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 GrtGal16
Joined: 4/5/2008
Msg: 1
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?Page 1 of 1    
My question is: Why do men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good? I met a man online years ago. You can't really say we dated because it was more of a phone thing. Yes, me met a few times and NO he isn't married. I know that for a fact. I have spoken to his sister, brother, father. Been there for him when his mother died. If anything we were good friends and we did connection very well. We did speak about us maybe taking it further and either him moving to Philadelphia or me moving to Flordia. I always kepted in touch even when we would have fights over nothing really serious. One day, he tells me that he is seriously thinking about buy a house and wanted to know if I would give him a chance and see what could develop. I do have feelings for him and I do feel deep down inside he does also. But I could tell somewhere he has been hurt deeply but won't admit to it. So I get the call stating that he changed his mind and it's over. I said ok. So do you want to continue to remain friends and talk? He stated NO. I said ok. Only six months later, now he is calling again and trying to make conversation. I will always care deeply for him but I can't stand the hurt. If I mention what happen he doesn't want to talk or deal with it. In all honesty, if he met someone, I would be fine with it. I just can't stand the head games.
I'm confused...Any suggestions???
 Kingdongilingus
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 2
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/21/2008 6:18:12 PM
Cheaper than the alternative divorce, for one.

For two, lotta men out there too chicken to get back into the game, like women, so they stick to a screwed up deal like they are super-glued.

For three, Habit comes to mind. People are like water, they flow easiest in the riverbed they already know, even in bad stuff. Not all Humans LIKE to uproot what they have, and try out something else.

It isn't a head game when it is simple. It is a headgame when you don't think ahead, and end up playing someone elses game (there you go Ladies, relationship Man-Truth).
You can't lose to another player if you don't play their game. Duh!

Blehhhhhhhhh............this old boy had a backup, and rolled his dice and it didn't work.
Like most people, he realized he did a stupid, not once but twice, because it didn't work out. He then tried to default to you: His other backup.

He made that bed, and now he don't want to go sleepy-time in it by himself.
That would be where you come in. Make a choice, Yes or No.

*EDIT*
Here come the crowds now chanting, "Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil!". Good luck to you, sister.
The emotional caltrops are on their way! Ahoy!
 lillady37
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 3
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/21/2008 6:27:53 PM
Don't know what to tell you . I been going through that since 2002 with a man I was with didnt hear from him till 2008 told me he was coming home from Iraq and asked me if he can come home that he finally woke up. The only thing i knew to say was it looks like the grass wasn't greener on the other side so you want home . what it's all about is a head game with him self . I loved him and he took it for granted now it's time to let him go and not look back. If the man is playing head games with you let it go there is better men in this world and more men in this world than just him.
Ps. You ever find out why they hold on fill me in i would love to know
 GrtGal16
Joined: 4/5/2008
Msg: 4
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/21/2008 6:28:27 PM
Hmm....After looking at your profile, I can see why you answered the way you did. Also your comment: He made that bed, and now he don't want to go sleepy-time in it by himself. That would be where you come in. Make a choice, Yes or No.
Him and I don't live in the same state. So as far as sleepy-time. There isn't any!
 RedCassandra
Joined: 10/9/2007
Msg: 5
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Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/21/2008 6:42:51 PM

Why do men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?


Not all men act like that.

But, this particular one seems to be unable to make up his mind.

I would file him in a friend zone, unless he steps up to the plate and make a serious move, which will show that he is determined to make it work.

As for why? Who knows? If I could read minds, I would be making fortune in real world, not playing on forums.

 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 6
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Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/21/2008 6:50:57 PM

Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?


This is what I learned, I have a couple MALE FRIENDS that love to pop up into my life like that...

You are the back burner, or in the wings girl... You are likable, nice, funny, great, blah blah blah, but there's this distance thing, and the fact that he knowns you, but has some thought process he can do better..

Then things don't pan out, so where does he come crawling, and get welcomed back??? TO YOU....

When you realize that you are his backburner girl, and take YOURSELF off of his list of being the back burner... He'll either get a clue (less likely), or he will friendzone you, and leave things at that, because he knows you are NO LONGER interested in his behavior, or your words and agree "head games"...

