| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/26/2008 9:40:40 PM | My bf of a yr. doesn't last very long in bed (we're talking probably like 4-6 minutes usually - even though he's lasted longer before), and doesn't seem to care to make it last any longer than he needs. He can "usually" get off two or three times. Sometimes not. In past relationships the guys always prided themselves in lasting longer and working at it, etc. He claims he's just not always into sex. (Has given many excuses such as being tired or being that he doesn't want sex to be our relationship,etc) It seems that sex is more like a chore to him. I don't understand it, and he says he doesn't think it's right that men let women control them with sex. (Seducing, etc) This is another reason why he never seems to want to engage unless he starts it or I nag that I never get any. It seems to have become a chore for him even though he likes it. (Just doesn't need it I guess)
He's in tip top shape, and it's not about the workout.
I would just like some general input as per my situation, maybe you know where he's coming from? Has sex turned into a chore or is this a bigger picture? Is 4-6 minutes acceptable? Don't you make sure the woman is satisfied often before yourself? Maybe it's a bad stereotypes that males love sex, but it seemed to hold true until now!! Help?? I love him and I don't want to nag but geez, I'm only human! Ladies, have you ever had this happen to you?? | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/26/2008 9:45:02 PM | | Naw, it's not like that at all. He wouldn't even have the time. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/26/2008 10:26:41 PM | Men can be just as complicated as women and if he is close to your age then most likely he is very self conscious and unwilling to reveal his real feelings or talk about the problem. He probably has himself convinced that every other guy his age is a super stud and he's the only one in the world with a stressful sex life. Theres also a good chance that the more you try and talk to him about it, he'll pull farther away from you.
First of all, do everything you can to take the stress out of the situation and that can mean less sex for a time. Change the focus from intercourse to playfulness, pleasure and foreplay. Direct him to other ways to please you and I know it sounds wimpy but be enthusiastic and praise him when he pleases you in other ways. Find his switch. Each man has something deep in his mind, some trigger that gives him an instant hard on and each man is different. For some men it might be stockings and high heels, for others it could be low cut shirt. It could also be something unexpected. I had a girlfriend who accidentally discovered her husband trigger was her wearing knee socks and one of his shirts, as I said, each man is different. Once you find the trigger use it wisely and make sure you both benefit from it. You'll soon have both of you in sinc with each other and learning that the best relationships happen when you both share the work as well as the pleasure. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 3:17:05 AM | Aprilrain,
All i know is that if you were my girlfriend, I would do everything in my power to please you. I think the best way to solve this problem is maybe for him to please you first maybe orally or with a toy. Then let him have you and if it lasts 4-6 min at least you got yours! And he will have his as well. Longer foreplay would also help. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 4:48:56 AM | Does he indulge in foreplay? If so, how long?
Has he made any effort to please you or is it always about him?
Is this recent behavior or has he always been like this since you started having sex?
You mentioned he can "usually" get off 2 or 3 times. Is this typical for each time you have sex? How long does he rest before he's ready again?
Every guy is different. I'm getting the impression that he just wants to get his rocks off though. Any guy that is interested in making sure his partner is satisfied will try to make it last as long as possible or attempt to get her off before actual intercourse. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 5:00:15 AM | _aprilrain, you have a say in what is happening. Tell him the truth...that you aren't satisfied and that you need more from him. Obvioulsy there is more to your relationship than just sex. But, in the long term, if he doesn't start making an effort to satisfy you in bed, you'll probably end up sleeping with someone else. I don't think I would stay with anyone who treated sex as if it were a chore!!
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 5:14:21 AM | | Sounds like he is simply selfish and only cares if he is satisfied! Sadly normal for your age group! Just keep communicating your needs to him and try to get him to change things up a bit - so that 'you' have more time for intimacy! | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 5:50:05 AM | Is 4-6 minutes acceptable? Only you can decide that. From your post, I am going to assume the answer is no.
No one knows what his problem is but him. If you have talked about this with him and he isn't giving you any answers, then you need to talk to him more about it. Instead of "nagging" him for sex, try talking to him and trying to get some answers out of him instead.
Most of all, you need to let him know that the sex issue you are having in your relationship is serious to you and that if you two can't work this out that your relationship is in jeopardy. | |
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nogo3
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Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 10 | |
| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 9:36:37 AM | april, the problem as i see it is that you and him are not matched when it comes to sex and yeah you love him but experience tells us that it will only get worse, it will never get better than it is and as he gets older there will be even less sex.
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:15:37 AM | | Bad/sad sex isn't worth it. Let him know it needs improvement and you both can enjoy improving it. Maybe less frequently, but more intense. Maybe role playing. Maybe exploring something new. Whatever works for you. While you are at it, pick up a vibrator and make sure you are kept feeling good. | |
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Posted: 4/27/2008 7:56:20 PM | | Maybe it's time you shut your mouth and gave him anal. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 8:00:00 PM | | And how lame is your sex where you're paying attention to the clock? | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 9:11:09 PM | | yes;latest studies show the avg. male lasts about 3-6 minutes. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 9:49:32 PM | For the record, why is this HIS fault? Did you ever think that maybe the reason he isn't into it is maybe because sex with you is boring?
I"m not saying this to be mean, just as an alternative to it being "his"problem. In fact, it's BOTH your problems since you're in a relationship.
As suggested, try other things to get him into it.
Do you make HIM do all the work? I know many women who are bi and tried a strap on and said to me: oh sheesh, now I know why you guys get so tired afterwards.....most women don't realize the physical nature of a guy's participation......
