| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/19/2008 2:17:35 PM | I was in a very bad relationship and towards the end one thing he said to me is this; 'All the things I once liked about you are the things I now hate'.
Part of me feels paranoid that this will be the same for everyone I get involved with, my quirky habits, ideas etc will eventually make them sick of me. I know that that may have been true for him, but it really cut me to the core and made me feel like I am only temporarily lovable.
Has anyone beein in a similar situation and how did you get past it? Is there any 'self talk' or anything to help me regain my confidence? | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/19/2008 2:29:01 PM | You say it was a very bad relationship but not how but I suspect there was a bit of abuse involved. Verbal and mental so this guy true to form wanted to part company delivering one last body blow. He has the problem not you. He I imagine has difficulty forming meaningful relationships and sustaining them. So please remember you are lucky to have escaped someone like this when you did before he did even more damage. You are you and be very sure someone will love you for being you.
The self esteen will grow again when you believe in you. Think of all the friends who appreciate you. Think of your achievements. Think that you are a good person stay positive that the future is bright so much brighter now you are rid of a bad relationship. Good luck. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/19/2008 2:40:04 PM | I totally agree with bird here. His modus operandi was to lower your self esteem so that you would see him and only him, and believe that you would be unworthy of anyone else. He was wrong to do that, but he did. Its your job to undo the damage.
Raise your self esteem.
How do you do this? Get out. Meet with people, talk with people, have fun with people. Join and get involved in a civic organization, a church, a club, a team, take classes, meet your neighbors, volunteer for something.
People will appreciate YOU for what YOU are. They will compliment you on your talents and abilities. They will build your self esteem. But they cannot do this unless you get out there and develop a social network for yourself. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/19/2008 2:45:17 PM | 1) Realise that life is 10% what happens, 90% what you do about it. Don't give others the power to dictate how you feel. Decide these things for yourself.
2) People like your *ex* (whatever he was) try to drag people down to their level rather than helping to build them up. Sad but true that there are people like this out there, but we all run into them from time to time.
3) Worrying about a single comment made by a person you obviously don't respect sounds like a silly way to live your life.
Solutions:
1) Find the good in your life and focus on that.
2) Surround yourself with people who support you. Stop seeing those who don't. Seriously, if they drag you down, just stop seeing them.
3) Remember that *you* decide how you will feel today, no one else. Sometimes it's hard, but there it is.
Hope it gets better for you. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/19/2008 2:45:43 PM | gday op.... firstly you are young... in it... takes time to form your individual identity/confidence...
trust me as you get older.... your confidence will grow..... part of that confidence is not giving others the power in words or actions to define how you see yourself...(as long as you can handle self honesty/truth)
my advice is truthfully look at any comments he made... objectively(not from hurt)... and if you need to change certain parts of yourself then work on that.. and we are all constantly improving ourselves or we are stagnant and never mature... (then disgard the emotional hurt/sting of his words)
as for the very things he found endering and attractive when he was first smitten by you?... well that can be quite normal...... every trait we have thats dominant.... has two sides the positive side of it and the negative side...
eg... someone is stubborn.... we can admire that b/c someone might stubbornly fight for human rights for eg?.. but flip side is that stubborness .. might be used to not change or accept faults within their life or self......just an eg
i find thats quite common.. the very things positive side (b/c they are such powerful strong traits) that attracts a person ... can be the very thing once the negative side of it builds up.. to help destroy a relationship...
be yourself... grow/learn/mature ... on any traits needing change.. and we all have them.......no one is perfect..
and dont let anyones voice in your head/heart/or soul be more powerful about you.. then your own.... take your power back..
smiles/peace
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/19/2008 5:03:01 PM | I heard it said once by some psycologist that it takes seven truly positive comments to overpower one negative slam. I wondered if it is true, really, but in looking back at some of the things ex's have said to hurt me in the past, I'm seeing some reality to the statement. I can think back to the good times when a partner constantly told me I looked wonderful or sexy, and then in the final moments of the last arguement, negated those compliments with one harsh put down toward my physique. At the time, I laughed it off, knowing that he too was hurt by things, and that people often use put-downs as a means of self defense. However, in the aftermath of the break up, those hateful words rung in my ears, making me self-conscience and doubting of my attractiveness. How to get over it? I don't know, really. I suppose over time, I began to realise that everyone is entitled to their opinion. Those comments made during angry spells are more often than not, made to be hurtful on purpose; for those who we have shared intimate time with know our weak spots and right where to aim words that will destroy our self-esteem. Of COURSE an ex wants you to be doubting of yourself! Its the only way they can insure that they slow down the process of you recovering from your relationship with THEM, and move on to love again... The best advice I can give you is to realise that most people say things they don't mean when they are angry or hurt. Just believe in yourself, and remember to take anything said in an arguement with a grain of salt. | |
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nogo3
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Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 7 | |
| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/19/2008 5:18:01 PM | hey OP, don't you know that when imature people break up wiyh their partners that they always say the worst and most hurtful things that they can think of when they break up,
you have to learn to ignore it and move on, if you really think that there is something wrong with you, go ask your friends.
