| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/5/2008 1:04:32 PM | I meet this guy from a different site... He came across as VERY NICE, said he was honest, looking for the real deal, had his act together et al... All the things I have read in "I'm a totally nice guy that never gets a chance".
So I give him a chance. We exhange nice e mails, then on to the phone... Yep he came across as a nice guy. I was understanding he lived with his 92, and 87 yr old parents to help take care of them... Which seemed like a really nice thing to do as a good loving son.
First date was nice, as were all the phone calls, however I felt he was over analyzing me, I figured it was because he was a non working in the filed of his study psych major.
We set up a 2nd date, which goes very nice...He had went all out, bought a rose, got pizza, the movies, insisted on wanting to meet my son, and wanted to get him a bird...Which I wasn't feeling real comfortable about...I am used to taking care of part of things to keep a balance, and definitely not comfortable with someone wanting to get something for my son that soon.
I flirt with him a bit sexually OVER THE PHONE, just seeing his views of sex, (since he said he was a Catholic) and he gets all worked up into a lather...
He decides the third date is to be an all niter (since my son wouldn't be home).... Now that seems to be a bit to much, and overwhelmingly soon... At first I say well ok... My old fashion politeness that I have at NOT wanting to disappoint... Then I think about it, and decide this really isn't where I want to head right now... It is just way to soon for me and mr nice guy, and I really want to know him as a person.
So the next night I call him and tell him, ya know things are going way to fast, and I need them to slow down. (which the third date was to be 2 days away) I told him I'm not ready to go down the path of sex, still enjoying getting to know you, but for me this train is just moving to fast. I need to slow things down.
His first response was oh your not interested in me any more, I have had this happen before, and this is what always happens.. However it is USUALLY after we've had sex. (Creepy)
Next day he calls, says he doesn't feel the way he did. That it was MY fault that his motor got running, and that I should NEVER have flirted with him that way... That I had no right to just cancel when I was the one who talked about sex...
OK....
I don't know how MOST NICE guys respond to a gal saying they want to slow things down (actually I do, I have seen a rant thread about it, but it was AFTER they had sex). However this is my question, what on earth is wrong with a person saying (man or woman) that says things are moving to fast? We had only been chatting for a little over 3 weeks. Sure it is very nice to have someone be nice and do nice things, and to be caring. However it can become way overwhelming and a person needs their space, and to feel like they can say not ready for sex.
He had told me a woman like me has NEVER been interested in him, in his 49 yrs of life, and he felt so glad someone like me would give him a chance.
I am left wondering where is the line of giving a person a chance, and them having such emotional issues that when they are actually given a chance they derail everything on their own...
Now this is NOT angry can't believe a guy acted like this rant, because I have no problem in walking away, and told him thanks for the things he's done... As well he also got me a gift he still wanted to give me, and still wanted to get my son a bird; I said no thanks... Which offended him more.
As if I want him ranting that he was used, even after I SUPPOSEDLY REJECTED HIM...
This perhaps is a cautionary tale... One that is to others that say they are NICE guys and gals that never are given a chance. Perhaps you have been given a chance, but you chose to derail things simply because the other person wasn't moving at the same speed as you.
Frankly I think the poor guy in my story had some very serious issues and really needs to deal with his attitude that if a woman even flirts a little sexually doesn't mean she is obligated to go all the way.... | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/5/2008 2:04:43 PM | A gentleman would have respected your feelings - sounds like a little boy pouting because he couldn't have his way
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/5/2008 2:40:12 PM | He was never a Nice Guy..... Nice guys go bad when their World crashs down around them due to some major Traumatic experience.
This guy was bad all along, just needed a bit of coaxing to come out. Which in my opinion is worse.... a bad guy pretending to be a Nice Guy. | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/5/2008 4:17:54 PM | nexthyme.........
Sounds to me like he certainly has some very serious issues which he will have to work on if he wants any chance with a woman. Problem is that he will never realise that he needs to address that issue if he is going to learn anything from this.
You are obviously best out of this connection and go on your merry way..... you have every right, as anyone, to say NO and Not feel guilty, nor let anyone else make you feel guilty about it. He is only projecting his guilt onto you.
You certainly dealt with this in a very logical manner 
PS: (taking) bets... he will still try and contact with you again. | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/5/2008 5:00:13 PM | LOL thank you very much gals...
Pink leather yes he DID want to talk with me... He sent me a text stating he was feeling bad because of our conversation.
I asked him why and he said it was because I got upset...
