| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/12/2008 11:53:48 PM | In the interest of space i'll have to leave out a some facts but here is the main issue. A particular woman and myself have been seeing each other on and off for about 1 1/2 years. During this period she has "broke up" with me several times. During these brake up periods she has done things that have betrayed my trust. Now I often question if she's being honest. The longest an "apart" time has lasted was 2 weeks.
Now my dilemma. In the last few months she started going to church again. We have periods of a couple weeks where she is ready to get married, even staying together day and night, and then she stops seeing me suddenly stating " I dont feel this is where God wants me". When i try and talk to her there is no reasoning with her, (she is very fearful of committing to a marraige because of her past 4 bad ones so i try to convince her to relax a bit) then after 3-6 days she calls again and wants to go out.
There is generally no reason for the abrupt change, call me and all is well, a few hours later a drastic change.
She says I treat her better than any man ever has. Sex is not the problem. Her reasons have ALWAYS been because of how SHE is feeling. I dont know which of her actions to believe, "the I love u and want to be with u", or the "i'm gonna move on and see other guys u should move on too". I care deeply for this woman or I wouldn't have put up with it this long. Any1 been here b4? suggestions? | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 12:10:16 AM | | I think you need to be a little more firm. Be more dominant. Stand up for yourself. Be more of a challenge. Don't give her everything she wants. Only go 90% of the way. That 10% of witheld compliance will save your relationship. If she feels like she can't walk all over you and get everything she wants, if she feels she could possibly lose you, it will cause her to act more considerate. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 12:12:49 AM | | Red flag. She's playing you and a bunch of others. She's an attention junkie. A lot of women like this play the "GOD" card when you back them into a corner,because it makes them look good, and it's difficult for you to respond to. I bet she doesn't go to church;(medical condition?) I bet you can look her up on "myspace". Sorry dude, she's a hot rock. Drop her and move on. You deserve much, much better. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 12:17:04 AM |
I think you need to be a little more firm. Be more dominant. Stand up for yourself. Be more of a challenge. Don't give her everything she wants. Only go 90% of the way. That 10% of witheld compliance will save your relationship. If she feels like she can't walk all over you and get everything she wants, if she feels she could possibly lose you, it will cause her to act more considerate. About the ONLY thing I agree with in this response is to be firm... the rest is just total unadulterated bullshit.
Be firm in what you want in and out of the relationship, and if she can't give it to you after 1.5 years, I doubt highly that you will ever get it from her. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 12:21:57 AM | So let me get this right:
One and a half years of her coming and going when and where she likes. She uses god as an excuse!
Sorry you not going to like this: STOP BEING A DOOR MAT, GET A BACKBONE and move on. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 12:30:04 AM | | Yeah I've heard women talk about "backbone" alot. The problem is, most guys come from a state of "lack" instead of "abundance". We have to be sensitive to this man's feelings. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Love can eighter make you or break you. It is no joke. I know plenty of people who are in the same situation as the OP. And almost all of them have no emotional control whatsoever. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 12:31:32 AM | Yep, she's calling all the shots and you're just hanging in there waiting. She isn't going to change and will dump you totally in the end. She's just waiting for a bigger sucker than you to come along.
Move on. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 1:03:51 AM | Tommy 510
Sorry you write that - but hun, it is like this, the OP knows its over and he knows he has to get out, that is why he is writing the post.
And as for 'getting out' they (the users in the partnership) seem to find it easy to do on a regular basis - think on that one, harsh but true.
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 1:05:35 AM | I dont feel she is being honest with you. She is manipulative and is "dating" others when she breaks up with you, she is not in love with you. I feel it would be much better for you to find a woman that loves you and will treat you with love and resepect.
I wish you the best. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 1:05:51 AM | I dont feel she is being honest with you. She is manipulative and is "dating" others when she breaks up with you, she is not in love with you. I feel it would be much better for you to find a woman that loves you and will treat you with love and resepect.
