| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 6:24:13 AM | | I was reading a thread about whether one should take time out or move on after a split-up. Some people say they need time to "analyze" what went wrong. Considering one was in the relationship what is there to analyze? Has anyone benefitted from such analysis and, if so, how? What did you learn after the relationship ended that you didn't understand before? | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 6:43:12 AM | It depends on which kind of split-up we are talking about.
Usually people need to get rid of the old, in order to be open to the new: it is called 'grieving time'. If your energies are stuck on the old, you do not have time or space for the new ( a kind of like the way I feel right now). | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 6:54:43 AM | After 19 yrs, it took me a full year to have any interest in dating after my divorce. After a 3yr relationship I was back in the game in about a month. Shorter relationships have taken less time.
So I guess it depends. For a long-time serious relationship with lots of baggage? Sure that'll take time and healing and counseling and analysis.
But for something shorter? Without the attachments? Just enough time to check and see who's out there on POF! | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:02:21 AM | | If it's a particularly long relationship that's ending you need grieving time as another poster said. My longest relationship was six months and it took me two months before I'd even thing about dating again. Not the best example I know, but it's something | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:06:38 AM | OP also asks "What did you learn after the relationship ended..."
I learned that we need to respect all people for who they are, and not try to change them to become what we want them to be.
I learned that abuse is so much more than the physical and sexual that you hear about on the news.
I learned that emotional abuse can be extremely degrading, and will run your self esteem into the ground.
I learned that when someone lowers your self esteem, you become more dependent on them and are less and less able to escape their wrath.
I learned that a life free of someone's controlling nature is incredibly wonderful.
I learned how to see the warning signs of controlling behavior, how to avoid it, and how to de-fuse it. | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:11:19 AM | There is evidence that if you jump in after a nasty break up ..one can be bitter and hateful deep inside towards all members of the opposite sex...therefore, who they meet in the first thirty days will get the overflow of what pent up bitterness they had for the previous person. But then ........you get those who were abandoned....
In my paid site days...I met up with more than my share of ...out of the pan in into the fire guys. I ended up being a therapist ..a friend who they can count on to pour all of their issues out on...get calls at midnight, 2am because they could not sleep.
I had one guy ask me to accompany him downtown to his divorce proceedings..he didnt want to be alone. She was out of state and living with someone else...it was something on his getaroundtoit list. I felt sorry for him so I went..he bought me breakfast and as we left the building casually asked me to marry him...since I only knew him online for a few months and only met him one time..I declined. He thought it was a romantic moment in his life and .......well , ya never know. I felt sad for him and wished him good luck in his quest for romance. Never to hear from him again........
It's good to be on ones own for a bit..to re-establish themselves as one single person.
When you get to the point of actually liking oneself and would like to share ..THAT'S WHEN it's time to looking for that kindred spirit. | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:12:36 AM | When a relationship ends (not talking about a weekend fling .. a Relationship), there is usually a "little" baggage that needs tending. Those who jump from one to another, often find themselves getting angry or bitter toward the opposite sex, because they haven't dealt with the 'stuff' from the previous ..
Great example above.. If you've been abused, your self esteem is likely shakey at best, this is NOT a healthy way to approach a New relationship. It is important to get yourself back .. to go through those feelings .. ie: the grieving process. There are some who get stuck in the "anger" of that process.. they're obvious. We are emotional beings, even men! lol .. we all need time to feel, deal and heal. It takes 2 healthy people to make a healthy relationship (if you're lucky!) lol ..
I think it's Very important to "unpack that baggage" before getting involved with someone else.
Rebounds Suck!
A.S.is
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:16:35 AM | after a 12 year relationship with the same man and finding myself single again, i learned one thing, i'll never put a man's needs in front of my own 100% of the time as i did this person.
dont let anyone tell you what amount of time is correct before you start your search again. as for "baggage" we all have it...anyone who is seriously looking for someone understands this and is willing to help you "unpack" it. if you feel you're ready to start something new, dont wait... the old saying "you snooze, you loose" is very applicable here and in every day life that has nothing to do with this site or the people on it. go with gusto!!!
