| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/9/2008 8:59:03 PM | As a kid I was shy and hypersensitive. I've been working on getting over it all my life. I was extremely phobic when it came to guys and didn't have a serious boyfriend until I was 24. Since then I've done a ton of internet dating so I've pretty much nipped that phobia in the bud (yet still single, hmmm). Over the years I have become more and more talkative although I am still considered quiet. 
The problem is....I've always valued honesty and am proud to be what I consider 'real'.....so the more talking I've been doing has not been of the typical chit-chat type....it's more of the get-straight-to-the-point type. Logically this doesn't seem like a bad thing at all....but over the last few years I've started saying pretty crappy  things which after I think about it I totally change my mind and regret having said it.
This has become a major problem in dating. Last week I went on a second date with a guy I was interested in (woohoo!  ) although not exactly fireworks. We went to a concert and didn't really have a chance to talk much at all until the way home. I had been drinking wine (a bit too much for sure  ) and proceeded to verbally rip the poor guy apart. 'You don't dare to be who you really want to be!' and 'do you even think philosophically about life?', I said.  He could hardly fit a word in edgewise when I just stormed out of the car slamming the door...leaving him without even saying goodbye. The next day, the more I thought about it the worse I felt. He was flawless, other than...ironically....he was a bit shy....and I tore him up for it.
This is not the first outburst I've displayed.  There have been many...happening more often now.
Help! I want my sensitive self back!  I'm afraid counseling wouldn't even do the trick (would it?). Has anyone heard of this type of thing? | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:10:47 PM | I think counseling sounds like a good idea, and is drinking a common theme in this type of scenario for you? Drinking def lowers inhibitions, and not just sexual ones. My brother-in-law was a very sweet guy until he started drinking, then he turned into a real a$$hole.
To answer your question have I heard of this sort of thing, yes. I was the shy girl turned loudmouthed biotch. LOL, the first step is admitting you have a problem :-)
You'll be fine, just apologize to the poor guy and move on. | |
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stacj
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Joined: 6/27/2007
Msg: 4 | |
| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:21:44 PM | Looks like there will not be a 3rd date huh?
You admit you have a problem with your mouth so that’s a good thing. Maybe you should not drink when on a date because by what you said the drinking makes you open your mouth a bit to much. I think you were very rude to the guy not only by your mouth but also slamming the door, not saying thank you or goodbye. You have never had anyone do to you what you do to others have you? It’s not a good feeling and the other person doesn’t always deserve it. A good does of your own medicine may do the trick! But definitely step away from the alcohol and you may find your old self again. | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:21:52 PM | Perhaps you are infact projecting the feelings you have about yourself onto others. Unless something life changing has happened I cannot understand how you could go from being sweet to a ****. Yes, confidence can develop but not nastiness.
Counselling does work if you find a good person, however be prepared to take the time and honesty required to get to the root of the problem.
Until you do, I suggest you do not drink - it obviously brings out the ugly side in you. | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:36:10 PM | I was just going to say get counselling and yes it will help a great deal. Im no therapist but what I think I am hearing is called projection - u r projecting the flaws u hate in yourself onto another person and abusing them for it. You won't be able to fix that on your own too easily. | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/9/2008 10:59:55 PM | you: [I've been working on getting over it all my life] sounds like goal accomplished
but now :[but over the last few years I've started saying pretty crappy things which after I think about it I totally change my mind and regret having said it. ] the last few YEARS? and it bothers you now.
this is what has me curious since everyone else seems to have trouble with it :[Since then I've done a ton of internet dating so I've pretty much nipped that phobia in the bud ] I thought this type of dating was very hard.
you: [Help! I want my sensitive self back!] don't worry, she'll make a return engagement, when you stop internet-dating? seems you've picked up a defensive attitude, a defense mechanism. | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:02:07 PM | I think you may be counter-dependent. A lot of women are running around out there thinking that they're independent, but really, their just angry at men... or something. They still have this drive to be with a man, but can't.
I wouldn't appreciate behavior like this on a date... it's immature - sounds like a little 16yr old spoiled brat to me. | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:26:00 PM | at least you have the intelligence to admit a problem and not in denial about it.
then you have the courage to share your problem with the world on here...and want to do
something about it whereas others might justify such destructive behavior.
yes...i would give counseling a try. what have you got to lose??? maybe some reading on your own too? otherwise your insecurities will continue to sabotage any and all
relationships at any level..
good luck.... | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 12:29:28 AM | Personally I think You just need some serious attitude adjustment, not a shrink.Putting things into perspective should help. Seems to me that you developed a "chip on the shoulder". AND you must be confused. AND I do mean really confused. Just because a guy doesn't throw his weight around, it does NOT mean that he can't. Just because he is nice it does not mean that he could not make you feel REALLY small and insignificant. But he DOES NOT want to. Why?
