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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:18:23 PM | | I don't quite understand why I'm posted this to complete strangers, but I guess it's mostly because my life is pathetic and I have no friends in this city. I have been here for 9 years and have only met 1 person. My wife left me in 2005 and I feel there is no meaning left in my life. I have tried meeting people on lavalife. I have tried this site but all anyone looks at is what you look like. Christ I've been on these sites for 2 years and havent met one person. I went out with 2 on lavalife and after they met me ran away screaming. I'm on anti-depressants that only give me headaches, vitamin's that don't do shit and a councellor that every week makes me re-tell my whole life story because he never remembers who I am. I have no interests in life left. Last year I took up mountain biking, snowboarding and golf to try and get my life together. I had a major accident and broke my hip and arm and my 72 year old dad had to take care of me. The couple of friends I did have don't understand what I'm going through and all guys can ever say is your being stupid, you'll never be happy, what the **** is wrong with you, get over it. Thanks for nothing....again I don't know why I posted this I'm sure no one gives a shit and this is all self pitying but I dunno what else to do. I've been thinking of ways to kill myself but I don't even have the strength for that. Try to smoke my lungs to death to see if I can get cancer or something I cant control. Been trying to drink as much as possible on my anti-depressants but I still wake up in the morning. ....Sigh ...whatever | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:32:04 PM | | wow that is too much for one person to handle and i do feel bad for you i really do. but you do need to quite drinking n takeing the pills think about it. it hasent gotton you anywhere why? because your still here and that is a good thing. 2nd you need to change doctors the one your seeing now seens like he not helping at all. you know? maybey you should call a sucide hot line and talk to them there much more prepared to help than anyone on a forum. hey you have nothing too lose. and always keep these words in mind TOMORROW JUST MIGHT BE A BETTER DAY. good luck to you. | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:39:50 PM | Wow Guy:
I feel for you. First of all feeling as bad as you do, you need to find a different counselor. Someone that you can relate to. I read your profile and I don't understand why anyone would run away from you. I saw your pictures with several girls there, it look like you were having fun. Clinical depression is a very serious disease and if the medication you are taking is not working then your counselor needs to change it. I know this beacuse I am a retired RN and have worked with emotional and depressed clinic. Why don't you have any friends after nine years. What about people you work with????? Why can't you walk into a bar and make friends, or the church you go to. Olviously, you don't want to kill your self, You can spend years smokiing and nothing will happen. Go to your nearest hospital and tell them that you are thinking about committing suicide and they will admit you for a few days that way you can speak to a mental health professional and have them change your meds. I sincerely hope this helps. Your are too young to be feeling this way. And you are wrong I give a shit. | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:47:12 PM | I understand your pain. I too get so depressed that all I want to do is crawl underr a rock and hide .I would do this to hide the pain I feel. I would love to meet a LAdy and settle down.I have been looking for over 20 yrs and no luck. Most women just dont reliase a good thing when they see it.So just hang in there ,Talk to someone that will listen to you  Remember that nothing can be saved at the expense of a bottle of cheap booze | |
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Zincc
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Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 5 | |
| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:47:37 PM | everyone feels down from time to time but after reading your msg. it looks like you're in a pretty big rut right now. My advice, if you're so unphappy with your life, you need to start making some changes. My own personal definition of stupidity (and I'm by no means saying you are stupid) is repeating the same behaviour over and over and continuing to get the same unsuccessful results. You say you've been living in the same place for 9 years and have only met one person. I suppose this outcome is possible but i'm sure over the last 9 years you've had plenty of opportunities to make friends along the way. The fact that you have only 1 friend right now tells me you need to work harder at making friends. Relationships and friends are like plants. If you don't water them and look after them, they will die. You actually have a great opportunity here. You're pretty much at rock bottom right now, so things can only get better from here. That is, if you want things to get better.
