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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 1:06:34 PM | I was in a very violent and controlling relationship for three and a half long years. I was an independent woman, university educated and strong before i met him. From the beginning of the relationship he was constantly with me , escorting me every where, always by my side. At first i enjoyed the attention and i felt loved and close to someone. One day unexpectedly the violence began as a jealous outrage over one of my children ( grown up). He apologised and begged forgiveness and showed me his charming sensitive side and i forgave him. Eventually over time all my children had gone so had all my friends and eventually i lost a very good job. I ended up being repaired over and over again at the local A+E department at the local hospital where I used to work. No amount of offers of help and advise did i accept. He always threatened to kill himself if i left him., always promised a new beginning, always asked me to take a leap of faith and swore his undying love for me. I believed him always.
He went to prison twice for long periods and i would still be involved full on with him. visits every week, letters every day and phone calls every night. I sent him in money etc, etc. My each and every thought on a daily basis involved him. This time when he was released it was going to be different i told everyone., he 's done all the classes! However within a week he had started again ., just a little hair pulling at first and he progressed to things which were not visible. I cannot mention a lot of things but i am lucky to be alive. However he moved out and I could not function without him. He kept telling me it was temporary ,that we needed to do relate, that he would be back soon.I was desperate. I allowed him to call by whenever he wanted and he continued to abuse me and went on his way. Eventually i had a huge wake up call and now he is back in prison awaiting trial.I feel proud that i have finally found the courage to do this., though not alone ., Refuge , Counsellors, community safety, and friends who have stood by me. It has been almost 12 weeks since i had any kind of communicaion with him and that is in the three and a half years. He is still the person who is in my thoughts 24 hours a day. Good thoughts , bad thoughts, mixed emotions. I miss him so much. But I know that i will never take him back no matter what the outcome this time. It would be a life of secrets and lies and a lot worse besides. I'm in the process of being moved and i still cry alot. I revisit places we went to and i guess its a part of grieving. I wonder if i will ever trust anyone again ., Will i ever be the independent woman i once was ? Can anyone who may have been through a similar experience enlighten me please as i feel so alone on this one. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 1:17:30 PM | I would like to hope that you are over this... but you do not sound like you hate this man like you should hate someone that drove your children away, drove your friends away, cost you a good job and countless trips to the hospital. You say that you are still grieving for the loss of the relationship. I understand that this is a huge process. Just be vigilant! You can be the independent woman that you once were. It will just take alot of hard work, but DO IT!!
Just remember that the mixed emotions, the confusion, the extreme reality of it will end eventually. You just have to keep walking forward.
Best of luck and God Bless | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 1:39:59 PM | Sweetie - You will heal both physically and emotionally. You are so right that there is a grieving process, that length is only determined by you. There is a song/saying - When you're going through hell, keep on going! It is so true. You and you alone have to walk through your personal hell and emerge on the other side as the strong, independent woman you once were. You can trust and love again, all it takes is time.
Learn from this lesson the first time. I unfortunately didn't and had to endure another. This time I got it right and have been in several happy and healthy relationships. There will be those who will criticize you for staying so long. Unless they themselves have been in an abusive relationship they cannot imagine what you are going through. Do not relent and step back into this relationship, you are stronger than you know. You can do this - Good luck with your journey! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 1:49:17 PM | | You're never going to be the person you once were before he entered your life. Going through what you have can't help but change you. In some ways you'll become stronger...in some ways, more vulnerable. The thing to remember is that you had a wonderful life before him and that you can have an even better life without him. Hopefully he goes away long enough for you to realize that you can be happier than you ever imagined....without him! Be stong! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 1:51:35 PM | #1 - you should see a professional for what you have been going through emotionally.
Is there an Interval house there? Have you sought a support group in your area? There are unfortunately many women that have been abused by their spouses, men too.