AND sure he has feelings, but when he doesn't want to address that he's hurt you, it is because he'd have to admit he wasn't being kind...


I'd put him in the friendzone, and not unfile him from there, he really doesn't sound like good relationship material.
 vintagememories
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 7
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/21/2008 6:55:42 PM
Sounds like he met someone, it didn't work out and now he's back calling you. I say forget him, to many fish in the sea to head trip over this guy.
 shay74
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 8
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Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/21/2008 9:16:15 PM

Sounds like he met someone, it didn't work out and now he's back calling you. I say forget him, to many fish in the sea to head trip over this guy.


Agreed.
 Tonyrocks
Joined: 6/13/2007
Msg: 9
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Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/21/2008 11:24:55 PM
Theres no excuse for his words and actions, talking about moving in and buying a house together and developing a relationship is great but it's SERIOUS. if he promises you the world and then takes it back the "next day" thats called teasing, if he's saying he doesnt want to be friends and then he's like yes the "next day" thats manipulative. Dont play that game move on but right before you go lay out the cards on the table, tell him this........

I love you theres no question but enough is enough Im moving on, I dont want to hear from you or see you ever again. No phone calls, no emails nothing. If you love me the same then you'll make good on your promise the house the moving in and the realationship. If he tries to cheat and say okay the relationship say no its all or nothing.

Now it can go two ways but do give him some time to think it over but make sure he's the one who delivers on the promise. If he doesnt call you back asking you to move in at the end of the month then at least you'll know and you wont be always wondering. You then can move on clean and unscratched.
 rivereye
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 10
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/22/2008 12:36:14 AM
I agree with nexthyme, he's using you as an alternate to give his life "no hiccup" continuity.
Your his "back-burner broad". IMO, not a good idea to keep seeing him. Move on .
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 11
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/22/2008 2:19:33 AM
GrtGal16,

As others have mentioned, you are the back burner girl or the "spare tire" I should say. When the original tire blows out, one reach for a spare, in which will hold strictly until a new tire placed. Meaning, he met someone else or decided to commit to another person and when it didn't work out, he decides to call you to see if the door is still open...if he sees that it is, most likely he going to come in and stay just long enough to either get sex or until he finds someone who is better. It's really nothing to be confused about. This is something I find quite common in men (generally speaking), most have their own system of their "little black book"...and they use it basically to see if the door is still opened so they can ease their way back in, but usually it's only for a short period of time. When it happens to me, I just ignore the call or if I happen to answer not knowing who it is, when I do find out, I quickly state I'm busy and I'll call them back, but never do. It's quite simple. Just know, he doesn't really have an interest in wanting you back...it's only to fill his void.
 sarasotagal76
Joined: 6/24/2007
Msg: 12
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/22/2008 11:26:51 AM
Sometimes a person can like you and not be ready because of whatever reason. They are NOT playing games it is just how they feel.
I used to have a close collegue of mine who had a similar behavior with his GF for quite a while. She wanted comiitment and he either didn't want it or was messed up.
Finally, he realised that the time was right and commited. They are happily married now with an absolutely adorable kid. he liked her from day one it was obvious but was not ready.

Specific example related to myself. My BF from Russia who was in the same mode so to speak. I broke up with him. 2 months before me immigrating to the US and he didn't know that he was all suddenly ready for very serious stuff. It was a little bit late...
 Eon Blue
Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 13
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Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/22/2008 11:41:28 AM
I know I will be labeled as the great satan for this, but why do women do the same thing?
 johnlondonsingle
Joined: 11/21/2007
Msg: 14
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/22/2008 11:53:54 AM
you admit he isnt your boyfriend so why shouldnt he stay friendly with his ex.
this is a case of misplaced jealousy and wishful thinking.

you could have been his girlfriend,you would have met him more,he should have wanted you.coulda,shoulda,woulda...

