| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 12:42:09 PM | Dear POFers:
Firstly, I am not writing this for self-pity or sympathy. A little about me, I am in the process of a divorce. During my 11 year marriage my spouse did the follwoing: During our early years my wife would get so drunk she occassionaly would atack me with knives, scissors, or fist. She finally stopped after about the 6th time it happened and did not repeat it. She constantly lied about various things from big things like cheating and taking money out of our line of credit to smaller less significant things. Lastly, she cheated with a guy she knew from high school over the course of about 3 months that she saw him (claims they only actually had sex 1 time though they went out on numerous dates - She was popping a lot of Xanax at the time and probably drinking on it).
On a scale of 0-10 (with 10 being the worst thing one could do to another), how bad are the following things perpetrated while married or in a long term exclusive relationship?
1. Cheating (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)?
2. Lying (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship - I am not talking about white lies)?
3. Physical abuse (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)?
4. Alcohol/drug abuse (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)?
The cheating was the last straw for me but after it came out, my wife eventually got to the point where cheating was not really a big deal because my failure to be the adoring husband drove her into the arms of another. Is cheating not really that big of a deal anymore? Am I old fashioned?
Though I have made my deicsion, I am interested to know how others view these things and whether or not they are always fatal to a relationship or marriage. I would like to ad that I have not engaged in any of the above behavior so my wife was not retaliating and I am perhaps only guilty of not kissing my narcissistic wife's ass enough to properly feed her huge ego. Thanks in advance for your replies. | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 12:45:37 PM | 1. Cheating (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)? 10 and yes
2. Lying (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship - I am not talking about white lies)? 7 and no, depends on the lie though
3. Physical abuse (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)? 10 and yes
4. Alcohol/drug abuse (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)? 10 and yes | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 12:46:13 PM | Cheating and lying are both trust issues.
Can't see staying in a relationship without trust myself.
As for the rest wouldn't put up with that either, sort of a one strike rule there "I don't like this behaviour and if it continues I'm aoutta here". Either they'll take real steps to improving or I'm off to greener pastures and not looking back. Why waste time on one that doesn't value your well being as you value theirs? | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 12:50:45 PM | The whole cheating thing pisses me off! Why be in a relationship , if all you wanna do is screw other's? Really all your doing is spreading the gift that keep's on giving STD"S! | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 12:55:09 PM | Definitely in agreement with all posted answers -- most of us have been put through the mill by another -- don't self-pity -- just learn from (you'll be tender to those signs in another and hopefully your radar will help steer you clear of half way thinking about entering a long conversation with them much less a relationship) it and begin to joy life again. Too often we get stuck in abusive relationships as an off shoot of our morales and love for others ~~ live, learn and love | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 1:02:48 PM |
1. Cheating (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)?
2. Lying (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship - I am not talking about white lies)?
3. Physical abuse (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)?
4. Alcohol/drug abuse (please rate at 0-10 and note if that in itself is grounds for leaving the relationship)? Each item is so general when the dynamic of the relationship and the precise scenario really are so important.
Each one comes down to betrayal and just how betrayed you feel by any act is so very individual.
My responses would be that no. 1 & 2 are potentially forgiveable and not necessarily terminal, depending on the nature of the affair and the lies; that no. 3 means this person is not safe to be around and should probably be having a relationship with a jail cell and that no. 4 indicates that the person is probably not able to be in a relationship and should be under medical or psychiatric supervision.
I don't regard these kinds of acts in terms of "grounds to decide to end a relationship" so much as "grounds to believe that the relationship is already over". If they're doing this stuff then they don't have your heart in theirs, for whatever reason and therefore you do not have an intimate relationship with them, what you have is an illusion of one, at best. | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 1:05:33 PM | Cheating...11!! This to me is the ultimate relationship blunder! If you wanna go for greener pastures or just get a different piece of ass...then give me the courtesy of telling me FIRST. There is nothing worse than finding out you were raped of your choice to be in a monogamous relationship!!
Lying...hmmm...this would also be an 11, and I find most cheaters are liars, and vice versa. Lies by omission and "white lies" are not excluded...but I would consider the lie itself, more.