#2 - There is a name for what you have experienced, beyond battery and mental cruelty. It's called the "Circle of Abuse"
The relationship starts out in the "Honeymoon phase", he (and I am just using "he" for an example) tells you how beautiful you are, takes you out for dinner, woos you.. then once you get comfortable you hit the "Tension building phase", starting usually with verbal insults, cutting down the partner, as tension builds, he becomes more aggressive, and makes his partner feel like it is her fault. The next phase is the "Violence phase", he will physically beat her, pull her hair, pinch, punch, anything that will make her cower is not enough. Then comes the "Contrition phase", he is sooo sorry for what he has done, he wants to make it up to her, begs her to take him back, to see reason, sometimes in severe cases will say that she deserved it because she was making him angry (which is another form of abuse in itself).. if the woman wants to believe he won't do it again and goes back to him, the "Honeymoon phase" starts all over again.. and so on and so forth.. Abusers DON'T change. They will always be an abuser.. generally the beatings will escalate in severity, and the person being abused can end up dead!
What you are feeling is probably the result of 3 1/2 years of brainwashing, and low self-esteem. You should seek some counselling, it isn't your fault that you were abused. You need to know that you can do better, that not every person you get involved with is going to be abusive, and that LIFE is better than the alternative. You deserve to live, and find happiness. Time will help.
Whatever you do, do NOT go see him in jail again, change the locks on your doors if he has a key, change your phone number, don't take any of his phone calls, find yourself a decent job, and seek therapy.. You are NOT alone.
JMO | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 2:03:46 PM | Hi - I was in an abusive marriage, but the first time he abused his son, after returning home from Vietnam, he was out for good (you wouldn't send your child to child care where they kick the kids, why put up with it in a marriage?)
The second marriage sounds a lot like yours, where my children were abused as well as myself, but being taught how desperate it is to be all alone with no one that really cares and that can help support 4 kids, I kept trying to change things--finally had to escape at night and run to a neighbor's that took us in.
My first husband gave very little child support and is now $150,000 in arrears, 3 out of 4 kids won't communicate hardly at all because their father is now helping them out financially. I live alone, but am loving it. Each night, I thank God that I am the only one on the inside of this locked apartment, and am still trying to master the art of when someone treats me worse than I treat myself, tell them to get lost.
Every lady I know that is the sole support of children has told me that they have a strong belief in God as her partner--I have found that in many cases the 5 of us wouldn't have eaten, except for some miracle outside of my own control.
You are never alone, and you are the only one that can truly give you all that you want in life--what you had was a toxic relationship, and here's hoping that toxicity can stay away from you, with your help. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 2:23:47 PM | | M'lady , you are indeed very brave.Congratulations on cutting the cord and moving on. Yes , it's difficult and yes you miss the good times. Remember no partner is worth your health, your safety and your self respect.Please do not let emotions cloud good judgment.I would encourage you to learn self defense, as I would to anyone who has ever been abused. Then if there is a next time and I hope there isn't, give that piece of $hit a taste of his own medicine and see how much he likes getting hit in the face, punched in the stomach or whatever. I'll bet my house any woman or man for that matter shows some balls and gives back the violence they were "gifted" there would be a lot less sorrow. Forget turn the other cheek..an eye for an eye. Learn to fight and don't ever be a victim again mama | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 2:57:46 PM | awww llyn.. u r not alone mf (my friend)..  .. u will have moment (& thats all they r) when u`ll feel like ur alone in this big wide world.. but ur not..  ..
i am a survivor of domestic violence as well.. i was abused in every sense of the word for 10 yrs.. i left my abuser in 98.. got my divorce from him in 2001 on my b-day (was the best present i have ever gotten!).. what i had went threw.. i wish no other person goes threw!.. this man had threatened my life numerous times (& still did after i left him.. he went as far as 2 hire a hit man 2 'do me in'.. i found this out threw the police).. there were nites while we were together that he would kick me out at odd hrs of the nite.. he would throw my down flights of stairs when i was (very much) pregnant w/my son.. degrade & humiliate me out in public & in front of family members (his & mine).. had 2 'report back 2 him' whenever my children & i went 2 a store & had 2 show my ex the receipts 4 everything i had boughten).. moved me & our children away from my family & friends.. my kids & i had been in woman`s shelters countless times while i was w/him..
when i had left him.. i was terrified as all hell!.. terrified not only 4 my life.. but that of my childrens`s lives!.. but i took back that fear & had gotten control over my life once again.. i had long since forgiven him (was the hardest thing 2 do!.. but had done it).. but i have not forgotten..
