| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 4/7/2008 3:44:51 AM | hi everyone
I recently suffered the worst break up of my life. I met a girl that agreed with all of my views, was really just my type, as well as being very kind and cute. She really thought I was the cutest, sweetest guy she had ever met too. We had known eachother for a month and it was a very happy month. We spoke by AIM and telephone due to living in conjoined states, myself in Cal, PA her in Baltimore MD. We talked about all kinds of cuddling, kissing, and beyond during a meeting this summer. But then, all of a sudden things fell apart. She had a "talk" with me about some things that bothered her. First of all she didn't have a car and could not see her parents going along with the idea of us meeting anyway. She is the kind to show her affection physically by hugging and the like. For her, a long distance thing would be too painful she says. The troubling part is that we did care about eachother alot! Also, and they ALWAYS think it but NEVER tell me even if I ask, she said she was talking to me too much.
Because of my rather quick emotional attachment, I felt pretty bad and cried the better part of the next day when we decided it best to end it. I was up until five in the morning and we were both on the phone crying at one point. I have never had a succesful relationship, and it may be because of events in my childhood that made me feel left out and love starved (home schooling from 6th grade on). I develop bonds too quickly and am dashed when they break. I feel a big empty void where my heart is that I can't think of how to fill it. I just know that this would happen again even if I did find someone similar who agrees with me on tricky issues like religion for example , I feel that the cycle of getting to know, then being dashed, would repeat itself again. I was so sure things could work and now I'm heartbroken. I'm scared to love again but desperately need it. I need counceling for my issues I mentioned , but my folks are too darn stubborn to accept that fact. I feel lost; someone help. I need advice. I hope you all have some :'( | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 4/7/2008 5:28:19 AM | Ok, honey, listen to me. I'm going to tell you what I tell my own 18 year old son.
At 18, no one has ever had a successful relationship. The teen years are full of these short-lived things. By the time most of us are 18, we had fallen in "love" a million times and had our hearts broken just as many times. I'm not making light of how you are feeling right now, because I know from experience that it's very real. I'm just trying to make you see that this isn't the end of the world. It's just part of growing up, and at 18 you still have a lot of that left to do.
As you grow older, you will learn to reserve "real" feelings of love for very special people, and for situations that aren't doomed from the beginning. A long distance relationship would be impossible for me, at 40...I can't see any way that two teenagers could successfully have one.
I know exactly how that big void in your heart feels. You don't have to try to fill it right away, and you probably shouldn't try to fill it just now. Let it heal before you meet someone new, otherwise you are just going to fall hard and fast for the next girl that pays attention to you, whether she's good for you or not.
The events of your childhood don't have to cripple you for life. You were kept from much socializing as a child, but you can fix that now. Join a volunteer group, a club related to an interest you have, a singles group at your church, anything that interests you. Do SOMETHING that gets you out and socializing with other people your own age. You need to learn to develop casual relationships before you can make the jump into serious ones.
I know you don't believe me now, but one day there will be someone wonderful in your life, someone who will be a good match, including geographically. When you do decide to start searching again, keep your search relatively close, geographically for awhile. Like within 25 or 50 miles. That will make it more possible for something to develop and last.
Even if you don't like country music, I want you to find and listen to Brad Paisley's "Letter to Me." It's about all the things he'd say to himself if he could go back in time and talk to himself at 17. It's a great song. Seriously, listen to it, there's a lot of wisdom in it.
Keep your chin up, you won't feel this way forever. | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 5/15/2008 6:19:58 PM | | Just got a lil advice. First I don't agree with that second post that most people have had their heart broken by the time their 18. For some it takes a lil longer. I think you may need some counseling but not for a broken heart. No offense but I think 4 a lot of people counseling would help. I feel your dwelling on this relationship too much and it was all over the phone and internet. The best thing to do would be to find a good guy friend or group of friends. Your main goal would be to look for chicks every day. Even if their out of your league. The more practice the better. 18 is a fun time in ones life and eventually you will realize the girl for you is right there in your home town waiting to for you to grab her attention. | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 5/15/2008 7:32:29 PM | Lookin4lub makes good sense. Anyone who has been in love early realizes that it hurts to break up. But remember that it also feels great to fall in love and be in love. Get with your friends, go out and socialize. If you see someone that turns your head, TRY.
by the time I was 18, I broke up with a girl after 2 years of a great relationship. At the beginning, I was a mess. But that goes away. It goes away faster if you get back in the game. Also, don't attach an age to when you should find the perfect match. She'll be there when she gets there.