My advice, ditch the mountain biking, snowboarding and those types of activities where you're not really getting to interact and get to know other people. Although I think you have the right idea. Try something like volleyball, baseball, basketball, ball hockey. If you dont any of these sports....who cares.....it doesnt sound like you're all that happy sitting at home waiting for cancer.
Make an honest effort to get to know some new people. Start with one person. But don't give up. I'm sure you're a great person and have lots to offer. But you need to change your life today. It won't happen overnight, but again, things can only get better from here if you really want them to. But you can't expect to make lasting relationships sitting in your house all day. Today is Sunday, make a pact with yourself TODAY to join something that will get you out and around people.
Decide TODAY to live TOMORROW
give me your email address. I'll be your friend if you need one. | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:48:57 PM | You need a different doctor who will listen to you and get you on the right medications. QUICKLY!
Stop the drinking. Hello.. it's a depressant, which is something you obviously don't need.
I feel for you, I really do. I've had some depressing times in my life, but they pass. You seem to be stuck in one and don't know how to get out. You need help and only you can get that for you.
I wish you the best and hope you get yourself taken care of soon.
Krys | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:49:17 PM | Well, let me say first, I am not a therapist nor am I an expert. Having said that, I note a couple of things that I'd like to address. 1) your title says "FEEL that there is no reason to live". Well, feelings can be overwhelming and can overshadow facts and truth. I don't know you or your whole situation, but it just sounds like you're overwhemed by your circumstances. I can tell things are very difficult for you. I didn't say they are difficult, I said they are difficult FOR YOU. The fact that you posted this is a last cry for help. I bet you feel like absolutely nobody understands you. Part of you thinks "I'll do this, then I'll show them and they'll get it and maybe be sorry". But in stating this, you just really want relief. You don't want to die, you just want understanding and acceptance. At this point, a big hug would probably be welcomed. The second thing, for the love of God, get yourself a therapist who will help you!! If you are having side effects from your meds and they are not helping then one of you is not communicating. Depression is a physical problem, just like epilepsy or arthritis, in that you need the proper meds for your body to work right. I understand also, that you do often have to go over things in therapy, over and over, so you can hear them and put them in perspective. It also helps to talk to help purge those thoughts and feelings from your system.
As far as meeting people, well,,,,how many times have you iniated meeting? It sounds old fashioned, but women want to be pursued--we don't want to ask you out. And when you did meet people, did you only talk about the negative things in your life? It may seem like that is all you have, but it isn't. Find the good...what college did you go to? What did you major in? Did you accept a crazy dare as a teenager? Do you like your job? Does it make you feel good? What dream have you had and what can you do to pursue it? Do you like thunderstorms? What Im saying is, find the positive. If you're mired in mud, you only see mud. But if you look around, you'll find clean, solid ground to try to get to.
Look, I get the depression thing. I have had it. I have severe insomnia and it makes it worse, and the depression feeds the insomnia. 'A few weeks ago, I had some serious financial issues blindside me and I thought that was it, my breaking point. But after thinking it through, I realized I am too good to go out that way. I don't know how to help you find a point that will bring your confidence back, but just know it is there---somewhere. Nobody is a loser that chooses not to be.
Find some professional help, the right meds for your situation, get more sleep, eat healthy to rid yourself of toxins and sit in the sun. Do something you enjoy.
Good luck-- | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:52:52 PM | First of all, you may need to see a new doctor and MAKE him listen to you. Tell him that the anti-depressants you are on are NOT working, and he/she should work with you, trying to find the right ones to help you. It's the doctor you need to be telling about these hopeless feelings you are having, not strangers on the internet, who can't really help you.
Second, fire the counselor who doesn't remember who you are, and get one who actually cares about his/her patients.
Third, listen to me here I know it's hard, but you are going to have to pick your chin up off the ground and force yourself to change your outlook on life. Drugs can only help you so much, the rest you are going to have to do yourself. And it's going to be hard work, but you must make the decision to be happy. This is something I completely believe in, I even have it in my profile that I believe we create our own happiness. We can also create our own misery, and which of those we create is a decision we make.
