| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 3:43:43 AM | i get mail on here from seemingly decent guys , and cute too!
but..... a lot from guys that are in another country or at the other end of my country.
now i dont think that long distant rellys would work , though i never had one.
id think that if i fell head over heels it be a nightmare as i wouldnt want to be away from my lover.
so do you guys want a woman far away for a bit of the other or for romance and love??
 | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 4:00:40 AM | | I think that you shouldn't be further away than you can drive after work and still have time to do something that night. I was just dating a girl(from POF) that lives about 250 miles away. That's on the far end of reasonable, I think. | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:41:19 AM | | OP, why would anyone - man or woman - go through the pains, problems and adjustments that come with long-distance relationships if it was just for lust and not for love? Lust can be found around every corner at any time, so your question doesn't make much sense to me. Hardly anyone in their right mind would even remotely think of an LDR if the other person wasn't for real. | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:42:28 AM | nope a long distance relationship (in the way you describe) is generally (but not always) lack of self esteem and desperation. Generally it's saying 'I don't think I'm good enough to find someone where I am and/or can't deal with an in person relationship'.
If you want a serious relationship, you'll want someone you can see regularly. You can't really do that LD.
Usually when you meet the person, you'll find out a lot of the reasons why they sought a long distance relationship in the first place. Also as a lot of people have mentioned about talking to people too long by email/chat before meeting even locally, you can often build up a mental image of the person that isn't true and that they won't meet when you do meet them. It's very easy to present an idealized version of yourself over the net and phone. LD relationships are the easiest way to keep that fantasy going the longest.
FYI, spoken as someone who moved 1000 miles to be w/ someone met via a long distance relationship :) I used to do LD relationships way back -- not anymore. | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:05:54 AM |
nope a long distance relationship (in the way you describe) is generally (but not always) lack of self esteem and desperation. Generally it's saying 'I don't think I'm good enough to find someone where I am and/or can't deal with an in person relationship'
Bigjohn.... Where did you come up with that? LDR's are not a sign of insecurity, lack of self-esteem or desperation. They are usually built upon (when both parties are open and honest with no game playing) personality and conversation. I have done the LDR thing and would do it again. I'm not so insecure as to say:
You need to see me everynight
Come on, we are adults with our own lives and LDR's, when done properly, can give the opportunity for 2 people to get to know each other while leaving the opportunity for each to live their own life without the constant surgical hip joining that happens so often with new relationships . Remember, we are individuals and individuals need together time and me time. This is what seperates us from machines, okay this and sex organs.... | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 7:12:01 AM |
i get mail on here from seemingly decent guys , and cute too!
Well you are already ahead of many women. They seem to get assh**es and ugly ones.
i don't think that long distant rellys would work , though i never had one.
Well I know for a fact that long distance relationships, are a bit more trying then say with someone within 50 miles of you, I wouldn't go as far as to say they wouldn't work though. Even though my very first long distance relationship didn't work, it was a pretty damn good try, and not 100 percent out the window. I don't recommend searching for that type of relationship, but hey why not try, if you think you found the perfect match for you.
OP perhaps you can let some other women in on your secret, to getting emails from decent, and cute guys. <img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0> | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 7:13:57 AM |
Bigjohn.... Where did you come up with that? LDR's are not a sign of insecurity, lack of self-esteem or desperation. They are usually built upon (when both parties are open and honest with no game playing) personality and conversation. I have done the LDR thing and would do it again.
I agree! A long distance situation allows you to get to know a person properly without the physical distractions. The connections are formed based purely on chemistry within a conversation whether it be online or over the phone making you more prone to fall in love with them for who they are as a person.....lust has nothing to do with it. I would be open for another LDR if the right person was to come along, even though the lack of physical contact can be tough for an affectionate guy like me. | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:01:55 AM | She's talking about guys VERY far away (other countries or the opposite side of this one). I'm not talking about an hour or two's travel time...
and we are separate from machines -- we also need human, physical contact (not necessarily sex). Notice I never mentioned you have to see someone every day or be joined at the hip -- I said regularly. You can talk all you want LDR -- there is no way to know if the relationship really works without seeing someone regularly in person.