He is NOT suffering from superiority complex, or insecurity, which makes people think that they must assert themself, to be seen as a strong person. Nothing could be further from the truth. Looks to me that somewhere along your dating somebody ripped into you, and now you have the thinking"I will get them BEFORE they get me" SO now some unsuspecting innocent guys pay for what somebody else did.
The question is (non sarcastic) HOW IS THAT WORKING FOR YOU?
I seriously doubt that you need to find your " MATCH". But that is how it sounds like, a challenge. There is nothing good would come out of it. You would be looking for what ever is left from your self esteem for months to come.
Obviously you have some issues to deal with, otherwise it is going to continue, even escalate as you are getting more and more frustrated with the results. When you have inner peace you will become pleasant, nice again. Which is more important BEING RIGHT or BEING HAPPY?   | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 12:41:34 AM | This is not the first outburst I've displayed. There have been many...happening more often now.
Help! I want my sensitive self back! I'm afraid counseling wouldn't even do the trick (would it?). Has anyone heard of this type of thing?
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Normally people's maturity level improves with age. So I must ask, are you sure you were such a nice sweet sensitive young lady? I think if you asked some of your friends and family, THEY WOULD GET HONESTLY HONEST (flapping your gums is not "being honest", its talking too much). And tell you what you are like...
Yes counseling will really help, it helps those who want help. you might also seriously consider quiting drinking. (I see now most others mentioned this). Alchoholics often say things they regret, have relationships problems, and "for some reason don't understand why". Or, get mad and deny there is a problem. | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 2:15:59 AM | Yeh, but look at all the attention your getting....
Hopefully you won't excuse yourself as "just one incident".
Get some bloody help. Before you leave more "human wreckage in your wake".
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 5:47:50 AM | i'm both shy and a b*t*h....i'm shy when it comes to opening up and getting to know new ppl for a long time...then if i'm having a bad day or surtan topics will piss me off enough...
examples:
shy = becoming a mouse in social situations or have aneixty attacks around new ppl
b*t*h = talking about sex in any mannor or constuive critisizm cause i will not tolerate anyone telling me i need to fix surtan part of my life or profiles...they need to get over it i won't change for no one but myself | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 6:16:52 AM | I think that all the people jumping on the alcoholism bandwagon should slow down (and have a little something to take the edge off ).
OP, you mentioned that this wasn't the first outburst that you've displayed. Have the others been when you've had a "bit too much" to drink, or did they also occur when you were sober? If this happens mostly when you're on the bottle, then there's the problem. If not ....
I'm wondering if you didn't unknowingly but purposefully sabotage the date with your comments, perhaps so you wouldn't get rejected (again, it seems). You mention still being single, and from someone who also considers himself "real" and can unwittingly shoot his mouth off at any given moment, I know how putting your foot in your mouth can potentially ruin an otherwise great date. You also mentioned that the guy was "flawless," sans the shyness, so maybe you were intimidated by this seemingly great guy and chose to reject him on a subconscious level, in which case there might be some self-esteem issues going on.
Take it as you will. I'm an armchair psychologist who got his degree watching reruns of Frasier. | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 6:21:47 AM | No, I don't think you want to go back. At least, not all the way. If you did, you would.
There is a happy medium. The trick is to find a way to maintain the sensitivity you had from the beginning, as well as maintaining your own learned self-confidence, self-respect, and dignity. Basically, use all those tools together to be able to stand up for yourself, but to do it politely and respectfully...even if you are not treated in that manner yourself. Use the inner beyotch to protect yourself from the cruelties in the world that can damage your inner sensitivity. Use your sensitivity to protect others from your own inner beyotch. It can be done...trust me on this.
If your "outbursts" continue, and are beyond your control, there may be a real reason behind it. If you determine that they are, I would definitely recommend that you see a doctor or therapist, definitely check into the possibility of bipolar disorder.
Also, ask yourself why you would want to sabotage a relationship with someone you were interested in. | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 6:34:47 AM | Just because everyone looks cool drinking on the commercials doesnt change the fact that alcohol is a toxin. It is also a depressant. Dont drink, it is not good for you, it fills your system witth poisons and you now know that drinking makes you behave differently than you would normally. Use your brain, you are a nasty drunk, or a nicer way to say this is, alcohol does not do good things for you.
Some people can drink and be charming and funny, I have never met any of those people. I dont drink and often meet up with a group that does, it is like watching intelligent people become stupid. I just dont see why people drink, it tastes bad, it makes you stupid, if you drive you can be thrown in jail, it is high in calories, not good for the liver and again, makes you do things that are extremly stupid.