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:19:29 AM | While women are stereotyped as loving to analyze things to death, it helps for both genders to get the ex out of their system before moving on...otherwise they are typically rebounding. Unless you just want her for sex, you would want her to think of you, not of him when she's with you, right? :)
So what is there to analyze? Plenty. What kept you in the relationship, what were the warning signs you ignored, what will you do--and not do--to get a warm pair of arms around you again, etc. For some, a breakup means to them that they weren't attractive enough to get someone to ignore their faults...so time is needed to get past that thought process.
If you aren't looking for a lifetime partner,then you don't see a breakup as a FAILURE... | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:19:59 AM | | i've never really had a brief relationship- they have always been long enough for me to get to the point where i start thinking about the future with that person and my path changes, so when it ends i need time to figure out whats important to just me again and find my own path again..... if that makes sense ? lol | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:29:53 AM | Usually after a split people go through different stages (especially after a long term r/s). More than often they say ' stuff them' I'm over it and out they go out on the town. (This is what I call the bandaid effect).
Sooner or later emotions begin to surface and they get left with a hundred questions spinning around in their head.
Some of the things a person needs to come to terms with are .....
1. Memories
2. Hate
3. Love
4. Low self esteem
5. Where did I go wrong
All of these things make a head spin and until a person has faced their demons they should not go throwing themselves 'out there'. How many times do we read threads about 'a person still going on about their ex?'.....how many 'I hate all men/women' threads do we encounter? and how many 'he/she is just not over their ex'?
Taking time out for oneself is important. To try and begin a new relationship without dissecting your previous relationship is not fair on any potential 'love interests' you may encounter.
girls seem to take a lot longer to grieve over the demise of a relationship,whereas *MOST* men seem to get back into the dating scene straight away ,without skipping a beat !! .....This I disagree with if you are speaking of 'Long Term'. I have witnessed many a man grieving over the death of a relationship.....sure they handle it differently, but they still grieve. Take my friend who committed suicide and take my own ex who couldn't move on with his life even after 3 years of us splitting up.....It's all good he's in a new relationship now complete with children and I'm happy for him.
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 7:34:25 AM | | I really don't think it's a matter of alalyzing what went wrong. I think it's just time to take a break. Find out what you want and where to go from here. I don't want to jump right back into the fire when there are still feelings so fresh -- whether they're good or bad. And like some of the posters mentioned in the other thread, it's really not fair to the person you jump in with next especially if they're looking for a serious relationship and you're just trying to find something to get your mind off of the last one. | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 8:37:57 AM | Woman are emotional and analytical.
Its not just about taking time to sort out the mistakes on both sides and what you learned but sensible time not to rush back out there the next day and rebound onto someone new too quickly.
The use of transferrence of affection with the new person to hide the inadequacy from the original relationship ususally ends in about 6 weeks after you realize you haven't healed from the original person and the person your now with definately isn't them.
It catches up with you in your new relationship anyway.. cause sooner or later you have to deal with it.
Some people just don't like to be alone.. heck we can sit and analyse that one to death..
and all the psycological definitions that go with it...
I just see it as some people just don't like to be alone. I've had a few male and female friends tell me straight up flat out that is the way they are. In those exact quoted words. They need someone in there lives. That's it. Take it and them any way you want. You can't change the way they are.
We all have a different way of dealing and healing with things...
you also have to ask yourself.. Why... Would someone get involved with you knowing your fresh out of a relationship? We could analyse that one to death now as well... Couldn't we? | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 12:09:30 PM |
(Msg 8) It's good to be on ones own for a bit..to re-establish themselves as one single person.