FUNNY, I got up set, no just wanted to know WHY he would jump ship immediately when I asked to slow things down.
I also agree he obviously has never been a nice guy, probably explains why his marriage to someone he dated off and on only lasted 11 months..
He complained see told him NO WOMAN would ever find him desirable to be with... I think I got a good dose of why that is, and got out there EASY...
He was offended that I deleted him off of my space page... Ummm duh, he doesn't strike me as friend ship material. If a person is a real friend to me, they would be interested in taking a misunderstanding and turning it around.
Obviously he's incapable...
Don't mean to sound like I am complaining... I guess I have read enough "I'm a nice guy, why don't women want to be with me threads." that as was stated by pink leather, he will NEVER learn that HE is the one that makes an actual relationship with a woman impossible.
Perhaps this thread MY HELP those guys that say they are nice, but rejected, to really look at themselves and see if they indeed are a nice guy, or if they have issues they haven't worked out. Then blame others for their lack of interest in going any further... | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/5/2008 5:11:54 PM | nexthyme,
Yep...there it is, Seems like you got a good handle on things....and just in time too.
Personally I hate that label Nice Guy... Makes me wanna do something bad just to prove 'em wrong  | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/5/2008 10:41:35 PM | I'M A NICE GUY.....BUT A DRESS LIKE A BAD BOY.
Sadly nice guys go bad because nice guys finish last. Women arent very much looking for that nice guy. Nice guys can be boring. We are intellects, nerds, dorks, and just not what women want in their 20s. But after being wronged again and again women will get the message that nice guys are what they need, hence us nice guys are chosen in the end for marriage and not just another fling that isnt meant to last. | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/5/2008 10:55:33 PM | | Even though there may have been some innocent flirting done, he should have respected your wishes and not gotten so pissy about it. Perhaps all he was looking for was a roll in the hay, either way, you set the boundaries and he should have accepted that and not overreacted like he did. Better to have found out sooner than later. Sorry you had to go through that OP. | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/5/2008 11:16:03 PM | One famous Nice Guy in particular comes to mind,
From what Ive read, almost everyone he met thought he was the nicest, most charming and handsome guys to ever stalk a college compus..... | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 2:47:25 AM | Isn't there some comedy song called"Sensitive Guy"?
Just don't look back OP | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:00:13 AM | Eh,
his self-control sucked from the sound of it. Not bashing, just stating that it's something he needs to work on. | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 9:39:50 AM | | SO may women get used to being treated like crap... then they date a nice guy and can't stand to be treated well.... it's a nasty nasty cycle! | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 10:35:14 AM | Thanks All...
Lissa, ummmm I am not sure if I would consider what he did was being treated well. My idea of being treated well is someone that can respect a women that says you are moving way to fast for my comfort zone... If I am expected in only one week of meeting a "nice guy", his words the nicest I could have ever met... to bed him, then that seems to fall far from the tree of "nice guy".
Oh well, life has moved on, and he can take his show on the road some where else... | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:20:02 PM | | I didnt say that the guy you were involved with was a nice guy. Many men will say they are nice and act that way just to bed a woman. Or to get what they want out of you. Red flags would have been going off for me the instant he started saying those things to you. Not all men are ***holes, there are actually reall nice guys out there. Just gotta pick through the bad ones. And a woman has to break her pattern of dating jerks. I am fortunate enough to be dating a nice guy. His actions truly speak louder than his words do. | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:21:01 PM | | Another thing, the second a guy offers to buy something for you kids that should be a red flag! | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:23:41 PM | Agree with a poster in here, Being a nice guy or a bad boy is always a double edged sword.
I get rejected because the train moves slowly. I will even admit that I am often given a rejection notice because of my REFUSAL to have sex early in a relationship. I mean the first relationship I ever got into lasted a week, because the other girl found a bad boy and then called it quits...but not after lying to me....as if I couldnt see it.
Nice guys can be taken advantage of. Some stereotypes are that we are gullible, open to influence and really just a door mat. Nothing can be further from the truth. Nice guys are just people who have fun in a another sort of way other than sex. We have boundaries and hence we know what we are looking for instead of a fling between the sheets. Hence why real nice guys dont get alot of dating action, we are too mature and together to put up with the girl looking for the bad boy on the bike. | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:43:46 PM | | Amen to that. Too many times I have been guilty of saying " He's TOO nice" After having my self esteem and my heart broken a few too many times I realized I am better than that to be treated like crap. And do I really want a jerk around my kids??? So now I'm dating a nice guy :D Best decision I ever made :D | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:48:47 PM | Good point Lissa. I've never had a guy come up to me and declare that he's a complete jerk and the minute things aren't going his way he's going to verbally attack me and then try to retaliate. That's what the dating process is for, to discover the true person after the niceties wear off.
