| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 6:59:21 PM | I am newly out of a long term marriage and sooo new to the dating world. I met a man online about 2 months ago. He seemed to "click" right away.. He calls me about every other day. We both work so we haven't spent too much time together, but when we do we always have a good time..I think .
But I can't tell if he really likes me, or wants to be my buddy, or feels bad for me because of my messy divorce...
Every other man I have met online has made it clear, they like me..they want to see me again, they are attracted to me...all except him. And of course, he's the one I am always hoping will call...
So what do I do...ask him directly. Continue to meet new men, and just see what happens? Forget about him and move on? (easier said than done)
I am just lost. I was married for 20+ years and all of this is so foreign to me..I am not sure what ettiquete is appropriate. I don't want to be direct and have him think I am nutty...like out buying bride magazine or anything..I am very sane. I just wish I new if there was a potential for this to go anywhere or not..
Any advise on how to proceed? Please help! | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:06:09 PM | I would continue dating him and others until more is revealed. You just got out of a long-term marriage and I believe you need time for yourself. Meaning to get acquainted with your new "status"/life. I'm sure it is challenging to find yourself single again after having a partner for so long. You don't want to "fall" into the arms of someone until you are mentally prepared to do so.
Just enjoy your life and the time spent with one another.
All the best,
 | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:10:50 PM | Thank you, I am trying to be very conscious of a "rebound" relationship. I am honestly not moving fast, have not slept with him or anyone . I just really like this guy...and have no idea if it's mutual...it's crazy - on the one hand I think if he had no feelings for me he would probably quit calling which he has not...on the other hand if he really liked me I would think he would be even more attentive...
I am sure I am overthinking it all...but it frustrates me to no end... | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:13:21 PM | Another "All I had to do was ask instead of Assume in a Relationship" question.
Nutty thought: Go ask him.
You will then have your answer. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:14:50 PM | YW, Robin. I know what you are going through. I think we all have experienced this at some point or another.
Some people tend to take things slower or possibly a bit aloof than we care them to be. If you feel so strongly about this, take a more proactive approach and call/invite him out on occasion. If that doesn't work, then just ask him (my last resort). | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:21:01 PM | | KingDingDong is right...just ask! But be prepared to look him in the eyes when he responds, because it doesn't mean he'll be truthful. My experience has been, if you have a feeling something is missiong or isn't quite right, it isn't quite right. he knows you like him.. >>heart stomped flat, but not again<< | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:22:36 PM | | This is a tough question even when you aren't out of a long term relationship. I have a friend who's kind of going through what you are so I'll tell ya the same thing. Just go out, have fun, enjoy each other -- and stop analyzing:-) I don't know why you would stop seeing him if you like him. He obviously like you and has fun with you too. I don't see any red flags here. Maybe he's going slow because he knows what you've been through and doesn't want to put any pressure on you or move too fast. Relax and just have some fun! | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:32:37 PM | I'd ask him. Better to actually know for sure where you stand, then to assume, and maybe find out you were mistaken at a later point in time, which could really hurt your feelings.
Just tell him how you feel and ask. If he's that great of a guy, he can handle a simple question like that.
Good luck. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:36:53 PM | Two months is not a huge amount of time so I would probably advise just letting things unfold for the time being.
I have also come to the conclusion that you should also learn to speak up and not be afraid to ask questions. If that sends him running, he is probably not the right guy and would also not be a good long-term prospect, and better to know now than to keep hoping for something for months that is never going to happen.
That said, he may be holding back because he is a smart man and really DOES like you. Most people are really in no condition to date or have a relationship for at least six months to a year and with grieving a 20-year-marriage (not in a bad way just part of the process) you probably should not be involved because anyone you are with will be rebound guy.
If he continues to date you until you are in the frame of mind to have a relationship then things could work whereas if you get together now they may not. Also, sometimes people seem to click because they are the polar opposite of the ex, not because the new guy is the right guy. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:40:55 PM | Well, I haven't ask because I don't want to look or feel like I am desperate..because I don't feel like I am.
I did ask him to go with me to a formal function at my work and he said yes right away, even if he has to travel all the way home and back again in the morning for work (he works all over the state). And he is helping me move in a couple of weeks. But I don't know if that seems like a really good buddy or something more? | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 8:00:20 PM |
Every other man I have met online has made it clear, they like me..they want to see me again, they are attracted to me...all except him. And of course, he's the one I am always hoping will call...
Isn't that always the case? Especially with you women? You are always drawn to ones you feel you can't have. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 8:36:24 PM | | I would just ask him directly. You're going to keep angsting about it otherwise, right? A couple moments of awkwardness when you ask is likely to save quite a bit more grief in the long-run. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:08:18 PM | | Relative to 20 years, two months isn't a great deal of time. If you were willing to put that much time into something that worked for that long, why not stick this out and just go with the flow to see how it unfolds? I personally believe that you should appreciate that he's been responsive, engaging enough for you to maintain interest, without going over the top and being too overbearing or too strong. I'd construe this as a sign that he's taking a very level headed and thought out approach to getting to know you -- I'm of the belief that someone who's very strong on professing their feelings in the beginning are on the losing end of a battle with the feelings that come across when a relationship/connection is in its "newness" phase. Better to have the slow controlled burn than the explosion -- if he's truly into you over the months it will become more evident and he'll step it up. Until then, just do you! | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:08:41 PM | He said "yes" right away, and he's helping you move?
