| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 6:51:57 PM | My girlfriend seems to think that since we're dating we're a blended family. I have a daughter and she's got two sons. We've been together 6 years and living together nearly 3. Ok, my family does a lot for my daughter, the youngest neice in the family and she thinks that when they do for my daughter they are suppose to do for her sons. Why, because we're dating. Again, we're not married. She feels that I don't put my foot down enough with them when they buy her (my daughter) something and not her sons. I'm suppose to tell my sister or my mom, "if you can't buy for the boys or take them with you too then you can't take my daughter or buy her anything either." How does that sound. I've read and posted posts before about how she feels on this subject and 99% of those who responded said that she can't expect someone else to do for her children simply because they do for their blood. I've tried talking with her and pleading with her but to no avail. I'll do what I can for her sons as the male role model in their life simply because in the 6 years we've been together their father has never come around. He's several states away. Not one birthday card. Not even a Christmas present. But because my family is here and doing for my daughter then she's got a problem with it. But to say my family is slighting her sons is not totally true. One of my sisters came by and took her sons and one of my other nephews to the moster truck show and then out to eat. And she didn't ask us for one dime. Didn't take my daughter. When my parents go on vacation they always remember to bring her boys something back. If it's nothing more then a t-shirt. Every christmas since we've been together they've gotten something if it was nothing more than a little piece of money, they got something.
Again I ask, because we're dating does that make fore a blended family and is my family obligated to do for her kids simply because they do for my daughter? Are we a blended family or just two people who are dating who just so happen to have kids? I didn't think blended came in until you were married because we could break up tomorrow and go our separate ways.
Help! | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 6:56:31 PM | You are two people living together AS a family. And no one is ever obligated to do for another persons children if they choose not to , although it would be nice.
You didnt say what ages the children were. If they are young I'm sure it is hard for them to understand when your daughter gets a gift for birthdays and Holidays if they are young. If they are older it should not be a problem. Again one is not obligated, it would just be a nice gesture even if it is something small. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:01:53 PM | I can't really say rather or not you are a blended family, granted you are common law ( I guess depending on where you are from) However, even if you are a blended family your family is under no obligation to do anything for her children.
Sure it would be nice, and any amount of time and/or material possessions they do give no matter how small or big should be appreciated.
My daughter is my oldest, therefore I had my son after my daughter's dad and I broke up. Her grandma does just as much for my son as she does my daughter, she takes both camping, by christmas and birthday for both and equal amounts, she takes them both out; not one more than the other. She doesn't do it for me she does it for my daughter as it is her brother.
My situation is different as my kids are siblings yours are not. None the less what she does for both of my kids(as she isn't obligated for either) is very much appreciated and recognized.
I hope you can work it out, and maybe just explain to her if the situation were different would her 2 sons' family do for your daughter as well? And hear her response. It is great that they recognize her boys and do some for them. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:02:18 PM | | My daughter is 11 and her sons are 12 and 13. And you're right. It would be nice if they did but I can't make them do for her boys. They are not being overlooked. They do get things from my family just not all the time. I can't make my family dig deeper in their pockets for kids that aren't directly related to them just yet. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:08:41 PM | | Her family(mom) does recognize my daughter, But most of the time it'll eb she'll come by and take the all to church with her or something like that. Yeah, she'll get my daughter a little something for Christmas jsut like my family does her boys but her mom is not as financially able to buy for even her boys. But my girl expects my family to buy for her boys. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:18:38 PM |
and is my family obligated to do for her kids simply because they do for my daughter?
Of course not...but, what if you do marry her? Would you then expect your family to do the same for her children as they do for yours? I don't know why marriage really matters. Either you are a blended family or you are not. Siblings compare. Your children are essentially siblings...Do the children notice? Do they seem bothered? I think that is more important than what your girfriends expecations are. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:25:02 PM | | The thing is this. You can't sit and say "what if". Why? Because at this juncture, we're not. I'm just talking about the here and now. Right now, my family does for her kids but if my sister finds a cute little top for my daughter, her neice, then is she obligated to go buy a pair of short for someone she's not directly tied to? We're not married so you can't throw that into the mix. If we were then this post would not be necessary because I would haev to stand up for her sons and insist that they be treated equally. But as on right now, April 26, 2008 we're just dating and she expects them to be treated at my step sons with all rights and priviledges there in. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:29:20 PM | True, I get your point. That said, she has her expecations and as misguided as they are, they are what she feels...Was the expectations of your situation ever discussed before involving the children?
