| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 4:39:50 AM | I have found the opposite of the other thread about women concerning this. I have alot of women friends,and including my own experiences, it seems many of the men we have dated are anxious to settle down.
This holds true even very soon after a divorce,when,in my view,even IF the divorce was amicable,you still need time to regroup and time to reconcile what happened in that marriage. (sorry for the long sentence) If you have young children,then this process has to include helping them with what happened.
The only solution is time,yet,when I have mentioned this to these men,they act as if this isn't an issue,that they are already over it and on to the next!
Which leads me to my final theory...Men need women a heckuva lot more than women need men,especially in later years!
Who's with me on this one? If not,why not? | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:22:08 AM | | I think in many cases you may be right. Seems to me that I've read that widowed and divorced men remarry much quicker than widowed and divorced women, on the average. Certainly there are men who don't want to jump right into a longterm relationship, much less marriage, just as there are women who immediately want to be 'involved'. From the men I have known, it seems that initially they are looking for a relationship relatively quickly after divorce/death. If they don't find someone within a year or two, they become more comfortable living alone. Then they get to a point where they really enjoy their space and are more reluctant to give it up. I think it has more to do with what they are use to and comfortable with than anything else. If they have been in a longterm relationship or marriage, then that is what makes them comfortable . When it ends, they want to recreate their 'comfort zone'. The longer they are single, the more comfortable they are with being alone. After a while, that becomes their 'comfort zone'. Women, for the most part, are more adaptable to change, in my opinion. I could be way off base, but this is my experience from the men and women I've known and how they have handled life changing experiences they've incurred. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:49:42 AM | I can't speak for other men, and I do not know ratio of men in a hurry to walk down the aisle. But me personally, no. I have desire to change my status. I stay away from women who want to rush a relationship into marriage.
There's something making them insecure, or needy. Usually they wish to control and change their partner by manipulation. Emotionally, and in my opinion, it's a storm on the horizion.
I wonder though, cause it seems a good number of my friends have been married more than twice. Personally, marriage is a sacred endeavor, and not to be taken lightly. Nor is it temporary or solved, or disolved easily. Plus I despise lawyers and the whole divorce game itself, and it is a game. Once you put your fate in the hands of the legal system, you've lost control over your life, and I just won't do that.
I've still 7 years of child support and college tuition to pay. I'm not willing to enter into any commitment of questionable stability whatsoever.
Divorce rates are over 50%, and I can't see myself taking a risk with someone until a long courtship prevails. Five years should do it. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:05:34 AM | Ok ya'll,looks as if this is going to get deleted for "bashing"?? WTF?
A thread can be started for women wanting to get married after 40,but delete the thread that calls men on the same thing???
Someone explain please,if you can. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:16:15 AM | | Of course this doesn't hold true for all men the same as it does hold true for all women. Generally however I think some men are more likely to need companionship than generally women are. Women have a larger capacity to communicate and collect a circle of friends, so they almost always have someone to talk to. A lot of men spend their adult life time only communicating with their female partner, so they feel the lonelyness more. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:24:14 AM | Deleting would happen less if it had to be done publicly. Maybe they took offense to your screen name. I've never married but the idea of being in a happy ltr is appealing. Except that most married people don't seem to be tremendously happy.
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:50:55 AM | Ok ya'll,looks as if this is going to get deleted for "bashing"?? WTF?
Your post is not bashing ..... but its annoying to some to see or I should say to assume. That in what ever gender the question is. I think people tend to at first disagree and feel the question is in "ALL of that gender" Why didn't the poster say some or most or a few or start off , I feel or my experience is that........ I have seen some posts that start off as: Why are all Men cheap. Why are all men liars Why are all men players. And it goes the other way to. Why are all women this and that.
