| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:00:45 PM | | I posted on here a couple of weeks ago. At the time, I was recently just separated from my husband of 8 years. He is 39 years old, and I am 29. Since then, I now know that he jumped immediately into a "relationship" with an 18 year old girl who works for us -- it actually started before we were separated when she was only 17. We have decided to try to go through mediation for our divorce to keep things from "getting ugly". We agree on most aspects of things, but I do have a problem with allowing my children to be around this new girlfriend. Is there any way to limit the amount of time she spends with them? I have a 8 year-old daughter and a 5 year old son. I want to ask that when they spend the night with their dad, that his new girlfriend not spend the night as well. I also want her to never be left in control of the children. Is there any way to limit the actual amount of time that she can be around them? I'm not trying to prevent him from seeing the children. However, I have huge issues with my daughter knowing they are together. The last thing I want is for my impressionable daughter to think it's perfectly normal and OK for a teenaged girl to date a 39 year old man. Their dad is going through a mid-life crisis, or at least I think he is, and I don't want my kids being drawn into his sick problems. Do I have any right to ask that she not be around the kids after the divorce? It seems like I've heard that, until he remarries, he may not be allowed to have anyone living with him ,or more importantly to me, staying with him when he is with the kids. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:03:33 PM | | Of course you have the right to ask, you can ask anything you like but I doubt there's any law that would make him comply. You say he's been a good dad so far so maybe he will be agreeable to see his gf when he doesn't have the kids. You can't stop him from seeing his kids for the reasons you state. I'm not saying you are wrong. I'm just saying there's no law against him having a gf. Maybe a lwayer can tell you more but I think you'll get the same answer. | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:23:23 PM | Since you're in TN, I can only answer one part of your question as to what your rights may include....the part about when he's not there and her looking after the children...You can request in your separation agreement and divorce decree, "First Rights of Refusal", which basically means if it is his 'parenting time' and he is not 'there' to parent, that the children be returned to you until he is 'there' to parent.
Mediation is fine and dandy, but if you are firm on what you desire without any room for negotiation (or he is), it will be determined by the court 'eventually' (especially in TN). Meaning, you need to seek counsel, and seek it before you go to mediation.
(Tried to email you, but you have filters on where I can't.)
~ds~ | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:27:52 PM | Well my ex did the same thing. Hooked up with a married co-worker 1/2 his age - left us and she hates my daughter so he see's her on the sly~~ We are divorced and he is supposed to have her every other weekend but that hasn't happened in almost 3 yrs. But she & we are happy so that works for us. Throws money at her out of guilt and kisses me & says he misses us....blah blah...blah.. Just waiting for the gold chain & ear piercing...LOL No you can't keep them sheltered - rather let them see so they learn....just my thoughts... Bless you and keep your head high sister!!!   L~ | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/18/2008 9:31:02 PM | Aside from asking him to respect your wishes, I don't know of anything you can do.
When my husband and I got divorced I got full physical custody, but gave him open visitation rights. He got to see the girls anytime he wanted. My only request was that he not drink with them being at his place. He is an alcoholic.
I thought all was well, til one day my oldest daughter unexpectly came home and caught me with a beer in my hand. She said, " Mom if you drink that beer don't be surprised if I become an alcoholic too."
She had never seen me drink alcohol as I rarely do and never did with her in my care. But her father was drinking with them at his house for how long I don't know, but she realized his addiction and having both parents drinking she thought she was doomed to follow us.
Needless to say, I emptied the can and told her I wont touch it ever again if she doesn't.
Point is...try as hard as we might, kids find out eventually. Just instill your moral values onto them and pray your ex can keep his "sick problems" out of the house when they visit.
BTW, he only lived a block away, so my request was not unreasonable, just send them home to me. | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/18/2008 10:22:10 PM | Your husband just left you for an 18 year old girl...I think you should focus more on what your ex is doing and less of what his girlfriend is doing...he is the adult here and he is dating a teenager...I'd would worry more about him than her...
You have a ten year age difference from him--sounds like he is into the younger girls....you were someone near eighteen when you met him if you have an eight year old daughter..you are not young enough for him anymore....she is now where you once were.....IMO he has issues...an 18 and a 40 year old may be legally okay but it isn't morally okay | |
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| Mediation doesn't have lawyers?
Posted: 4/18/2008 10:44:14 PM | That's one crappy mediation.
Here each parent has a lawyer and the mediator is also a lawyer.
You NEED a lawyer. All your concerns are COMMON in a divorce decree. If you're doing some backwoods divorce with no lawyers involved STOP! 
Everything you listed should be in your divorce papers. They are practically forms, the office has them on file, you just change the names the children, the religious holidays, etc.
There are legal terms for all this, I'm not the one who worked in a divorce lawyer's firm, I don't know them, but I DO know there should be a lawyer involved in your divorce if you want anything to HAPPEN with your requests.
