| One Sided Conversations
Posted: 4/17/2008 10:53:49 AM | Have any of you had this experience with dating? You meet someone or talk to them on the phone, you like them, but they never hear a word you say? They talk over you, above you and through you. They don’t want to talk to anyone, but AT ANYONE !
Now, I don’t know if this is a nervous habit of some people or what. But it always make a good impression less, and a bad impression worse.
You know the type ! They nod when you talk and can’t wait to pipe in how they’ve done bigger and better, louder and prouder.
They never ask you questions, or act as if they even give a crap, what your interests are, your past, your family or your job. They only want to talk about THEMSELVES ! Now…I don’t mind, engaging them somewhat in conversation, but you’d think sometime during a phone conversation, they just might want to talk to someone, not AT SOMEONE. It’s the same when meeting in person. But sometimes, you may think….maybe they aren’t doing this on purpose or it could be their only bad habit. Are some men in such a hurry to be “interviewed” that they don’t quit toutin’ themselves as the perfect catch ? Ubeknownst to them, they are cutting off any hope.
There have been two men I’ve met recently who bored the beejeebeez outta me with the BIG “I” little “u” and it’s starting to get to me a little.
How can you tell these men (or women) that they do this and it’s obnoxious ? Or should you at all? Is it something they will figure out on their own?
Sometimes, I think these are the lonely men. The men who might be of the obsessive kind, the stalkers…..the ones who will call you two or three times every day. They are scary.
One thing I have noticed is they type very little in emails, so now….when I am contacted or when I contact someone with little to say in type, I run or not reply and I know that’s not fair.
Any opinions ?
Okay....ya'll can talk now.... | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 10:58:16 AM | I can't stand when you have great conversations on the phone or online, and you meet for "the date," and you seem to be carrying all of the conversation. I agree - talking TO someone is one thing, but I can't stand it when they talk and are looking elsewhere or when you talk, you get a nod constantly and mm hmm, mm hmm, mm hmm. It's almost annoying to the point of them interrupting with "mm hmm." That's usually when I realize that the person to whom I've been talking and "apparently" shared common interests with....is the same person but doesn't have a clue what I'm talking about when talking about our shared interests.
I.E. You say you like....hiking. The other person says, "oh yeah - me too!" Then you ask, on the first date, "so do you do day hikes, or what?" The answer is something along the lines of, "well I only hike during the day. I never hike at night. I can't stand night hikes." | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 11:07:47 AM | | ok, i talk a hell of alot at times and have been guilty of talking over people...BUT....Not in a bad way whereas I don't allow room for a two sided conversation, dont ask questions etc..In a way where I gues I just have alot to say about a certain subject...I never realized doing it and I never meant to be "rude" if you will but a good friend of mine pointed that out to me which btw I did appreciate and now I can be more aware of this going forward:) | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 11:17:40 AM | Is it a habit then ? Something that can be unlearned?
I talk ALOT ! myself, but I'm als0 interested in the lives of other people. Sometimes I'm the opposite, I ask alot of personal questions sometimes because I want to know more about them, but I will put them at ease with humor or lighter topics, get them to talk about their family or children....I know ever'body like to talk about babies.
Sometimes I can't get a word in edgewise.
Like "If silence was golden, they couldn't raise a dime" | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 11:18:35 AM | OMG yes - I got one from somewhere on here, and he would ring and start talking and not shut up for hours, and I mean hours. In the start I tried to reply to questions but he would allow me thirty seconds and then he was off again.
One night I put the receiver on the side, went to make a cup of tea assured he would not notice and guess what he didn't, laughing out loud.
Another night I watched a whole movie 'the Bourne Supremacy' and made drinks and snacks while popping back and saying yes a few times and a few mmm's, lmfao.
Don't think he ever noticed, pmsl - then the sad news came he was getting back with his Girl friend, he decided to make it up, phew! I wished him luck and thought that was the end of it. Nope he forgot to ask her, it appeared, dammit he was back!
