| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 4/17/2008 9:20:42 PM | | I have been separated for going on 9 months, hoping to divorce at 1 year (come on August). My ex and I are sharing custody of my 6 year old son, the one thing we've agreed on in years. My dilema is that practically everytime my son goes to his mother's house, he returns wearing wornout, ill fitting or ragged clothes. I take pride in dressing my son in clean, descent clothes, especially when he goes to school. It would be bad enough if he was coming straight to my house from hers, but most times he goes from her house to school and then arrives at my house afterwards. Earlier this week she sent him to school with a pair of pants that were in good condition but were too big for him in the waist. He was walking around holding up his pants. I bought him two belts before Christmas which went to her house and never returned to mine. Today she sent him to school wearing a pair of jeans he wore last year that now have big holes in both knees. I have mentioned this to her before. When I raise issues like this she says I'm being negative. I'm not saying my ex is a bad person, but she is not real rational, so it is very difficult to discuss issues like this. I think she is trying to cycle the clothes at my house over to hers and return me her crap. Any suggestions? | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 4/17/2008 11:28:35 PM | You need to ask her for the specific items you would like returned. If you can not ask her directly is there a family member or friend that might get them for you.
If worse comes to worse just don't send anymore good things to her house... play her game with her. | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 4/18/2008 3:25:46 AM | My brother and his ex have an agreement. Two wardrobes, one at each house. Whatever is bought my one parent, stays at that house. No suitcase to carry. I don't particularly think it is a good idea, but it works. Occassionally they will carry outfits for special occassions to the other house, but Sunday clothes and play clothes are at each house. Both parents always dress fit to kill and the kids are dressed the same.
You can't change her but you can show your son the proper way to dress and act. Be his example. Compliment him on how nice he looks. He will get the picture and start to tell mom how he wants to dress. If she does not improve how she is doing on the clothing issue--perhaps you need to look to see if there are there other areas in which she is underperforming as a mom? | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 4/18/2008 5:44:09 AM | You could use several approaches here. I do like the idea of having full sets of clothes, toys, and games at both places. It would reduce the hassle of hauling things back and forth. However, if everything ends up at her place, it defeats the purpose.
I think she is trying to keep the good clothes at her place so she doesn't have to buy them for him.
1. Ask for the good clothes back, especially if you bought them. Tell her you expect for him to be sent back to you in same/similar clothes as what you sent him in. If that doesn't work, start taking pictures and documenting things. This may just be the beginning of the power plays she's going to throw at you.
2. Sounds like some of these clothes need to be thrown away anyway. If they're not there, she can't dress him in them.
3. Wash whatever clothes he has on and send him back to her with those clothes on or the same type of clothes. Don't send him over there with his best clothes on. You can see you don't get them back. However, she could turn around and do the same thing I mentioned above, but it would be against you and not her.
4. I'm sure you have lawyers working on your divorce. If this cannot be resolved, maybe you should spell out the details of what is to remain where or what is to be returned after each visit.
Although I don't have children, I've been through some of these things as a step-mom, at one time.
Krys | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:02:26 AM | From what I hear, some court orders ask for both parents to have their own set of clothes, toys at their house so clothes aren't always sent back/forth, which makes sense. It sounds like your ex doesn't want to contribute to buying new clothes for him. Are you paying her child support?
i agree, don't have him wear his good clothes on the days he is with her, especialy when you know you won't get them back. Document everything, take pictures of him wearing warn out clothes. Perhaps you can ask your son to bring the belts back to you since she can't. Isn't he old enough to dress himself? Perhaps you can guide him on the clothes he should wear, like if it has holes orwhatnot, to not wear them. I don't see why she can't put him in the good clothes that goes over there unless she has a good stash of dirty clothes that she won't wash. | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:30:27 AM | aww this is a shame, definatly look into what other areas she may be slacking at with your son.
Talk to your solicitor and see what they say, they may be able to set out an agreement where she must buy clothes for him and keep them at her house and you do the same.
Good luck to you and respect! x | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:42:03 AM | | If you and the X dont really get along why look for more trouble. Make life easier for yourself just buy a few things on super sale or at the thrift store and only send him to her in those things. That way you will still be able to dress him nicely but not feel put out about whats happening with the clothes. You cant change her at all so dont try, go to your sons school and leave a belt with his teacher for emergencies. | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:16:34 PM | I have dealt with this. We were paying $600 a month in child support and her boyfriend was supporting her so she essentially had no bills but what she created. We were still buying the majority of his clothes down to his socks and underwear.
Your X is not likely to change. There is nothing you can do about what she sends him to school in just like there will be no equitable distribution of the clothing you buy because she won't send it back so my best advice to you is to continue on as you are and ignore what she is doing. The people at school and elsewhere will recognize that there are two standards in the home and eventually your son will be old enough to hopefully be better able to control the situation when he is not with you.