I wish you the best. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 1:14:19 AM | thx all for ur interest and reply's
loz hunter, ur kiss makes it easier to take thx. as for knowing its over, thats much harder to accept
betterlate, how did u know she was "dating" others? since u mention it, 3 guys 1 date each and one ex bout a year ago she had sex with. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 2:19:06 AM | | I'm a christian and in my experience, God has only given me direction in where he wants me to be regarding places, not people. It doesn't make sense that God would tell he that he doesn't want her with you. I'm not saying that he would not have given her this directive, but I am saying that that sounds a little strange. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 4:14:23 AM | "If at first you do not succeed, try again. After four times though, take the hint and realise you are the problem."
If she has had four failed marriages already- I bet you can start to see why. Do you really want to be number five? It is a pretty safe bet that you already on some level know where the relationship is going. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 4:47:04 AM | | You know what she is like now if you want to stay hooked up ok but dont come crying on the forums she is not worth your time. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 5:28:10 AM |
If she has had four failed marriages already- I bet you can start to see why. Do you really want to be number five? It is a pretty safe bet that you already on some level know where the relationship is going
This is about her issues. She's trying to find answers by going to church *cough cough* and through God.... whatever.....
My opinion is that she's got other voices in her head that are a lot stronger than whatever is being said in church....
The woman sounds like she needs a good amount of time in therapy to figure out why all
four of her marriages failed. What was her part in it and how can she move forward with
lessons learned and a clean slate.
Until she owns her part and learns what she needs to do in the future, you're gonna be
nothing more than filler for her.
THIS ISN'T NORMAL, what you've got with her. It's destructive. Take care of yourself.
Do what you need to be happy, fulfilled and loved. And honey, that's not gonna come from
another human being.... other than yourself. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 5:55:11 AM | Sounds to me she first needs to work on the relationship with herself. Sounds too like she had some other motive besides a relationship. have you checked into her credit? because there is a BIG huge mess somewhere just below the surface.
She also may need to see a shrink and get meds if she hasn't already done so, sounds too like there are some major problems coming from whatever she's hiding.
If its been this rocky so far, you should find someone else before you invest any more of your time with her. | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 5:59:44 AM | She sounds like she is emotionally insecure, and emotionally ill. . Your her Knight in Shining armor but she likes playing the princess...pick and choose at her whim.
If you accept her mental illness...then accept it. Otherwise, ask her to get some counseling and face her fears.
It's not fair for you to sit and wait in line while she is off chasing fools... | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:07:26 AM | Whoa- the train and let you get off- into a more sensible atmosphere of life!
Its a train wreck if you want to be #5!! after her 4 marriages you should see the red flags!
You don't need to be firm with her but firm with yourself and get out while you can!!!
Your in a yo-yo-(player) relationship - when she ain't got no-one else- shes got you!
Run for cover man- start a new life! There is a lady far better in your future!
Playing the "GOD" card is a cop-out she is a saturday night sinner and sunday saint! THINK ABOUT IT!
There are other voices of mental problems in her head other than the voice of "GOD"
Good luck and best wishes in your future! | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:08:17 AM | I think you need to be a little more firm. Be more dominant. Stand up for yourself. Be more of a challenge. Don't give her everything she wants. Only go 90% of the way. That 10% of witheld compliance will save your relationship. If she feels like she can't walk all over you and get everything she wants, if she feels she could possibly lose you, it will cause her to act more considerate.
To the above......ABSOLUTELY AGREE | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:26:02 AM | hey ....guess what the problem isnt her its you ..... ive been there too...took me forever to learn signals....she is telling you what you dont want to hear nonverbally and you are not listening....4 relationships back and forth...breaks....hello when a woman is in love you know it she is all over you physically, spioritually,and emotionally...my question for you is this why are you so wishy washy in cutting all ties to her....dont worry it will take time but you will find someone perfect just for you | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:39:40 AM | Well Mister I have a few questions ...Why in the hell would you want to marry a woman that has already been married FOUR times ? That right there tells you she is crappy at maintaining a relationship!!!
Does she drink a bit? You say sex is not the problem...hmm it must be good for you or you wouldn't stick around this flighty bird. I say let her fly!!!
