| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 7:11:32 PM | | I recently had a few dates with one of the POF men. We saw each other three times in one week and then I was told on a Thursday that there was not any further interest in seeing me again. We will call this occasion a misunderstanding(this one, I'll take-my fault). So, when I was contacted JUST a day later by another man, we IM'd for the next two days and then I met him on the following Saturday night. Important to note that I was NOT speaking with the new IM man until Friday, I was genuinely interested in getting to know the man I had dated just days before but that was not an option now. Well, it turned out that my new IM buddy was going to be in my area and the situation and environment just happened to be one I was VERY familiar and comfortable with, so I accepted the invite to meet him. That meeting was ok and he was a sweet and fun guy but the chemistry just didnt happen. SO, A week after that, the first POF date and I had spoken. We both agreed that it was a misunderstanding/miscommunication and that we did still have interest in seeing each other. So, again, we spent a few dates together and then let's repeat the latter of sentence three (yep-same ending-this occasion-I wont take-NOT my fault, we will call this one DONE ) but he told me, that me seeing another man just days after "we" decided to end our attempt of "exploring the possiblilties" for us, that me meeting someone else was too soon, that I should have feelings and even though it didnt work out for us, that I shouldnt be over him so quickly. We were not ever exclusive, had just known each other for a week and there had been no sexual relationship. I am not some kind of robot and I do have a heart, I did have interest in getting to know him better and was troubled with the end results. Even though, I may feel or question the last meeting , why if any timeline or restrictions should be put on me ? Does that mean that there is some unwritten rules, some kind of mourning period or that I should be wearing all black ? | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 7:25:35 PM | Man #1 is nuts. You barely knew him. Why on earth should you need time to recover from your 'breakup' with him? You never had a relationship. What a ego!
You are right to get back out there immediately. Why not? If you are not in an exclusive relationship, you can date as many men as you'd like concurrently, not to mention consecutively. The only black you should worry about wearing, is that sexy little number in your closet, when you go out with the handsome man you're going to meet next. You go, girl! Good luck! | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 7:32:24 PM | You didn't do anything wrong. The guy didn't want to see you , so you moved on. There isn't any time frame for mourning after knowing someone for a week. Sounds to me like he has control issues. It isn't any of his business who you saw after he didn't want to date you. And, it isn't his business who you spend time with, period, until you have become exclusive.
Just curious...how did he find out you went on a date with this other man?? | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 7:33:41 PM | I would say that since two of you hit it off well enough to have three dates in one week, it would not be too unreasonable for him to expect you not to date anyone else at same time. Not because you were officially exclusive, but because 3 dates a week is quite a lot.
So, a lot depends on exactly how final that "there was not any further interest" sentiment sounded like - since apparently there was further interest. Since two of you had several misunderstandings, could this be another one of those, where you took it as the end and he took it as interruption? | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 7:40:27 PM | Guy #1 is nuts. You said you'd had "a few dates" with him, and yet he categorizes it as an exclusive relationship because you somehow broke the rules by going out with someone else *AFTER* he expressed disinterest? Ummmmmmm. No.
If I dated someone who told me he had no interest in seeing me again, I'd not try to read between the lines. My interpretation: He has no interest in seeing me again. If I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to meet someone new shortly afterwards, I'd definitely go for it. There was neither real nor implied commitment in your previous dating relationship. | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 7:40:54 PM |
How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
The same evening.
[he said] that I should have feelings and even though it didnt work out for us, that I shouldnt be over him so quickly.
Be glad he is gone and think no more of what he said. If you had seen him for a month, he might have expected you to retire to a nunnery. | |
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jf468
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 11 | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 8:08:52 PM | Okay, I've got to say, three dates in a week does seem like a bit much to me. Personally, I like to limit myself to one date a week. It kind of helps me to step back and get some perspective on the whole thing and take some time to decide what I think of the guy. Aside from that, right now I'm trying to really focus on keeping my own life organized, and I'm not ready to devote a really huge share of time to dating. If I dated someone casually for a while and it progressed from there, of course, I might change my mind. But I think too many dates per week, especially in these fragile early stages, can be dangerous.
At any rate, I'd have to agree with the poster who said this guy sounds like a control freak. I don't think there's any reason in the world to go exclusive after just a week or two of dating, and this whole bit about mixed signals seems odd, too. How do you accidentally give someone the impression that you're no longer interested in them? I could be overanalyzing, but I'm wondering if he gave you the brushoff because he was interested in someone else, then came back and told you it was a misunderstanding when it didn't pan out. In any case, be glad you're done with him, and try to take it a little slower next time if you can. | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 8:16:08 PM | | I don't date multiple people at once, but that's just my personal choice. It's again all about communication , if both people know they are dating others , there's nothing wrong with anything. In your case though you had both agreed it wasn't working out - then you were free to do anything you wanted to. Don't let any-one tell you what you should or shouldnt be doing, it's your life, and make choices that are right for YOU. | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 8:16:56 PM | I agree with pretty much everyone's sentiment. You have no responsibility to the first guy. 3 dates is quite a bit for a first week together and I'd have to believe there were some feelings for each other, but it's not like you made a serious commitment. Until you make that commitment to him, your attitude should be that there were 4 other days in the week that you could have used to date other guys if you wanted... and that's before you two even broke up.
