| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 9:48:45 AM | I recently dated someone for 3 mths. that seemed to be the one for me and I the one for him.Things went rather quick-he's the one that rushed things and I just fell in love with him.We were both lonely and needing someone and both been alone for 5 yrs.I wasn't looking when I met him and just about gave up.Than he appeared.My dream come true.He is a poet and really knows how to use the words.I fell for everything he said and did hook,line and sinker.
He bought me flowers,cards,candles and even bought me a promise ring only after one month of dating(WHY).He told me he loved me through out the relationship n wanted to be committed-even wanted me to move in with him.He lives with his mom in a very small place and she drinks alot.He doesn't want her to be alone,which I understand.
I didn't move in with him,because-#1 it was too soon,#2 There was no room for my stuff and #3 Transportation to and from work.His mom didn't want anyone living there anyway.And Although she was nice to me,I think she was jealous of me.
So,anyway everything seemed to be fine for us and than suddenly,he decides to end it and broke up with me in an email because-That is how we met,he says.This is very cowardly considering he claimed that we were solid and he loved me all the way up until 12 days before he dumped me.
He won't talk to me,he blocked me from his my space page and all addys and he just completely shut me out of his life like I never exsisted.His reasons are:
His phychiatrist told him he has "commitment issues"(I don't understand)
He almost started drinking again and has to attend group therapy 3x a week,or go back to psych ward,which he has already been 4x in the past.
And that I fell for him very hard and quick and maybe that's what scared him.He says he is sad and scared!!
He feels that he is destined to be alone
THAT REALLY CONFUSES ME,CAUSE HE WAS THE ONE THAT RUSHED THINGS,NOT ME!! I just loved him back is all which he seemed to want.
I knew he had mental problems from the beginning-clinical depression and anxiety,but his meds seemed to be working and he seemed emotionally stable.
WHAT HAPPENED????
I think there are a couole of things that caused his sudden change of heart.His mother,us not spending enough time together and he maybe stopped taking his meds because it caused him some sexual disfunction-Delayed ejaculation.
But did he have to do this in such a cruel and heartless way?? I tried to be there for him and help him and now he claims he is headed for the psych ward again.WHAT DID I DO WRONG?? All I did was be the woman he wanted and needed.
I'm hoping this is temporary and he'll realize I really am good for him and find his way back.He said he loved me,but he don't love me now and he is trying to find his way back to sanity.What drove him there in the first place??
He wanted a relationship,he wanted a good woman and to be loved.I gave him that and would never hurt him.So,why is he turning me away?Does he just need time?should I just forget him or is there a way to get through to him??
I NEED ADVICE!! I found a good man and want him back and to make him see this is all a mistake.WHAT SHOULD I DO??
PLEASE NOTE-------------
HE DIDN'T LEAVE ME FOR ANOTHER WOMAN--HE DOES NOT WANT ANYONE AND CHOSE TO GO BACK TO HIS LONELY LIFE BEFOR ME!!! | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 9:59:26 AM |
I NEED ADVICE!! I found a good man and want him back and to make him see this is all a mistake.WHAT SHOULD I DO??
I think you may be confusing lust with love here. The sex was great for a few months, now it's time for him to move onto another. I'm presuming he's around your age and he lives with his alcoholic mother. He, himself, has dependency issues, not to mention mental issues. YOU cannot help him. He's just telling you all that BS about the psych ward and how scared he is so you'll think you did something wrong. He's manipulating you. Don't let him do it.
I think he did you a favor by breaking it off. When you find someone that really IS a good man and good for you, you'll be able to see the difference. For now, don't do anything. As a matter of fact, you shouldn't have any contact with him at all. He'll just keep your life in constant turmoil.
Krys | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 9:59:41 AM | I don't know that there is good advice to give.
He is in therapy. He has commitment issues. He will probably not ever leave his mom alone.
You did NOTHING wrong.
It is not really you he is turning away from. It is his own issues he can't deal with. I can't explain that but you need to realize the problem is nothing to do with you.
As far as dating or trying to meet someone for a healthy relationship, you need to accept he is not that person. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:15:57 AM | But did he have to do this in such a cruel and heartless way??
you answered your own question...
I'm hoping this is temporary and he'll realize I really am good for him and find his way back.He said he loved me, but he don't love me now and he is trying to find his way back to sanity.What drove him there in the first place??
Now you know what he is capable of...the degree to which he would hurt you to be rid of you. That is not LOVE. That is cruel, cold...contemptible and callous. Would you really want someone back in your life that has treated your tender feelings with so little regard only to, at some later point, do the same thing again to you?  | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:22:16 AM | I am extremely shocked to see that you are 39.