I still stand -- unless you live in a place where there is just nobody in your local pool worth dating, why would you seek a long distance relationship? I am saying if you are specifically seeking LTR so far away where seeing the person can't be done on any regular basis... there is an issue because there are plenty of people you might be compatible where you can see them, so obviously you DON'T want a local relationship.
I disagree that they let you get to know someone 'properly' -- you're presenting an idealized version of yourself that is not what the relationship would be like necessarily in person -- it's very easy to build the other person up into what you want them to be rather than what they truly are. You can get along with a person great by e-mail/phone and have it be totally different in person. Chemistry over the phone/email often has very little to do with chemistry in person. Sometimes it works, very often it doesn't.
She asked for guys opinions -- I'm just stating mine. :) | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:10:18 AM | doesnt make sense?
well , i dated a guy off a diff site to this 200+ miles away that i kinda fell for,
was seeing him at weekends for 3 months ,
found out he was in a serious relationship that was lacking sexual activity.
so therefore he only wanted "lust" and if he got his lust off "every corner" at "any time" he would have been found out quicker by his fiance.
ergo , he wasnt for real.
understand now? | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:28:47 AM |
I disagree that they let you get to know someone 'properly' -- you're presenting an idealized version of yourself that is not what the relationship would be like necessarily in person -- it's very easy to build the other person up into what you want them to be rather than what they truly are. You can get along with a person great by e-mail/phone and have it be totally different in person. Chemistry over the phone/email often has very little to do with chemistry in person. Sometimes it works, very often it doesn't.
A lot of people seem to describe long distance relationships as a fantasy, fake connections, and that you're building yourself up for disappointment but seeing (or reading) this over and over again adds to my confusion. I have had some long distance experiences in the past, pen pals for months and months on end turning into meaningful relationships and I have NEVER had problems during the first meet. The chemistry we shared through regular chats by phone and emails continued in person. There was no awkwardness at all, no disappointments, we talked, kissed, and touched like we had been together the whole time. The first real contact was more like 6-10 month couple contact if that makes sense. Was I lucky? I would say no because I have done it more than once and the transition from online to real contact went very well. So I have to disagree with you based on my past experiences, long distance can work if both people are honest and open....its all about communication. | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 9:33:42 AM | I agree with Robjohn: Good communication is crucial.
This, on the other hand ...
nope a long distance relationship (in the way you describe) is generally (but not always) lack of self esteem and desperation. Generally it's saying 'I don't think I'm good enough to find someone where I am and/or can't deal with an in person relationship'.
If you want a serious relationship, you'll want someone you can see regularly. You can't really do that LD.
Usually when you meet the person, you'll find out a lot of the reasons why they sought a long distance relationship in the first place. Also as a lot of people have mentioned about talking to people too long by email/chat before meeting even locally, you can often build up a mental image of the person that isn't true and that they won't meet when you do meet them. It's very easy to present an idealized version of yourself over the net and phone. LD relationships are the easiest way to keep that fantasy going the longest.
FYI, spoken as someone who moved 1000 miles to be w/ someone met via a long distance relationship :) I used to do LD relationships way back -- not anymore.
... sends my personal BS meter to record highs.
The opposite of what you state is true, IMO:
It takes a lot of self-esteem to enter and stay in a long-distance relationship. It takes a lot of trust. And it takes a lot of enthusiasm, appreciation, respect, and much much more will to make adjustments and to compromise than a relationship with someone that is living in the same place requires. If you fly back and forth regularly, to name just one example, you don't adjust and align schedules, book flights, spend the time, money, and energy out of "low self-esteem". Nor do you do all that for a person you don't genuinely care for. I know I don't. I am in a long-distance relationship right now (1,000 miles between us, still spending every other week with each other), he's the greatest man I've ever met, so I don't care about the distance as long as I know he's there for me and with me. And I've been in long-distance relationships before, even internationally. All of them committed and wonderful. | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 10:13:58 AM | I've done the long distance thing before. A couple of times actually.
And yes, I can work. The feelings shared are very real. And while it can be hard... it is very VERY worth it if you've found the right person.
You just have to remember that BOTH involved have to work at making the relationship successful. It can't be a one way street.
Now, I'm sure there's losers out there who try to sucker people into a long distance relationship so that they can get the emotional satisfaction out of it for themselves... without ever having to make good on their promises of love.
But that's definitely not the majority.