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/19/2008 6:53:43 PM | Stop going back for more.  I always say that if you don't open the door they can't come in. It's not that hard. Find your way in life. If you choose your friends wisely, then to do the same with ex'es. Ask yourself if you would put up with such behavior from anybody else under similiar circumstances.
If there are kids involved, the only time is when they are old enough to talk to the ex directly, communicate. Let their little fingers do the talking. Age of understanding they say is between 8 and 9. Never answer the door, when the ex shows up, have your kid(s) answer the door instead. Never invite the ex in (see above), and if the ex has to come in, don't let then pass the front door, and let your kid(s) get their own things (leave the room) and never call him or her for anything, unless it's over an emergency, step up to the plate and deal with things as a real single parent does and should. What would you do if your ex was died? Sorry, look at your ex in this way and treat it with all due respect.
Once they go away, you'll look back and say to yourself, "Why didn't I do that sooner,? duh!"., and if you can't get rid of them use the dead thinking concept, it works. Hey, you got to do what you got to do. No body should have to put up with gossip, or any kind of abuse (that includes emotional, physical, mental, or spiritual) Sorry, don't go over well in my book even if you have children or history.
Say bye, bye.
Chela:  | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/19/2008 7:46:38 PM | | These kind of people that bad mouth are mad their spouses stood up for themselves. They can't handle rejection and are not happy...so they don't want you to be happy. Its right up there with alienating any children that are from the union from the other parent by bad mouthing that individual. Hes trying to punish you by stripping you of your friends your dignity and to make you doubt yourself. Words can be a sharp sword..but in the end they are only words. If my so called friends believed anything my ex had to say about me without proof...or giving me the benefit of the doubt....they would no longer be my friends. It is amazing how damaging a vengeful person can be...but aren't they just mirroring the damaged person they know themselves to be? I wouldn't take what he has to say with any merit...believe in yourself and put yourself around positive people. I was called every name in the book...even humiliated in court....in the end he still had to prove it....and couldn't. He exposed himself to be the vengeful man he is. People will get tired of hearing him blather on about you being the coffee table topic. Don't give him the power to make you feel bad about yourself and don't put so much energy into worrying about what other people think. Everytime the old recordings come to mind...say something good about yourself. Forget the man who put those old recordings into play. If he really thought you were so bad..why did he marry you and stay with you??? Hes got sour grapes because he lost you and feels rejected. Let him weave his webs and fall...at some point he will have to grow up and stop being a whiney gossip...no one wants to hear his crap! Hang in there...believe in yourself..and your abilities. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/19/2008 8:38:01 PM | Some of the best advice I received during my dark days of separation was:
1. Never badmouth your spouse. Be civil and your children will notice in time.
2. Never cut off your children. Theyb may go away some at times but will come basck if you do not cut the cord or rubber band analogy.
3. Never ask your spouse/Former spouse about their social life. It will only hurt you, open up new wounds, and be considered a catalyst for a fight you do not need.
4. Work through all that you can mutually. Work on yourself primarily. Release that which you cannot control or change.
5. Move on if number 4 is unsuccessful. Having a great life is the result of learning more about yourself and how you relate to others.
I hope this can be of assistance in your pain.
Sincerely,
Txlover | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/19/2008 9:00:03 PM | You said it yourself - it was a bad relationship. The fact that you are quirky only makes you unique to yourself and someone will appreciate it and you will know the difference between a good and bad relationship.
No I haven't been in your situation, but then you haven't been in mine either.
As for hurtful things having been said? I was once asked to be the other woman. How did I get past it? I didn't do it.
My two bits worth.
jtf | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/20/2008 6:03:21 AM | [Some of the best advice I received during my dark days of separation was:
1. Never badmouth your spouse. Be civil and your children will notice in time.
2. Never cut off your children. Theyb may go away some at times but will come basck if you do not cut the cord or rubber band analogy.
3. Never ask your spouse/Former spouse about their social life. It will only hurt you, open up new wounds, and be considered a catalyst for a fight you do not need.
4. Work through all that you can mutually. Work on yourself primarily. Release that which you cannot control or change.
5. Move on if number 4 is unsuccessful. Having a great life is the result of learning more about yourself and how you relate to others.
I hope this can be of assistance in your pain.]
Wow. Txlover, whether or not you have kids,that is GREAT advice and should be followed by all.
As for me, I can tell you my ex pretty much told me I wouldn't be able to make it on my own and that I would turn into welfare trash. Isn't funny??? A year after we split, he lost his job and his credit is in the proverbial dumper because he can't manage money and I am still gainfully employed and paying my bills, and doing just fine in spite of this very tough and tight economy. Oh yeah, he also hooked up with a welfare whore who has a bunch of kids by several different men and within six months she walked out on him! I just sit back and laugh my fool a$$ off!