llyn, when u feel alone & wanna chat w/someone.. i`m an email away mf.. .. when u start ;missing; ur ex.. i would like 4 u 2 write down the good & the bad about him & c which 1 'out weighs' the other.. i had 2 do that as i went threw what ur going threw now after i left my ex husband (it was my counselor who had suggested i do this)..
and what ur going threw now is 'normal' 4 someone coming out of an abusive relationship.. give urself time (whatever & 4 how ever long it takes u) 2 heal.. as u can tell.. ur not going 2 heal 'overnite'.. what u went threw was very traumatic!.. 1 day (& this i can promise u) u`ll end up 'forgetting' that u miss him.. then u`ll know ur on the road 2 recovery.. ..
but whatever u do (& this goes 4 anyone else whose thinking the same thing!).. do not go back 2 ur abuser.. the final outcome could be quite fatal!..
i was asked after i left my ex hubby 'would u ever go back 2 him?'.. i would smile & say 'when hell freezes over' ..  ..
remember llyn.. i`m only an email away.. .. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 3:19:02 PM | | No matter how "bad" someone is to you in life it wouldn't be wise to hate anyone no matter what. That hate no matter how it's justified is like poison and will built up in your soul and body. Just notice the more people you feel negativity to any extent like that, including yourself, builds up and eventually starts giving you physical pains, prone to get sicknesses and/or dis-eases more often. Some cases it can build up so much that you get cancer or even die before at a time before you normally would. Plus, how are you helping anyone out by adding more negativity on someone like that instead of showing them a little love. It doesn't mean you have to stay with them in a relationship or anything, just send them away with love. Because it's those very "self-righteous" people that spend all their time trying to build themselves up as being "good" compared to everyone else they tear down with negative judgements to make those people "bad" and "lesser". In other words, those "bad" people are ultimately created through the pride and neglect of those who claim to be "good" people. So ultimately love would do better for everyone... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 3:27:10 PM | My exwife was an abuser, and like you I stayed way too long in the relationship. I finally left because I could stand for my son to see the attacks and it was escalating to the point where I was afraid I would be able to take it and would hurt her getting away. And even working 2500 miles away, I was doing phone councilling, begging for her to get help, and supporting her 100%. It took her running and hiding with my son (for 3 years) to teach me to hate.
When it was over I asked myself the same questions. For the longest time certain phrases and mannerisms would totally put me off with a woman (a few still do) It took me a long time to want to date.
You will trust again, life will be good again. But it will never be the same, you will be more wary, and more atuned to your sense of self preservation. You have to force yourself to get out and do stuff for a little while but it gets easier every month. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 3:48:10 PM | LLynass - let's break the elements of your post that you can do something about...ok?
First of all, consider that leaving the relationship you have described to be comparable to withdrawal from a serious substance addiction. It's going to be uncomfortable. You're going to crave that "drug" because you believe you need it to live, think, breath, act, feel, and more until your own identity became an extension of his. No blame projection here at all.
Now let's break some things down into smaller chunks:
Eventually i had a huge wake up call
Write that wake-up call down and post it everywhere you need to as a reminder NOT to go back. You're in crisis right now so it's fresh. But your head's been messed with big time and as time progresses: justification, denial, minimizing, inability to trust your ability to make your own decisions INDEPENDENT of him and more. Look at that visual to stay focused on THE reality as many times as you need to.
I feel proud that i have finally found the courage to do this.
It takes GREAT courage to LEAVE. You didn't just find the courage - you HAVE the courage. Call it what it is - be specific. You didn't "do this" - you made a choice to leave the relationship. You made a choice to take your life back! Every day, look in the mirror and say these things to your reflection in the mirror out loud until they become so ingrained in you that you believe them.
It has been almost 12 weeks since i had any kind of communicaion with him and that is in the three and a half years.
Make the DECISION to have NO contact with him - no matter how much you miss him, no matter how much you want to hear his voice just once, no matter how scared you are, no matter what. If there are any legal or property issues to resolve, hire someone to handle it on your behalf. NO direct contact. One contact is too many and a thousand will never be enough.
though not alone ., Refuge , Counsellors, community safety, and friends who have stood by me
Lean on these supports and within those supports, find a couple of people you can call anytime you feel any urges to contact him. Build your network of supports - they are your life preservers. Most safe houses also provide group counseling comprised of domestic abuse survivors in various stages of healing. As important as individual counseling as it validates you, encourages you, catches you when you fall and so much more - all of which you need right now.