I know many people who have been in or are currently in long distance relationships. And they are very happy.
Just as I was when I was in that situation. | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 3:52:23 PM | A long distance relationship can start long distance but there has to eventually be proximity for it to mature. That means extra issues that will be in long distance relationships that are not in relationships with someone local.
You both have to be open to relocating your lives. You have to be willing and able to increase visits to increase knowledge and emotional intimacy (not just sex but that helps) because you just don't get the full picture of things over a phone or in text. Both have to be unusually patient and unusually good communicators in order for it to be successful. Distance creates issues that needs patience and communication. Anyone who has been in one can attest to it. You can not be a black and white type of person or the distance will eat you alive emotionally. You also need to be much more emotionally mature to deal with the range and intensity of emotions between the times together and times apart. You must also have a stronger resolve and a stronger definition of commitment than most.
Long distance relationships are not easy and you must know what you are getting yourself into. It is not for the weak of heart or mind. It is not for the "immediate gratification" crowd and it is not for the emotionally needy and weak. But just like anything, with great risk comes great reward. | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 4:05:05 PM | | I never said long distance relationships never work or that what I described is always the case. The ones I've personally had experience with either myself or others I've known generally have. It's just my opinion that they very rarely work out and therefore aren't worth the extra effort based on my own observation. If it works for you more power to you. I just question why that great person can't be found nearby (unless you live in a very small town without much selection). | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:02:50 PM | There's a great danger involved with LDR's, and that is based on building up a "false image" of who a person is. This isn't due to deceit , but to the mechanics behind the medium of communication involved.
It's a very "Mcluhanesque" type of situation, with the medium actually risking a completely non-normal impact on the potential relationship. This is even echoed in relationships in the same city that linger too long without a face to face meeting.
It's a reversal of our entire experience with dating and falling in love.
For our entire evolution as a species, this has typically meant meeting FIRST, and then exploring the person further. This new opportunity technology offers us reverses that sequence, and that can cause big problems.
One develops and image and mythology, and then the person (after X period of time) has to stand face to face with the "real" person. This is where problems occur.
Seldom can the person match the level of the myth, and the contrast means potential trouble.
I've expressed it before as being a bit like reading a book about a person, and then meeting them. Typically, they will not be able to compete with your imagination's portrayal of them.
Can it be overcome ? Certainly.
But it takes two very special people to accomplish that, and (if my experience proves to be correct) that's the exception to the rule.
Is it lust ?
Not at all, in my opinion.
That's typically a face to face thing, not a long distance one.
It's perhaps more like a Harlequin romance, in it's potential to mythologize reality into something it really isn't. | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:03:20 PM | i was in a long distance relationship for 2 years, i truly loved her...beyond what feeble words i could utilize my vast intellect to muster for this message. It was not lust.
i speak for myself...but i represent more than one... | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:41:45 PM | | Well for my part in about 1 year had 2 long distance relationships the 1st was love lasted long enough to realize was not meant to be we had it great .This current relationship is i hope blossoming into a wunderful relationship for the most part i believe men and women will take upon themselfes the knowledge that distance makes easier to run so it does factor in get a pc , and go sorta speak so far i've been blesssed with the better of long dis' relations . | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:56:29 PM | I'll message people who are "long distance", but it's usually just to chat, or comment about a post they've maid. I have a couple "pen pals" here now, and I think that's neat. But, long distance relationships aren't for me.
But hey - like all ways of finding love - sometimes it works for other people. | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:26:53 PM | I met someone online 11 years ago from the other side of the world. Due to outside influences we didnt meet. I have always thought about him over the years and very recently caught up with him online again, funnily enough on POF. He still lives the other side of the world but the feelings I have for him are so so strong and there is no way in this world Im letting it go this time.
Im planning on travelling to see him (IM a nomad, I dont mind moving/travelling) and I can tell you whilst there is a lust factor there is also a very deep love factor.
I hope that this works as the connection we have is amazing | |
|
| |
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/28/2008 11:35:45 PM | LDR's have the potential of working, but require a magnificent amount of trust and patience. i also think that you need to set a sort of timeline as to when you think things may be able to progress. After all, why would you want to stay far apart forever?