I do not think for example your sister needs to buy her sons something, just because she buys your daughter something. But, really, that has nothing to do with if they are your stepsons by marriage, or just by the nature of your situation. People should give because they want too. Not because there is an expectation. Your family sounds like they are very open and are being considerate to her sons, and she should just appreciate that much.
********* Couldn't post to this thread anymore or send you a message, but wanted to say this in addition: It is frustrating, I am sure...Perhaps you and she can seek the advice of a family therapist specializing in blended families. They are a beast all their own************ | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:35:50 PM | | It's always been there. As misguided as she is it's hard for her to realize that not everyone feels the same way. Because she thinks it is suppose to go a certain way doesn't make it law. I understand she doesn't want her children left out but it't not like my family is always going on vacation and taking my daughter or they spend $200 on my child then throw each of her kids a $5 McDonalds gift certificate. Like I said before, one of my sisters took her boys to the moster truck show and left my daughter at home. But she seems to forget about that. I play and wrestle with her boys more than I even play with my own daughter but we're, my family, is not given them any attention. The obligation to do or her boys is my responsibility not my family. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:45:02 PM | " My girlfriend seems to think that since we're dating we're a blended family"
You have been with this woman for six years, been living together for 3 years, and you say you're"dating" at what point do you look at yourself as being in a relationship?.
You are a full fledged family in my eyes. Your family consist of you, your girlfriend and three kids. It really does not matter which bloodline the kids are from, they are now apart of your family. Your g/f has a right to be offended if your family is leaving her kids out of things and treating them like they don't matter.
I am sure her kids are pretty hurt by your families actions also. If they can't afford to buy things for all three, then they should just forget about buying anything at all. Or buy something that they can all share.
Your actions are saying to your family that what they are doing is ok....IT'S NOT.
If you want to set up house with this women, it's a package deal, her kids come with that package, just like your kid comes with you. Once you form a family unit, it's just that a FAMILY, and no kid within that family should be treated any better or any worst..... THEY ARE ALL EQUAL, and should be treated that way.
You want to "date" then don't start playing house. You want a family with this woman AND her kids, then start acting like it. Lay down some rules for your family to follow when it comes to equality with the kids in said family. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:46:52 PM | Another thing I would like to know. Is the boys biological father in the picture? You have been in the boys lives since they were 6 and 7 and living with them since 9 and 10,I'm sure they look at yoiu as a father figure.
Again it would depend to me if the boys feel left out or not. Not so much how their mother feels. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 7:57:30 PM | | No, their father is not in the picture. The only one making an issue of this is their mom. I've never even met their dad. Like I said in my OP, he's several states away. He doesn't even call to say hello. She's trying to track him down for child support but every time she finds him he'll move, change his number or stop taking her calls all together. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 8:01:14 PM | My God, what on earth is out there...........
6 years and its not a blended family.............. Is that right, because you say so........
all the children have been exposed to this relationship and need to be blended together, in a healthy manner,
She is more qualified than you are in this subject at least she is aware of the needs of both hers and yours children, But you you selfish ass........
Your all about you buddy and its all about your convenience isnt it, why put the effort or committment in after all, you could break up tomorrow, Forget about dragging yours and her kids through you situation and what emitions or ties they may develop, its not about them
Its about you you you you
How dare you be so condescending to this situation, why should you focus on children you ahve formed no attachment to in 6 yrs or care about their well being
Your daughter deserves alot better than you, all the children do........
Her biggest problem, and the only question here is why the hell has she allowed you into her and her childrens lives at all.
This is not about who is obligated to who, int his relationship at all, it is about identifying and structuring a healthy functional environment that caters to the needs of all the children individually...... And enables them to conduct a healthy relationship with each other......
You guys dont have a hope in hell, stay away from her and her children, and do your child a favour, get some parenting skills a child psycologist is the first point of call.......
and who knows what her problem is she seems to talk the talk and now she needs to walk the walk for her childrens sake......... | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 8:01:53 PM | you are living together as an unmarried couple, however that doesn't mean you are "just dating". apparently your "girlfriend" thinks there's more to the two of you than there actually is. perhaps you should put her straight so that she knows what the rules are of living with you not married, that are different from living with you when you will be married so that she can make an educated choice of whether or not to continue with this charade.
if I ever read any such hogwash as this from someone I lived with, the bags would be packed immediately.
grow up. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 8:03:20 PM | I completely agree with Black Velvet. You ARE indeed a blended family, in every sense of the word if you've actually been living together for 3 years.