He is still the person who is in my thoughts 24 hours a day. Good thoughts , bad thoughts, mixed emotions. I miss him so much.
This is a normal reaction but is one you can CHOOSE to control. You can CHOOSE to only think about him at scheduled intervals throughout the day. Ask your supports to help you with this. The more you dwell on these feelings, the more he continues to control your life and define your life. It isn't him you miss - its the denial you're fighting with now. The mixed emotions are in part struggling within yourself between what you know to be the truth and the messages you have been fed persistently that invalided your emotions. Crazy as it sounds, for as awful as abusive relationships are - there's also an element of comfort in the familiarity. Now you've embarked on a journey that necessitates learning a new "language". It's scary and unknown. You look back and at least there you know what to expect, even though this man undoubtedly will succeed in killing you if you do go back. Now you're positionally in another "country" that is completely strange and unknown. Your support people serve as your translators and guides so you won't get lost.
But I know that i will never take him back no matter what the outcome this time.
Do more than "know". Make your DECISION that no way in this life or any other will you ever go back. Make a strong DECISION and choose to act in line with your decision.
I'm in the process of being moved and i still cry alot.
"Tears are the words of emotions." A domestic abuse victim advocate told me those words many years ago and I never forgot them. It's OK to cry. Cry as much as you want. Fill an ocean if you need to with your tears. It's SAFE to cry now.
I revisit places we went to and i guess its a part of grieving.
No, it's not part of grieving at all. It's the part of you that wants to hold onto the belief that his promises to change will mean he'll stop - only he won't stop. It's the part of you that loves the illusion of who you want to believe he is, only he isn't that person at all. He's your worst nightmare. STOP revisiting those places. It's as harmful to you right now as it would be to communicate with him via phone, letter or in person. You are in fact indirectly communicating with him by revisiting those places.
Right now - CHOOSE to focus on YOU. CHOOSE to STOP focusing on him. See how little he is compared to YOU?
I wonder if i will ever trust anyone again
That's entirely up to you and how much self-work you are willing to invest in your own healing. It's not an easy journey, but if you commit yourself to taking this journey, the rewards are well worth the growing pains.
Will i ever be the independent woman i once was ?
Depends on how badly you want to be. You'll never be quite the same woman as you were before, but you will be a much stronger woman and wiser woman as a result of your experiences. As to your independence? Make that DECISION and act on it - and no matter how hard and uncertain itmay feel at times, don't quit!
i feel so alone on this one.
You feel alone in part because of the isolation of your relationship with that man and having only him or what he defined as human socialization. The reality is you are NOT alone at all. Many survivors out there and not all of them are women.
i am lucky to be alive
Yes, you are. Go back and you likely won't be able to say that ever again.
I'm not usually this blunt but what concerns me is that you are on a dating site. Embrace the opportunity you have right now to define your life the way you want it to be. Too soon for you to be on a dating site and I haven't read your profile. Jump too soon into dating, odds are stacked against you surviving the next one.
"I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday, and I love today."
Email me and I can sent you some good online support links that will be more effectively relevant to where you are at this point.
It's all up to you now. Be whole again, so you will attract whole. No quick fix solutions. Best words I have heard came from a physical therapist as I was painfully learning to walk again: "No pain, no gain."
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 3:49:07 PM | You are a victim, but you are choosing to be a victim. You are a big part of the problem. Someone almost destroys your life and you still think of him with mixed emotions and miss him; wow. It's almost like your addicted to being addicted to him; like your addicted to being a victim and the sympathy that comes with it. I dont know you but your story is strange.
Its also tiresome to hear women say how strong they are or they were; its actions that show strength, not perceptions.
What is there to miss? Lost career, beatings, mental and physical abuse, turmoil, embarassment, loss of respect from your friends....
You need to stop romanticizing what your relationship might have been, and start realizing what it is; dysfunctional violence.
