| LA I Lo... er something
Posted: 4/21/2008 8:05:56 PM | We as a species dread horrendous certainties that we must face in life. Death is on that most certainly comes to mind as well as the existence of an afterlife and if they have valet parking. Health and relationship problems can also appear on this list especially when one is having relationships with small quadrupeds. Last Thursday I faced one of the dreadful of the dread that any human could ever face. LA traffic will forever cause re-occurring nightmares for as long as I live.
Two fellow employees and I were charged with traveling to Irvine on company business. You know it will be a less then optimal journey when you see Death incarnate at the local Hertz rental lot arguing that he did not get the car he had reserved. Personally I would give Death anything he desired but of course there are IDIOTS that will attempt to tell Death they have not what he wants. BAD move. We were told they had a full size car for us which of course in reality they never had. The only car that was left on the lot was a Smart car. How it got that name I do not know. Have you ever seen a Smart car? Imagine if someone took a washing machine and put 2 axels and four wheels on it and you have a Smart car! It is essentially a 2 seater, IF both people IN the car are Lithuanian midgets. We attempted to put out luggage in what they call a trunk but it would only hold my wallet and a pack of gum. We decided to make it fair that each hour; we would rotate taking turns being encased in a body bag and tied to the roof of the Smart car. We quickly created signs for the side panels that said “Econo Funeral Home”. The smart car has no radio as an accessory. They do provide a harmonica in the glove box but if no one knows how to play you are SOL, What is more excruciating is if someone knows a three note song they incessantly play for 3 hours. This culminates in a musical instrument being shoved up a certain orifice. If said musician passes gas, we still hear the harmonica but at least in a muffled form. The car per say is not a gasoline/electrical hybrid but a gasoline/ human hybrid. The floor boards are removable ala the vehicles from The Flintstones and provide a great cardio workout when attempting to drive up the Grapevine! The car does come standard with a hitch in the front for harnessing a horse or a pack of Chihuahuas.
We encountered LA traffic (I believe this occurs almost 2 states over) at 3 PM in the afternoon. Someone informed us rush hour traffic starts at 3 PM and runs to 2:59 PM, except in a leap year and that has something to do with sacrificing 7 live chickens to an Aztec God or something. We used our guile and wit to maneuver into the lane that was the commute lane (At least that is what they call it down there)! It gives you the false belief you are actually going to move faster then the rest of the traffic. I personally witnessed a woman that had to be 90 years old using a walker inching her way along leave us far behind as she disappeared into the distance. There are advantages to this. I began a conversation with a lovely looking woman in a car next to us and by the time we reached our destination we had our wedding plans finalized and guest list! I noticed one man reading a rather thick book and I asked what it was. He replied he was reading “War and Peace” and it he mentioned it was getting very difficult to find books long enough in length to last the entire commute.
You must understand before you enter LA you are stopped and given a pamphlet of the driving laws that only apply when driving in LA. If you refuse the pamphlet you are immediately given a 345 dollar fine for stupidity. The officer that handed the pamphlet to us had graffiti painted on his back and it was still wet. We realized the commute lane could easily be called the “Can I get to a bathroom before my bladder explodes” lane. When we read the pamphlet, we discovered that we could only enter and leave the lane at specific points. Unfortunately there are 6 lanes of solid traffic between you and an exit and this would be possible if one is driving an Abram’s tank. One law that puzzled me had to do with every person in a car must have a can of spray paint on hand to help contribute to beauty of city. I especially love the Constantine wire encompassing everything which prevents anyone from reaching highway signs, billboards and hospitals.
The highway is filled with enough rubber to keep Firestone located in Akron, Ohio making tires for years to come. If we had been driving a large truck we could have picked up several complete bed sets as well as a gang banger that was sleeping on one. I realized I had seen no animals on the road the entire time we were traveling. Usually you see some dead animal which has mistakenly wandered onto the road. Then I realized the only way an animal can get hurt in non moving traffic is to die of natural causes or a cerebral hemorrhage from walking headfirst into a stopped car.
It took approximately 2 ½ hours to drive 19 miles. Next time I find myself in this situation I will step out of the car and walk backwards to my destination and I KNOW for a fact I will get there faster then driving.
One business that would be VERY successful in LA would be bumper touch up and repair. 60% of all autos we observed had damage. I said to my co-worker “That is a GREAT idea, you could repair bumpers at a person’s place of employment” He informed me this would not work since you could only do 1 bumper per day since the traffic would make it impossible to get to any other location in time to do a second one. This of course spawned the idea; I will repair bumpers in traffic! No one is moving and I have a captive audience. If anyone runs across Randy Newman please inform me so that may locate and soccer kick him in the testicles. Thank you. | |
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