To the original post; I think both genders do not want to get married again after going through a divorce most of the time. And just after a divorce depends on the individual. Some people feel lost right away and need to reconnect fast with someone and some want to just be single after being attached for many years. Some want to not settle and take their time because they feel I am not going through that again. And also I want what I want! I want to be sure! I am not settling! Like who could be sure in this day and age? Also if a woman is really attractive to a man or vice versa they might want to tie the knot quicker than usual. Thinking I have a great catch I can't let them go! But I have seen that some women feel they communicate better than men, are maturer than men, and make comments like the ones above. Some men would disagree. Its only someones opinion but to some its a real issue. And to the post below me I can see how some would say ..... BS I don't want a house maid........but thats just how someone feels. To me she worded it right and said "in my experiance" ! | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:52:41 AM | i have only one marriage in my vitae, and due to its nature, no desire for another.
in my experience, men want a live-in maid. i have no desire to repeat that episode.
let's see: i do the laundry, housecleaning, cooking, dishes and lawn work while working full-time. he works full-time and spends the remainder of his life doing whatever he damn well pleases, knowing that whatever messes he creates, i'll clean up.
been there. done that. got the t-shirt.
so, any time i see a man leaning ever so slightly in that direction, i walk away. i don't speak helpless. you take care of yourself. i take care of myself. we get together a few times each week, have a good time and go our separate ways.
perfection. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 9:08:46 AM | Re the Opost:
"...Which leads me to my final theory...Men need women a heckuva lot more than women need men,especially in later years!.."
I have the same theory. That MOST men need women more than women need men, in all years.
But:
1. Most women have NOT realised YET that they do not need the men (for chores, income, etc)
2. A few men, we work hard at making sure that we do not grow dependent on women for household chores, etc etc.
Of course there is a great distinction between a "need" and a "want".
People, in general, need people who want them, not need them. But that is not always what they want. But wants evolve, but slower than changes in needs. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 9:09:05 AM | Hiya Just,
That's why I was careful to say "many" not "all"
Nothing is ever "always" or "never"
I do agree that women are better communicators and therefore probably have a larger circle of friends and don't get as lonely. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 9:18:12 AM | I personally prefer a happy LTR to marriage, and most of the men that I am attracted to seem to feel the same way.
However, I think A LOT (NOT ALL!) of the men who want to get married -- at our age -- do so because they NEED something --
ie: free nurse, financial assistance, maid, etc. Or just someone to "love them just as they are" (self-neglecting, poorly groomed, no social skills).
It seems to me that MANY of the men have it all together have too many women after them to choose from.
That's just my opinion, and it certainly does not apply in EVERY case.
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 9:34:10 AM | So.......if we are confirmed bachelor's, and enjoy not being married, we must be players, and if we do want to marry, we must be needy, and want to be taken care of.......do I have that right???.........
There are many of us that see no reason to ever marry again, unless you are considering having more children, or have little ones that are around, and you want to make things less confusing for the family unit.
I do not need to have someone take care of me, and can afford to have things done for me, that I do not care to do for myself. I also do not need to take care of another, and make sure that I can complete what they are currently missing in their life as well.
I seek to find an equal, that wants to walk by my side and enjoy the adventures together. I do not want or need a wedding to make this happen, or to produce more babies to show my manliness, or make the woman with me feel complete.
I am desperate for nothing, and yet wanting to not live a life totally alone. I may be alone many times, but not lonely, and life has a way to allow others to enter it for the chance to find that special one to enjoy.
What I seek is enjoyment, pleasure, and the chance to smile as I do things with another that wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them...... 
Just my opinion.......   | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 9:38:39 AM |
What I seek is enjoyment, pleasure, and the chance to smile as I do things with another that wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them
i kind of described something similar. but i'd like to go home to my own space and my own routine when we finish with the 'enjoyment, pleasure and the chance to smile.'
now something like that, i wouldn't mind. particularly if we lived at least 10 miles apart. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 10:26:06 AM | I don't know if that's more true for men vs.women. What I think it is true, are those who are fresh out of a long term marriage, are use to the companionship of a spouse. They don't like being alone, and they can't identify life without being part of a couple.
I think one thing in a woman's favor, is women have a great group of friends that they know they have a soft place to land when the going gets rough.
My last BF, he was married 28 years. He was fresh out of a divorce, we started dating. I really liked the guy, but by the 3rd month of our dating, he was already talking marriage. I told him that there's no discussion of us getting married until we've been dating a year. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 11:25:22 AM | So.......if we are confirmed bachelor's, and enjoy not being married, we must be players, and if we do want to marry, we must be needy, and want to be taken care of.......do I have that right???.........