(Msg 16) I just see it as some people just don't like to be alone. I've had a few male and female friends tell me straight up flat out that is the way they are. In those exact quoted words. They need someone in there lives. That's it.
That's the part I don't get.  If a person is the type who "needs" or desires someone in their life why would they want to re-establish themselves as a single person?
I hear a lot about going out with friends and taking up hobbies/interests in order to fill ones life but it seems counter productive. It's like losing ones job and then deciding to take day courses or committing to a volunteer position during normal working hours. In both cases the time fillers will interfere with one seeking what they truly want.
Why should I meet the person for coffee, unless they are exceptionally special, if I'm tired from going out last night with my friends? Or maybe I'm committed to a volunteer project early the next morning, perhaps driving someone to a medical appointment, so I decline meeting that evening.
I think as people get older it's so easy to become set in their ways. Their life gets busy but it's filled with second place things. While their friends and social intereaction with people learning a new hobby/interest are definately enjoyable their desire for a partner is never fulfilled. Rather than "settling" on a partner they've settled on having no partner. I don't see that as being preferable and I feel, in many cases, that is the result when one takes a lengthy time out.
From what I've seen the longer a person remains single the more difficult it is for them to find someone. | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 12:18:54 PM | I don't know how could anyone find someone else to be with right after breaking up? Finding someone i can even be with more then once a week visit is a challenge never mind a partner. I just don't get how someone could so easily find someone they would care deeply enough to be with right after breaking up with someone. That doesn't even cover the strong feelings that come up after a break up.
Is cohabitation that much of a casual thing these days? | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 1:18:31 PM | Well while I have heard the best way to get over someone is to get under someone that just never worked that way for me.I gotta get over stuff... I am not interested in jumping back in the murky pool. I take time for myself. Hey it is not nice to use people I know men might disagree with that statement | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 1:27:09 PM | It's kinda like if you get bit by a dog, you're not running out to pet the next dog you see.
Ehh..it's nice to get adjusted to being single (and usually HAPPY) again! I've never enjoyed it more myself.  | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 1:30:00 PM | Well for this little odd duck, I did all my grieving the last year I was married.
When I walked out that door for the last time, it was with nothing unsaid, nothing within my power untried to repair what was wrong, nothing held back on my part either emotionally or mentally. Basically, I walked out that door with a clean slate.
I didn't need to mourn or anything else, because I had already done it in the process of leaving. I felt no anger, no sadness, no nothing. It was done.
Others, especially if you are broadsided by it (ie: cheating), you do need time to deal with the emotional and psychological things that will come with that. | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 1:33:56 PM | I've dated 3 guys who were seperated for less than a year. All 3 referred to their exs a lot, also using "we" instead of "I".
2 of these were definately not ready for a relationship, and seemed disinterested.
Personally I think if you're just out of a relationship you haven't had enough time to be single and work out what you want.
It's ok to date as long as you're upfront about the fact it might not lead anywhere. | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 1:43:34 PM | Well you always need some type of closure from a past relationship, so that you don't bring any negativity to the new relationship.
Some people do this by analyzing the past.
Some just need a little time.
To each his own.
Good Luck.
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 2:19:38 PM | Well I would have to say that my ex didn't bother on taking his time. He's already got his new g/f moved in along with her daughter.
Why take time? Make sure that you are emotionally ready to be part of someone else's life as well. You don't want to keep comparing a new person to something your "ex" might said/done. It would not be fair to the new person in your life. | |
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| Why take time out after a split-up?
Posted: 4/20/2008 6:23:12 PM |
(Msg 25) In fairness to the next person who will come into your life...no one wants to be "rebound guy (or girl)".
That's another thing that confuses me. People say a person coming out of a relationship will attach themselves to someone and after a while they will dump the "someone" because they hooked up with the "someone" just because they were lonely.
On the other hand people say one should not to hook up with a person who just came out of a relationship because they will be taking advantage of a lonely person. So, which one is correct as they appear to be opposites? | |
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