| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/27/2008 9:58:22 AM | Hi POF'ers.
I'm not looking for sympathy nor an answer as to why this may have happened this way..just want to hear some comments on it.
After 5 months on here I've met a few men and found them to be "friend" material only. In Feb. I started chatting with a man whom I found interesting and seemed to be what I was looking for out here. We talked on the phone for a bit, met, then met a few times after, and had mutually agreed to see each other again last Saturday night. Saturday night came and I hadn't heard from him. It was late in the afternoon and I decided, instead of calling(don't know why) to check my messages on here. I got a note from him explaining why it was he couldn't come down (had to do with his car), that he would call me when he got home, and I answered back..OK..that I was going to my girlfriends till about 10 and to try me at home then.
Well its been a week now and he hasn't called or said anything on here. I tried calling..got his answering machine immediately. I thought at one point he might be really sick or something(the last time we spoke he had the flu bug, coughing, fever, wheezy when he spoke). So I left him a note the Tuesday saying I hoped he was feeling ok. Nothing. I then seen a few days later that he had read the note. Kind of pissed me off a bit to think he was at home, and knew I was out here worried about his health. So i then sent him a note saying I get the message he's trying to make by avoiding me . I'm 41 yrs old..the bottom line is quite clear..the feeling wasn't mutual obviously.
The more I thought about it the more I had the urge to tell him "thanks for not having the descency to tell me in person"...so I did.
My question is ..did I deserve an explanation or not? Are the rules here on pof that you can just fade out and leave a person dangling to draw their own conclusions?
A little feed back is all I'm looking for. Thanks . | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:07:33 AM |
Are the rules here on pof that you can just fade out and leave a person dangling to draw their own conclusions?
I don't think there are any rules. But, yes, this happens to people (men and women - online or in real life). Doesn't make it right, though.
IMHO, a simple phone call or email telling you he wasn't interested anymore would have been sufficient, but some people can't even do that. They would rather avoid it than deal with it. Just think, if that's how he deals with an uncomfortable situation, how would he deal with other every day life issues? You may be better off.
Better luck next time.
Krys | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:11:51 AM | Yep, big case of avoidance here.
Yes, you deserved an explanation but he wasn't man enough to give it to you. And no, the rules on POF are not that you can just fade out and leave the person to draw his/her conclusion. Way unfortunate however, more common than we think, online and in real life.
Biotch about it, curse, get it out of your system, then move on. That's my feedback.
Edited to add: avoiding is not good, honesty is always better but if he doesn't know you well or is afraid of confrontation, he decided to take the easy route.
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:13:51 AM | Thanks Krys.
I don't know..I try to treat everyone I speak with or meet from here honestly. I suppose you'll find a few that won't see things that way................... dd101
Edited to add: I am bitching, and getting it out... | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:41:32 AM | Hun, welcome to the world of internet dating where rules of decent behavior don't seem to apply for many people.
First time someone did it, I was also worried that something happened to them. Then I realized that they are okay, just not interested in talking to me.
Took me quite some time to stop asking myself "What the fcuk happened?".
After I stumbled upon the forums I realized that this does not happen only to ME, that it probably was not MY fault and that there is no use in asking "Why?"
It happens... often... and it sucks.
My question is ..did I deserve an explanation or not?
In my opinion, you deserved an explanation.
I have never pulled a vanishing act on anyone... and really HATE it when people act that way... but, there is no way to change this.
Are the rules here on pof that you can just fade out and leave a person dangling to draw their own conclusions?
There are NO rules, but there are lots of people who have no decency to say that they have changed their mind.
I do not understand why/how they do it... when it happens, I say to myself now "probably better that way, no?".
I would not want to get involved in a relationship with a person and then have them do the vanishing act.
So, if that's how they operate it's better that they vanish sooner rather than later.
