| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 4/9/2008 8:56:18 PM | Okay so this is a little weird for but I think I could use some advise/words of wisdom/encouragement and I wanted a woman's viewpoint on this.
A little over a year ago I was in a semi-serious relationship with a girl I had know since I was a child. We had dated previously but broke up (various reasons). A few months later we got back together and she ended up moving in with me becuase her parents where over-controlling and her father was abusive.
The relationship was good but she was still immature and that cuased problems for both of us. She told me she had been in love with me since I was 16 and I have to admit that blew my mind a little. Fast forward a little while and we end up getting into it, I leave the house so that things can cool down and when I come back she is gone. Turns out she called a guy she had been talking to on the net. Long story short she just married the guy a few weeks back.
Okay fast forward to my next relationship which lasted all of two weeks. It would take forever to explain the details but let's just say it includes the girl I was talking to, a female friend who ends up being closely tied into this other girl via her ex-husband who the girl I am talking to 'stole' from her. Both of the women (friend and girlfriend) end up using me to hurt the other one and in the end I am single. (this is the short/very condensed version).
Fast forward a year to present time. I have been having trouble talking to women since then and as much as I hate to admit it I think the above has a lot to do with it. I can get numbers, talk on the phone, even go out on a date but it never goes any farther . Lately it's like as soon as I start to talk to someone and kind of read their personality I just run through the whole potential relationship and doom it from the start. My confidence is down and I honestly don't want to invest time, energy, or money into a relationship becuase I think in the end it will be a waste.
Don't know what kind of responses I am looking for but I figured it wouldn't hurt to post this up. | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 4/9/2008 9:00:03 PM | It should be obvious that I'm not a girl, but nonetheless, I feel compelled to respond. I won't say much more than that there are lots of people in this world, and that many of them are deceitful. I suggest you keep your confidence up, understand that you probably didn't really do anything to cause this issue, and find someone worthy of your trust. Try taking things slowly the next time, and get out if they aren't ok with that.
Best wishes. | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 4/9/2008 9:06:38 PM | Yeah I agree with you but it's more of a sub-concious type of thing.
Maybe I am more selective now and don't realize it.
I just wanted to post this because I never talk about it with anyone and I thought getting out might help.
Plus I will admit that the ex getting married a few weeks ago made me stop and think a bit.
John | |
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| You're a psycho magnet.
Posted: 4/11/2008 6:18:53 PM | *hugs*
Welcome to the club. We meet Monday after work to talk about what the crazy freaks in our life have done to us, people close to us, innocent bystanders, or their own people.
I'm sorry you are one, too. It has NOTHING to do with your personality. I promise. No matter what behaviours you change, the psychos will seek you out.
I went on a date with a guy who got so worked up within the first five minutes he lit the table on fire and ran off. (It wasn't even my personal table, just the one I sat at in the restaurant!)
My reccomendation: stick to online dating relationships for at least a month. I would stick to them longer if I had that love triangle type screw up thing going on.
After that, meet somewhere very public. That way the most she can do is light the table on fire or something similar.
While there is a possibility you are an enabler or you seek these people out, I'm going with my original evaluation.
Good luck | |
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| You're a psycho magnet.
Posted: 4/11/2008 6:42:38 PM | | Poster, it just says you are not ready to date yet...give yourself some more time...things look better after some time has passed. :) I wish you the best. | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 4/11/2008 7:29:08 PM |
semi-serious relationship with a girl
Allot of times we can look back on our relationships and learn from them. May be you need to look for a 'serious' relationship with a 'woman'? U also said she moved in with you because of her parents, not because she loved you. Allot of people get together because of the wrong reasons. And lucky U for not marring this girl.
Okay fast forward to my next relationship which lasted all of two weeks
U really can't categorize 2 weeks as a 'relationship'. Right??????
Take time to get to know your self, love your self and heal your owies. You will find your choice of women will change and you will be able to weed out the undesirables. | |
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| You're a psycho magnet.
Posted: 4/25/2008 8:41:46 PM | lol, these response was worth reading just for the comedy.