GET
A
LAWYER
! | |
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| Mediation doesn't have lawyers?
Posted: 4/18/2008 11:10:50 PM | | I mentioned getting a lawyer to my ex, but we are also in the middle of declaring bankruptcy. I'm not sure if I can even afford an attorney to represent me through mediation. I cannot prove that the affair happened while we were married. Alright, I'm gonna get detailed here... About 7 months ago, I took two pair of his boxer shorts, nights after he closed the pizza places with this 17-year old girl, and there were semen stains in them. I hid them in my closet and had every intention of sending them into a forensic DNA lab to prove his infidelity. However, the process is expensive and I didn't have the money. Then, a few weeks later, I had to spend a weekend in jail for DUI... I know, that's bad, but it was a result of chasing after him for leaving me for her...he also got a DUI that night... Anyway, when I came home from my weekend stay in jail, he had miraculously cleaned the house. At first, I was very happy that he had thought to do that for me. That was, until I realized that for the first time in 8 years, he also cleaned out our bedroom closet, where the boxers were hidden. He washed them, and therefore, threw away any physical evidence of the affair. I have lots of "circumstantial evidence", but nothing to actually prove it. Yet, I know it began a while ago. | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/18/2008 11:13:28 PM | | First of all he's not a good dad. The most important job a good dad has is to love the mother. He didn't do that. I dont think its a separate issue. He probably also committed rape being with a minor. You need to see a lawyer and not tell him. Get some general advice and see what happens. His "girlfriend" is a girl. She cant' spell parent let alone be one. Think of yourself in 10 years; would you date a teen? This stuff is sick. He loves his kids thought, treated them properly so you should be supportive of him, but NOT supportive of this thing he's going through. good luck; but again, at least spend an hour with a family attorney for a consult. Right down your questions, and have him answer them. Good luck. | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/18/2008 11:17:21 PM | | If money is a problem, call your state bar association Monday. Dont get too crazy but play the victim card and tell them your in dire need of a lawyer but are flat broke. The bar has a group of lawyers that do pro bono work (free) and they will answer your questions. Be extremely appreciative and write your questions out before you call them. Also take notes while talking to the attorney. Again, call the state bar and seek council. This is a train wreck that needs to be put OFF the tracks before it wrecks completely. Good luck. | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/18/2008 11:30:35 PM | elove..i think you have controlling iiisues.. meaning you'd like to control the girlfriend..
and by doing so (logicaly) .. she/girlfriend would be spending lesssssss time with xhubby..
clearly youre still not over yoooour ex.
and the children i wouldn't worry much about them..
specially the most impressionable teenage gurl.. all you have to do is talk to her...
and she'd listen.
goodluck? | |
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| Mediation doesn't have lawyers?
Posted: 4/18/2008 11:56:02 PM | | Well I told my ex..(he was 30 I was 19) if he did not contact me I would not ask him for child support. I wanted to see how important his son was to him..It was the best decision I made..My son ended up with a great "dad" and his father lost out because my son is a wonderful guy who makes me proud. He missed out. He is now 59 and lives in a travel trailer (with an extension cord for electricity) attatched to his brothers house, What a life! It really makes me sad. Just make SURE you don't say anything bad about your childs "father" except that he is being selfish. His "father" is a part of who he is and if you put him down you put your child down. They can understand "selfish" and they will make up there own mind as they mature, without the negative comments. It's not easy..But sometime you have no other choice.. | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:01:29 AM | | OMG Hudson!! Are you for REAL?? She is worried about her child! You can't talk to a 18 yr old about your kid. Get real! He should put the children FIRST!! Maybe NOT DATE!!! Keep your DIC IN YOUR PANTS!!! THINK ABOUT THE KIDS!! | |
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| Mediation doesn't have lawyers?
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:06:28 AM | i believe she can talk to the 18yold..
heres the thing.. she simply dont like xhubby to be having fun.. | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:11:21 AM | Don't know much about the law, but I dont think your requests will be 'legally' granted.
Continue being the best parent you can be to your kids...Talk openly about their relationship with their dad. Kids are smart; they will figure it out. | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/19/2008 12:14:22 AM | You can ask, but unless there is a good reason (known druggies or sex offenders), I seriously doubt the courts will have much sympathy for your dislike of your ex's girlfriend.
If you don't make an issue of it, an 8 yr. old and 5 yr. old probably won't know the girlfriend is 18. To small children, almost everyone is a "grownup".
I'm sorry that your marriage is ending in divorce, but as long as your husband is not putting the children at risk, you really have no say-so in what he does. It won't help anyone if you use the children to punish him for cavorting with someone young enough to be his daughter. | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/19/2008 6:27:10 AM | As far as the man "not being a good dad", that is pure b.s.