Physical Abuse...a 9.5. Don't get me wrong...I believe that NO ONE has the right to touch another person, without invitation!! BUT...I have also seen men accused of abuse when they were only defending themselves! And I gave it a 9.5 simply because I stayed in an abusive relationship longer than I should have.
(Where is EMOTIONAL AND VERBAL ABUSE, by the way???)
Alcohol/Drug abuse...if the person became addicted after the fact and refused or did not cooperate with treatment...then yes...another 11!! | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 1:06:34 PM | | What's the point of rating such bad behavior on a scale? You're not talking about minor transgressions, you're talking about major problems. They're all bad and should not be tolerated. | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 1:58:28 PM | 1. Cheating
10 - if he lies and lies and lies about it, forcing me to go psychotic thinking "If I don't believe him and he's actually being honest then I'm a paranoid cuckoo, but if I believe him and he's lying, then I'm an idiot."
5 - if he does it and I'm the first to hear about it - from him - and, I mean, right away.
2. Lying ( I am not talking about white lies)?
10
3. Physical abuse
10 - if it happens more than once
3 - if it happens once and is out of character
4. Alcohol/drug abuse
10 - drug abuse
3 - alcohol | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 2:08:04 PM |
During our early years my wife would get so drunk she occassionaly would atack me with knives, scissors, or fist.
This is where it should have ended. After the first such attack.
Assuming that the person was not prepared to go into rehab and counseling.
Cheating means loss of trust, and since I could not be in a relationship with a person I don't trust, this would be a sufficient reason for me to end a relationship.
I have never cheated on anyone, and (as far as I know) no one ever cheated on me, but that would send me away - promptly.
Same goes for lying - a serious breach of trust.
Physical abuse - 10 on your scale, no way that I would put up with that... you could also add psychological and verbal abuse which can be equally (or more) harmful...
Alcohol/drug abuse - I ended a very important relationship because of his drinking problem... that should answer the question sufficiently.
No reason to be in a disfunctional relationship... not for me.
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 2:25:39 PM | I agree with redcassandra, and eh! knives, scissors, and fists? Whats next, chainsaw?  Just feel lucky you are alive. | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 2:29:46 PM | What confuses me is the fact that you talk about her abusing you mentally and physically and then state that she was popping zanax and prossible drinking, like your excusing her behavior based on that. There s NEVER an excuse for what she has done. Attacking you with knives? And you stayed?
Move on and consider yourself one lucky dude to be away from all that insanity. | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 2:59:54 PM | 1. 10
2. 10
3. 3 (a lot of men deserve to get beaten and then i dont see the problem but if its a female that gets beaten then its a certain 10)
4. 7 | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 4:14:24 PM | | I think all these are kinda retorical, but I also think that some people like different things, and to some it might be ok to do some of these things. It would In my opinion depend an the type of person you are. For me these are all grounds for losing or leaving a partner, maybe Im old fashioned but I dont agree that any of it is right to any degree. Gee willakers bigthunder, man! all these things combined, well I feel sorry for you and wonder what in the hell you were thinking for letting it carry on for so long. I know that love can be strong but these are serious issues that she will probably never grow out of. There is a chance for her, but I dont think it ever involved you, she needs to be in the gutter for a while or suffer on her own I sure you know what I mean. All these are a serious 10 and yes | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 5:58:54 PM | To me ,it's a 10 ,how could you ever trust that person again ? And if you can't trust the person you both swore to God with, why take the chance that it will happen again? and put yourself thru the agony, again.
Now thats my opinion, and opinions are like ***hole's, everyone has one. Trust your gut and you can't go wrong. If you know you are constantly being lyed to, again ,why would you stay with that person?
You don't need to live that way,when you have to worry about getting your throat cut
while your sleeping or any other time, There are to many good people out there in the world to put up with that kind of B.S. .You will find the one you are supposed to be with sooner or later, and the wait will be worth it. This is what I believe anyway,
Good luck in finding the right one , you got to believe you will.
dansk428 | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 6:02:48 PM | It depends, if you like croaking out early, or getting hit in the head with a shovel, it is the best thing since sliced bread. Plus, the ass beatings I hear that get handed out after the information is released are quite astonishing..........