Not laughing at you, but I have to say having someone light a restaurant table on fire would be really, really funny (looking back of course).
Thanks for all of the advise everyone.
John | |
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| You're a psycho magnet.
Posted: 4/25/2008 9:06:18 PM | It sounds to me like you need some down time from a relationship. Maybe you should just date here and there or maybe just have some female friends to do things with without the pressure of a commitment. Thats what I had to do when I wasn"t ready and it really helped me.  | |
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| You're a psycho magnet.
Posted: 4/25/2008 9:15:25 PM |
I went on a date with a guy who got so worked up within the first five minutes he lit the table on fire and ran off. (It wasn't even my personal table, just the one I sat at in the restaurant!)
I don't know why the phrase "my personal table" cracks me up, but it does. Heck, I would have done whatever it took to have bought that table from the restaurant outright as a souvenir. I could tell about a dozen jokes right on the spot about you "lighting his fire," or how he must have "carried a torch" for you, or how maybe you reminded him of an "old flame..." but there's really so much fodder for it that it just kind of takes the fun out of it.
Anyway, OP, I really feel for you for what you've been through. I know it's far easier said than done, but try not to blame women on the whole because you've met a couple of whack jobs. I've seen folks screw up relationships with really decent guys/girls because they just couldn't get past that event in their past that soured them on the opposite sex. For now, I'd advise that you date, but just casually. Spend time with female friends and family (sisters, cousins, etc.) to rekindle your faith that not all women are soul-sucking hags. When you meet someone who makes you want to risk it all again, you'll know it. Until then, just take your time. | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 4/25/2008 11:16:50 PM | | So sorry to see someone so young get hurt so bad. In time it will heal. Sometimes it does take a while tho. Took me two years to get over my biggest heartache. Not sure what to suggest, maybe invest in friendships. You are still very young and have a lot of time to meet that special someone. Try not to hook up with those that have issues to begin with. Over controlling mother and abusive father, not a good start. I do understand how you feel. | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:12:21 AM | OUCH!
Thats a rough patch of relationships to have to deal with. So I think the first is just taking things slow. I have always been a firm believer in trusting your gut instinct. It's always the best judge of a situation. Once you start analyzing what your gut said and trying to talk yourself out of what you thought ..well time to move on and remember you were supposed to trust your gut instinct.
That aside ....some people are mean...some people are mean without intending to be. Relationships are hard work and the hardest part is making yourself vulnerable especially when you've been hurt several times already. The catch is ..you can't have true love if you don't put yourself in that position.
The ex getting married part is probably what brings this up now. It's always hard when you go through a break up and its always way harder when your ex ends up happy and you're still at the starting point wondering where to go. Take it a day at a time though ....look for lots of friendships and girls you like ..go on dates..don't get so serious about it right away. Just enjoy the first steps ...you'll know when to take it to something more. | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 6/9/2008 7:28:09 PM | owies aside,let's say a Canadian man,an American woman is their a chance in hell it would work?
One with No children,him with 2 children and the chances are?
Cross border shopping is how so many see their relationship.
would they be just *W almart* shoppers?
just questions in border crossings. | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 6/10/2008 1:29:13 AM | A few months later we got back together and she ended up moving in with me becuase her parents where over-controlling and her father was abusive. .....These are not good conditions with which to start afresh when it comes to reigniting a relationship. It appears this woman was using you for a place to stay.
How did both women end up using you? Did you also sleep with the so called friend of the using woman? If so then you only have yourself to blame. It's Your life and your choices.
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 6/10/2008 6:32:15 AM | AWWWW! Your story made my heart hurt 
There's lots of crazy horrible women out there... (believe me, my friend is stuck with one & I know his pain)... you were just unlucky enough to meet two of them! By my count that makes you due for a good one ;)
When you meet the right one, all of this will be part of your path to her and make it all that much better.