You are young, and very handsome, and with a more positive attitude, you'd attract women like bees to honey. It's all in how you carry yourself. If you are walking around with the world on your shoulders, other people will sense it, and avoid you. If you feel like you are on top of the world, people will sense that too, and be very attracted to that.
But the first order of business is to STOP with the drinking already, and get a good doctor to get your meds straightened out. It could just be a matter of the dosage not being right.
I hope you'll come back and read these replies and let us know how you are doing. | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 5:54:48 PM | You did the right thing posting. My wife also left in 2005. It was a messy divorce. Any wild thought you've had I've had as well. I still haven't come to terms with everything. While I've had a few nice dates I've no doubt scared off a few more with my "issues".
Early on after the separation I was put on anti-depressants. All they did was exaggerate my emotions and fog my thinking. I discontinued their use rapidly. Perhaps you should consider doing the same. Stay on the vitamins though. Eat a balanced diet and exercise. If you're going to have any hope of being physically and emotionally healthy you have to take care of yourself.
If your counselor is an idiot then get another one. However before you do that please consider that he/she may be having you retell your life story repeatedly looking for discrepancies or variations. They are looking for some detail which they can use to "open" you up in order to help you.
Quit drinking. I did. I've been completely dry 32 months. At least moderate it. There is a wonderful organization full of people that want to help you. You'll make more friends, good friends, more then you ever imagined possible. People who have felt exactly the way you do right now. If you haven't guessed it I'm talking about Alcoholics Anonymous. I've just given away my own anonymity but if it saves your life then it's more then worth it.
You're a good looking guy. You're young. You've still got you're whole life ahead of you and at the minimum a father who cares about you.
Hang in there buddy. We're all in this together. -Chris | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:06:56 PM | Hello mradDiction,
First off, you are very young, although you don't feel that right now. What you need to do is to start looking at the good things that you have in your life-your Dad, for example. Just think about how much love there is for you from him that he nursed you when you broke your hip. Just think about how devastated he would be if you did yourself in. How wonderful to have such a caring father, and no amount of friendships could ever make up for the love of a parent.
I know from experience, from a close family member's suicide that they did a lot of damage to everyone left behind, and that essentially it was a very selfish act. Each of us has the responsibility to move/live through the pain that life deals to everyone at some time, and the loneliness. We should not allow ourselves the right to burden those around us with our self-pity and self-destructiveness. They often have problems just as bad as ours. We should think about what we can do to help them, and forget our own sadness.
It really isn't true that no-one gives a shit. Its just that no-one knows what to do to make you happy, because happiness is an inside job. * You * have to decide whether or not you are going to be happy each day when it starts, and determine that you will cope and prevail and manage your own attitudes about what ever the day throws at you.
Get yourself around others, and make sure those others are people who are positive and moving forward with life, not ones who are giving in and giving up as you appear to be in the process of doing now. Loneliness can be devastating if you let it be. So reach out and do something to help someone who needs it more than you do.
I wish you all the best,
Artisanatheart | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:19:03 PM | This is a good thing your doing by reaching out. It means you have HOPE.
I have to agree that you need a new counselor. Not to say yours is not a good counselor....hes just not good for you. I feel the meds and drinking are compounding your problem. Your really in no shape to date. But reaching out for friends is a good thing. Please know that you can message me any time you feel the need to talk. I'm a counselor (not the kind you need) so I do know how to listen and I can be a friend.
Also I know with how your feeling its hard to push yourself, but how about joining a gym. I think right now you could use a couple of understanding male friends. Someone understanding but that doesnt have a host of problems of their own.
Good Luck........keep the Faith | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:26:24 PM | People DO care about what happens to you.....just look at the responses that you have been given. People who do not know you at all really care.