How are the children to be able to wrap their brains around this game that you are playing with what constitutes a "family" and that your family is contributing to for lack of basic genetic material?
I haven't looked as to where you are from but if you were or are in Canada, you would be considered by the Courts to have stood in the shoes of a parent and you would have all of the obligations that come with it. A lot of people may differ with that view but the Courts are of the view that people should seriously consider the effect it has on children to come and go from their lives at your leisure. I tend to agree with that view.
I think it's about time to have a talk with the families. Separating the kids according to biology is deeply hurtful and unfair. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 8:03:41 PM | Blackvelvet46 makes some good points, if you presume that if you were married your relatives would have more of an obligation than now. I don't think so. As an aunt I find it difficult to treat all my nieces and nephews equally. The fact is, I go through financial ups and downs and also varying degrees of demands on my time. These cycles mean I can sometimes do more for my siblings' kids than at others, and it does seem some of the kids' birthdays seem to be ones I often wind up being able to splurge on while other kids' birthdays seem to always fall during periods in which I'm too busy or financially restricted to be thinking about toys for kids. If I was their parent I would feel an obligation to treat all the kids equally, but as an aunt I don't feel that pressure. I give out of the joy of giving, so I do it when it is a joy for me to do so. End of story.
My siblings will sometimes comment to me about the upcoming birthday of one of their kids, but I just say, "that's nice," and leave it at that. They never try to talk me out of getting presents for the others though! I'm not an endless sea of money. Your relatives are probably doing what they can, and married or not, that's all that can be expected of them.
As a side note, when I was a kid my godfather was definitely the best godfather amongst my siblings and I. He came to visit a couple times a month and always brought me gobs of goodies, and usually some money as well. He was my grandfather's best friend. My siblings' godfathers never came around the house. My godfather was a father himself so sensitive to the idea of kids feeling left out, so he would usually bring a little something for my siblings, but the big stuff was for me because I was his god-daughter and they weren't. Maybe that skews my POV, because that seems totally normal to me. Why shouldn't my godfather give me special treatment when I have a special relationship with him? It wasn't my fault the other kids had dead-beat god-parents. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 8:05:32 PM | But as on right now, April 26, 2008 we're just dating and she expects them to be treated at my step sons with all rights and priviledges there in.
Dating????????? You live together..you've lived together for 3 years......rights??priveleges??.....you gotta be kidding me....I'd be packing up my children and leaving...that is not their home--it is yours and your daughters....what are you running over there??...a loving home??...sounds more like a clubhouse and they are just striking to become full fledged members so they can have all the priveleges too...unbelievable....
Good luck to her---it wouldn't be me.
I'm a single dad living in Raleigh who's fed up with the dating scene.
Fed up with the dating scene??
Not really looking for a relationship but just someone to chat with. If a relationship happens then fine but I'm not openly persuing it.
???
Ladies, let me say this up front. I am not looking to get married.
Yeah no sht....there is no room at your house...lol | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 8:10:59 PM | | After I read your profile, I realized that it indicated you probably don't even WANT to get married...So, what are you doing?? This is the problems that occur when people go into a relationship mamby pamby with children involved...Expectations have not been discussed, and the children end up suffering...I would have recommended counseling BEFORE you got into this situation but better late than never... | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 9:24:25 PM | News flash op - you are a family. Let me ask you this: when she makes dinner, does she only cook for herself and her children? not you and your daughter? It's YOUR responsibility to set your family straight. You now have STEP children. Deal with it.
As other posters have mentioned, you are way beyond dating. If you are having a difficult time "getting" that, perhaps, she needs to find someone who does "get" it. You seem to be okay with the benefits of having a live in girlfriend, but not necessarily taking on the responsibility for a common law wife and step children. | |
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| Does blended families come with dating or marriage?
Posted: 4/26/2008 9:36:49 PM | OP, is your profile a lie, or is your OP? Cause if they're both true, you're a d!ckhead twice.
Do that lady a favour & leave her. Without knowing anything about her, I know she deserves better than you. | |
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