I kind of dont' feel sorry for you now. You are choosing to be sad when there is nothing to be sad about; you should be thanking God above he's gone but instead you miss him? You chose a very evil and slimy person into your life.
Those around you should say stop being addicted to this guy and to this sorrow of him not being around. You dont' even grieve for the pain you went through, you miss him.
This is classic in abuse cases but you need to wake up and erase him from your life. Stop acting like your missing out on Titanic when what you had was a nightmare. You need counseling big time and an honest counselor; someone to tell you to stop this fairytale your living. He was scum, you chose him and you not giving him up emotionally and mentally is your fault. Wake up, erase him and move on with your life, or get used to the pain and turmoil. The choice is yours. You are the one in control now and which way you go is on you. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 4:08:38 PM | | For God's sake get off dating sites. You are in no condition to hook up with a new person. 12 weeks is not enough time to heal after 3 plus years of abuse. Yes, you can get your strength back after years of therapy. No normal person puts up with that level of abuse without coming out of it damaged. Get yourself some help. You chose to be with a man that beat you and treated you like crap, now it's time to find out why, not to find a new man. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 5:22:23 PM | Msg. 12 On "point" with your insights.
I kind of dont' feel sorry for you now.
While it may sound harsh, it's actually enabling to feel sorry for a victim in these situations as it fosters the victim mentality which is anything but empowering. Far better that she be consistently told the reality (absent blame, absent judgment) and be empowered to make her choices in line with the reality of her situation. Although three years may to some not sound very long, but by what she describes - it appears that this man was fast and furious in the isolation fairly early. So she's operating in a very confusing reality disconnect.
She has a share of ownership but while still in the crisis element of leaving - it's not something she can hear right now. She's had three years of hearing about all that is wrong with her and how everything is her fault, not to mention everything in between. Too much of that landing on her now is going to feel to her too familiar to what she's left and too frightening and as unsafe as what she left.
I'm not clear that she actually left as it appears to me he was jailed which precipitated the rest. Timing and how one delivers the truth is everything. Before she can even begin to start work on her portion, she has to feel safe and that is going to take a while - a lot more than 12 weeks given the severity of the abuse.
Let's work on empowering her rather than disabling her further than she already is. She's already tottering on the edge, let's not push her over it in the wrong direction.
Fair enough, posters?
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 7:00:18 PM | | I am in agreement with message 13. You need to heal, and need to process what happened and a new man is the last thing that you need after what you have been through. Best to you, OP. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 8:43:13 PM | | How long would it constitute a sufficient "healing" time? For some it may be better to find someone new and start a new relationship as a way to get over an old one. It's quite possible the next one she finds could be the man of her dreams, you don't know that. It isn't going to help someone by telling them they "need" to do something. Just put the advice out there as a suggestion and let them make the decision if they want to us or lose that advice because what may "the best way" for one person is a joke to the next... | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:12:02 PM | I just had to respond to this post.... after over 25 years of abuse, i fled, with the help of a womans shelter. That was 4 years ago, and i can tell you now, you are not ready for any relationships and for God's sake, dont go back. YOU have to get help, any womans abuse shelter in the yellow pages will give you group or individual therapy information. You must go, and go often. I learned that i didnt think i was worth anything more than what little he gave me, i learned i had a problem, just as much as he did. Oh i wanted to go back to him, even up to a few weeks ago, but now, i have my freedom and im not giving it up again for him or anyone. So 4 years later, still single and really still not sure if i can ever trust again and still getting therapy. But I KNOW, IM WORTH BETTER
Stay tough, and remember "One day at a time", keep saying it over and over.
Good luck (i hope this made sense, i have so much to say) | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:40:51 PM |
For some it may be better to find someone new and start a new relationship as a way to get over an old one
This is not one of those times. How much training and experience do you have with domestic violence, victim impact thereof and crisis intervention?
Right now, she's prey for the next one like a sitting duck having just come out of a three-year war zone only 12 weeks ago. Like a magnet. Difference rules of engagement in that kind of war. And there is no definitive measurable healing time as that is defined by her and her courage to heal as well as determination to discover who she is independent of anyone else's opinion of who she is. She hops into another relationship before she is whole, IF she survives it, compounded healing time.