The end came when one night he obviously paused - while I was off somewhere not listening and he waited for my return gave me a right gob full and called me by the wrong name, which made me burst out laughing and he slammed the phone down on me, bless him he was a little chatter box.
Yep I met a man who would chat for England and not let you interrupt except to say,  | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 11:21:14 AM | Ain't that a hoot !  Atleast you made good use of your time !
Then they wonder why you won't answer their calls ? | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 11:31:35 AM | Hmm, mabye i am a little different. I tend to over write and blab blab blab. Plus i'm a little dorky/nerdy, and then there is the romantic softy side. They all fight to control what I'm saying. If i could only find a woman that can give and take conversationally.
It's to bad you aren't finding what your looking for.
I think that the internet world has gotten some people lazy about face to face conversation. That's why I would prefer to talk on the phone, and try to avoid endless emails.
if your phone conversation is great, then go for a quick meet. You'll know pretty darn quick if there should be another meet.
Good Luck
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Posted: 4/17/2008 11:38:59 AM | But what if your phone impression of them was not good. Would you still meet them to see if they'd shut up and listen sometimes?
I consider myself a good conversationalist and many people say so. I let 'em say so...
I just have spontaneous disclosure disorder and some people can't believe I'll say stuff about myself. It's not for shock value but a tit for tat kinda thing. Talk to me, engage me, intrigue me. I wanna see your quirks. Let me pet your belly (an expression - meaning let me know your soft side)
No need to make "conversation" a trophy you must win.
ETA:
Oh this is ironic. Someone wants to delete this thread...hmmmmm.....it must be another man wanting to do all the talkin'....won't let me participate...oh that's funny. | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 11:52:01 AM | How can you tell them??
Try, "Wow...it has been so interesting learning so much about you! So...is there anything you would like to know about me? Ask me anything!"
Subtle...but to the point. *Hints at*
I also do think that this can sometimes be nerves...but you will quickly discover such if it continues once the newness stage, wears down.
On another aspect of this...I have often been having conversations...mostly with a close girlfriend...and felt like I was doing the "been there, done it" too much. But sometimes it is just a matter of showing empathy...other times it is letting them know that they are not alone in something...and still other times it is just...LIFE...and the older we get, the more we do experience and can honestly say, "Yeah..I had that happen, too!" When this happens...try to think of how someone would react if you DID NOT share the info with them...they may later say, "Well, when I brought that up...why did you not tell me you had experienced similar?" | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 12:13:21 PM | lol...what if they have ADHD or ADD???
then its kinda part of who they are...
but someone who talks about only themselves tells me they only worry about there life and there interests...
but ADHD and ADD its an expected thing to come across... | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 2:06:58 PM | I just hate that Sunny ~ don't sound like much fun
Sound s like someone 's full of themselfs. ~
I hate it ~ or should I say ~ I find it unplesant to be in a group were serveral people are doing this ~
I use to run with a crowd where several of the women were that way ~ when you want to add to the conversation ~ there's no stop in their's ~ you are left waiting for them to catch a breath ~ and when they "Finally" do ~ too late the other rachet jaw gets in there first!
flustrating!
~ I' give up ~ I've nothing too say that damn important
~dar | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 2:22:13 PM | SunnyTexas wrote:
> They never ask you questions, or act as if they even give a crap, what
> your interests are, your past, your family or your job. They only want
> to talk about THEMSELVES !
Some folks -- could be a guy, could be a gal -- are narcissistic to the point
that they really don't perceive anybody else beside themselves. Such
folks are usually lacking the capacity for empathy. Yes, they will generally
talk at you rather than with you, and one of the hallmarks of their
narcissistic tendencies is that they only seem to want to talk about
themselves.
> There have been two men I’ve met recently who bored the beejeebeez
> outta me with the BIG “I” little “u” and it’s starting to get to me a little.
> How can you tell these men (or women) that they do this and it’s obnoxious ?
> Or should you at all? Is it something they will figure out on their own?