Your biggest obstacle here is not what you are doing wrong, or even his "committment" issues - but it is his mental illness. It sounds like he has more than just depression and anxiety. Maybe bipolar. Which would make more sense - because of his extremes and impulsiveness.
The extremes and impulsiveness I am referring to include:
1)
Things went rather quick-he's the one that rushed things
2)
We were both lonely and needing someone and both been alone for 5 yrs. It sounds like you met him and put him into an up cycle - but those only last so long.
3)
He bought me flowers,cards,candles and even bought me a promise ring only after one month of dating(WHY).He told me he loved me through out the relationship n wanted to be committed-even wanted me to move in with him. Impulsive!!
4)
He lives with his mom in a very small place and she drinks alot. Alcohol abuse is often a symptom of mental illness (self-medication). Which is also why people with mental illness tend to have a family history of both mental illness and alcoholism/addiction. This includes bipolar. Also, the fact that he stills lives with his mom - - that could do a lot with his depression cycles. When the depression cycle kicks in, people tend to isolate themselves and become anti-social. He is probably staying there, not just to "help" his mom - but because it serves as something of a cocoon for him when he becomes depressed and reclusive.
He won't talk to me,he blocked me from his my space page and all addys and he just completely shut me out of his life like I never exsisted. When people go into their depression cycle - they shut down. They shut people out and isolate themselves. The hard part is, you don't understand why - - but you have to understand, he doesn't understand why either. It is an indescribable, unidentifiable feeling. Actually, it feels like nothing at all - except maybe overwhelmed by emptiness and hopelessness. Anyway - the most difficult about the depression aspect is, there is no reason "why" he falls into that. And that probably contributes to the shut down and cutting off communication - because he can't explain it.
His phychiatrist told him he has "commitment issues" Personally, I think that's retarded, and he should switch doctors. He should go to a real doctor, to a D.O. Forget the shrinks. They're useless.
He says he is sad and scared!! He feels that he is destined to be alone I don't doubt that. You need to understand that you can't fix this. It is clear that he has serious mental illness. People don't land themselves in a psych ward 4x for no reason whatsoever. You obviously have not experienced the full effect or symptoms of his mental illness. I'm sure he has. And I'm sure he is scared and sad because he thought maybe those days were over . . . and then he realized, even with as happy as he was with you, they are not. He is still very much mentally ill. And always will be. You can't fix it, and he knows you can't fix it. But he doesn't know how to fix it. And, obviously his doctors are not helping either. Though, neither will drinking - by the way. And he shouldn't just stop taking his medication. Further, if he has a repeat pattern of stopping his medication - the pattern of, "I feel good, I can get off of this stuff," and then getting off of it just to go crazy again - then it is likely that this will happen again and again.
You didn't do anything wrong. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:23:05 AM |
His phychiatrist told him he has "commitment issues"
He almost started drinking again and has to attend group therapy 3x a week,or go back to psych ward,which he has already been 4x in the past.
I knew he had mental problems from the beginning-clinical depression and anxiety,but his meds seemed to be working and he seemed emotionally stable. Alcoholism, being held in a psych ward, clinical depression and anxiety are all very, very serious issues. It seems to me that he has a lot on his plate right now. He needs to chill for now. Until he achieves emotional stability in his life, he is going to be doing this back-and-forth sort of thing, because that is what is going on in his mind. So as long as he stays on his meds and goes to his therapy sessions, he will almost certainly get better, but it will be difficult for quite a while.
If you want easy street, this ain't it. But know this: there is no such thing as a free lunch. Easy street is just as hard, but in another way. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:24:44 AM | Wow, I don't even know where to begin.
First, I suggest you seek help as well. There are so many emotional issues in this one post I don't even know where to start.
Second, I think you need to be away from this guy and guys like him for your own mental and emotional health. You both were codependent and you both felt safe because of it and that is what you felt. If this is the type of guy or type of relationships you seek then again you probably should seek some help. Codependency isn't healthy nor is seeking out emotionally broken men who are incapable of loving anyone.
This may not be what you want to hear but at this point someone has to tell you some reality even if you are not able or not willing to hear it. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:27:04 AM |
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?? All I did was be the woman he wanted and needed.
Holy co-dependency, Batman!
Listen, from all the information you've shared regarding his numerous issues, maybe, just maybe, this has absolutely nothing to do with you. I know every co-dependent bone in your body is screaming otherwise, and telling you how good you are for him and how you can save him. I think you should be thanking your lucky stars this happened now, instead of having to ride the roller-coaster that this guy's life is bound to be, for another 20 years! | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:32:48 AM | Rule #1: Never date anybody who uses the phrase "my psychiatrist tells me...".
