| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/26/2008 5:43:57 PM | I've come across a number of threads where people have complained about meeting someone and the individual talked about their past relationships. While I certainly don't condone monopolizing the conversation isn't knowing about a person's past relationships and how they dealt with the termination of them important?
The point of my question is while some people feel it's a good sign to see an individual has "gotten over" their past relationships how does one differentiate between a person having easily accepted the end of relationships verses one not putting much value on relationships?
For example, let's say a person says, "My last relationship lasted four years. We grew apart and ended it amicably", or " I was in my last relationship for seven years. We both knew the relationship had "dried up" so we split but we still contact each other occasionally. There are no bad feelings."
Would that be considered a sign of maturity or a sign that relationships are not all that important to the person? How would YOU interpret it? | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/26/2008 5:49:56 PM | I think it's a sign of maturity. We've all been in and out of at least one relationship and sometimes a relationship is just not strong enough to stand the test of time.
I think it takes a much stronger and confident person to just accept that things change and not get caught up in the drama of an ending.
"Smile because it happened, don't cry because it's over." One of my favourite mottos. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/26/2008 5:54:08 PM | | It depends on how they talk about past relationships. If they just talk about experiences or some lite annoying habit in a joking way I don't care but if they put down ex girlfriends or wives, then I'm weary because I know they will do the same to me but it's more the type of relationships than whether they talk about them or not. If a guy seems to go from relationship to relationship and never got married I am weary that he isn't looking for committment . | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/26/2008 5:57:00 PM | Hmmm, good though provoking question for a Saturday night!!
I would lean towards the first explanation, but can see your point with the second..I know, I am NO help! I would like to think for most people it is the first. If you are not sure, then time will surely tell what their views on relationships are.. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/26/2008 6:03:33 PM | well, i suppose it depends upon how one handles whatever ended the relationship. Come home to find lovey in the toils of passion with somebody else, and perhaps it's going to be a bit difficult to say "Honey, finish up what you're doing, we need to have a talk." Of course everyone's a bunch of freaking swingers now, so I dunno if you'll agree.
Come on, really.....how many times does a relationship end because Bill took a job in Taiwan.....rather how many times does it end because the people involved hadn't the discipline to make it work?
Kevin "The Uncontrollably Straightforward" Johnson
I'm not giving you my real last name......holy crap......read that moniker again and please tell me it didn't sound like that. | |
|
| |
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/26/2008 6:30:32 PM | lol Kevin.....take your meds...........
Past relationships and how one discusses them tell a lot about the person. If its continuous then they have some work to do and I dont want to be part of it. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/26/2008 6:58:16 PM | The fact that someone I want to date discusses a past relationship alone doesn't concern me in the slightest.
Rather it's HOW she talks about it. Sharing a funny or relevant story about an ex- during the natural course of conversation is not the same thing as pining for him.
However, I wouldn't date anyone (or go out on a second date) with someone that monopolizes the conversation--regardless of the topic. You also don't want to talk the person's ear off either. | |
|
| |
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:13:04 PM | | Meantioning past relationships isn't something you need to meantion (at least not right away) but people are curious of why things didn't work out and well see what the other has been through. I think some people feel re- ensured if the person has gone through the same as you or just as bad, cause then the chances of them doing it too you is slim to sh*t. When meantioning past relationships don't go into too much detail, like don't go on and on and on about it, ya know? only talk about it longer then should if the person keeps asking you questions about it. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:31:16 PM | | I think in that situation it means that the relationship had run its course & neither people were benefitting from it any longer. People change; so do priorities. I don't think that the ways people end their relationships is an accurate way to "judge" them as people... too many variables involved and it's not always a truthful recount of the real circumstances either. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:50:33 AM | | I bring up some of past relationships because thats a part of me and I feel I learned from them all and know they helped me become the man I am now. Do I regret any of them no(OK 1 or 2 I could have live without). I would not bring them up all the time but it will pop up I feel if your open and honest with your partner it should not matter. Just dont say stuff like "when me and Jane were together we had sex everywhere and it was the best sex ever". Because I dont care how open your relationship is that will never help. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/28/2008 1:43:20 AM | I've come across a number of threads where people have complained about meeting someone and the individual talked about their past relationships. While I certainly don't condone monopolizing the conversation isn't knowing about a person's past relationships and how they dealt with the termination of them important?
The point of my question is while some people feel it's a good sign to see an individual has "gotten over" their past relationships how does one differentiate between a person having easily accepted the end of relationships verses one not putting much value on relationships?