If you get into the right and fair debate even with yourself, you will just drive yourself nuts and waste a lot of energy that would be better spent in quality time with your son. | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 4/18/2008 8:11:17 PM | | I agree that it would be a waste of energy to debate about the equity of the situation. It also would drag me into a situation with a lot of negative energy. That could also be her intent too. I have made my feelings known, but continue to do what I feel is best for him. I like the idea of the spare belt at school. I hadn't thought of the thrift store idea, interesting. We already have separate clothes and toys at both homes. Right now we each keep him two nights a week and every other Friday and weekend. That means we each put him on the bus two mornings a week and every other Monday morning. I don't know how she dresses him on her weekends. He is only six years old, so it may be a while before he really understands the difference between neat and untidy dress. His mother keeps a very clean house, so the best explanation in my mind is that she is keeping all of the good clothes that go to her house and sending back what is worn. I 've been throwing out clothes that are worn-out like the "holy jeans". That still leaves me replacing those clothes though. I guess, as you said, not much else to do about that but document. Thanks all. | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 4/18/2008 8:24:22 PM | Although I understand the OP's frustration, I think that perhaps pushing the issue with your ex may only make the problem worse. You have stated your feelings to her, and she has ignored them.
Do you think she may be trying to "push your buttons?" If so, the best action is no reaction.
I agree with the other posters...do not send him in his "best" clothes.
Perhaps you may want to stipulate in your orders of separation, and perhaps discuss in mediation, a standard of dress you will both adhere to.
Good luck....daisyrays | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 4/19/2008 2:08:20 AM |
He is only six years old, so it may be a while before he really understands the difference between neat and untidy dress.
When my now 21 year old was 6, I would ready him for church, white shirt, tie, pants and neatly combed hair(he wanted to dress like his dad). By the time he walked from the house to the car, the shirt was pulled out of one side of his pants, the tie was crooked, one shoe would be untied and the hair looked like it had not been combed in a month and he had dirt on his face, shirt and shoes. He is still a casual dresser. The other son, now 28, always looked like a modeling ad and still does. Both were raised the same. Go figure. They find their own way.
Re: the separate wardrobes, I know it works, but sometimes the kids want to take things to the other house and can't because it gets left. I was lucky, when I divorced, my youngest was 16. My heart goes out to all the parents and kids who share separate houses. Read an article once that said: in a divorce there should be two apartments and one house. The kids live in the house and the divorced parents rotate in and out rather than making the kids go from house/apartment to house/apartment. I guess it would just be easier if the other parent/ex-spouse had just behaved the way they should have and the marriage could have stayed together--------for the record, no, I would not go back.
I know you love your son, hang on to every moment. One day you will turn around and he will be taller than you! | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 5/2/2008 5:47:05 PM | I'm going to be very unpopular here with the response I'm going to give. As long as your child is SAFE with his mother, I feel you should do yourself a favor and focus on the big issues in life. I have the utmost respect for you, as a father taking pride in his child. I also know, all too well, that feeling when they come back from a visit of "what the heck is my child wearing?" Makes for really great fights with the ex. Dirty is not okay. If it's 30 degrees outside and your child is in shorts, NOT ok. But, as far as her standards being much less than yours....honestly sweetie, you're only tormenting yourself. You can't control her lack of taste.
Secondly, I am also completely against the "what I buy for you stays at MY house...etc" When I buy things for my daughters, they are purchased for them....not my home. I think that mentality only creates further division in an already difficult situation for the children. Believe me....I know....all the clothes you buy that never get returned. The simple solution is to let your child take what they would like on trips to the other parent's home and send a bag for it to be returned in. If it isn't, you need to go and retrieve it. But, my belief is that it is unhealthy to deny my children of their things based on logistics. Just my humble, respectfully submitted opinion | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:20:07 PM | My brother and his ex-wife went through the exact same thing. They have joint custody, 7 days on/7 days off. She would dress him in worn out clothes, pants too short, shoes too small, but would keep the good clothes my brother would send him in. After months of going through this, he finally put his foot down and started sending him back in the same outfit that she sent him in. She didn't like it at first because she wasn't getting anymore new clothes and felt that it was an added expense that she had to buy her son clothes. And when they went to court to finalize the divorce, she tried to get the judge to order that he pay child support, health insurance, clothing and all school expenses. But instead the judge ordered that because they both shared equal amount of days throughout the year, that each was responsible for getting their own health care, clothing, and the school expenses and that each party was responsible for all expenses incurred during their time of visitation. She still won't get health coverage for him even though her employment has a great health plan (She doesn't want to do it because she would have to get the family plan in order to have him covered) so she waits until my brother has him and then tells him to take him to the doctor. Sick, I know, but that's how some people are. But all in all, it worked out best because now they rarely have anything to disagree about, and if something does come up, they are able to discuss it like adults. I've seen my brother go through alot during this divorce, but the one thing I can say is son was always his main concern. And it's so great to see Dad's like you being there for their children. Keep up the good work. | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:44:58 PM | | ok. i know how you feel here. i have the same problems with my ex. i send my 2 year old son to him and he will come back in clothes that i sent him in a month prior. so when i get the clothes back they are short in the legs and then all he can wear them for is play clothes and most of the time i just give em to someone else. but yet even if i talk nice to him i still get rude comments back. so eventually i just decided that even if i try to argue my side of the story its not worth it cuz your not going to get anywhere with it. so i still send him in his good clothes hoping that when i do manage to get them back they arent full of holes or even worse to small. so my advice to you is to keep doing what your doing. if you have to start hitting up the sale racks. there are always sales going on. good luck | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:01:26 PM |
When I raise issues like this she says I'm being negative.