After you broke up? hahahaha. That's quite some ego on that guy's part to think that you'd have to go through a mourning phase after you two broke up. If someone broke it off with me and I thought the waitress was cute, I might be asking her out on the way out. Ok... that might be a little tactless, but you should get the point.
Be glad you're done with him. | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 8:22:54 PM | I think that guy is either needy, confused or a jerk and possibly all three. He also sounds like a control freak... If he's like that after 3 dates what's he going to be like after a year?
His behavior qualifies him as a jerk according to the article I read today talking about the book "Don't marry a jerk". Good ridance to him and be glad you found out sooner rather than later.
As far as how long should you wait to meet someone else after the guy you are with ended the relationship? You should wait intil you find someone you are interested in and feel comfortable meeting. Could be an hour, a day, a week or whatever. It completely depends on you and the situation its your call and no one else's.
AC | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 8:36:51 PM | | You didn't do anything wrong. He's is probably trying to make you feel bad. I think it is quite simple if you are not in an exclusive relationship. Which it seems ,with 1st POF date guy, you never were . Then you are free to date whoever you like and how many people you like. Whether you broke up with someone yesterday , a year ago or a minute ago. Now some people may not feel comfortable as others dating again so soon but that's their choice. I am a little surprised when I saw inyour profile that you are 43. I was expecting maybe someone in their early 20's. | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 9:11:55 PM |
How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Whenever it feels appropriate to you or another fish comes swimming by, whichever one comes first.
I accepted a dinner date with a gentleman a few hours after being stood up for a lunch date, he showed up (don't know if I could have taken 2 blow offs in one day) and he stuck around for almost a year.
why if any timeline or restrictions should be put on me ?
There aren’t any unless you allow others to put them on you.
So, am I to understand that this guy was miffed because after three dates and expressing “no further interest” you weren’t sitting home by the phone pining and palpitating over him? He is an egotistical nimrod, just be glad you found out sooner than later. | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 10:45:39 PM | That is silly. Unless you had the "exclusivity talk" or got physically intimate with somebody I wouldn't worry about running a stop watch to see how much time has gone by before it is "ok" to go out with / meet somebody. Way to many factors affect people's lives and/or schedules to make silly "rules" about how much time is appropriate.
Some people prefer to focus on just one person at a time. But with some people preferring to email each other for weeks / months before meeting could take 6 months before you even meet someone who "triggers" your curiosity. I see no problem with getting acquainted with multiple people at the same time.
I still have POF friends that I stay in contact with. The gal I'm dating is fine with it... All depends on how well you know each other and if you have built a foundation of trust or not... | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 11:00:47 PM | | haha, when I read the thread title, I thought you were going to be asking about how many minutes...as in, if a date doesn't go well, is it cool to go on another date an hour later, three hours later, or 10 minutes? So obviously, I think that your guy likes you a lot and is feeling sensitive about things, and worried that you don't like him as much as he likes you. Can't blame him for having feelings (and not being happy that you were so ready to date someone else), but if he's saying that it was wrong of you to do so, then he's nuts. | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 11:05:23 PM | OK, this first guy says that you should have had feelings, blah blah and a lil more blah.
There was no commitment, there was no "understanding" and there obviuously was no intimacy. He sounds a bit of a control freak to me. Block him for your own good.
All you are doing is meeting people, getting to know them. You aren't dating them, you aren't intimate with them, and you certainly aren't in any kind of relationship with them. So as far as I'm conerned, there is no time limit between people you choose to meet. There is nothing inappropriate about meeting someone a few times just plutonically, deciding no thanks and crossing him off your list. I bet you dollars to doughnuts thats what this first guy did. As a matter of fact, I can almost guarentee it.
In short, you did nothing wrong. Feel free to meet and talk to people as you wish, as often as you wish until you find someone that makes your heart sing...or at least makes it hum a lil tune. | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 11:28:07 PM | OP, Guy#1 is nuts. What an ego he has. As others have said, a week of dating should not result in a "grieving" period. You don't know eachother at all.
I am definitely a person who believes that when a relationship is over, it is over. I am not a "we were separated for 6 months and you dated someone so you cheated on me" type of person. If we separated, the relationship is over. If we got back together, OK. But while we are separated, taking time out, or the relationship ended, there is no relationship and both parties are completely free to do as they choose. | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/21/2008 11:28:18 PM | You did not do anything wrong. Even if you dated him everyday for that week, then you parted, you did not officially declare exclusivity, so you were a free agent.
So what was the problem? You could go and date another guy within the hour of saying you have to stop seeing each other or even if you have not officially agreed to stop seeing each other. No commitment has been expressed! It was just one week, for heaven's sake.
Reminds me of the other day when I and a POF guy were planning to meet. It was just the first meeting. He said that I should not be seeing anyone else or chatting with anyone else now that I had agreed to meet him. He preferred that I even left POF. So I said, "But we are just meeting for the first time. It sounds like we are already going steady." He said, "That's what dating means!"  | |
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| How long after a POF date doesnt work out is appropriate to see someone else on a date site?
Posted: 4/22/2008 1:53:26 AM | I hear there is a Secret Police Society (SPS for short), that goes around making sure all the single, widowed, divorced, non-dating people wait for a month, by virtue of the Universal Law Code of Dating (Part2, section B, subsection iv), before venturing out again. And SPS do on the spot fines for those violating this Law. ....................
Oh please!  | |
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