Like the old saying goes: what comes around goes around. and vice versa...........
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:24:25 AM | I would almost take this as a grain of salt if it was toward the end and he was angry at the moment. If those things were that bad, he wouldn't have stuck around in the first place.
Don't forget the old saying that the things that drove you crazy and you hated are the things you miss most when they're gone :-) | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:33:19 AM |
All the things I once liked about you are the things I now hate.
The fact that HE now hates them makes those feelings his and HIS problem doesn't it? It doesn't mean that the things he once liked about you are things that aren't worthy of someone ELSE liking them.
See the comment for what it is, hard to do I know, but his feelings are his and have nothing to do with the reality of who you are.
Hope that makes sense, it's too durn early for me to try and be philosophical. :)
Sue A | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:38:03 AM |
I heard it said once by some psycologist that it takes seven truly positive comments to overpower one negative slam.
Great ! Then that means that I might get over the things my own mother said about me (fat, ugly, worthless among a few) at age 5 by .... oh ..... age 150 ! lol | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:38:55 AM | OP- Most likely these things were said as a parting shot to ressurect his self-esteem or to justify his departure in his own mind and as such don't imply that even he believed them so why should you?
In any event it was just his opinion and I realized long ago that "Opinions are like ass-holes - everybodies got one and they're generally full of shit"!
Chuck the old baggage and travel light as you search for the one who will accept you as you are and cherish the opportunity to spend their time by your side.
Bon Voyage! | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:54:45 AM | Pretty similar situation for myself. Just realize that often when people are frustrated, and this is what I have realized after going through all the cycles of emotion, that things are often said as an intentional "jab" to make you feel some of the pain that they perceive they feel. Just be honest a evaluate anything that was said from an objective perspective and see if there are things that perhaps you do or have done that that might be troublesome to a relationship and if not chalk it up as "swinging on the way down". Don't let a few comments put a dent in yourself esteem in that you second guess yourself. We all get a little gunshy when hit by a ball and stepping in the batterbox may be hard the next time but we often find that its not nearly as scary as we made it out to be. :)
All my best ... | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/20/2008 11:15:11 PM | you can regain your confidence by liking yourself.
It's that easy and it's that hard. I know.
Remember that people say things to hurt you a lot of times and when they are close to you they know exactly where to aim. SO what this tells you is that he picked up on your insecurities about yourself and it's something you have to work on for yourself.
Trust me, those quirky habits, ideas, etc will be exactly what some lucky guy will LOVE you for!!!
Don't change for anyone. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/21/2008 1:26:12 AM | A lot of people have had that same sort of experience. Having it out at the end of a relationship is like working retail. You can have a morning where ten really nice customers come in and you feel great. Then, right about noon, in comes that one asshat customer that lives to ruin your day. Maybe he tells you you're bad at your job and you should be replaced with a monkey. Maybe he just yells at you a lot. *shrugs* Either way, you spend the rest of your day just wanting to go home. Then when you DO get home, you worry about the customers that will come in tomorrow.
The, "All the things I once liked about you are the things I now hate" comment is that one jerkstove of a customer. It you hold onto that comment and keep it in your memory, it will keep eating at you, like it or not. Keep in mind though, that the relationship was not a good one; you said that yourself in the original post. With that in mind, if the relationship was so bad, then you should not put so much weight into comments like that. They're meaningless.
Like a few others have said, you should work at getting your confidence back up and have fun doing so. Join a club, take up a new hobby, start building scale models of boats out of cans of soup, anything. Just get out a bit, meet some people and make some new friends; maybe reconnect with people you might have lost as well. Just re-discover your life and the ability you have to change your life as well. When you start doing that, you'll feel like ten times better, seriously. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/21/2008 3:48:23 PM | | Thank you for all the helpful advice. It is hard not to hold onto words sometimes, but it is not healthy, I know. I am sure the more I work towards my goals the more I will forget such words. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/21/2008 4:07:10 PM | We must have the same ex, lol
They are clever, and twist things you say and do, and then tell other people that you are the one that is is screwed up...But those people see through all that garbage, he just makes himself look bad, and are hoping you get away! They are plugging for you in their own ways. Just remember, the next time someone (even him) does that, call 'em on it. I like to give them one benefit of a doubt...and no more, anymore. | |
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| Hurtful things said by exes, how do you get past it...
Posted: 4/21/2008 5:29:51 PM | | I guess at least she didn't try to kill you.. Or try to get you to kill yourself. I'm a recovering alcoholic and my ex was telling people that "if only i could get him to drink again i could kick him out and take his apartment." Then she filed false charges against me, is trying to take my apartment, and now i can't go home. All this happened after i found out she was kissing her ex who just got out of jail for trying to run his girlfriend over with a car...Women can be brutal my friend. | |
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