| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 9:12:04 PM | I've been on a handful of dates so far, and I've noticed that when the woman pays for the meal, it's as if they're showing appreciation but also their way of saying, "thanks, but no thanks". I prefer to meet someone first before going out on a real date, and I normally I'd go halfsies but I end up paying for both drinks myself (my choice). I've noticed that the next time or so, the woman would pay for their share of the meal, yet they would not want to continue going out with me. Is this their way of paying me off? Let me break it down... (and for once I won't be the one analyzing here..)
1. Met once for a bite, enjoyed the date thoroughly, talked for hours and didn't want to stop. She offered to pay for her share but I insisted on covering both meals. We ended it with a few kisses and agreed to go out again. Next date was dress up, and I bought her flowers. Had a nice dinner and more fun conversation. I went to the bathroom and when I came back she had paid for both of our meals. We kissed more at the end of the date, then went our own ways (I didn't expect anything more). After her busy week and not being able to spend a measly 15 minutes talking to me on the phone, she gives me some story about her best friend wanting to marry her but knowing he can't because she's so busy.
2. Met a girl for lunch and had great conversation. She was nice enough to pay the tip from two fish lunches (and she paid more than 20% for the tip too, impressive). But after saying she was too busy to chat for a while I never heard from her again.
3. Met an older woman at a diner for coffee, and the great things are that we both play keyboards, enjoy old prog-rock music, (Genesis, Yes, Kansas, etc), enjoy dumb movies. We hit it off, snuck a few smooches before the date, and she tells me I can call her anytime, even in the middle of the night (which I never would do, because even I would want my time to sleep). I talk to her on the phone to coordinate hanging out Saturday, and she goes ahead and decides to work Saturday.
4. Met a girl recently to have dinner and talk (still a meeting and not a date). I seemed a little out of her league (less classy) than her, yet she seemed interested by asking a lot of questions, which I liked. Nice, breezy conversation and funny stories, and I felt good being seen with someone like her. At the end of our date at The Cheesecake Factory she gave me a $20, and I have her $7 change because of the difference in her meal and what she paid. Before that happened I asked her what inspired her to join a dating site, and she said"I don't know" a few times. At that point I realized things would go nowhere, and the past experiences recently made me think, "Is this another payoff?"
What are your thoughts? I'm beginning to think that,afterall, maybe this is a good sign in that I can find out right away what the other person thinks without having to guess for days. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 9:32:07 PM | | I could see why you'd think that they were trying to 'pay you off'; and believe that probably some of them were doing such. It's really a case by case bases though, I mean I paid for dinner and was really interested in the guy but he never contacted me after it so I guess it depends on the person. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 9:35:40 PM | | Here's a thread you should visit. I think it will help you understand why many women (including those that ARE interested in you) want to pay their way on the first meet. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:07:04 PM | Its all dependant on the woman and Im sure confusing for you, sometimes I pay because I dont want him to think I am using him, sometimes its because I dont want to see him again and dont want it to have cost him anything, other times it would be because I liked him and dont want him to think I expect him to pay for everything. I know it all comes down to communication etc, but I dont think you can really pinpoint why we do this or that, each lady is different and her motives for different reasons...sorry.  | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:16:09 PM | And each situation is different, too.
A friend of mine went out with a guy for a few times, he insisted on paying, and then he stopped calling. When they met at a party, she asked him, why he didn't call back, he told her it was because she was ungrateful, and usually women her age would jump in bed with him right away. (she was 45 at the time, and he's in his late 40s). Makes you wonder, why he's still single?
BTW, she is now married to a guy 15 years younger than her! | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:32:03 PM | Ok, so are there rules when it comes to paying for the first meet? I'd rather do my share and her do her share, but after that if there's a real dare I'd like to pay. At that point, if the woman pays, is it generally assumed that she has no interest and is being polite by paying her way out of it? I forgot to mention that I feel if a woman asks me out, then she would generally pay for the meal, although if I feel a connection, I would want to pay. Even that's tricky.
Also, I really do appreciate all the feedback as this bridges the gap between what I know about how women think . :) | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:44:21 PM |
If I insist on paying the tab it is because I felt no spark and am sorry for wasting the mans time.