Amen, I hear you Raider. The smallest issues like this brings on a huge onslaught of yelling and insults and I've been divorced for 6 years.
I visit my kids on a regular basis at school and I marvel at how shabby they look. Here is how I handle this situation.
Most of the good clothes I have for them I keep here.
When they wear the clothes from here to their Mother's house I always let it be known that I want it back - doesn't always work but most of the time because my kids make it so it happens.
When they bring clothes over from their Mothers house I wash and fold it so it goes home in better condition then when I received it. Whether they wear it or not!
On the weekends they are with me I keep them until Monday morning and take them to school (an hour with traffic) and if their Mother has sent school clothes I wash them and get them ready. I always keep a pair here though so I know that they have the clothes they need and go to school dressed and looking good. The school notices the difference trust me! | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:59:43 PM | Well bub this is where keeping the reciepts comes in handy but I will save that for last because it should only be used as a last resort.
1. Whatever your son comes to you wearing you wash and then send him back in it.
2. Explain to her that it is important for your son to be presentable at school and that when he isnt he could be the subject of teasing and redicule. If she has any heart you should see a change there.
3. and as a last resort in most states when there is a child support order in place those reciepts will come in handy. You turn those into child support services and they deduct that from the money she gets. Once she sees that you are aware of your rights and duties she may cease the drama and petty games and then you can both get on with each others lives. | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 5/2/2008 10:24:50 PM |
and as a last resort in most states when there is a child support order in place those reciepts will come in handy. You turn those into child support services and they deduct that from the money she gets. Once she sees that you are aware of your rights and duties she may cease the drama and petty games and then you can both get on with each others lives.
In most states, it has to be stated in the court order that the non-custodial parent (the one that pays the child support) will get credit for buying the clothes, school expenses, or whatever else is listed and that he/she has to show proof by means of receipts and the amount will be deducted. If this is not stated in the court order, these are considered "gifts" and can not be deducted and the Non-custodial parent will be responsible for paying the full amount of child support that is due. | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 5/3/2008 12:24:36 AM | From your posting, it is apprent you are a concerned and fully involved father in your child's life and you plan to stay active in your child's development. While I understand this issue with clothing can be frustrating (first hand experience), it is important to remain focused on the big picture issues. Keep being a strong role model for your child. Ensure all schoolwork is completed when he is in your care, read with him each night, and maintain open lines of communication with his teachers. Remain involved and do not allow the actions or statements of your soon to be ex to distract you from your mission.
If your son has not begun to take ownership of his clothing, he likely will in the near future. When he takes ownership of his clothes and toys, the dynamics of this issues will change greatly and will need to reflect his perspectives in relation to his ownership.
My son, who is about the same age as yours, has recently begun taking ownership. While it is frustrating to see him take his belonging to his mothers house knowing they may never return. I keep reminding myself they are his and can be replaced if needed. Additionally, there is a positive aspect in that my son is learning to be responsible for his belongings.
Good luck with your adventure | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 5/3/2008 3:02:40 PM | | Do you think she's selling the good clothes? My ex did that to support a dope habit that was bigger than her child support payments could handle. She sold his dog, his toys, you name it. I hope for your sake that's not the case but, it's something to look into. I'd ask for the clothes and she what she says. | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 5/3/2008 3:25:52 PM | It is a lose lose situation for you bro. Just document what your kid comes home in because it will certainly come up in court.
It is impossible to try and reason with someone who lacks it themselves. Now if you are paying support then that is a whole different story, but will still end in the same place. Nowhwere! Now if you aren't paying any support you just have to grin and bare it. You have no room to complain. | |
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| Everytime my son goes to his mom's house he returns in ragged clothes.
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:29:01 PM | Jeez people..it's clothing..As long as he'd clothed and dressed appropiately for the weather then no big deal.
ask her for your stuff back and have one of her family members get it for you. O when you go through your divorce make sure it states that you each have your own wardrobe for him and you don't keep what was brought from the other house. you send it back.. | |
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