LISTEN
Posted: 4/6/2008 3:45:29 PM | | First, I think the second time you sleep with someone else its not cheating any more, its using. I say in my subject tittle "you know how" because if you say your worried about your children, I believe you. Now stop telling other people your concerns , they cant help. TELL YOURSELF THE DANGER AND ABUSE THAT PROBABLY WILL BE INFLICTED ONTO YOUR CHILDREN! It will hurt you to end this obvious, life long pain and abusive relationship, but would you rather wait for some excuse to use when he destroys or injures one of your children. The only one protecting all these helpless kids in the world , are there parents and family's . When they turn there heads, or put themselves first, for any reason at all, and something bad happens, they will always now it was there fault, no matter how hard they try not to. Even parents that loose there child when they get older and more independent try to see if they could have helped or stopped it.YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO PROTECT THE ONES IN YOUR LIFE ,YOU WOULD GIVE ANYTHING FOR. I think knowing you chose to go threw so much pain for your kids safety and future, you will heal faster than you think. I wish you and your children the best in life, and know you are better than him, and the way he made you feel about yourself. | |
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| YOU KNOW HOW , YOU JUST HAVE TO LISTEN
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:22:32 PM | | I NEVER said I was going back to this man, nor did I state that i wanted to be back with him, I did leave him because I wanted to, all i wanted was some advice on how to get over him. I never said I have pity for myself nor do I want pity, I just wanted some helpful advice and that's it, possibly from someone whom has been in my situation before. | |
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| YOU KNOW HOW , YOU JUST HAVE TO LISTEN
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:45:37 PM | Start by reporting him to the police for statutory rape. Then as far as getting over him. You first need to find closure, start by asking the nice women here, how they got closure from relationships where they were in LOVE.
Then try some of the suggestions that you think fits best for you.
After that. Get busy and stay busy. Do more with your kids, more activities, look at your interests and find out how you can do more of those things that interest you.
Don't give yourself free time to sit and ponder. This is going to take time. Healing takes time. There is no quick fix. But you need closure to start the healing process.
I am really sorry that you found one of the worst. But I am SO glad that you didn't even ponder for a second what that poster said about killing your child out of spite. Thats the most digusting thing i've seen on the forums yet.
Take care and good Luck. Remember that this too..
Shall pass...
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| YOU KNOW HOW , YOU JUST HAVE TO LISTEN
Posted: 4/11/2008 5:04:25 AM | | the only way to get over him is to move on with your life, and never look back, and i dont mean going out with another pig, take time out for you..... good luck | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:35:39 AM | He got deported from the country. He moved to Maine (im in NS) and started living out there,
Hmmm, even being a Canadian, I always thought Maine was one of the states...how could he get deported, and still have a residence in Maine?
after only 6 weeks into our relationship he cheated on me 7 times with my best friend and tried to get her pregnant, i found out caught them, he got mad and hit me.
while out there he cheated on me with a mentally challenged woman, moved in with her and was telling me nothing was going on
(I had taken him back like a dummy)
So to make a long story short, hes been cheating on me (still is) im now 7 months pregnant with his first child
i want to leave him and im trying to but i dont know how to let go (hes very manipulative), I just found out he slept with a 17 year old girl. I technically have left him, but i dont know what to do to get over him, and not let him manipulate me (theres ALOT more to the story)
I found out he was an alcoholic, a drug addict and an abuser (after i had already fell for him),
Holy sh*t, ALOT more to the story...I personally don't need to hear anymore..
Good God, woman, you come here for advice, but if anything above hasn't convinced you that he's trash, what could anyone say that would change your mind???
My first and main priority are my kids and my unborn daughter, but how do you get over someone your in love with whos hurt you so bad?
Your main responsibility now is to keep your children safe from this person. I would hope you don't need advice on how to do that. There's a fine line between being very much in love, and just being plain desperate for attention.
edit: nevermind, I see from your profile you are Canadian, and he was deported to the States... | |
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| In Need Of Some Help And Advice
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:15:20 AM |
It seems like nothing is helping, I try to not pick up the phone, or to wonder who hes with or what hes doing, but nothing seems to work.
Sweetie...did ya' happen to print out a copy of your original post and hang it someplace prominent?? If not, please do...and add to it, this one...and place it by the phone! (Sounds silly...but it works, really!)
Just the FACT that you HAVE TO WONDER who he is with, should be enough for you to say, "NO MORE."
It is very difficult when you are carrying someone's child, to NOT want to be with them. This is supposed to be a time for love, support, joy...but he was providing you with NONE of that. But there will come a day when you will look back and say, "How did I ever tolerate that for even 5 minutes?!" And you will laugh.
For now, keep yourself busy with your children, friends, family, hobbies...dream about the new unborn child and focus on your kids and YOU. | |
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