| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:06:17 AM | | Had first phone conversation last night with a guy I've been emailing for ages. Emails have been great - warm, intelligent and interesting (and he can spell) and I was beginning to fall for him. But the phone call was a big let-down - he talked and talked (about himself mostly) and didn't come across as either that interesting or intelligent. I even wondered if he'd been getting someone else to do his writing! He emailed after the call to say he'd enjoyed talking to me but that he'd felt nervous. He's desperate to meet me but whereas I was certain before I spoke to him, I'm not sure if I want to now! He also lives a fair distance away. Do you think he maybe different in person and should I give him a chance? Has this happened to anyone else? Thanks! | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:27:29 AM | Some people just aren't that great at talking. I'm a better writer than I am a talker.
There's a type of communication called "I language." He's trying to let you know about himself, etc. Not all people communicate the same way.
He was probably nervous as hell too... and people tend to go for the known quantity when they're nervous.
This is the big downfall of 'net dating. Using myself as an example, I only wax eloquent in person if I'm not nervous. Otherwise, I have to make a conscious effort not to talk about myself, and to remember to ask questions about the other person.
You might keep that in mind. Good luck! | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 3:58:23 AM | You said he admitted to being nervous and that he talked and talked. Some people do that when they are nervous.
You said you were falling for him and that you were getting along great. I guess in my eyes if I felt that way about someone I would at least give it another try with the phone converstation to see how it goes. Mabye his nerves will calm down abit if you talk again.
Good luck! | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:15:13 AM | I've always found phone conversations to be a natural extension of emails, you get on okay with email then the phone convos just flow from that .
The difference between the two is of course that a phone convo is spontaneous, its there and then, an email you can think about and write what you think the other person wants to hear if you're that way inclined. As for being desperate to meet you, no disrespect, but why would anyone be desperate ?
Personally I couldnt see how if a phone call didnt work out a real life meet would, but if you've been chatting by email for a while I'd give it another try just in case it was nerves - just as long as the person doing the emails is the same one as is on the phone and is the same one you'd eventually meet.
good luck.  | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:18:50 AM | | If you were beginning to fall for him before even talking on the phone (let alone meeting him), then you probably had him built up to a point in your mind where it would have been a letdown no matter how the phone conversation went. | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 4:49:45 AM | I am also one of those people who is really bad on the phone. In email/IM I do fine, in person I am OK (after emails), but I can't hold a conversation on the phone at all.
I would look at this as a minor setback, but not as a showstopper. | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:23:19 AM | Personally, the telephone is my least favorite form of communication. Sometimes the connection prevents you/them from hearing when the other party wants to interject, or you/they are too nervous/fearful of silence on the line so you/they keep talking. Phone convos, I think are just plain difficult before you get a sense of their physical presence.
I got a chuckle out of the idea he may have had someone else write his emails. There really wouldn't be any point in that. You can edit emails/IMs before you hit send, which is probably what he does. If you have been talking with him for months, only you know if he is worth the investment of a meet. Consider weighing all the contact between the two of you, not just the one phone call.
Btw, he knew something was wrong because he admitted to being nervous, which shows he's attentive when his nerves aren't getting the better of him. Would it be too much to bring up your concerns in a follow-up email and discuss it? Some people are really just better at written communication rather than spoken and vice versa until you meet them. Just a few thoughts. Good luck in whatever you do.  | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:26:57 AM | falling in cyberlove is sooooo easy! but anybody who lets their emotions get involved before they have actually met a person is setting themselves up for failure.
meet the guy before you make up your mind. you still have to take into account his mannerisms, the way he walks, talks, his body language, his sense of humour, his dignity, attitudes to life etc...
do you want to be with a human being or someone who writes nice emails..? | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:27:36 AM | I have to admit that its happened to me and its such a let down. Although I usually give it a couple of chances before I make a decision.
Some people are more descriptive and literate in text then they are on the phone. The problem with that is that the voice on the phone is in actuality more important then how you can type to each other. I mean lets face it, a relationship isn't going to be based on emails but rather how the communication flows directly whether it be on the phone or face to face.
I've met men that were totally amazing in email and IM, only to get them on the phone and realize we have absolutely nothing to talk about. Its a bummer, for sure.. | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:32:32 AM | "do you want to be with a human being or someone who writes nice emails..?"
 That struck me as funny...But of course, it's whoever is writing those emails! tee-hee 
vvvvvvv *ROTF LOL* please stop... I'm never going to be able to go through with this online dating bit. *winks* | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 5:51:54 AM | Unless he said some things about himself you don't like I don't see much of a problem. Most guys are going to have problems with that first time talking, it really doesn't matter how many emails are sent before hand. It is kinda weird that he was able to talk quite a bit, usually I'm exactly the opposite in that situation, apparently he just babbles on like an idiot. Really there could be a chance someone else was writing for him, who knows it is the internet. I think it's more that he was really nervous and tried forcing conversation and ended up coming off as a moron.
Some guys can just write really well but it takes them awhile to get that talking thing down, I know I'm one of those guys and I'm sure I'm not alone. In my opinion give the guy a chance, I assume this phone conversation is as far as you've gone so far so it's not like you're in a relationship or anything yet. As things progress if your opinion that he's neither interesting or intelligent seems to be true then you'd have every reason to end it. Before that though you could just be jumping the gun and possibly overreacting to him being a little nervous to talk to someone he obviously likes. | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 6:00:40 AM | Dear OP,
I say....dump him....