Perhaps the best way to deal with such folks is to just say "Good luck
with your search," and be done with them. But trying to change a narcissist
is often times just an act of futility.
Apolinary | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 2:26:35 PM | Yeah, some people love the sound of their own voice, and they will have lively conversations with themselves in front of you. You are not to participate, have an opinion, interrupt or in any way involve yourself in their prose. You can nod, look and admire them, and shut up! That's all that is required from you, and deviant behavior will be noted and punished... Don't waste breath trying to be heard. You are not.
At least you can tell who they are now...
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Posted: 4/17/2008 2:49:58 PM | Dancecard, a conversation with you is amazing and insightful.
You are the chairman of the board of conversationalist. You should have a school.
I was married to a narcissist and it was much the same as the the men I mentioned. But if you dare to look away or seem bored, they never catch on. They think they're interesting and you should hang on every word.
Oh a conversation with a drunk narcissist....oh boy...that's like nails on a chalkboard.
Some people need a Tshirt that reads "Am I self centered...or is it just me?"
But I just wonder if this is just a nervous habit with some people. Do they just need to let you know their lifestory, their ambitions, failures and excuses over one budweiser ? Are they that much in a hurry to be rejected ? Cuz at that rate, what are ya supposed to do....? All you can fathom on the favorable side, is they like to talk and sho nuff ain't shy. | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 3:12:31 PM | It's probably a waste of time to tell a date who consistently talks over you that they are being obnoxious. They are obviously oblivious and aren't going to be good dating material anyway. I'd cut the date as short as politely possible and move onto the next person. I've sometimes gotten *too* talkative myself as a nervous reaction but I *can* be easily interrupted and I do manage to listen and pay attention to the other person. Someone who is so thoroughly self-absorbed, though, is probably hopeless. Time to move on.
As for people who want to meet you and say very little in their emails, I'm personally not interested in them. If a person doesn't come across as interesting in their initial emails, they probably won't be any more interesting to me in person. I'll get these one-liner emails from guys that essentially say, "Hi, I read your profile. Here's my number. Call me." I probably should stop responding at all but I'll ask them, "Tell me something interesting about yourself. Why would I want to know you?" They'll respond, "I don't like to email. Let's meet." They haven't given me any reason to *want* to meet them. I'm not that desperate and lonely. I'm looking for someone interesting that I mesh well with. If they seem uninteresting and uncommunicative from the start, why waste both our time? | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 3:32:44 PM | You know really ~~ I'd like to think some are just nervious and chatty.
somehow they feel the need to fill the air with something!
Could be insecurity, ~ to want" to sound dynamic" ~ working hard to impress
could be a long line of coke ~ if they havn't been eating sugar donut and that white power is under their nose ~ might ask them if they mind you catching up?
I'd like to think ~ they might clam down with a little time ~~ you know , like puppy ~ but what if they don't!! ??
dar | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 3:50:06 PM | Someone else had a thread like this recently and a reply hit the nail on the head I think. He mentioned that he gets a little nervous in person, and when you're nervous you tend to stick with the known quantity. He said he has to remind himself to keep his answers brief and ask questions about his date.
I know I get the same way. I can take time to reflect before I type or hit "post" but when I'm sitting right across the table from someone I really like, I can tend to speak too quickly and accidentally interrupt, or run off on some tangent, so giddy with the triumph of knowing I can keep the conversation from dying that I don't realize I'm killing it!