For example, let's say a person says, "My last relationship lasted four years. We grew apart and ended it amicably", or " I was in my last relationship for seven years. We both knew the relationship had "dried up" so we split but we still contact each other occasionally. There are no bad feelings."
Would that be considered a sign of maturity or a sign that relationships are not all that important to the person? How would YOU interpret it?
**************
NO way; IMHO; I don't talk about past relationships to dates; I'm not marrying them; in time we can know a little bit by little but no its not important right off.
I think the problem with many online is that they spill their guts to anyone that will listen.
I think just saying something basic like you put above is fine but I never ask anyone that. I want to know them, not their past failures. It also might be painful for them or something bad really happened and they dont want to tell me. In time they will tell me if they wish to. And whenever I'm asked what happened in my last relationship, I give a very simple answer and I'm told, "you dont say much". lol; Unfortunately thought it opens the door open for their war and peace novel on their love life which I really dont care to here. People need to lighten up; some things are none of their business and I dont want to, or need to know someones life story. Some things may be embarassing or painful. In due time they will open up.
Basic things like you said above is fine, but I haven't met a women yet who says that. They tell their life story and frankly, I dont want to hear it. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/28/2008 12:21:05 PM |
(Msg 11) I don't think that the ways people end their relationships is an accurate way to "judge" them as people...
But doesn’t that show the importance one puts on relationships?
Let’s use an example. Let’s say someone was unjustly fired. They worked long hours when they first started with the company. They really put their “all” into it and one day the boss decides to fire them because his niece needs a job and she’s qualified.
Sure, the fired person “gets over it” but if/when they retell the story they will recall the feelings they had. That’s why when I hear about people remaining friends with an EX I have to wonder what the relationship meant to them.
I have difficulty comprehending how a person can spend years with someone, make life plans, restructure their life and then casually say, “Oh, well. It didn’t work out.” I get the impression making plans together and committing doesn’t mean all that much to them. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 4/28/2008 1:05:56 PM | Well dave, you could also interpret that as meaning they don't want you to think that you're still hung up on your ex or carrying excess baggage.
As for how a person handled their last breakup, one shouldn't judge them on that because unless you've walked specifically in that person's shoes, who are you to judge whether they handled it "right" or "wrong"? The only thing that should matter to you is how they'd handle breaking up with you (if it gets to that point).
Finding out about one's past relationships IS important as it gives some insight into what made them the way they are, relationshipwise. For eg: if a guy only dated manipulative, insecure psycho b*tches then you could expect him to expect the same from you and if you aren't, and he has trouble comprehending why, then you have your answer.....
Same goes for women, I have chatted with many women who have had more than one ex cheat on them and therefore they tend to expect the next one to cheat on them too. Which is why it is wrong to lump your future and your past together but hey, we all tend to do it voluntarily or not. Kind of like: every person that walks by a dog tied to a tree kicks it....then the next person comes by and the dog bites it, even though the next person might not have kicked it or even inclined to kick it.....
Frankly I think it is better to find out about the relationship as opposed to how it ended........ | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:52:28 PM |
But doesn’t that show the importance one puts on relationships?
No. There are three sides to every story and you are only hearing one. I don't think it's an accurate judge of character by any means. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:01:03 PM | | Its a matter of trust....in yourself and in the other person. I have no problem opening up and disclosing history as far as I saw it. Personally, I am interested in the other person, as I am sure that they are as well. Disclosing is showing vulnerability, and confidence. Most want to know about you as a person, and as a friend or possibly more. Why not open up a little....it could be the start of a nice 'real' relationship. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:22:55 AM | My question to you is why are you looking for signs to reveal either?
Whatever conclusions we draw are entirely based on our experiences and the variables ought to dismiss the accuracy of such whenever one attempts to apply it to someone else.
Generalizations are dangerous, even this one...  | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:25:55 AM | I've come across a number of threads where people have complained about meeting someone and the individual talked about their past relationships. While I certainly don't condone monopolizing the conversation isn't knowing about a person's past relationships and how they dealt with the termination of them important?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Excellent post Dave, I was just thinking about his recently as part of my subliminal questionare for the last two dates I was on..However, its easier said than done, and it was difficult "to ask" without sounding contrived or nosey...
but after my last breakup I've been thinking "hmm, I'd like to know ahead of time what to watch out for".
(((verses one not putting much value on relationships? ))) Oh is that what you are really getting at? I thought your topic was "isn't knowing about a persons past relationship and HOW THEY DEALT WITH THE TERMINATION of them important?"
That might be a much much more difficult question to get answers to on the first date. But I would like to know how or why "they ended", so ok..proceed.
We might not spill our guts on the first coffee meet, but I'd love to see the patterns or unique circumstances that person manifests.