I've been where you are. It hurts, it sucks, and I don't wanna go there again. The most important thing you have to do is to Keep On Keepin' On. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving FORWARD. Get a new therapist. Ask your doctor to look into changing your medication. Get out and take a walk EVERY DAY....even when you don't want to, MAKE yourself do it. Make yourself find just ONE thing to be grateful for EACH and EVERY DAY. FORCE yourself to find something to be grateful for if you have to....just do it EVERY DAY.
Laughter is something that helped to pull me out of the depths of despair. Seriously. Find something that makes you laugh. Be it a cartoon, a movie, a joke, or a comedian. Stay away from the booze. Stay away from sad songs. Stay away from negative thinking and negative people.
One step at a time. You can do it. I know....because I did. | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:34:27 PM | Since everyone else is chipping in their 2cents I'll give you mine...
Volunteer. In helping others you will help yourself. You'll know what I mean when you try it. | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:34:47 PM | Hello mradDiction,
First off, I'm glad you posted how you're feeling and didn't decide to do any harm to yourself!!! SECOND.... PLEASE go to see your doc/counselor asap....... Let them know how you're feeling. Divorce is a very stressful time, and it is normal for you to feel some of the feelings you're having.... But, PLEASE don't do anything to hurt yourself. You might not believe it now - but" this too shall pass." If you dont feel comfortable with your counselor, there is no reason you cannot find another one. There are divorce support groups that you can attend as well.... Believe it or not there are a lot of people who feel like you after a divorce/separation. Divorce is like a death - and it takes time to get over..... first thing is first... GO see your doctor and he might need to adjust your meds... stop drinking, that isnt helping anything...... After you get your meds back on track there are SO many things you can do to have a joyous life... I dont know if you believe in God, but God wants you to be happy, joyous and free. Don't ever feel that you're alone, because God is always there for you. I am going through a divorce too. I know ALL too well about the depression/sadness that go along with it. I wasn't suicidal, but I was very LOW........I was at the low of my lows in fact....... Also, once you get yourself stable, there are all kinds of things for single men in your age group to do....... But, right now you need to get YOU better and back to be the happy person that God intended you to be...... here is a link about divorce...... please read it. I hope all goes well with you- and if you ever feel like hurting yourself again, please get on here and type to us..... Or call your parents, call someone !! Take care!!!!!!!!!!
 http://www.divorcesource.com/info/surviving/surviving.shtml | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:45:02 PM | i really do not see where you should have a problem , your very nice looking and seem like the nice guy that woman seek so it has to be totally something else that your doing please hang in there and do not do anything stupid. | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/6/2008 8:02:53 PM | I really appreciate all the posts and support. I didn't see one negative comment and that makes me feel better about things. There was one person that said it seem like I do want to go on, and their right I do want to live but not lonely, sad , angry. I want to look at a person and trust them not wonder what their agenda is or how they could hurt me. I didn't post my life story on here because its hard to explain 31 years of life in a few sentences. One person asked how its possible I only have 1 friend. The sad fact is this is true, Most of the friends I did have originally have all moved out of the city and gone on to get married and go on with their lives. While I still consider them friends...none of them are in Calgary. One lady posted about the ladies in my photo...they are definately people I care about most in my life but they are all my best friends and are all married with their own families, as I don't get home to Saskatchewan much I only see them mabe once a year.
There was one guy that posted on here saying I should get involved in volleyball, baseball and basketball. If you have some affordable "recreation" group suggestion's I would really appreciate that.