Are they lust? Uh-that is a stupid question IMO. Why would it be lust? If you're "lusting" someone, wouldn't you want them nearby, so you could go bang one out? LOL | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/29/2008 6:10:30 AM |
She's talking about guys VERY far away (other countries or the opposite side of this one).
As I am one of those people living in a country very far away from those who I've shown interest, I have researched the whole LDR bit. The posters who have communicated LDRs take more patience, trust and work than the average relationship are on point with what I've read on the subject.
Although initially difficult, LDRs create a foundation based on those things I mentioned that transfers to the physical relationship when it occurs. It is suggested the couple determines how long the long-distance part of their relationship is to be expected but knowing that and other things going in, LDRs can prove rewarding. Also, I find an LDR eliminates the lust happening in traditional relationships, therefore, I would think that it most definitely isn't about lust. As mentioned by another, those who are lusting find an object of their lust to act out on it --- and toot sweet. Today, technology makes LDRs much easier when both parties are willing to put in the effort.
JMHO.  | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/29/2008 6:58:35 AM | Straight up:
Only a complete idiot would bother to get involved with a long distance romance.
Why drive hundreds of miles to get a loaf of bread when the store is just down the street
Because the guys that can be found down the street might have a mindset similar to yours, I guess. And who want that in their lives?
bigjohn2k8:
I never said long distance relationships never work or that what I described is always the case.
Let me refresh your memory then. You said (quote): "nope a long distance relationship (...) is generally (but not always) lack of self esteem and desperation." Sounds like a generalization. But that's probably just me.
bigjohn2k8:The ones I've personally had experience with either myself or others I've known generally have. It's just my opinion that they very rarely work out and therefore aren't worth the extra effort based on my own observation.
Well, but what your LDR's had in common was ... you. So maybe the problems that occured were rather based on you than on the long distance.
I just question why that great person can't be found nearby (unless you live in a very small town without much selection).
I have lived in large metropolitan cities as well as tiny ones (the one I am currently living in is a tiny one of 250,000 residents), and, no, that great person could not be found nearby. That's because I've always and only dated men that I've considered truly great. The Average Joe just isn't for me. And if it was so very easy to find someone great nearby - why are you, why are so many people using online dating platforms then? Shouldn't you, shouldn't all those people have found their special someone already if it was so easy?
On a different note: Many of the users discussing in this thread seem to confuse an LDR with a "penpal with phone sex". They seem to think that couples that are engaged in an LDR basically never physically spend time with each other, and I find that somewhat weird.
To me, an LDR has both parties living in different cities, maybe different countries, but nevertheless both are still spending a lot of quality time with each other. And that is basically what makes an LDR special: If you have to go at certain lengths to arrange for pening time with each other you are much more likely to keep a lot of the everyday crap away from your partner. The appreciation level is much, much higher, and that is a huge plus compared to a live-in situation.
And given that the average married couple only spends 20 minutes per day talking to each other (and most of that talk concerns financial problems or problems with the kids) couples in LDR's aren't off worse than the average couple. Quite the opposite because they usually are more appreciative of each other. | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:27:13 AM |
i get mail on here from seemingly decent guys , and cute too!
but..... a lot from guys that are in another country or at the other end of my country.
now i dont think that long distant rellys would work , though i never had one.
id think that if i fell head over heels it be a nightmare as i wouldnt want to be away from my lover.
Aside from punctuation and capitalization, I coulda wrote that myself... well, and swapped out the gender ;-).
Been there, done that. Not worth doing again, in my experience. A relationship is about being TOGETHER, not fantasizing about being together, or aligning vacations or getaways...
It's not fair to either person.
But no, I wouldn't say it's about lust. It's about 'suspending reality' for a bit, because someone a bit further out there makes your heart go pitter-pat... and who doesn't like that? But at the end of the day, rushed visits, frequent good byes, the longing that gets worse every time... it eventually dies, and it's not because of incompatibility, it's just about cold reality. And that's the worst think to have kill your relationship.
No, not worth it.
Cowboy | |
|
| is a long distance relationship just lust?
Posted: 4/29/2008 5:28:38 PM | | I pretty much think anything over about 35 miles is too far. Don't understand the mentality of getting "involved" with someone (if phoning and emailing is being involved) you can't see more than once a year, if that. Kind of absurd. | |
|
Home
login 