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:54:15 AM | OP-I wrote this another thread; but it applies here too:
My experience on and off this site for the last year and half has been in these 4 categories:
 They stand you up for an initial meeting and disappear into a big black hole never to be heard from again
 They show up, have a drink with you and then proceed to try and get you into the bed as fast as they can-those are the ones you want to fall off the face of the earth into that big black hole but they don't, even after you have told them don't call me again....
 They show up for an initial meeting, seems like you "hit" it off -good vibes and they exit with the all too famous, I'll call you and then I'm guessing they get amnesia or loose their phone or fall into the same big black hole as the ones that never showed up did...
 Then there are the ones who show up and you think WOW, and they call you and you go out for a second short "drink" date and you're still thinking WOW and then they too get a case of amnesia and you never hear from them again....
I can only assume that big black hole must be getting filled up by now because I know I'm not the only this has happened too
I am honest with people I encounter; but like other posters have said...welcome to the "cesspool" er um I mean the dating pond  | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:58:50 AM | | I'm big on communication and whether it'd be work or play expect the same with anyone i choose to associate myself with. I don't know about you but I don't read minds nor so i have a magic wand, therefore someone that chooses to avoid a situation is not anyone I'd like to continue relations with. | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/27/2008 11:21:05 AM | OP- It says a lot about his character, in that, it appears he doesn't have much of one.
Just thank your lucky stars that it went no further than meeting and talking on the phone. It's not the POF or any other dating sites problems. It's the problem with the person who is lacking somewhat in character. Avoidance, is just an easy way to cope with it for them, it's most likely how he has _operated_ all of his life. Count yourself very lucky, he was no man in the true sense of the word.
I was also worried that something happened to them.
Yeah, don't 'cha just love it when something like THAT happens. | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/27/2008 12:53:29 PM | dd101,
I firmly believe in honesty, in all situations, for this provides a solid basis to act upon... whether, to continue in an endeavour or provide closure.
But... avoidance (not dealing with subject at hand) is the opposite of confrontation, not honesty.
Both can be done honestly or dishonestly.
Both can cause hurt and unanswered questions.
Since I believe that most act in a sincere manner, perhaps in this situation, the male was trying to alleviate hurt. Maybe that is all he is capable of at this juncture.
Many individuals will avoid, rather than face the music.
Could it be they are listening to a different tune?
So in answer to your question. Yes, I agree, you deserve a response/explanation, as this may help you move on. His non-response is his failure/weakness, but it is up to you to persevere onto the next interesting gentleman. Someone who at least is willing to listen to your tune. (read~compatibility)
Hope U keep on Fishing.
Whistling to,
The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.
Ur | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:25:39 PM | Honesty, hands down. Yes, you deserved an explanation - if for no other reason than so you didn't waste one more second focusing on the possibilities with him when he'd obviously moved on.
Since I used to be more of an avoider when I was younger, less mature and more afraid of confrontation .. I always takes this as a sign of immaturity.
Sorry to hear it happened to you, good luck next time! | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/28/2008 2:45:51 AM | Does it matter? This is the internet; and we all know everyone is respectful, caring, honest, reliable, and always doing the right thing.
The guy flaked; of course he should have been honest but he wasnt'. That's why internet dating is hard. Get over it and choose a better guy. | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:16:45 AM | | I agree with what most other people have stated. The disappearing act is rude, but is normal for internet dating. Personally if I lose interest in a woman for whatever reason after 1-2 dates, I would send a simple text / email message stating that. | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:31:02 AM | When I meet someone and decide not to take it further, I will tell them and not to avoid life situation. If you deal with people honestly, then you won't have people wondering about you, when you don't feel it inside your heart. This is how I would have approach it with anyone I meet anywhere, and its being straight forward with no games.