It took me 9 years to break free of my relationship pattern and I was much younger then than she is now. Trust me when I say forget relationship hopping as there is NO quick fix and NO short cruise to Hawaii to alleviate the inevitable reality that at the end of the day, in order to have a better life - one has to look at one's own self first and fix what is broke there first. Short story version of breaking the cycle of abuse.
I doubt that this is her first experience with domestic violence. The fact alone that she states she has supports OFFline yet chooses to post in a public dating site forum rather than avail herself of skilled counseling support is telling in and of itself that she has a pervasive pattern of making emotional choices that place her in abusive relationships.
This situation with the OP is far beyond the scope of "Oh, well. This didn't work out so just hop into another relationship." Why do you think the web is so prevalent with predators and abusers? It's a gravy train for abusers which are a form of predator. Easy "marks". Minimal effort on their part - the web makes it so easy so say all the right words at just the right time and all one has to go on is what that person writes. The higher percentage of communication is I believe 80% non-verbal, give or take. So those initial conversations via email or IM only give 20% insight into what that person is really saying beyond the words. It amazes me when browsing the forums how many people (not just women either) are so convinced they've found their soulmate before ever meeting him or her just on visual words on a screen alone. Then later start a thread about being confused, abused, cheated on or dumped - wondering what happened.
OP's internal radar isn't working to discern the difference between healthy and sick - she herself is sick. At this point in time, she hasn't the ability to recognize healthy. Her sense of identity is embroiled with that of her ex's, she has minimal at best identity of her own. By her own admission, she is struggling with confusion within her memories, her emotions and more. Her risk of encountering a worse hell than she's experienced thus far is off the charts it's so high, yet she's already on at least one dating site that we know of, looking for that knight in shining armour to rescue her from her pain, when the reality is - she has to rescue herself.
This isn't a joking matter at all. Where she is now is not going to land her the man of her dreams, highly favorable to landing her worst nightmare. Oh, no doubt that anyone she meets will create a good illusion of being prince charming but it will be an illusion, for that is the kind of man she'll attract. The whole man will recognize that she isn't ready for a relationship and move on.
It is what it is. Here's an irony that has been persistently my experience over a lifetime. Be it abuse survivor or abuse victim - we know who we are even when we don't verbalize who we are when we encounter either. The former victims that do the self-work transition into victors. I have yet to encounter a victor who hasn't in some way extended a rope to a victim. It's the victim's decision to reach for the rope or not.
Another consideration is for the potential new man on the horizon. Relationships between emotionally healthy people have challenges. It's a bit presumptuous to expect any man (or woman in the reverse situations) to adopt all that unresolved baggage on top of the growing pains that are part of any relationship.
There are differences between opinion, advice, projection and wisdom. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 2:27:24 AM | First I want to tell you CONGRATULATIONS Being a survivor of an abusive relationship I know how hard it is to leave. Very rarly does it ever stop or get better until one or both partners are dead. I was with my ex on and off for over 2 years and he almost killed me a handful of times. I finally woke up one morning and though to myself "hes gonna kill me the next time" so I had to decide whos life was more important mine or his? I picked mine and thats been a decision Ive NEVER regreted. Its been a few years since I left him and its been rough he calls and stalks me from time to time, saying it will be different but I know it wont. I still have my bad days when I miss the thought of "us" and the "good times" and consider going back to him but I know that im better off. My only advice is STAY AWAY and never take him back. Its not worth risking your life for someone who doesnt even treat you that well in the first place. You will always be able to find someone better even if it takes time. Congrats again and stay strong!! | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:57:23 AM | First of all i'd like to thank all of you who have left your comments. I'm not actually on this site to find a date., am trying to keep my mind occupied and seek what ? can't answer that one at the present time! however i must be making some progress as i never listened to any advise whatsoever as i always thought that i knew him best of all and it was''me'' and only me who could bring the lovely side of him out permanently and change him.. after all it was me he swore his undying love for!!!!!!!! I know differently now. It's quite scary actually realising instead of minimising the risks i took.The police told me that sooner or later they would be collecting a dead body.But he would turn from an aggressor who literally had me peeing with fear to an angelic , childlike being , begging , pleading,and crying for love and attention. Sometimes he would intimidate me for hours and then say i've had enough of this you can go to sleep now., and i wouldn't move because he was far quicker than me. He would then bring breakfast upstairs like nothing happened. I would be so confused by his change in behaviour that sometimes i thought i was the mad one. To the lady who thinks that i must have been in a relationship like this before ... no i havn't. My ex husband and i are very good friends , in fact it was he who encouraged me to to study at a higher level.