I remember years and years ago a woman told me when we met (we were 30'ish) "I can't break up with a guy using words, I always have to go out and meet someone new to "end it". I put that in the back of my mind, and when the relationship ended, I presumed the guys she was playing basketball with is what she meant..... | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:56:55 AM | The way someone talks about a person in their past is how they will talk about you in the future. If they are hateful and only see the worst of a past relationship, you can bet your last dollar, it will be the same when you are an ex.
I will never get over my last relationship. It lasted for the better part of my adult life and molded me into the person I am now. If someone can't get past the fact that I will sometimes reference a present situation to a past one, they probably won't be very happy with me. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 10:16:20 AM |
Would that be considered a sign of maturity or a sign that relationships are not all that important to the person? How would YOU interpret it?
I would ask the question, "How important are relationships to you?". The answer should give you a basis for proper interpretation. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 12:18:48 PM | For example, let's say a person says, "My last relationship lasted four years. We grew apart and ended it amicably", or " I was in my last relationship for seven years. We both knew the relationship had "dried up" so we split but we still contact each other occasionally. There are no bad feelings."
Some folks are able to stay friends after sharing a relationship that did not work out...I have one of those and I say what you have stated here! This is mature and honest!
I would no more go back to this person if he were the last man on earth....but we have friendship and that much is ok!
It is clear when someone has not gotten over another...they keep talking about them, sniveling over them, crying about them, wanting YOU to be THEM....
I run from them...lol...! | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 12:26:04 PM | Hi Dave...nice thread (right up my alley)
I just want to preface my post by saying that I only care about what's right for me and not what may or may not be right for others. And in no way am I saying that my way is even right (or normal) at all. Only that it's right (and normal) for me.
I'm a "feely" type of person. Feelings are what I live for and what primarily drives me as a person. That's not to say I'm not logical also. But if I had to choose my main source of fuel, feelings are it for me.
And I'm also an (extreme) introvert so I get recharged from the inside. I need very little...and I mean VERY little, outside stimuli to function.
So the only way that it's even possible for me to connect with anyone (or anything for that matter) is from the inside.
And this is not something I have any real control over. It just is. It's like I'm incapable of "feeling" anyone or anything lightly or to just stay on the surface of things.
It's like I have no choice but to go deeper or else I can't feel or relate to anyone or anything. So it goes without saying that the person who's right for me will need to come and get me from the inside out.
And the only way to get inside is for him to want and be able to relate to me on a deep emotional level.
And the only way to get to that level is he has to be willing and able to lay his soul bare and stand naked in front of me...just like I'm willing to stand naked in front of him.
And only then will a connection be possible. And if that never happens (again), then so be it. All I know is that I can't and won't settle for anything less. 
And all that to say that yes of course, I not only want but I need to know everything about him, including where he's been before me. That just goes without saying. But that's me and what works for me...to each their own.
JMHO | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 12:42:54 PM | If I want to know this person, then I want to know anything they see fit to tell me. I don't want to know too much right away and I certainly don't ask, but I enjoy learning about them. Relationships are a part of who they are.
It doesn't matter much to me why relationships end. What matters is whether there's anger and bitterness; I just can't handle that. Life is too hard as is. It doesn't even bother me if they still cared for that person, in fact, I see that as healthier than despising them. In my opinion, just cause things didn't work out doesn't mean your heart turns to stone.
That said, my husband has an all out hatred for his ex, and tho I understand it and find it rightful, it isn't healthy and it isn't easy for me to live with. It's touched him so deeply that he's almost impossible to differ with because he just won't show up to do battle. They fought horribly, isolated each other, lived in silence or war for pretty much 18 years and it's shaped him. Almost anything that comes up is something that takes him to a dark place, or is too prickly for him and makes him defensive, so, in lots of ways, I have to be more sensitive than is healthy for me. Hate/anger/bitterness is so, so destructive.
Of course, in his defense, it's still a struggle for him cause she won't go away; we still have to deal with her because of their kids. I'm counting on him doing better once she's a far away memory....if that ever happens. Some people are too evil to ever leave you in peace.
If there were to be a real concern about their past relationships, outside the above, it'd be more about how many than exactly how they ended. | |
|
| A question on how one views past relationships
Posted: 6/25/2008 12:52:24 PM | I think one of the reasons people talk about past relationships is to explain who they are and why they say and do the things they do.
The thing I hate about our society the most is how they take similar experiences of another person's life and compare them, thinking they have all the answers to another person.
I mean if this person is like this because....then that person is also like that because. ....
it don't work that way, it never has, and it never will. | |
|
Home
login 