Well, I'm not THAT bad really, but I DO have to make a conscious effort to relax and let the conversation flow naturally. | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 3:52:40 PM | Lets see, In the time i have been on here i have had more women to message me wanting to talk. But the thing is, Talking to them was like pulling teeth. I had to pull ALL of the information out of them. I have come across some that don't know when to shut up. They want to talk your ear off. I have come across a few "ladies of the evening" on here that lied in there profile just to get a man to message them. I have seen a little bit of everything on here. I think it's just bad all over. Maybe just part of going through the bad ones to get to the good ones. So far BLOCK has been my best friend on here. But, I did get lucky and find somebody. Everything so far so good. | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 4:01:29 PM | | I think that emailing just be very short and also phone calls before you meet. you can really get interested insomeone over emails and phone calls And then when you meet there just isnt something there. And it sure is tuff telling the other person thats it just isnt there . | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 4:07:25 PM | I had a coffee meet with a man once. We bought our coffee, and decided to walk and talk around an outdoor shopping market area. first, you would have thought he was on a walk -a -thon in a race, he walked so fast. I suggested that we sit on a bench, and he replied "Then someone else walking by can hear what I say." After we had covered the whole area in about 15 minutes, he asked if I would like to go into a restaurant have appetizers and a drink. I agreed. The whole time was spent with him stating what he wanted, who he wanted, who he was, what he liked, what he didnt, where he had been and what he had done and so on. You get the picture. I tried to interject comments and interesting things that I had done....but was overshadowed by his agenda. At the end, he looked at me and said You're a Keeper!!! to which I replied" No, I'm just a little fish, throw me back"
It all is about communication, im sure we all agree on that, either too much and one- sided, or not enough and again one-sided and it wont work......I say balance | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 4:23:43 PM | OP...so many people do this!
It drives me crazzy!!!
If a date were to do it..I would walk out..while he was talking!
*cough*...I really would! | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 4:28:24 PM | OP: I can so relate to what you're saying. I've gone through this more than once with males AND females that I've met here and talked on the phone with..good god!!!!! I mean TELEMARKETERS must want to shoot themselves after calling these people!
I think it's a sure sad sign of insecurity on their part when they never let you get a word in edgewise and feel as if they have to impress you with their accomplishments and whatnot and never ask one thing about you!
The truth is, they're lonely and they've simply run out of people that want to listen to their "all about them" and then "have to go" without a sound from you from the time the phone rang until the time you've hung up from them...you're just next in line until YOU begin to cringe when you see their number on caller ID.
I've since rid myself of people like this and trust me, their own pets want to commit suicide due to being "talked to death" by them more times than what we may read about in the local news. "CAT MAULED BY PIT BULL!!" nope..said cat PAID pit bull to maul her/him to get away from it's "motor mouth about me owner!!" "PET BOA RAISED FROM INFANCY STRANGLES OWNER!!" nope..that dang snake just had enough of
it's owner going on and on and on about..well, nothing but themselves on a constant basis! Who wouldn't want to strangle someone like that?
But seriously, you can usually weed out people that are all about themselves and people that are genuinely interested in what you have to say. I've found that an equal balance is hard to find when you're just getting to know someone from the internet.
But I do agree..some of these people are like "Chatty Cathy's" pulling their own dang string about themselves constantly!!! ack!!! Who needs em'??? Now let me tell you all about me.....LOL
Sans | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 5:07:20 PM |
lol...what if they have ADHD or ADD???
then its kinda part of who they are...
but someone who talks about only themselves tells me they only worry about there life and there interests...
but ADHD and ADD its an expected thing to come across
Wow...this is news to me! I know many with ADHD/ADD...including my 23 year old daughter...and none of them have this character flaw! In fact,...I would say it is more the opposite...they might have trouble focussing on one topic for too long...but not the "all about me" mentality! | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 5:12:57 PM | I hate this - but throughout my life I've gotten used to it.
My mom and sister are notoriously bad for this - they sometimes remember to go "what were you saying?" to me, but for the most part I joke and say "Nothing! I'm not talking to you guys! You always interrupt me..."
So I've become accustomed to the "just shut up and wait till they're over...or wait till they take a breath...they have to breathe sometime!" | |
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Posted: 4/17/2008 6:57:01 PM | | .I'm gulity of what one of the posters said she didn't like eopel doing when she talked to them.the whole nodding of the head repeatedly or say"hmm" over and over, but i actually am LISTENING when i do those things, am i'm afraid to say anything before the person finishes because then the person will think i'm intterupting, so what should i do? | |
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