I would like to say though thanks for the breakdown of my letter so to speak. I appreciate the time taken to do it! iI am grateful to everyone! How do i find the e-mails of those who have offered? I am not ever going to take him back but am glad that he is not around at present to try and persuade me. As we all know a jury has to make up its own mind and in cases like these some of the things can be difficult to prove so i need to be strong for the possibility of him being released.Thanx again to everyone. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 7:24:54 AM | You will never be the person you were before. We all change a little bit every day and when one has a life altering exprience as you have, it changes us dramatically in a relatively short period of time in comparison to how long it took you to become the woman you were before the abuse.
If you learn to love yourself, to see each day as a gift, you will be a different person that will find a way to again be confident and trusting and caring.
There are too many women that have been through your situation. I was spared, for the most part, physical attacks but the times that my X would grab my arm and jerk me or shove me one time so that I wound up falling over a folding chair. I remember thinking how the hell do women that really get the crap knocked out of them feel when this minor contact hurts this much?
There are support groups, go to them. Find positive women with which to surround yourself, and try finding out if you can get into a program to help learn to train at the shelters. You are likely to find that you can fairly easily identify other people that are still trapped and your experiences will help them break free.
You have to look at where you have been to see the mistakes but try not to dwell on it, the important thing is that you are alive, you are away, and you can start beginning your new life any way YOU want to. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 7:32:52 AM | carolann (msg 13) says
For God's sake get off dating sites
But POF is much more than a dating site. Its also forums like this one, where someone can reach out for help. Its good that you're here.
It would be even better if you were getting professional counseling too.
Like others who have posted, I was in a similar situation. Job: gone. Friends: gone. Self esteem: gone. We got separated for a year, and are now divorced 6yrs.
The only communication that I am willing to discuss with her now is logistics of our kids traveling back and forth. And those are written. Sometimes she'll complain to me about money or stress, or a leaking roof, but all those messages must get deleted. She is not part of my life.
I would strongly urge you to cut communication to the ABSOLUTE minimum. If he wants to talk about relationships, emotions, money, his needs, your needs, etc, cut it off. I found that verbal (face to face and phone) communication leads to too much mis-interpretation. By only responding to written communication, I could cut out the emotions, and thereby cut out the emotional abuse.
Surround yourself with good people. Make new friends, excel in your job, volunteer for something, meet your neighbors, get out there. May you find that life without his wrath is absolutely, incredibly WONDERFUL!
G | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 7:38:26 AM | Letting you in on a secret here:
You already are!
From the minute you wrote for help, from the minute you took out the injunction and the harassment order. Well done you. F R E E D O M dont it smell good girl.
Get out have some fun now, dont you dare tie yourself to anyone for a year minimum, invite the family and friends round for a party to celebrate the new you.
Forget the past, take 'self defense lessons' till you know and are sure that no one will ever get the better of your again E V E R, enjoy the life you have been missing out on all these years.
Proud of you | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 7:43:39 AM | | Please don't take any notice of people who havent been through domestic violence, they have no idea of what they are talking about. You need to talk about this to as many people who will listen. PM if you want i will listen, been there done that. | |
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| Domestic Violence
Posted: 4/28/2008 7:50:10 AM | OP you are no longer a victim......you are a survivor. Alebit, you may be a survivor at times still stuck in the victim mode,but, if you continue on the path you are on you well get beyond that. Once out of the situation you became a "survivor" . You now have to start thinking like one.
Get your support firmly in place and when you feel yourself missing or needing him call on that support. Stay away from people and places that bring up memories of him if it is at all possible. Once you have your mental strength back you will yourself wonder how you ever let yourself go down this path.
You are over the worst. The bravery and courage you have shown to extradite yourself from the situation proves that you are stronger than some would give you credit for.
I wish you nothing but peace and serenity as you walk the rest of your journey to wellness. | |
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