The best father loves their child unconditionally first. Being a father has nothing to do really, with being a husband. Their sole responsibility, their sole obligation is to their child. That makes a good father, and if your man is doing that, then he's a good father.
Anyway, before I can answer honestly, are you wanting to limit the time the kids spend with this "other girl", is it only because she's too young for your kids to see their father with, or is there a combination of these...
1. Jealousy.
2. Unresolved Issues with the ex.
3. You don't want them to know he's seeing other people.
4. This girl may be a threat to your children.
I think it does more damage when you hide things like this from children. Actually, most children develop the messed up idea they are the reason for the breakup, and their mind becomes loud with negative chatter. It's best they know what's going on, or at least have an idea, an unbiased one.
You could seek legal advice. | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/19/2008 6:33:42 AM | I'm pretty sure there is no legal recourse here. In Michigan there are no restrictions on who the children are around during any parenting time unless there is a danger to the children. The best you can do is appeal to your ex not to have her around your children.
The question isn't whether he is having a midlife crisis (probably) or a good husband(clearly he isn't) but whether he is a good father. If he is, he should understand that the separation is hard enough on the kids without them having to watch their dad with another woman, regardless of her age. Their time with their father should be just that...their time. It should not be shared with anyone else.
I think it does more damage when you hide things like this from children. Actually, most children develop the messed up idea they are the reason for the breakup, and their mind becomes loud with negative chatter. It's best they know what's going on, or at least have an idea, an unbiased one.
I very strongly disagree with this. I can't stand it when people discuss their divorce with their children, especially young ones. All the children need to know is that no matter how much a mother and father love their children, sometimes even grownups just can't work things out. Assure them that mom and dad both love them and that it is something that sometimes happens and that it has nothing to do with them. Then make sure those words are followed through with actions.
There is nothing unbiased about telling 5 and 8 year olds that their daddy left the family for another woman. They don't need to know that and they wouldn't understand it anyway.
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/19/2008 6:42:28 AM | | In my divorce decree when my ex and I divorced....I had it written ...."no overnite visitors without benefit of matrimony"....I think that refers to company older than 18....What type of arrangement do you have with him with kids? Joint Custody...if you have joint custody not much you can do about who is around your kids when they are with him...he has the freedom to do whatever he wants unless it is illegal or unsafe ....If he just has visitiation every other weekend then his time with them is "limited" already.... | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/19/2008 6:47:27 AM | If you have such a clause as the one I stated above and will state again "no overnite visitors without benefit of matrimony"....and he has someone over or let's someone move in you can take him to court and he is in "contempt of court"....meaning he is no following his divorce decree....
If you do not have such a clause your divorce decree you could approach your attorney and discuss with him and take it to court and see if could have that "written in"...of course you are at the mercy of the judge and in some situations you ex has to agree to this clause ....(don't quote me on that)... a lawyer would know how to do it...
Try to get a lawyer that is a good family man...my own lawyer happens to be a rare find...he has good family values...it helps....if your own lawyer laughs at this idea or belittles the idea switch lawyers...and find one that takes your concerns seriously | |
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| How can I keep my kids sheltered from their Dad's affair?
Posted: 4/19/2008 6:50:35 AM | OP:
I do have a problem with allowing my children to be around this new girlfriend.
Unless you have reasonable cause to believe she would cause harm to your children, it's your "stuff" to muddle through, not the childrens' and not the ex's.
I want to ask that when they spend the night with their dad, that his new girlfriend not spend the night as well. I also want her to never be left in control of the children. Is there any way to limit the actual amount of time that she can be around them?
You cannot do that. Your ex's life is his own and she is a part of his life. You cannot in the absence of any evidence to support that she would harm your children limit in any manner her involvement with your children while on visitation with their father. Your local laws may allow a restriction about no overnight visitors but of what value would that be to your children when they already know he's involved in a relationship?
However, I have huge issues with my daughter knowing they are together. The last thing I want is for my impressionable daughter to think it's perfectly normal and OK for a teenaged girl to date a 39 year old man.
Your daughter knows and how is trying to hide that fact going to help her deal with your issues over his choices? Your over-focusing on what he is doing is more damaging to her than anything he is doing within the context of the OPost.
Do I have any right to ask that she not be around the kids after the divorce?
No, you don't unless you have compelling evidence that her being around your children presents substantial risk to the welfare of your children. Nor do you have any right to dictate his choices of a relationship partner.
Look, at risk of being bashed here, your marital issues have no place with your children. They are learning as much from your handling of this divorce as they are from their father's choices in his life and what you are teaching them on it's face is significantly more damaging to your children than the age of his partner. So he personally wounded you grievously with his choice. There are professionals that can work with you on getting through that aspect. You have no right to interfere, obstruct, limit and diminish their father in your children's eyes. Be thankful that he at least has an interest in continuing a relationship with his children when far too many fathers don't as it is. | |
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