No, you don't have that right -- Not if you were directing this question to me.
If so, please re-read my post, and note the Captilized words like A LOT, but NOT ALL
Also note that I stated that this is CERTIANLY not always the case, just something I have noted. Pretty sure there are "needy" using women out there too, but todays' topic is about men.
Its just that a lot of men, AND women (like ME!) over 45 may want an LTR -- but would prefer to maintain their own homes, and not marry again.
Yes, some men and Women over 45 chose to "play the field" too. Nothing wrong with that and no need to label anyone.
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 11:52:13 AM | speaking from my own personal experience.....think I agree, with the 'time-line' factor as an addendum.
The X was the one to leave the marriage (reasoning was, he wanted to 'f**k' other women!). Took me 2years after the initial separation to even WANT to go out on a date.....whereas he was planning on moving in with the new GF within 1 1/2 years.
I realized during that time, that I really enjoy my new found independence. And that he actually has an 'MO'! Turns out that she is an almost exact 'copy', except for height, as me....or at least she 'tries' to be, according to our kid (no, I don't solicit the information). And he did the same things/activities/vacations with her as he did with me at the beginning of our courtship. Now, if he had waited to get involved....who knows? All I can figure out is that he felt the need to be 'taken care of' in much the same manner as during our marriage. Who'd a thunk? Call me 'Miss Innocent'! | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:08:48 PM | The guys I've met who mentioned marriage to me had been divorced for many years so it had nothing to do with them being used to being part of a couple. They also weren't unattractive losers who couldn't get dates. One of them was on this site for a little while and he was on over 100 favorites lists which is a lot for an older guy. He was definitely more popular than I am. In the 5 years I was separated from my husband, several men brought up the idea of marriage but my husband never let our divorce become final so I wasn't actually free to get married again until he died last year. I think men are pretty simple and when they find something they like, they want it and if it happens to be a woman that they want, they come to the conclusion that the best way to keep her is to marry her. I also get marriage proposals online but I'm pretty sure they're teasing me since they haven't even met me in person. The wierdest marriage proposal I got was from a guy I met in person once and who kept wanting to see me again, but he wanted the second date to include an overnight stay. I said no each time. He called me off and on for several years trying to get me to meet him in a motel. Last summer, he called and said he wanted to marry me, but he wanted to have sex first and then we would get married. Since I don't want to get married anyway I turned that proposal down too, but it's too bad he made it impossible for me to be able to agree to a second date since I was attracted to him. I have no idea what was going on there. He was handsome and successful and always told me how many other women wanted him. Maybe he's happily married to one of them now. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:21:27 PM | I have 2 sisters. One for sure got married just to be married. That lasted 1 month. My other sister I suspect got married just to be married.
Me, I could have been married a few times but refuse to be married or be in a relationship just because it sucks being alone most times. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:44:30 PM | | ****I wish I could find just one man that wants to settle for more than a few dates.. seems to be all about the sex in the end. Marraige??? Where do you meet these men??? Is there a state/province they're all hiding in.. is there at least a number to call? Something? Anything? I'll trade the last 5 cads.. for one decent marrying joe.. anyday! Sheesh!*** | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:51:39 PM | Personally I've been divorced for over 20 years and I love it. As a single parent of two both are well out of the nest, out of collage and on their own my time is now my time.
I have "company" and entertain when desired, "date" who and when I desire. To settle down and remarry? Certainly not even an option at this stage of my life. I've had many years to develop many close "friendships." I know I wouldn't trade my lifestyle for all the tea in China. | |
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| why are MEN over 40 so desperate to get married??
Posted: 4/6/2008 12:54:55 PM | | The men who are actively dating either want to remarry, or have a girlfriend, or at least a FWB. The men who aren't dating either don't want or need those things, or for whatever reason, they are avoiding relationships. So if a man is actively dating, it's because he's looking for something, and that's why it seems like the men you and your friends are dating are anxious to settle down. There is a whole group of men out there who aren't dating, and since you're not interacting with them, they are transparent to you. So your generalization is invalid. | |
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