I know it's difficult, but you'll have to keep trying! Don't settle or give up and you'll find your match! Make sure to tell us of your updated happy story
(I just saw this thread is from a few months ago, hopefully it's getting better already!) | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 6/10/2008 7:26:24 PM | hi,
i think the fact that you acknowledge the ups & downs rather well in your relationship history is a good sign to a road of realization.....i don't know you at all but i sense that you're in a midway road sort of looking ahead but not acting too soon...not looking to settle right away but looking for something very meaningful.....
when you said: "My confidence is down and I honestly don't want to invest time, energy, or money into a relationship becuase I think in the end it will be a waste."
your quote there tells me that this preception runs thru your mind quite often or maybe you don't intentionally try to think it but you're wearing that inside and it ends up being carried along to your new dating "excursions"......
i think you're better off enjoying time for yourself and having fun for some time...not to say that you're not ready but just need to breeze out for awhile :)
take care. | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 6/10/2008 8:04:17 PM | -It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all
-Get back in the game
-Roll with the punches
-You win some, you loose some
-Some people are azz holes
(Psstt!!! I made the last one up by myself)
I am not really sure what to say to you. It is really unfortuate that there are people out there like this. In life you are going to meet some people that are worth knowing and you are going to meet some people that no one should ever have to meet. Just give it time and when you are ready you will find someone again. Take time to be by yourself and get to know yourself. Make sure you like who you are and the confidence will come in time.
-Time heals all wounds
(ok, that was the last one, it is cheesy, but so true) | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 6/10/2008 9:31:08 PM | Thank for the comments everyone.
I'm doing better, not really actively trying to meet anyone, just trying to be receptive to any potential relationships.
It's not all bad being single, and for the most part I enjoy it. I think I just missed all of the good point of being in a relationship and didn't bother to take notice of all of the good points of being single. I won't say that there aren't moments when I wish I had someone to share my life with but I've re-engaged in a lot of the activities and hobbies that I enjoy in the past few months and that has really helped me move past being single.
I've also severed some relationships with old friends who I let influence my mood and demeanor. I had to make some rough decisions about what was important to me and how much I was willing to pay to keep a lifelong friendship afloat.
Things are amazing, life is a million times better, and I see being single as an opportunity to invest in my personal success. I'm sure I'll run into someone amazing who grabs my attention, hopefully we're both ready for it when it happens.
John | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 6/11/2008 12:40:49 AM | Hi John. It sounds as if your heart and trust is somewhat shattered. It will take some time to gain back the strength in order to get yourself out there again. In the meantime, don't go beating yourself up because of how others choose to behave.
It's unfortunate that their choices have effected you. Maybe try looking at it this way; they're the ones with the long term problem. If this is how they engage in realtionships, then their lives will be one continuous mess after another.
Hang in there, chin up, smile and laugh. Spend time with your friends and enjoy yourself. Time heals, , , , ,,, really, it does. | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:56:25 PM | ah it's no wonder these new dates are not working out b/c after reading this post, you're going thru a very deep inner transformation....a "rebirth" in your life......out with the old in with the new....quite fascinating....you might find yourself gradually becoming a different person altogether in which your preferences will change too...
best of luck & peace :) | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:44:42 PM | i say just date around, have fun, and as the cliche goes, when you meet "the one", then you'll know...and still know that you WON'T always live happily ever after.
you're just not ready in a serious relationship in general, so might as well have fun with these girls, dates, whatevers, and let the trust build through your friendship.
i've gone through a break-up and i'll honestly never love the same way i did again, but we live and learn. take things as is and enjoy the moment. | |
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| Okay I think I need to advise/trying to get back on the horse.
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:11:05 PM | I think you probably just havent met someone you want to invest the time in. I think one of the big things that changes after you get hurt, is you kind of start to look at the person in front of you in more careful ways than you had looked at prospects in the past. I would say you are just more selective, and thats ok theres nothing wrong with that. However I would suggest if you do have a girl you have some remote interest in, give it a little bit of time. If you start to feel yourself retracting, and you dont know why force yourself to go out on one more date. It cant hurt anything and maybe getting to the point where you can open up and truly get to know someone will help you get beyond the first impressions that you could be looking too deeply into that are dooming and glooming your head.
Everyone gets screwed over from time to time, no big deal- theres bad apples all over the place, pick yourself up and move on. | |
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