You can't drive the car until the mechanic is done working on it (-if they ever finish fiddling with it). : happy motoring icon : | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:47:29 AM | I work in the kind of "pyshc ward" places he describes he used to live. Our consumors there do this so often with their relationships. This one consumer I had sounds like it was the person you were talking to, same EXACT situation, lol, he moved out of our home, living with his mom (hes 41), than one day he just left his girlfriend whom he had given a promise ring. My personal belif is they just get in over there head and start panicing, and deal with the situation the only way they know how, completly erase it and forget about it.
Sounds rude to say this, but try to find somone more mentally stable. :9 | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 12:27:12 PM | He won't talk to me,he blocked me from.....
His phychiatrist told him.....
I knew he had mental problems from the beginning.....
...he maybe stopped taking his meds...
Sounds to me like you have all your answers right there.
Assuming the two of your are around the same age (39) this isn't anything new and isn't going to change. IMO as hard as it may be to do it's time to move on.
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 1:52:52 PM | He finally sent back my movies I left at his house,plus a couple of his and a letter I wrote which he never read.Not only did he send my movies back,he sent back a stuffed bear I bought him that says "I love You" on it which he seemed to like and even velcroed it to his computer.THIS IS VERY COLD!!! This man claimed to be in love with me and than ran when I loved him back.I still have phone messages that he left me saying he loved me so much and emails telling me that god answeed all his prayers when he met me.Mental or not,there was something there,but something scared him.Maybe the bear scared him and that's what set him off.Me loving him back scared the crap out of him and us not seeing enough of each other.This is my fault that he crawled back into his hole. I wasn't there enough for him.
I wish I could convince him that it doesn't have to be this way and that he don't have to be going through what he's going through.I let him down!! I made him depressed by not being there enough,but I didn't realize he was feeling this way.What the hell kinda message is he sending me by sending the bear back,plus his own movies and why did he wait so long to send them??I know his mind is somewhere else,But I do believe he is just running scared and he is not used to anyone loving him like I do.And he didn't expect to ever have it in his life.This is too overwhelming for him.
He should have never put up a profile looking for a relationship in the first place if having one screws his head up sp bad or bought me and himself a promise ring and I just happen to be the poor victim of his sad life.Being alone suits him more,maybe he's happier that way. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 2:06:40 PM | Ok - I've somewhat composed myself. Shwew, that was funny.
Rock - I tried to help you out. I see that I failed.
us not seeing enough of each other.This is my fault that he crawled back into his hole. I wasn't there enough for him. Listen to me. If it wasn't last week, it would have been 2 months down the road, or 1 year down the road. You saw as much of each other as was realistic and doable. So what if you spent, literally, 24 hours a day with him 30 days straight? What would that accomplish? A total lack of life outside of one another, for starters. A total collapse of all responsibilities. And the making of a relationship that cannot possibly sustain itself on those standards. Why? Because it is unrealistic. He was going to crack regardless. This is not your fault. You did not make him depressed. He has clinical depression (among other things, I'm sure). That kind of depression is not situational. It just flippin' happens.
This is too overwhelming for him. That's the most accurate statement you've made. You're right. It is too overwhelming for him. But it's not your fault. You are not equipped to deal with this.
Being alone suits him more,maybe he's happier that way. Trust me. He won't be happy. He will be alone. And that probably does suit him better. But he won't be happy. I'm thinking he would settle for just feeling "content."
He should have never put up a profile looking for a relationship in the first place if having one screws his head up sp bad Uhhhh . . . there's a lot more where that came from. Tons of crazies with f'd up mental issues on the internet - so, try to be more careful next time. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 2:18:04 PM |
He should have never put up a profile looking for a relationship in the first place
now, I'm just guessing here......he's not returning your calls, etc.........so there's no better place than good ol' POF to post all of your greivances, understanding that he's more than likely to read them on here, right?
I'm curious, are you legitimately asking for opinions (the overwhelming majority of which seem to be move on, and consider yourself lucky), or are you just trying to reach out to him and suck the rest of us into this drama vacuum? | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 2:52:53 PM | Sorry!! I just need some advice is all.And the funny thing is,he didn't even remove his profile from here or any other dating site till he broke up with me.Weird huh?? I've tried so many desperate measures to reach out to him and can't get through.You can call me crazy and tell me I need help,that's fine.I love this man and was hoping that he could atleast be my friend,but I guess that's too much to ask also,being I freaked him out as he says.