and so to answer your question,he has a girlfriend-and its not you
 beachesofnc
Joined: 4/19/2006
Msg: 15
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Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/22/2008 12:39:48 PM
Soooo....I think if ya change your phone number and e-mail address...you won't have the issue of him contacting you again....right? If that's really what you want.
 chipper194908
Joined: 4/1/2008
Msg: 16
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:18:49 PM
Just because you may be divorced, seperated,..or simply had a bad experience ( to a degree),...doesn't mean you don't love them AT ALL. After all,...many divorced couples do have children. Do they not love their wife/husband for being a part of such a great gift? They wouldn't have the child in the first place,..if not for the partner. I believe that the "good memories",...not necessarily the person,..is what many hang on to.
 gonzofanmel
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 17
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Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/22/2008 3:28:56 PM
Four long wasted years of putting up with this bulls**t taught me that they (and when I say "they," I do mean women as well as men--it's not gender-specific. I've known girls who have done this as well). ... only do this when it doesn't work out with someone else and they need a little go-between/backup/insurance policy/safety net/plan B. until they find the next one they can ditch you for.

My advice would be to tell him to stop calling you. Be firm about it. If he calls, don't pick up the phone. They can only do this to you if you let them. YOU have the power to control your life. Don't give in. People like this are full of s**t and only want back what they can't have anymore. The funniest/saddest part is when they just expect you to pick up where you left off, and no time has gone by at all. They act all surprised, innocent and hurt when you tell them to f*** off. Like you've just been sitting by the phone waiting for them to contact you and haven't been living your life at all.

Trust me. Re-visiting the past isn't worth it.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 18
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Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/22/2008 5:32:44 PM

I know I will be labeled as the great satan for this, but why do women do the same thing?


Dear great satan, lord of the evil underworld

Same reason men do it, because they can... They have backburn guys, just as some men do... I think it has this feeding the ego and esteem thing, where if they don't have some attention coming in from the opposit sex then they feel like they are failures... So they pick up the phone, and put on that sweet ol reminiscence, and go over the good times building up the warm fuzzies they are sooooo sure that won't die (this is because they have history to prove it doesn't die), then the feel better about themself and go out on the hunt again...

It's not a sex thing, its a person thing... Great Lord oh Satan you....
 leah10
Joined: 4/15/2008
Msg: 19
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Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/22/2008 6:50:06 PM
I read some of the replies to your question. I dont like the term 'back burner'.

I think he does like you, he has to if he keeps coming back into your life after his little 'walk about'.

BUT I do think he goes off when someone else comes along, and when he is lonely he calls you, his trusted friend.

You have to do what makes you feel good, we only have short lives and as long as it dosent affect anyone in a negative way, just do what makes you feel good.

Good Luck!
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 20
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/23/2008 4:50:45 AM
leah10,


I think he does like you, he has to if he keeps coming back into your life after his little 'walk about'.


I totally disagree...he doesn't HAVE to like her, he can simply keep coming back into her life because he's lonely, wanting an ego stroke, or because he can. If he really had feelings for her (and wanted to be with her), he would have made an effort to apologize to her for the way he treated her in the past. Instead, he just blow it off, when she wanted to address it.

And a "trusted friend"...lady come on, if the man really considered her as this, he wouldn't had never terminated the friendship in the first place when she opted this...so she is indeed a back burner girl (or his spare) to him.
 aspiring_angel
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 21
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/23/2008 5:21:37 AM
OP You have the title wrong, it should read: "Why some women allow men to walk in and out of their lives?"

No one is forcing you to have feelings for this guy. You choose to accept his calls or not. He cannot force his way back in, if you don't pick up the phone.

I'd say learn to live without him and move on. The possibility of this working out are slim at best. Why put yourself through the heart ache? Especially since he's already broken it off with you once?

Only you can decide what's best for you.

Best Wishes ~
 ~Maggie~
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 22
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Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/23/2008 5:31:19 AM
^^^

You choose to accept his calls or not.
learn to live without him and move on.


Agree.

He may 'like' you but the time for a relationship with this guy has passed.

Good luck
 nycdoctor
Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 23
Why Do Men hold onto a woman if they say it's over for good?
Posted: 4/23/2008 6:17:36 AM
That is simple...they love the PY
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