And find someone you can talk to in person and touch without having to make arrangements for an all-day affair. That will do more for your relationship than anything. | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 5/16/2008 12:09:29 AM | | I am so sorry about your break up. The bad ones always include the physical heart ache. Your mind cannot turn it off. It sucks, its the worst. I know...more than once. But it takes about three months to really start feeling yourself again. Where daily, something will make you think of her and the heart will twinge, or tears will burn your eyes. But after about 12 weeks you begin to think less about it. Your daily life will have taken over and it will keep you busy, so until one day you wont think about her at all. Only on occassion when it will cross your mind and you will suprise yourself by realizing that you had not thought about her in a while. Im not saying forget, because you wont if it is true love. Maybe one day when your older, you will meet and start over as friends. Keep your chin you love, you are at the beginning of your adventure into adult love. It will be an adventure, enjoy it and have fun. | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 5/16/2008 1:37:28 AM | First of all.........rejection hurts everyone so you're not alone nor are you abnormal for feeling so bad.
The problem I see is that you feel that you get attached too fast and from reading your profile I see someone who puts too much out there too quickly and may be scaring people off before they even get to meet you. Perhaps the best solution for you would be to develop friendships first instead of jumping right into what you hope will be a life long commitment from someone you haven't even spent real time with. Get to know the person without moving in a romantic direction. If it eventually goes that way, so be it, but if not...you'll have obtained a good friend. I'd also remove some of what's in your profile that should be saved for personal conversation once you develop a friendship with someone.
The other thing I'd like to address is that you feel you need counseling but your folks won't accept that which I'll assume means they won't go along with helping you get it. If that's the case I'd suggest starting by talking to your counselors at school where you said in your profile you're attending. From there they can determine if they feel you need something more and send you in the right direction. Sometimes it's just a matter of maturing but understanding where you're at and why can make a difference in your life progressing in a positive manner or continuing to fall into the same pattern leaving you feeling rejected and hurt all the time. Take steps to help yourself before you involve someone else in your life. You can do this.......Best of Luck!
At 18, no one has ever had a successful relationship. Tell that to my relatives who all met BEFORE age 18 and are still together at ages 81 through 92!  Ohhhh how the world has changed. : )
**About long distance.......... If it's meant to be it will be and neither time nor distance will stop that from happening IF both people mutually want it to happen. (and that's the key)
I know many successful "once long distance" relationships that have survived and are doing well. The heart knows no distance.  | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 5/16/2008 5:43:52 AM | I agree with counseling. It would seem to me you are looking for someone to fill a need. Someone to validate you. Seek fulfillment in yourself and relationships will be a plus in your life not a necessity. Relationships are hard at any age, but teens have this need to be with each other on a steady basis for some reason...... Long distance is hard for anyone. It requires time and money to keep it going. Phone calls and texting are not sufficient. They rarely work. I am sorry for your pain.
If you are in school got to your advisor. Most schools have counseling services. My grandson suffers from social anxiety and is in his first year of college. He saw a school coundelor once a week, and it got him through. Work on yourself at the moment. By the way....also in Pa. so I know the service are available free of charge to students.
Good Luck | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 5/16/2008 6:16:55 AM | Hello ninetailfox89,
Firstly I read your profile, And read all the replys. One in particulare was very good with a lot of very sound advice, I think it was the last one I read,
Sweetheart you are so very young and at the very start of you life, I am at the other end. :-)
Your emotions and your views will chang over and over again, Untill you reach what is right for you,
My son was married at 19yrs young, I did every thing I could to stop it, He still went ahead, he is now 40yrs old and divorced it has cost him deerly in emotions and finacialy, We are English and He married a German girl, come see come sahh, this things happen,
It pays to keep an oppen heart and mind, But also it pays to aerr on the coutious side, As you mature and level off , I hope you keep your sensitivity, Very few men do,
I know you are hurting at this moment in time, But It will past, Life is like a rollercoster, its the ride of your life, only you can make it a good one or a bad one,
But you just hang on, It can be such a fantastic ride, Mine has been a very rough ride but still not one I would have missed, The advice give by the last person I do appologise I cannot remember her name ( I now have the memory of a fruit fly ) Was very sound indeed re do you profiel darling, keep a lot of what you have said privat, wait untill you are with some one face to face, I know you dont belive in this but I still do it by young man and may the good Lord bless and keep you safe, 
Appologise for the rotten spelling :-) The advice came from Unzipped passion ( I went back for the name :-) .......) | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 5/16/2008 7:51:59 AM | It is hard to have a realtionship that is internet/phone based as too much of the relationship is surreal ... by surreal I mean your feelings and emotional needs are filled by your own imagination. This happens to best of us when there is actually a physical relationship. It is way to existance when it is without physical contact as you really do not have the personal chemistry and reaction to balance things and bounce things off of.