It sounds like there was clearly a communication issue with Nexthyme and her guy. Based on some conversations he wrongly came to the conclusion that she would have sex early on in the relationship. He overreacted because of baggage he's carrying that he has never processed, which is a sign he may not be emotionally healthy enough for a long-term relationship. Another sign is his trying to bond with her child by gift giving on the 2nd date. That's a little scary to me.
Nexthyme~ I think you're right in that you dodged a bullet with this one. Based on your story I'm unsure if he lied about being a nice guy. It could be that he is a nice guy that cares about family and is just desperately seeking love to the point that he wants everything you have to give right away. I ran into this with a guy from POF also. I tried to explain to him that the thing about a long-term relationship is that it happens over time, but he wasn't buying it. Oh well, back to the pond.  | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 1:53:54 PM | | Seems he never really was a nice guy, but an ulterior motive having douchebag. The whole "not really interested in me" thing reeks of insecurity, seems he put all his eggs in one basket, and had the rug pulled out from under him. Being a sincere 'nice guy' is great, but don't act all butt hurt when someone doesn't put out immediately. Third date is way too soon... | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 2:37:02 PM | | YOu HVAE to be honest with a person fromthe beginning... you HAVE to be honest about what ou want... and if you get freaked out then you owe it to that person to say " hey I'm freaked out! slow down" or even I realized I'm not ready to commit to a person I still have issues I'm working on. Now I realizee that not everyone does that..... and that might be an ideal situation, but hell better to go into a situation knowing whats goping on then to go into it blind. Guess again I'm lucky.....the guy I'm daintg was honest with me from the start... I know where he is and I know hes not ready to jump into something... so we are taking things slow :) Free to date others, we have our ground rules we set up too. We care for eachother, and even if we dont end up in a longterm realtionship down the road, I at the very least have a good friend! | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 2:46:03 PM | Thanks once again all...
I agree I was WAY FREAKED when he said he wanted to bond with my son. I was ok when he said he had birds he wanted to give away, because people give animals away often when someones health is in danger... However when those plans changed and he INSISTED he had a promise to keep I got freaked...
I was trying to make sure I was NOT over reacting, thus I stepped back... As stated, this apparently seemed to pull the rug from under him, and he went totally bonkers...
With me, I am a very up front this is who I am, and what I am about person.
This is just one of those whoa what the heck situations that made me think of all the "I'm a nice guy" thread...
Believe me I have met some really truly great guys... Obviously not the one for me yet, but I believe he's out there...
Lissa I am glad you see the benefit of being friends... Generally I do too, and like making friends... But this guy, I said no way, seems to me the price with him is way to high...
What can I say, life throws curve balls, and it is better to move out of the way, than to get hit in the head by the ball... | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:30:07 PM | Sometimes those are the prettiest lumps to show off later though. ;)
I guess it all boils down to is that as we get older we're (in theory) better able to judge the ones we should dodge and the one's we take for the team. | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:38:49 PM | What can I say, life throws curve balls, and it is better to move out of the way, than to get hit in the head by the ball...
I think this guy was more of a screw ball than a curve ball. | |
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| When nice guys go bad...
Posted: 4/6/2008 10:02:11 PM | nexthyme .... Not knowing how deep your conversation went or what was said. Each person has the right to change their mind about anything. You decided that things were moving to fast and wanted to slow things down, keep your legs crossed, keep your knickers up, not have sex. That is your decision and should be respected by everyone, not only "the nice guy".
It sounds as though you made a decision which proved to be correct and wise. I wonder if he would have gotten upset and broken things off, if you had decided to have sex with him on the second date. (Doubtfully!) It appears that you were seeing a guy who has a self esteem issue rather than, good guy syndrome.
Lastly, at times, it is difficult to know what women really want. ( Not directing this towards any particular woman)
I've been with women who acted and said that they wanted to cuddle and make slow love, then found out later, that they actually wanted to be ravaged and have rough sex, time they walked into the bedroom/house/hotel room. Some have said no real kissing on the first date and later asked why I didn't put a lip lock on her.  Nothing surprises me anymore but it would be great if women actually said what they want, rather than saying one thing and wanting to opposite.
You were direct, honest and did nothing to have caused him to react the way that he did. | |
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