This man either had car problems, got sick or somewhere in the decision thinking, made up his mind not to know you further. If this is the case, I would have prefered to tell you, instead of making up "white" lies, and having you possibly thinking there's interest. I would move on, knowing this man couldn't be sincere in his opinion of you, and it wasn't meant to go any further. I know it can suck, but people anywhere can have bad manners. | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:38:49 AM | You certainly did have the right to know what was going on..this guy is not a keeper..not even for 5 mins...(an he probably knows this anyways, thus the no contact with you)
I had contact with someone who I thought was a *friend* first. We met..and I thought had a nice time..He said he did...gave me some gifts, etc. We had agreed that if things didn't work out for either of us, we would be up front and honest. Well, guess what...I had one quick e mail from him after I returned home saying he was busy with work and trying to get over a cold. Nothing since..I know he is alive..he is still on here..racking up the favorites!!! | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:39:28 AM | | welcome to the world of dating....especially on POF lol..... that may have been your first, but im sure it wont be your last like that..... just move on and try to foget about, try not to let men lie to you and walk all over you and if they lie once... THATS IT..no second chances...especially with a new guy, that will give them ammo and then they think you are saying its ok to lie and manipulate you...HONESTY is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS the best policy no matter what the issue is. | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:48:08 AM | OP, The sooner people realize that everything we do, affects something or someone in a positive or negative way, the sooner they can make a positive difference in this world.
I prefer to tell the truth, it may be something that only bothers me or it could be something that my date does not realize that she does to put off many people. Example ( talking badly of the Ex the entire time we are together or being a pessimist.. )
Your experience happens to both genders and IRL as well as on line dating.
You are looking for closure, most people don't care about that unless it happens to them. Then they will be the first to shout about how poorly they were treated, never thinking that they have done the same thing themselves.
Peace | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/29/2008 12:15:01 PM | I fell hard and fast for this guy..which isn't his fault..and also he is a great kisser..which is hard to forget as well.
Thanks for all the comments but when feelings are involved its not so easy just to get over it and get on with it.
I'm not going to bother getting bent out of shape about it anymore but a lil' advice to all: remember your actions affect everyone you come in contact with so be honest, no matter what the truth is because in the long run thats what is appreciated.
I've actually come to appreciate the guys who send e-mails asking for sex straight up...atleast you know right off what it is they want anyway..lol.
I think I'll stick to reading forums on here for a while..great advice..kind of puts it in your face when you're avoiding looking at the truth of situations. | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/29/2008 3:52:59 PM | [I can only assume that big black hole must be getting filled up by now because I know I'm not the only one this has happened to.]
This black hole is full of the ones that avoid me as well rather than say, "I'm not interested." | |
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| honesty or avoidance..which is the better in this situation?
Posted: 4/30/2008 3:11:50 AM | I am usually a strong proponent of the "honesty is the best policy" discussion, but a recent experience has me reconsidering that philosophy.
I conversed with a guy over several weeks and met him twice. We had a lot in common and he initially impressed me with qualities such as a commitment to charitable work and strong devotion to his son. However, I started to lose interest based on little things. He drove me crazy with "minutia"...those tiny, usually trifling matters. And, while we spoke on the phone daily, he didn't really make any effort to get together, even when I made the offer to drive to see him.
But, the "deal breakers" were speaking ill of others based on race, color, nationality, or religion and frequent derogatory comments regarding his ex.
So, for the first time EVER, I avoided the "I'm just not that into you" conversation. I knew he would not accept a simple "I'm not interested", but would demand the minutia as to "WHY?". Frankly, I didn't want to blast the guy with "You're prejudiced, have too much 'mama drama' and I think you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder"....the honest answers to his "WHY?".
I also knew he wouldn't understand that my perception is my reality. As an example, one of his favorite statements is that although he's been told he is arrogant (not by me), the reality is that he is just assertive. So, I knew after I told him why, he would want to argue to the smallest detail why my perception was wrong and why behaviors I perceive to be inappropriate are actually positive.
So! In his case, I'm not sure he would have liked my "explanation". I had to make a choice:
1) Be honest and hurt someone with some pretty heavy "explanations"; or
2) Be dishonest and make up "explanations" based on minor things that irritated me; or
3) Not say anything at all.
I went with #3 this time... | |
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