What if the guy feels the same way? Kind of wierd but I always consider the person that does the inviting is the one that should pay and anything else is an insult. But if ladies want to argue about it I say we both make a mad dash for the door and go without paying at all. Or I suppose if the lady insists, I think I will order seconds and maybe a round of drinks for the whole place on her. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:01:06 PM | | Man do I feel 20 years older than I really am. Or maybe I have been watching too many old movies. I always pay the first date. I try to make it somewhere not too pricy though. Sorry no surf and turf on the first date. LOL I figure that if I can go to a restaurant without crazy straws in the drinks and watch a movie that’s not a cartoon with a woman who is interesting and can carry a conversation with me, than I got what I paid for. Even if it doesn’t work out for a second date, it was worth it. It would be nice for her to offer to pay once during the date though. If more dates come from it, I wouldn’t mind if she pay once and a while. It’s only fair. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:01:27 PM | There are a lot of women who use an offer to pay as a test. If you take her up on it, she figures you're cheap. If you've been falling for that, it's too bad, but mostly for them.
What I'd do, when she offers to pay, is make a joke out of it. "Now, you aren't doing this just to see how cheap I am, are you? Let me tell you how cheap I really am. I only picked this place because I'm friends with the owner and he never lets me pay. So, you might just want to hang on to that."
Of course it's BS and she'll know it, but it's all how you handle the awkward moment. You only have to pass that test once.
Me? If a woman tests me like that I'm more than happy to get thrown back. I like a woman who says what she means and means what she says. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:20:23 PM | Okay... here's the way I see it: I very rarely OFFER to pay for the first date. Made the mistake of doing that once and I was stuck with a $100.00 bill even though the place & what we ordered were ALL HIS suggestions. I'm not going down that road again. When the server asks if the check is together or separate I'll offer up separate from the get go. I don't mind going 50/50 on the first date at all but I must admit I'm more impressed if the guy offers to pay for the whole bill the first date. And from there I'll not only be even more willing to pay 50/50 and insistent upon that but am almost 100% guaranteed to offer to pay the next time for the whole bill. I guess the reason I don't offer to pay for the first bill is because I know my self-worth and I know that if a guy sees the same in me he'll be happy to have gotten to spend that time with me & won't mind paying for the bill. PLUS, I know what he's got coming down the road for him... THIS IS BY NO MEANS MEANT SEXUALLY... just that I'm planning on totally spoiling my man monetarily, emotionally, physically, etc. And I'm sure he'll see it's more than worth it. It's not that I feel he is OH SO LUCKY to be with me, which of course he is  , but that it's just a way to show interest in a sincere way. They always say put your money where your mouth is... I guess I'm just waiting on him to do that. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:28:32 PM | Fascinating. First original observation I have seen in a long time.
In retrospect, the more money they are wanting to throw around, the less inclined they were for further contact generally. Enough of a sample size for me that I am comfortable with that.
I usually have a fair idea of where things are not going by that point, but it is a definite concept to keep an eye on. Brilliant insight good sir. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/11/2008 11:37:10 PM | Discuss it before you meet is my cheap advise. There are far too many variations on this one to have a handy "rule of thumb" work out each and evey time.
I always offer to pay my way... has nothing to do with whether I like him or not. It just seems the well mannered and fair way to do it; we're both investing in the getting to know you bit. If he declines, I won't argue, because that would be rude and some guys get very offended by it. I have no agenda happening. I don't NEED to pay to prove a point, and I don't test people, or otherwise make them jump through hoops. I'm pretty straight up what you see is what you get... no mind reading necessary. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:41:12 AM | | I have never paid for a mans meal on a date and never would. I pay my own way certainly, but i am not paying for any mans. This is just a second date after all so it's not like there is any sort of commitment. That's what dating is about getting to know each other. Maybe for these women who did not see you again after the second date found out all they needed to know about you and did not want to see you anymore. I don't think the women paying for your meal was any sort of kissoff. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:43:04 AM | OP, I'm not convinced. Some of those dates sounded like they really ended positively. So I suspect something in your follow-up behaviour might be not working for you. So maybe at the point that they paid, they didn't know how they felt about another date and then decided later that they weren't interested. Personally, if a guy lets me pay on the first date (generally, just for my half), I do get a bit disappointed, even if I have offered. I think it's polite to offer, but generally if a guy is really interested in dating me, then he will tend to pay, and I take that to be a hint that he is interested, or that he is very polite. If he seems cheap about paying for the date, then I take that to be a warning sign. I also tend to take it as a bad sign if he doesn't contact me right after a good date. So follow-up is really important. Just a quick note or something the next day to let me know that he is thinking about me is the best. And some indication either at the end of the date or in the note about wanting to get together another time is important too.