Try water and an apology | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 6:52:58 AM |
Use your brain, you are a nasty drunk, or a nicer way to say this is, alcohol does not do good things for you.
Tsk, tsk Betterlate. Shame on you for being so judgmental! How can you sit there and call the OP a "nasty drunk" when all she gave us was a few paragraphs of a complex problem and only ONE verifiable incident where alcohol was actually involved!? Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe the alcohol was a coincidence and that this poor woman actually has a psychological problem that isn't booze?
Let's open our eyes (ie. read the bloody posts) and our minds. | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:04:15 AM | I think it could also stem from frustration of being a late developer in the relationship department. Are you happy with your life at the moment and do you love yourself? I felt bad about myself when a relationship and a job went sour, and began to wonder was it me? When I went back to study, I realised that people liked me for me and that maybe it was the others who were jerks.
I now have a new respect for myself and in turn I respect other people. Maybe you were feeling a bit nervous as well as some people tend to display nervousness through being sarcastic. Try to relax and develop a positive attitude. I'm sure there's a guy out there for you. | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:13:18 AM | Hello there friend. I thought I was reading about my own past - except for the internet dating part, which wasn't around when I was young and that I still can't get the hang of.
I say don't worry about it, this is a process of self discovery. Our personalities are not as simple as reality shows portray, and even after all is said and done, our culture still doesn't like honest, strong women. Too bad, we're here.
Was one of your parents intimidating or controlling? That's what made me painfully shy as a child.
Just remember what you put out there in the world somehow always comes back to you.... a little self control and a lot of kindness is always good.
I can drink and still watch what I say... AND if a man is worth his salt he can see past anger and frustration and will still care about you.
Conselling is very helpful but finding a good one that you can afford is the challenge.
Best wishes
s | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:21:10 AM | A lot of good advice here already, and I just have to second this: counseling -- if you go in with an open mind, are really interested in discovering why you do the things you do and then making changes in your behavior, and find a very good therapist -- can be life-altering. I would highly recommend it. But you have to be open to discovery, and to being honest with yourself about how you approach your life, dating, men, and sure drinking as well. While you're trying to figure this out, I'd just stop drinking if I were you. You can still have fun without the alcohol, and you'll give yourself the un-alcohol-influenced space you may need to figure out what else, if anything, is going on.
As far as the guy, I'd say we don't know enough to know whether you've lost all chance with him. If you've had some deep, introspective conversations with him already, I would try a heart-to-heart about what you're trying to learn and change about yourself, but only AFTER a very genuine apology for your rude behavior. You may have lost this one, but use whatever you can learn from the experience to change your future pattern of behavior.
Good luck, from all of us who got our counseling degrees from re-runs of frasier! | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 7:57:46 AM | OP
Realize that everything you say and do is a choice.
You are choosing to sabatoge potential love.
You answered your own question about counseling.
Because you have made a decision that it won't help.
You can chose to do things differently if you think before you
speak or act.
And when you are ready for counseling, it may help,
but not if you are not ready to get help.
You are abusive. Realize this and chose differently. | |
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| From shy to complete bitch. Help! I want to go back!!
Posted: 4/10/2008 8:13:15 AM | Thanks so much for all the comments! Especially from those trying to help.
As far as that guy goes......I did email and call him to apologize immediately the next day but, not surprisingly, had to leave a message. I did feel really bad and still do. He was kind enough to email me back and was open minded and respectful about the whole thing. He did not completely shut the door on hanging out again but it may very well be just as friends if at all. His response really shows what a great guy he is and made me feel almost worse.
Now for the drinking....I know the problem would decrease immensely if I were to quit drinking, but I still think the problem would be there and in fact I bet I would be much less likely to address it if that makes sense. If you see cancer under a microscope you don't just quit looking through the microscope and figure, walla! Problem solved!
I do have similar situations when I am not drinking although they are not nearly as ugly.
The two posts that hit the nail on the head were, the one which thought maybe I was intimidated by meeting a great guy and unconsciously sabbatoged it and the gal who surprisingly asked if I had an intimidating parent. I would say it was definitely a combination of those two.
I think my lack of self esteem I get from a parent. I am aware of it and working on it. I have an otherwise great relationship with my parents. We will be traveling together for almost 4 weeks in May. We'd better be able to get along!
I really don't think it's anything as severe as bipolar. I think I just need to re-train my brain to think about others. I know I care about others. I think I just get stuck in my own head worrying about my own problems. Does anyone know any tricks that might work? Book to read? I'm not looking to delve into the past anymore. I have done that. I think I know where the problem stems. I need to take action.
Thanks again! I wondered if anyone would care to respond! I so appreciate your words! | |
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