How about inviting him to dinner (that you cook) after he helps you move? That would be a great way to thank him for his help, and a good opportunity to ask him. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:18:00 PM | I sure understand what it's like to be back in the dating world after years and years in that "other" world... It can actually be quite intimidating and in the way you have worded your post, I suspect it is intimidating for you... Don't let it scare you to the point where you make your decisions according to your "lack of experience" with being single.
He sounds like a cool guy in that he's demonstrating a fair amount of maturity and taking his time to allow you to "become comfortable". I'd say he is quite "interested" in you because it seems that he cares how you feel... (If we can see your fear here on POF, I am sure it's pretty visible to him... don't you think?)
Relax and enjoy this very special "no stress, no pressure" kinda guy...
(If he has a brother...  )... 
Good luck to you! | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:18:05 PM |
I am trying to be very conscious of a "rebound" relationship. I am honestly not moving fast, have not slept with him or anyone . I just really like this guy...
You are definitely overthinking it. Your brain is still married.
You can wait two months. two years or another two decades ... the first time out of the gate after a twenty year marriage is going to be kind of reboundy any way you look at it.
Life is short OP, ask him directly.
And by 'ask him directly', I mean sneak him into the coat check at the office party and have your way with him.
Twice.
After twenty years with the same guy, that took you to a 'messy' divorce, followed by some time to catch your breath and then a few celibate months on an internet dating site ... I figure you're probably due for a good healthy shag.
Give yourself permission and then enjoy yourself. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:23:49 PM | | If not knowing is bothering you, I would ask. But there are ways to do it without seeming desperate. You could for instance talk to him about how much his friendship means and simply ask if he sees anything else developing, but that if not, you will still cherish the friendship and enjoy your time together just as friends. If he knows about your divorce, you could even mention that you just need a little clarity in terms of whether to open yourself up emotionally. Being open is not a bad thing, you just don't want to make it seem like you are judging him or expecting anything. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/18/2008 10:23:13 PM | I'm sorry darling you know what we felt was real and magical. I didn't think we had to put in words or label our feelings. Now that I know you are wondering let me assure you that I feel like you do and just wanted to go slow because I know we will be together forever. I wanted to be sure to build the rest of our lives on a solid foundation. I am so afraid of losing the best thing that I could ever hope to find in this lifetime or a hundred or a thousand lifetimes. Let me just say in closing y'all didn't believe I was for real did you?
I guess playing hard to get intentionally or not does peak the curiosity of the other person. Traditionally in our society men pursue. Sometimes woman just over think and even fill in the blanks with their imagination. He still calls you and you 2 still see each other. Nuff said, relax and just go for the ride and see where it takes you. Does it really matter at this point what he is thinking, he may not know for certain himself yet. If he intends to marry you and love you forever or plans on just being your buddy is there anything you can do to change his mind? This is not brain surgery or even a science. Feelings change and develop. Intelligent adults weigh compatibility factors over time and come to decisions that may be subject to change. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/19/2008 2:36:16 AM | Well if you have the type of personality that can just straight up ask him, then that is what I would do. Maybe if he knows that you are seeing other men then he may think that you aren't all the way into him. Just broach it like 'I've really enjoyed our time together over the past 2 months and I'd like to continue seeing you. I was just wondering what your thoughts were".
Hmmm...yeah....Tell him what you told us.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/19/2008 3:21:56 AM |
Every other man I have met online has made it clear, they like me..they want to see me again, they are attracted to me...all except him. And of course, he's the one I am always hoping will call...
Of course, so I have a difficult time sympathizing with you. If he made it clear he was interested, you'd find someone else who wasn't interested to pine after. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/19/2008 4:13:57 AM | Men are generally "short-fused" on making decisions EXCEPT when it comes to relationships. We are not simply rats seeking cheese.
We ponder, we test, we screen, we observe, we indulge, we tap dance, and we remain steadfastly uncommitted. When an excessively long time has been taken, we take more time dissecting and re-evaluating our prior reviews.
Eventually, we make some sort of evaluation (aka a "committment").
Superficial factors which may influence the decision: liquor (beer is best), sex, back rubs, and environmental factors. A little cheese helps.
If women seek emotional decision-making, they have gone to the wrong place; in the end, it is a patently rational process. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:28:55 PM | Wow, thank you to everyone who responded...it's alot to think over..and some pretty rational sounding advice...
Not that I have any idea what to do yet...maybe I should just send him an email with a link to this thread?
Again, I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond..even when it's hard to hear. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:40:41 PM |
Not that I have any idea what to do yet...maybe I should just send him an email with a link to this thread?
Yeah...do that if you want him to think you're a weirdo. Trust me, I don't think it's a good idea to send the link. Just express your feelings. | |
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| I can't figure him out...Help??
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:44:49 PM | Well, okay nix that idea... I definately don't want him to think I am a "weirdo"...that's why I haven't asked him outright...I don't want appear needy or desperate...
I don't think I am either of those, but it's just frustrating to have NO idea what he's really thinking! | |
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