Yes, it hurts you found you're prefect love. Prehaps, and prehaps your prefect love was held within your fanasty and attached to a phone/internet. It is hard say -- but move on. I've had really good friends in this type of relationship ... the reality of it is you had/have a really good friend not a lover. Allow healing and learn lifes lessons and gain the strength to discern and move on. All things teach us if we're willing to listen to instruction. I hate to sound unfeeling -- but I'm coming out of a relationship that was for all practicial purposes like this -- in the end we had a friendship -- and after time to and the ability to go back -- we had a friendship. Read the Post the pain of the split. | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 5/16/2008 9:30:07 AM | Nobodies pain is as bad as yours. Nobody can understand what you are feeling.
That is called sympathy.
The truth is...we've ALL been there.
That is called life.
Welcome to the adult world...and the first steps of that living h*ll called adulthood.
there will be ups...and downs...and as you mature, you will be able to handle them better and better....and the quicker you learn, the more mature you will be.
Life is tough...but humans are tougher....and you seem like you will be a winner....so go for the gusto, and live your life!
Good luck. | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 8/30/2008 1:16:52 PM | You have a common problem. Many people walk around in this world with a deep emotional void within themselves. This is especially true for men or women who have recently had a relationship fall apart. The first person who comes along and has a kind word for them they fall in love - or so they think they do.
What they have is a neurotic infatuation. What is especially troubling about your post is apparently you didn't have or had very little physical contact with this person yet you developed this strong attachment. In fact, it was probably the intensity of your need for this woman that drove her away
Yes patterns of inappropriate behavior stem from childhood, but today you're a man. Nothing can be done about the past. You likely need a professional to help you to learn to deal with your loneliness and emotional void. Until you become a complete person and fill in this void, none of your relationships are going to work out.
The Eagle | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 8/30/2008 1:24:41 PM | This is NOT a break up; They never even met; can people stop coddling these dramatics? No wonder young people are so soft and can't handle anything in life without counseling or medications.
The worst break up of your life? You are 19 and you never met her! come on.
You need to also face reality. YOU DIDN'T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP! You never met, and you talked sweet talk on the phone. do you actually think you are the only one she talks to?
You do not need counseling, you need to stop romanticizing this like its romeo and juliet, and realize what it was. You are acting like you've lost the love of your life when all it was, was communicating with someone for 4 weeks online and via the phone. I do that with my accountant.
The internet is creating a generation that is extremely dysfunctional in regards to communication and relating to people. Again, date people close to you and stop the internet stuff especially when you know you are probably not going to even meet, let alone have a relationship. At 19 you are no where near ready to do anything like this emotionally. good luck. | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 8/30/2008 2:46:52 PM | Your still a kid sitting around moaning and groaning because WHAT? Why don't you go outside your back door(I am sure your parents back door) ...join a bowling league, softball league..hockey..(learn how to skate if you don't know how)...any thing..
But please.........please.......don't get all wacked out about an online friend who you spend hours talking about hugging and kissing; It's just not right... | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 8/30/2008 3:03:28 PM | O_o
Geez
I'd say eagle is the only new poster to give anything leaning towards encouragement. (thanks eagle).
I happen to know a couple that met online, live 600 miles apart, but saw eachother and made it work (after falling in love online). | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:57:30 PM | | I hope you are doing well now. I sense you have lots going for you based on what you wrote and what your profile says. You seem to know who you are and what you want. I suppose that by now you feel more wisened to situation you were faced with in April. Eagle was right on when he said you have things to fix about yourself first, the things you youself admit, before you can feel comfortable in a loving relationship. I wish you the very best Justin. :) | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 8/30/2008 7:04:27 PM | | From what you have said, I'll assume that you are in your late teens? I feel your pain and loneliness...if you have asked your parents for help, counceling, and they have refused, ask again. You also need to find self acceptance. I believe people look to others to "fill a void" in their lives, but that is a very heavy burden to place on another person...you need (in my opinion) to learn to love, accept, and rely on yourself first before looking for a relationship with another person...just so you know, I might have some experience, I raised two boys on my own who are now 29 and 30, which is why I felt compelled to send you a note...When you do talk to your parents again, or before you talk to them, try to write down the things you want to say...like a script...it will help you to have a clear plan, help you to remain calm...if you remain calm while speaking to them, it might help them to see how serious you request is...good luck...I'll check back... | |
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| Problem-need help and advice
Posted: 8/30/2008 7:04:40 PM | | From what you have said, I'll assume that you are in your late teens? I feel your pain and loneliness...if you have asked your parents for help, counceling, and they have refused, ask again. You also need to find self acceptance. I believe people look to others to "fill a void" in their lives, but that is a very heavy burden to place on another person...you need (in my opinion) to learn to love, accept, and rely on yourself first before looking for a relationship with another person...just so you know, I might have some experience, I raised two boys on my own who are now 29 and 30, which is why I felt compelled to send you a note...When you do talk to your parents again, or before you talk to them, try to write down the things you want to say...like a script...it will help you to have a clear plan, help you to remain calm...if you remain calm while speaking to them, it might help them to see how serious you request is...good luck...I'll check back... | |
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