Yes,I should've realized right off the bat that this was heading for disaster,but he made me trust him more than I ever trusted anyone and he made me comfortable right from the start.We were on the same page and had the same desires.He didn't want to be alone anymore and neither did I.I should be the one who got scared and ran,not him.He rushed everything and just when things got too comfortable,he backed out.He won't talk to me because he is trying to forget about me and trying to get me to forget about him.He even told me to find someone who is not as messed up in the head as he is.He told me that I'm a good woman and that he is the f***ed up one.And he is-for giving up on me and us and letting this illness get the best of him.Maybe something about me reminded him of his fiance'that died 9 ys. ago or whatever.I just know that this man is not afraid of commitment,he just has issues with it.All of his past relationships have been committed ones and he hasn't had too many.He is 47 yrs.old.He just never experienced the love I gave him and so quickly,plus his little sexual problem.The only thing I don't understand is why he has chosen to shut me out toatlly and so suddenly,without warning and why he held onto my stuff for so long after we split.He is one mixed up dude and he is afraid of himself. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 3:24:06 PM | | So don't waste your time unless you experienced it yourself or know someone that has.What I really need is a guy's advice here about why a guy would go into a relationship,buy him and her both promise rings(commitment rings,as he called them),say I love you,mentally ill or not mentally ill and than just walk away like it never exsisted.If he was so commited,he wouldn't have let anything get in his way.Plus,if he is so mentally ill,he wouldn't be able to hold the job he has(supervisor)And he wouldn't be walking the streets.Having a woman in his life again after he was lonely for 5 yrs.scared the crap out of him.And I feel sorry for him,because he will be alone for the rest of his life.No other woman is going to want him and he is going to ask that question once again and soon-"If I'm such a nice guy,why am I so alone?"Because he made the choice to be alone is why.He wanted a good woman and he found one.It's very hard to find a woman or even a man that is as understanding and compassionate as me.I should have ran when he told me he lived with his mom and suffers from depression.If I knew it would ruin our relationship,I would've turned him down,but I believe n giving everyone a chance.Nobody has a perfect life.I'm not judgemental.But this is the last time I'll ever date anyone who lives with family and doesn't drive or has any health issues.The very last time.I thought he was true and stable.He seemed to be,but his true colors came out and I guess I should count my blessings that it ended now before something really bad happened.It's sad and I'm hurting bad.If he did love me,he wouldn't have left no matter what.He would have just said he needed time.I would have understood!! | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 4:42:14 PM | I'm not a guy but this is coming from someone who has been caught in a similar situation. This isn't about you. It's about him and his manipulative behaviour and deep down you may already realise that.
"This is my fault that he crawled back into his hole. I wasn't there enough for him."
You REALLY need to read a book called "Women who love too much". It helped me see things about myself more clearly.
Listen to him when he says that you are a good woman and he is the f**ked up one. He wasn't just blowing smoke up your arse when he said that! You are 100% correct to think that IF he really did love you he wouldn't have done this. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 4:59:04 PM | | I think the whole reason he did this is because he did love me n probably still does n it scares him.Why would he go riding on his motorcycle 110 miles an hour and not care if he crashed if he had no feelings or fears??He probably never experienced real love and maybe that too is why he started drinking again.My dad said he probably was afraid that I'd leave him or cheat on hm like the others did,plus I was the 4th relationship he had in his enire life.HE IS RUNNING SCARED!! But it still hurts so much,it's killing me.I just wish he would atleast talk to me and not treat me like I never exsisted. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 5:04:29 PM |
What I really need is a guy's advice here about why a guy would go into a relationship,buy him and her both promise rings(commitment rings,as he called them),say I love you,mentally ill or not mentally ill and than just walk away like it never exsisted.
Perhaps being a part of the drama has blinded you to the obvious, but he is doing these things because he has severe mental problems. If you don't pull yourself away from him, you are going to have severe mental problems as well (your postings indicate that they have already started).
Run, don't walk, away from this guy as fast as you possibly can. No good can come from him. | |
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| IS HE SCARED OR JUST CANT HANDLE A GOOD THING???
Posted: 4/24/2008 5:18:40 PM | | GEE,I wonder why I have mental problems.But I guess I did it to myself.I was blind,deaf and dumb to believe him and that despite his probs that he had a heart and soul.I'm already seeking counseling-Thank You.Because this has affected me to the point that I can't function.I'm very depressed and lost!!!When I met him,I thought I'd never feel that way again.He made me trust him and believe he would never hurt me.He even told me that I was his lover and best friend.I need that part of him to come back,but it never will and I know I have to accept that.I not only hurt for me,I hurt for him.He seems to be back in the suicidal phase and he doesn't need to be. | |
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