I see some Devil in your eyes and being naturally suspicious of people who claim it is all the other persons fault...I am wondering what part you have played in this "breaking up" game???? | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:06:23 AM | I think after four marriages going bad that cold feet on the fifth would be common sense by now........
if she is talking moving on and seeing other guys then she is thinking it, could be doing it, could be guilty about it and searching herself spiritually in church about it.
Feelings- emotional instability is a feeling, abrupt changes, mood swings, cant make decisions, problems with relationships, its adding up and she should go to a doctor, and see if their is an under lying problem causing all of this....... Often these people turn to church and religion but are inconsistant with it as she is
Its symptomatic of a personality disorder, and possibly something chemical
You have listed the behaviour of a personality disorder than can be treated if she wants to be treated, she would be happier and so would you.....
chemical imbalance illnesses need to be tested for and the above isnt enough to decide for sure, but if their are other parts of her life she is indecisive in or affected by this then chances are thats her problem.
All treatable, but most people dont acknowledge it and think its everybody else, men have more personality disorders than women and seem to go untreated and are consiered to be no good, and that is not true at all, no one helps them or ever talks
about it to them and they dont help is available or treatment and women dont seem to support their men they jsut ridicule them and leave them
Emotional situations do triggter the mildest of these things and the person does suffer emotionally and cant help it, help is their if she recognises it and you support her.
Get on a website and look it up and see if it fits, could save you both a lot of confusion and heart ache,You need good doctors and medication is only good if it is followed up with therapy to help you both understand the symptoms and relate between normal cold feet and the underlying problem, becuase this is extreme
Its so common and goes untreated, and with the right help it can improve be weary of doctors who write scripts for common anti depressants, they do more harm than good and this is not depression, look for the right help, and get more than one opinion.
Society has created these problems and they are real and help is available, it must be tough having 4 marriages break down and she must be going through hell considering a fifth and re living the problems of the last four in her mind.........
Confusion here is normal, but if it lasts and she cant get on top of it then she may need intervention, she is not crazy this is normal based on the sitution, but life is no longer normal......
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:22:47 AM | Permiscuity is also a sign of this disorder, and the chemical imbalance I am thinking of.
Its sad because these people get branded as no good or blamed in situations, sometimes all they need is help and support.
Its been going on too long a normal person would and could make a decision and if she cant you need to
Healthy people live their lives make decisions and thats it, all of this stuff is not healthy and that should be every body on this sites lesson to realise.
you know your own mind and the bodies actions follow........
Grief and other emotional events do take time to get over but we heal very quickly, people who take along time and go through all this stuff normally have a problem and need help to get on top of it.........
Even the people suffering from lonliness can do something about it, its sad to see so many unhealthy people with so many problems not getting treatment and living better lives it really is
Most of this is American ,and it is ahead of us down here, its sad to say this is all a result of the way we live in society and it will only get worse.
Dont pressure her, see if she will discuss this with someoen with you, if not why dont you see someone and run it by them for your own well being
people treat relationship so lightly and yet they are so heavy, the heart iso valuable and it is treated so carelessly........
Its not common sense people and thats the truth......... | |
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| Wishy Washy Woman, opinions wanted.
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:54:43 AM | ddalton,
When I read your dilemma I pondered what I wanted to share, but years ago I met a man while I was in my early 30's and we went through this yo-yo ride of turbulance for 5 yrs.. I must have tried analyizing his motives a hundred different ways and read every self help book out there... we even moved in together eventually and was engaged. but his break-up / make-up manuvers never changed. In the end of it all I felt maybe he was a commitment phobic, and yes when he was feeling skiddish and a pretty face would pass him, he would break up with me and date her... only for whatever reason it would end and he would be at my door begging to be let back in... we finally broke up for 8 mo's once and I tried going back with him but by this time I lost something for him and knew I couldn't get it back. He had done this too many times. So I went on and about two years later out of the blue he comes to my work and tells me he is engaged to another woman but if I would say yes to marrying him he would marry me immediately... I said no... then he asked what went wrong with us... I didn't have the heart to tell him... | |
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