(oh, and I don't understand the problem about the one who worked on the Saturday. Depending on her job, it might have been something that had to be done, and not so much a choice. Did you even try to schedule another date?) | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 4:43:54 AM | For me, I always offer to pay my share, and it has nothing to do with whether I like the guy or not.
It has to do with both being adults, and no one that I know is made of money. We are both there to meet and see if we "click". I think it is only fair to pay my share. Most men won't let me.
If that is the case, and they have travelled to see me, I will offer them gas money instead, or pay the tip. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 5:17:23 AM | I always offer to pay the tip, even on a first date. I will also generally offer to pay my share and to occasionally pick up the whole tab. The main reason behind this? I am very careful who I sleep with and I never want a man to feel as if he has a right to expect sex just because he bought me a lousy plate of nachos.
I feel that if women constantly go out with men and expect them to pay every time they are setting up a pattern-you give, I get. Not attractive in my book. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 5:24:32 AM | I always offer to pay my half, its just being fair.
If I pay for the whole date...more then likely I want to get my ass outta there.. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 5:28:06 AM | | I am a lady who says what she means, so if I say I'll pay it's because I feel it is only fair for me to do so; it's definitely not a 'test'! If for example the gentleman is not local to me but made the journey to my town as a courtesy (I would have to hire a sitter for my kids thus would have a set time to return home -- the date would be that much shorter if I had to spend half the time commuting) I would buy the meal to show appreciation that he made the effort, whether or not there were sparks between us. Who pays for the meal has no bearing on whether or not I wish to see the person again; chemistry is all that matters. But I realise there are some women (and men too) who have obscure rules in their heads and I personally don't have the time or inclination to try to work them out. Keep it simple and honest, say what you mean and we all save ourselves a lot of aggro. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 5:31:36 AM | | I have experianced what poster # 5 said. Basically pay to get rid of me. Only one time has a woman paid for my meal when we were on a date that it actually went well afterward. She felt bad because she did not have a drivers license yet, i was driving almost 40 miles one way to pick her up, and always picking up the tab where ever we went. I liked that very much. But i really liked it better when we stayed in and she cooked for me. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 5:41:05 AM | | It might be a bit different this side of the Atlantic, but I think that whereever you are this is a tricky one. The first date is when both parties are really getting to know each other and deciding whether they see any prospect of a romantic relationship or maybe a friendship. It's unusual to know for sure on that first meeting for definite anyway, unless you know for definite that there is zero chemistry or that you really don't get on. I would generally offer to go halves on the first meal, but I know there are some guys who would be insulted by that so I do try to be a bit tactful about it. I wouldn't offer to pay the whole meal, unless it was a second date and he'd paid the first and was ok with me paying the next. Generally whether I paid or not would have little to do with whether I liked the guy or not. If the women were okay with kissing you I would have thought that they did like you - I know I wouldn't kiss someone I wasn't attracted to, so as has been said elsewhere maybe it's about something else than who paid for the meals. | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 6:14:36 AM | I pay for drinks, tips or even the meals and it is not used as a payoff. I think it is only fair for a woman to also spend her money too. I guess I don't feel obligated or that I am only meeting men so that I have a free ride. I am very independant and I also think that is why I enjoy spending my money on dates. I enjoy treating also and I can afford it so, why not?
When you pay for the meeting does that mean its a payoff to the woman?
You ought to be happy that you don't have to spend all of your money! A meeting is just that, a meeting.
Just my thoughts! | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 6:35:23 AM | I always pay my own way. And this is something that would have already been discussed before the actual date so it's never
an issue.
This way there's no games, no guessing, no tests, no expectations, and nobody is left feeling they were used or bought, or
feeling they owe or are entitled to something over the cost of a dinner. Why complicate things when you don't have to? 
JMHO | |
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| Woman paying for dinner = Payoff?
Posted: 4/12/2008 6:44:54 AM | Ohh.....come on fella!
Dont concern yourself with why theyre doing it or what theyre thinking!
If youre scoring free meals and occasional lip service, from women who you are attracted to, who cares if you ever see them again, or why you havent?
Look at the responses youve got from the female fishies, theyre all over the place.
Message #6 had several different reasons trying to explain this behavior, ,
and YOU are going to try to make sense of it? Puhhlease.........
I will anxiously wait for your next thread, posing the question:
"Why do women get upset when they buy me drinks and I wont go home with them?"
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