I mean the guy wrote great emails and you liked him very much, but then became this total loser that got nervous on the phone...
...and in the future...my advice is, better dump anyone else to that you start to like, that emails you, much quicker....
...of course that may mean you end up old, bitter and alone.....
.....hey wait!....I got an idea.....try hitting on telemarketers....they don't get nervous on the phone....
...and neither do players...
Good luck...and I hope you can find somebody that doesn't let you down so bad....problem is...when it's yourself that letting yourself down and yourself doesn't have a clue that yourself is doing it, yourself ends up posting threads like this.
I am the Mushroom and I approved this message. | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 6:06:54 AM | | Maye he is thinking the same thing about you, Maybe you were a huge disappointment to him on the phone also. But maybe he just chalks it up to you being nervous and decided to give you a chance with a face to face meeting. Him understanding just how weird this non face to face thing can be at times. | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 6:19:27 AM | Writing and conversation are two different worlds. Some use whats termed "body language" to express what they are saying. A phone conversation can not bring this forth. I would say that he was nervous and wanted to express himself and his worth.
Seems you brought this forth in basic form above.
You expressed that you enjoyed the other communication, sooooo, give him another chance, just food for thought.
Distance, well if you truly limit yourself thinking you will find true love and a companion close by, around the block or whatever, good luck as Love has no boundaries.
It is possible, but why limit yourself?
All the best, John. | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 6:25:37 AM | this thread got me thinking about someone i met a couple of years ago... he lived in scotland, i was in norfolk.
he wrote the most beautiful emails, he wrote poetry and songs for me, he told me stories, we spoke on the phone for hours every night. he made me laugh, he made me think, our values and aspirations were in tune, we even (and this bit makes me cringe...) went on the internet, him in his house and me in mine, and looked at houses that we would want to share one day....
then, he surprised me (take that as horrified me...) by just turning up out of the blue when he knew i was having a weekend away with my brother.
what a funny looking little man... lol. jesus, whats a girl supposed to do in situations like this...? it was bloody awful. in person i didn't fancy him at all!!! he walked funny, his facial expressions were ridiculous, he was a miser and dressed strange! he looked absolutely nothing like that beautiful serene sensitive man in the pic.
well, i felt obliged to continue... i'm not shallow (much) and thought that as we had so much in common, i would get past his odd little quirks. well i didn't and ended the relationship and he turned into a total freak bordering on being a stalker.
and he is still lurking around somewhere, occassionally raises his peculiar head and sends me emails, poems, songs etc....
weird man, made me very aware that cyberlove doesn't exist and now all the emails and telephone calls in the world will not get me involved on anything but a very surface level.
the vetting process starts one the man is physically standing in front of me. until then he is just not real. | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:39:29 AM |
manhandle007 ....the vetting process starts one the man is physically standing in front of me. until then he is just not real.
That's how I am with females.
I wouldn't worry so much about vetting as getting yourself to the nearest vet or doctor to have them take a look at those horrible growths on your stomach.....they really have us worried about you...
Don't worry.... I heard about this new thing called a "shirt" that might help hide your deformity from the public until you can get some medical assistance.
Please don't wait...we are all worried about you. | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 7:54:29 AM | Unless you just can't get the phone call out of your head -- tell him to drink a glass of wine and give it another shot. It's not going to cost you much to invest another 20 minutes, and by doing so, you can answer the question in rl, as opposed to here, online. Whatever, resolve your negative feelings before driving to meet.
amanita muscaria: I'm guessing you don't have abs :-) | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:09:38 AM | I've had this happen with two men who turned out to be real sweeties when we met. Meet for a quick cup of coffee...tell him your time is limited....just in case! As stated above, not everyone is great on the phone. He probably had high hopes after "emailing for ages" which probably made him even more nervous. Good luck.
Rose Mary | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:22:14 AM | there are 3 stages to internet dating - emailing, phoning, meeting. Each one of these is a 'start from scratch' situation.
I've found there's a big difference in how I behave in all 3 situations - maybe it's because it uses a different part of the brain?
Also as you get closer to actually meeting the nerves can go up. I'm actually less nervous about meeting in person than I am about speaking on the phone - maybe because it's so easy to be understood on the phone as you're not there to match the words with expressions and what you say can be misinterpreted.
OP is suspect he is the guy who mailed you but I'm not sure you should meet him now. Women are highly stimulated by voice, moreso than men, and you've got clashing opinions. 'He's desperate to meet me' - if someone used that phrase to describe their point of view in regard to me I would immediately not be desperate to meet them! 'Should I give him a chance?' also indicates to me he's not the only one who's concerned only about themselves!
Only you can really decide if you should. Pity he's being judged so readily though, eh? | |
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| Phone call after loads of great emails a BIG disappointment!
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:44:39 AM | How 'fair' is a 'fair distance away'? If it is not too far, why don't you both agree to meeting half way? If it is over 2 hours away, and his phone call was really the 'sinker' for any consideration of a relationship, then call it done and just quietly fade away. I can assume nervousness played a huge factor in the phone call and maybe a second call would make or break the decision? If the second call still doesn't "rock your boat" then nothing is lost and you can both get on with your lives. I think explaining that you are not interested would be appropriate though. Life is living and learning - and maybe he needs to learn something for the next person he wishes to call.
Just my 2cents... | |
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