One guy really hit home to me and said I really need "positive" male friends. I think thats what I'm missing most in my life. My only 2 guy buddies are my roomate...who is a former drug addicted...is very self centered and treats my like crap under his shoes. I feel so bad about myself I just let him walk on me but other things are worse so I just pretend like things don't bother me. My other friend I grew up in Sask. with and I was so happy he was here when my wife left me I almost cried when I found out he was around. The problem is that he is a guys' guy (don't know how to explain this) macho, arrogant, thinks things can be fixed just by getting over it. We butted heads last month and well long story short....He said a bunch of horrible things about me and too me that I felt I didn't deserve and told him I didn't wanna hang with him anymore. But I can't keep letting my friends go b/c it's destroying me. Work people is complicated most of them are so much younger or so much older, and at my work the bosses emphasize leaving your personal crap at home. Which has been hell on me but at the same time I feel better at work because I feel like somebody.
Thanks for the vent and I do appreciate the comments and suggestions. Thank you. | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/7/2008 1:43:17 AM | Your thought process is a negative one, and is causing your problems, you need to re programme yourself with postive uplifting thoughts, and get on with it......
Your negativity and thoughts of failure would make any normal person run.......
Your also going through grief from yoru split, and it takes time its a process, some work through it quickly and other's like you don't do so well, and it is part inmaturity and the other part laziness......
Grow up accept your circumstances and get on with your life, you only have one chance at life, why are you wasting it being a sook.....
Everyone goes through what yoru going through, be a big boy, and get out and make the most of the one chance you have to live.....
surely their are some things you want to achieve and get done before you die........
I need two lives to get everything done that I want to get doen ont his planet, i am not always happy, but I have lots to do........
You don't know happiness till you have misery, but their are many you things you can do to make this easier on yourself, like anything its something you have to deal with and pills and being a misery guts is not the answer......
Cant you think of anything good about your life, stop being a wimp and get off you arse get some good chemicals pumping through your body, exercise till you drop, it will work eventually.....
Every time a negative thought pops in yout head take note and replace it with a positive uplifitng one, put a page of nice things about yourself and a list of things you want to achieve before you die on your fridge and read it every morning and eventually it will start happening for you........
Accept this bad time as a balance to the good times, don't be lazy do something about it
and get off the pills.........
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/7/2008 11:16:23 AM | There are a lot of positive things people here are saying, but I would again suggest that you volunteer. I only say this because I know a close friend who is going through something like you. Two years ago, he wouldn't leave the house. Now, he's enroling in a dance class, dropping his meds, and recovering (hopefully...). He has read a lot about psychiatry, spirituality, nutrition, etc. and attributes his success to volunteering.
Stick with your doctor, your counsellor, and your meds. It's important to take your doctor's advice regarding your meds.
You'll notice a lot of your negative thought patterns relate back to you ("I am worthless because...", "I have no friends...", "I have no interests..."). In fact, in your orginal message you mentioned "I", "me", etc. more than 30 times.
Volunteering will allow you to forget about yourself and your problems (which may well be legitimate). It will help you focus on people around you, build your self-esteem and social skills, help you relate to people, help you connect with positive people and the list goes on. There are a lot of pretty girls who volunteer, believe me.
Anyway, hopefully you can start to do this for a few hours per week, stick with it and you will grow a lot. | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/7/2008 12:19:20 PM | | hey there, don't be so hard on yourself, i looked at your profile and you seem to be a nice guy. i myself go to counciling and it took me a while to find the right person, you need to look elsewhere, a new therapist. i have often had the same thoughts. i was scammed out of a lot of money from 2 guys i met online. i was so depressed, but i woke up and reported them to every agency i could find....i hope they will be caught, in the mean time, i have joy in my heart again because it really helps to talk it out. you should try a couple of new web dating sites, match.com, yahoo personals is really good. think about this.....GOD LOVES YOU AND WILL PROVIDE....let him into your heart, he is here for all of us!!!...be patient, you will find your soul mate i am sure! life is a gift, we are so lucky to be able to make our own decisions, be happy now!!! please don't drink and take drugs, it doesn't help, i know....live your life to the fullest, be happy, smile everyday....be patient....and love your life...I CARE.....everyone who responded to your plea cares...be strong and be happy..... ....you are in my thoughts...write back here and let us know how you are, ok hun?...joicey | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/7/2008 12:30:11 PM | I haven't read all of the responses, so please excuse me if I repeat someone's idea.