Also, it wouldn't make you unique, Humanity has really hit the crackpipe lately.
It is bad only if you have no values, morals, balls, backbone or Ideals and Rules/Honor to live by.
Otherwise, you are known as "Typical". | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 6:05:48 PM | | There all a 10 and this behavoir is indicative of something is wrong with your partner and Not you. All of them mean this person is broken...get a new model. | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 6:19:13 PM | amero1234:
The rest of the story is that, after the drunken abusive stuff, I was ready to walk (about 3 + years into the marriage) and I had all the divorce paperwork ready. Wihtin days of getting it ready but before I told her later, she comes up pregnant so I decide to stay as I don't want to run out on a pregnant woman and my child. I think that, maybe having a child will smarten her up and make her less selfish. We had another child 2 years later and she became less selfish where they were concerned but not where I was concerned. Then the lying really increased and she was taking money out of our line of credit for BS things as I made plenty of money and she did not need to do that but she did and lied about it when I would ask her if she was dipping into it. That is really my fault b/c I should have checked to make sure. she had a bit of a history of bad financial decisions. I stuck all that out b/c I wanted to be there for my kids. The cheating only happened in the last few months and I cannot turn the other cheek. So when you wonder if I am some sort of masochistic guy, there it is and I did it thinking it was better than bugging out on my kids. | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 6:30:26 PM | All of the things on your list are grounds for walking out of a relationship, I don't abide any of those things..which maybe speaks volumes as to why I am still single. No you aren't old fashioned and there are still normal women out there who don't do those sorts of things, cheating is a BIG deal and for me it's grounds to say C YA!!! I hate cheaters and say so in my profile....in my book it's something I do NOT ever abide.
I feel like cheating takes away my entire basis for trusting the person I'm with and if I can't trust I have nothing with that person. There are still those of us out there who value and pride ourselves on monogamy and honesty...there's no accounting for the actions of others and I applaud you for sticking to your principles.
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 6:36:56 PM | Everything should get a 10 if its before getting attached to someone.
1. Cheating gets a 10. Cheating is a very big deal!!
Wrongful accusations of cheating when there is little or no proof gets a 10 especially in the beginning of a relationship. eg. My ex once accused me of wanting to sleep with a homeless man cause I was nice to him. This is a sign that the bf/gf could easily be abusive.
2 Lying is an iffy one mostly depends on the lie. Why the lie happened. Then you must ask yourself. " If he/she lied about this what else does he/she lie about.
3. Physical abuse 10
Physical abuse is almost always something that happens proceeding emotional or verbal abuse. A relationship that has that should also be a 10. And left because staying with that doesn't make anyone a hero. It ruins your preceptions of future relationships, hurts your self esteem, doesn't do the abuser any favors and very important to remember if there are children involved it is very very bad for them to have that in their lives, even if you hide it from them. On some level they know.
4. Alcohol and drug abuse is a 10.
You cannot change a person, this person must make the choice to quit their addictions by themselves for themselves. Some must hit rock bottom first. Being in a relationship with an addicted person can contribute and enable the addiction further. If you really care about the person you could tell them that you are leaving if they don't get help today ( dont buckle) They don't get help then leave and let them know they can contact you again once they are completely clean.
There are 3 reasons for divorce you can remember them by AAA they are adultery, addiction, and abuse. | |
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| How bad is cheating on your partner?
Posted: 4/18/2008 8:29:22 PM | Nothing is good or bad unless you say it is.
If both agree that something is acceptable then it is.
If one thinks it is unacceptable and the other thinks it is acceptable, then there is an issue to be resolved. Stay with me....hehehe :)
The couple may agree to disagree and one of you changes your ways to suit the other for the sake of harmony. (which is not necessarily a bad thing) In a perfect world you both contribute.
Both may consider the agreement to consist of several smaller agreements....and lose the whole idea if not careful. The whole thing ideally is heated from within the honesty of your hearts and it radiates out and finds agreement in purpose. Unity.
When the clouds come and obscure the sun, one can always ask, WHAT WOULD LOVE DO?
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