BTW: for the record, low testosterone is a reason for a guy not being into sex.......
I just went back and saw you're only 20...hell, that's what young guys are good for, quick shots and many of them. Males are programmed by mother nature to be like this. This is so they can imprenate more women and perpetuate the species (like we need anymore help in THAT department). | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:02:06 PM | It is just a sterotype that all men need sex all the time. Everyone loves sex unless there was a tramatic event in thier life. However the sex drive an individual has differs from man to man and woman to woman. I know of a couple who got married and several years into the marriage still had not had sex, they both had really low sex drives but found happiness in sharing other things with each other.
So if he has a really low sex drive he may view it as a chore trying to satisfy all of your needs if you have a much higher drive.
The only one who can decide the quality of your sex life is you, if what noramlly happens between you is enough to keep you happy then dont worry to much but still talk to him about your feelings about the subject. Do not I repeat do not listen to anyone here about how they would wo this or they always do that who cares they are not part of your sex life.
Good luck working things out with your boyfriend and I hope you find a common ground that will make everyoen happy. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:09:24 PM | | You make a good point there titan but at 20, this guy should be like a rooster with two**** in a henhouse....... | |
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Posted: 4/27/2008 10:32:23 PM | | RUN !! Don't look back .or you will be out there looking 40 years later like me . He never changed and never cared . So if your not married .Don't do it . There is more to sex then an 8 second ride .(If the guy cares enough about what pleases you .) Good luck to you | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/28/2008 4:09:41 AM |
My bf of a yr. ... doesn't seem to care to make it last any longer than he needs.
There's your answer: he doesn't care. Seriously, you should find someone who does.
I have been in relationships for years without sex ever, ever becoming a chore.
yes;latest studies show the avg. male lasts about 3-6 minutes.
mthomjmark, care to name these "studies?" Like, with a source and stuff? Sure, maybe 4-6 minutes is normal - normal for someone who needs some kind of therapy.
april_rain, if you love him, tell him to sack up, seek therapy, or get out. If he doesn't care about your needs, you're in a one-sided relationship...and those are never good. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/28/2008 4:50:29 AM | If he doesn't care that you are not satisfied, it says a lot about his relationship with you.
I hven't had this happen to me, but if I were in your position, I would ask him about it, and if he makes no effort, I would move on.
You need to decide if you can live with this or not. If not, then the longer you wait to break it off, the harder it will be to do it.
There are many men, that are not like that. You are an attractive woman, you can meet a man more sensitive to your needs, if you wish to. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:17:00 AM | Just for the record, the OP IS only 20 and while she may have strong feelings for this guy, it's not like she's been married to the guy for 5 yrs and has 2 kids with him. I mean, they're both still discovering what it is like to be in a long term relationship and how to work things out as a couple and what one has to do in order to make a relationshop work.
But on the other hand, the ones saying "run for the hills" I mean what is that teaching her? That the first sign of any sort of trouble to just bail? No wonder the divorce rate is so high if that is the gist of what one should do to problem solve.
I think if anything she should continue to find out what THE problem is, not what HIS problem is because it IS their problem, not just his. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:22:14 AM |
But on the other hand, the ones saying "run for the hills" I mean what is that teaching her? That the first sign of any sort of trouble to just bail? No wonder the divorce rate is so high if that is the gist of what one should do to problem solve.
If you will read the above post, you will notice that I suggested she speak with him first.
And if he didn't care, then to move on. A lot of women answered that way, because she said he didn't seem to care. A relationship takes two people. If he doesn't care about her feelings, then there seems to be only one person working at it. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:00:09 AM |
My bf of a yr. ... doesn't seem to care to make it last any longer than he needs.
There's your answer: he doesn't care. Seriously, you should find someone who does
april_rain, if you love him, tell him to sack up, seek therapy, or get out. If he doesn't care about your needs, you're in a one-sided relationship...and those are never good
Basically what I was thinking, he SHOULD be equally concerned with your pleasure and you enjoying it as much as he is, if he isn't then maybe it's time to move on as it can and most likely only get worse. Plus as you said before OP, he doesnt like how women try to control men with sex and the such? Time to rethink this whole relationship it seems. | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:03:17 AM |
....he doesnt like how women try to control men with sex and the such?
LOL then he had better get used to it real quick cuz he's in for a long hard ride if he doesn't hehehe
(yeah, I'm going to pay for that one too! lol)
But seriously folks, do you really expect a 20 yr old to be the mature concerned adult male that women expect him to be? I mean, I have yet to meet a 20 yr old anything that isn't concerned with anyone but themselves.....(ok, I know one or two 20 yr old single girls who have kids but that's different) | |
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| Sexual Predicament
Posted: 4/28/2008 10:46:04 AM | Look, the reality is this: When a guy is really into a girl, the sex will be very passionate and yes it will last longer than 6 minutes. He will spend hours abusing every hole he can. If he's just trying to get in, get out, it's probably because he's simply trying to shut you up so he can go about his day. Your post smells of a terrible relationship without any communication or passion, so I wouldn't be surprised if he dumped you or vice versa soon.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, you're young, and a one year relationship is a good run. I bet he was not always like this, I bet at first he lasted much longer, and he was much more focused on making the sex a memorable experience.
If none of this is true, then he's simply a lousy lay who doesn't know how to bring fire to the bedroom. Either way.... it's boring I'm sure. | |
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