I do agree with Jasmin766 that you need a new counselor. Your current one is obviously not helping you and is probably doing some damage of his own, which is quite shameful. Anti-depressants can have the opposite effect on one's psyche if they are not compatible with your own physiology, so have your new counselor check out your prescription/dosage, etc. I applaud you for exercising with the mountain biking, snowboarding and golf...but maybe you should try some team sports where you can meet other outdoorsy types, since that is one of your interests. You should keep up the exercise because it releases endorphins that make us feel good in general.
Also, it seems people can be quite mean online, so I don't know if your characterization of 'ran away screaming' was just self-deprecating humor or not but it sounds like you need some confidence in yourself. You are not a bad-looking bloke and come across as quite nice. Believe that.
Lastly, as I wrote the same to a woman with similar thoughts, don't let anyone steal your hope. Hope is what helps us make it through the darker times. Once you have it, anything is possible. You should surround yourself with positive thinkers and possibly find different male companions, as well.
I hope this was in some small way helpful.  | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/7/2008 12:52:48 PM | First of all, you aren't defined by the relationships you have. If you haven't met anyone that has sticked, learn that life by yourself doesn't suck. Second, CHANGE YOUR MD!! Obviously, the meds that you're on aren't effective. There are other types of seratonin-uptake inhibitors that you might investigate; and the current dosage may be non-therapeutic. Also, some antidepressants can actually cause suicidal thoughts, or at least enhance them. In addition, these types of meds aren't a magic bullet. Therapy is essential in some cases; your current therapist is not working, find another! Definitely cut out the alcohol and cigarettes; any chemical dependency in your case is not helping. Whatever your course ends up being, do more about seeking some crisis intervention than trying to knock yourself off slowly, or by mixing drugs with booze. Bottom line: if you feel your life is crap, change it; make it want you want. You don't get a second audition in life...and when the curtain comes down, the theater is dark. Permanently. Make up your mind to enjoy what you have, and what you can aquire. Independent of others.
Good luck to you; give yourself a couple of months. Post when things improve. | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/7/2008 12:57:19 PM | Hi There...
I am reaching out to you to tell you that although you don't believe it right now - it will get better. My 23 year marriage broke up 7 years ago, I was unemployed at the time, my ex cleaned out my bank accounts, credit cards, etc and I had two kids. He took our money and gave it to his new girlfriend to buy a house then she kicked him out a month later. I remember that it hurt to breathe - I was in so much pain. But...I got up every morning , brushed myself off and went on - knowing and believing that my life would get better. It is hard - I had set backs - sometimes I thought I couldn't go on.
What you are going through is grief. I remember a moment when I was in counselling that I said that divorce is worth than a death because when someone dies it is God's will but when someome leaves you it is a choice they make - they are gone from your life just like when someone dies. Allow yourself to grieve. There are seven steps to grieving - you cannot move forward until you go through them all. Ask your doctor.
Never give up! This is just a bump in the road - one day you will see that but only if you have the strength and courage to go down the road. God Bless & Good Luck! | |
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| Feel that there is no reason for me to live
Posted: 4/7/2008 1:58:19 PM | | You know i can really relate to what you're saying and a lot of feelings i have flood my heart and head as i read your post. I just think back to Thanksgiving when I tried to go thru with the suicide thing. I want to let you know that it will get better. And the day will come that you will wonder what you were thinking about and I’m here to let you know it will. not to say you might feel that same way the day after. I’ve finally gotten my medication adjusted so that I’m better but it has been a hard battle and there are days that I have some feelings going on but the thing is that there will always be tomorrow and there is hope that what I’m looking for is possible to find. I will share a lot more with you but it will have to be by e-mail don’t really know how the posting thing goes and what I will share is very personal but I want you to know that you’re not alone and don’t give up. | |
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