| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/28/2008 10:49:13 PM | I'll try to be brief.
I had a relationship that lasted about a year and a half . It was my ex who ended it. I would have preferred to work things out, but I didn't try to make up because we had already broken up and gotten back together a couple of times and I'd had enough of the drama. I felt he wasn't making the effort to stay together, instead he'd get stressed, run away and then want to come back, so I just thought it was better to give up. I mean why stick with someone who keeps panicking and running off? I want a guy who wants me as much as I want him.
This ex just called me a couple of days ago to see how I am. Now this is after a year and a half of absolutely no contact. We had a pleasant convo. Both regretted the bad break, would have liked to have been more amicable...blah, blah, blah... He tells me that 5 or 6 months after we split, he met a woman and moved her into his apt. TWO WEEKS after he met her. At first it was wonderful (his words), but eventually they ended up having violent fights (she's a thrower and hitter - he's a ducker and a runner - his words) while drinking and doing hard drugs (he didn't do these drugs while with me). Eventually they split, but apparently at some point she pressured him (his words) into getting engaged. Anyways, he goes on and on about what a nightmare it was, but how he's pulling himself together and getting away from drama.
I know - it sounds like a total gong show. When we split I told him that his frat boy ways would catch up to him and he'd end up living a stupid gong show life.
He also went on about how he was really suprised that I never once contacted him and he tried to tell me that he had sent me an email a couple of months after our split, but I never replied. I didn't get any email. I don't believe he sent it and anyways I wouldn't have replied because I was sick of the go away, come back crap. He also went on and on about how he'd lost weight and was taking care of himself, buying a new car, etc... basically, trying to make himself appealing to me.
So why is it that I feel sad? Why do I feel betrayed by this guy for shacking up and getting engaged? He always freaked out about living with or marrying me, but then does it with the first person he meets after we split. WTF? Ouch!! I'll admit that I'd hoped that he would come back to me after getting his head straight, but his head is clearly still not straight and now I wished I didn't know he's been snuggling up to someone else all this time.
He wants to be friends now, but I think I am still too hurt to be around him. Plus they've only been split two months and I am not willing to be his soft place to land.
Why would a guy leave what could have been a healthy, normal relationship if he'd just tried a bit and then turn around and make a big commitment to a virtual stranger and have such an unhealthy relaionship instead? | |
|
| |
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/29/2008 1:16:18 AM | Trial, water sinks to the level of water... Why would he hook up with some violent, hard drugging drinking, twit, because it fit his comfort zone...
I had a FBW last year, it wasn't supposed to be that way, but I thought perhaps he'd come around... NOPE he didn't and then hooked up with some bimbo from the bar he hung out with...
6 months later he's talking to me telling me how extremely jealous of a person she is, and that she doesn't like to put out.. Funny that is the reason he ended his 16 yr marriage...
To this day I wondered why he couldn't be into someone that was self sufficient low drama, a good mum (the chick he hooked up with abandoned her kids three states away, which is a HUGE disgust to me) someone who would treat him kindly and didn't get jealous...
The truth is, it is HIS disfunction that draws him to disfunctional people...
WHY WE fall for such dim lite bulbs is the REAL question...
I will always have a soft spot for this guy, BUT after he finally gets done with bimbo land, he will NOT get to come back to me for a soft spot to land... I gave him that chance, and he chose something else...
It is up to you, but I would HOPE you are out looking for that guy who can love and appreciate you, and not be hot and cold... He sounds like a real weiner... | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/29/2008 4:51:54 AM | That whole convo would have convinved me that breaking it off with him was a smart move.
Analyze your sadness. Could it be your sad because someone you cared for has totally f'd up his life? Boy I hope your not a rescuer and are thinking of going back to him.
You need to put him in the past and keep him there. He's lonely and was sitting thinking, who can I call to make me feel better. He dumped on you with his poor me, poor me attitude. Dont let him do that again. | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/29/2008 5:00:09 AM | This ex just called me a couple of days ago to see how I am. Now this is after a year and a half of absolutely no contact
Wow. Talk about wanting to 'feel you out' and find out what's going in your life -whether or not you are with someone etc. He left you for dope dealing biatch?? You were on again and off again how many times??? I would NOT have even entertained the IDEA of talking with him after that long.
He wants to be friends now, but I think I am still too hurt to be around him. Plus they've only been split two months and I am not willing to be his soft place to land.
Talk about rebound!!!! He IS looking for a soft place to land with you, and I would definitely NOT open the door for him. He can keep on looking. One time I broke it off with my ex and took him back, he had the idea that I would just keep giving him "another chance". No way. Never again. My policy is when you walk out the door, don't let it hit you in the a$$ on the way out as it does NOT swing both ways. Once you walk out, don't even THINK about coming back. Too much drama for me.
So here you go, block the email, change your number and if he shows up on your doorstep, call the police and have him removed. Job done. | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/29/2008 5:07:17 AM | You should do like I did with my ex. After the divorce was final, I changed my phone number. I wouldn't go back to that situation for ANY reason. If you wouldn't go back to yours, then maybe you should do the same, change the number.
Some people you can remain friends with, some you can't. We have both found one that you can't, or at least shouldn't.
My $0.02 worth.
Dale
 | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/29/2008 5:07:33 AM | Why are you sad? Because someone you once cared about is f!cking up their life. Its even worse when its your children who get waylaid by duugs, bad rlationships, etc. (fortunately I haven't experienced that in person, but I have friends who have)
Be happy that this is an ex you're dealing with. You can walk away.
G | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/29/2008 6:58:06 AM | he's toying with you and you are obviously falling for it.
run and run fast
don't look back, it'll only cause you heartache. | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/29/2008 7:42:28 AM | Sounds like a dude looking to see if he can get willy wet again. Really, to me that sounds like someone who is looking for a fallback position and thinks he might be able to get into your panties again.
Given his last g/f I'm not surprised he's looking into his little black book to see who he can mooch off of before falling back onto his confort zone.
Go back to the no contact, otherwise, I'm not getting a positive end to this drama. | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:16:49 PM | We are emotional creatures. There can be (as in your case) a lot
of drama, pain and emotion involved in relationships and life.
Much of it is unresolved and not understood. Sometimes that's
the worst! So, sometimes it just takes a phone call, or some other
trigger, to open up all that hidden away emotion.
I personally, always try and take a step back, watch closely my
reactions to such emotional triggers, and in any small way possible,
try to understand them and their origins.
One very important point. Our emotions are often a chain of events.
Something that happens at childhood, imprints on our emotions. Then
another similar event later, re triggers that pain in addition to the new
event, and so on. If possible, that is why it is so valuable to remember
those original events, and thus cut that chain and free yourself! | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:37:09 PM | Trial Size, sounds like you got it right that he wants you to be his "his soft place to land". I hope that you will not let him come back into your life and use you like that.
Sounds like his ego is hurting with his last disastrous relationship. He needs to feel better. So, he's coming back to you with the " let's be friends" line after he hurt you so badly before.
Please don't feel sorry for him and please don' t let him manipulate you. It is natural to feel sad. This guy really hurt you and it sounds like you cared for him none the less.
It's utterly selfish of him to call you after all this time.
I think it's time for you to put the breaks on and let this guy know that it's over between you and you aren't there to pick him up and boost his ego after his failed relationships.
I hope you will tell him firmly not to call you again. I know it won't be easy, but you have to take care of yourself.
Believe me, regardless of how sad you think it will make you feel, telling him off would probably be VERY empowering to you.
More power to you! YOU CAN DO IT!
Soleil | |
|
| |
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:54:22 PM | Wow that sounds like something im going thru right now. With my own experience I can say that he really did and does love you, he was just afraid of getting hurt. Everything would probally be going fine and he would start some unessecary drama right? Nit picking any and everything that he could to prove to himself that you were only going to lead to disappointment later on and end up hurting him. Something happened to that guy before you that you paid the price for...I pretty much guarantee it. He hooked up with her to replace you, you never left his mind. I am currently in your previous situation and right now she only stays gone for 3-4 days ...then she will call and we will hook up again. Ive been doing this for almost 4 years! I know im stupid for putting up with it and totally deserve way better than that. I guess we are our own worst enemy and I should heed my own advice but I have still got a lot of love for her. I have started dating other people but I always find myself comparing them to her and that makes it kinda rough. All I know is its gonna take one helluva woman to get me to cut her out completely and deep down I honestly cant wait to meet her. Anyway...dont play with your heart girl, its hard to change somebody. Believe me I know. Keep fishing! ---MATT | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:56:59 PM | | i'm going through the same thing. a potiential friend whom I love with all my heart married another woman 3yrs ago. This is wife #2, and he calls me for the boo hoo poor me, no one understands me, phone calls, and I would take them. Until last friday, I just got fed up. See, I am a rescuer person, his life is so damaged from his past that I thought if I just proved to him how much I love him, if he could just open his eyes he will see, he'll come to my door and all will be well. Well, last friday, although he is still married to this woman, he calls to tell me about another woman whom he feels he could "tear down his wall for", but for me, for the one who has loved him over 5yrs, he keeps his wall up and will not talk to me. Finally I had HAD it..I told him it doesnt matter what I do or what I say, YOU WILL NEVER LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVE YOU, THE WAY I OUGHT TO BE LOVED. I told him there will always be an abby, or a mary or a tonya or anyone else u will "just feel like u can open up to", but me? the one woman who HE CALLS every other night instead of his wife whom he SHOULD call..me, he dumps on. I have cried everynight, even as i type this out cuz I LOVE this man with all my heart. Maybe its cause he's scared...I cant go into making excuses for him. He chose who he chose, all i know is HE WILL NEVER CHOSE ME..and my grandma used to have a saying REJECTION IS A SIGN OF PROTECTION..maybe GOD is telling me he didnt choose me for a GOOD reason. I will continue praying for him, but I have decided to end my tears and try to find my smile again. | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/30/2008 5:46:12 AM | Dear Tina, I am going through the same as you are at this moment. I know how much it hurts, it feels like it`s killing me slowly inside. You did write one phrase which I keep reminding myself; your grandma`s phrase REJECTION IS A SIGN OF PROTECTION....I believe in this and reading it last night helped me fall asleep. I think God was and is, and trying over and over to tell me, the man I love didn`t choose me. God has tried to show me in so many ways, but I kept on trying to make things work between us. I feel like I can never give up on my relationship, because I never loved so strongly. Tina, I want to thank you for sharing your grandma`s phrase, it helped me. Let me know if you would like to talk about your pain. I feel we are going through very similar emotions at this time.
 Pat | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/30/2008 6:14:26 AM | you need more healing time before you could even consider being friends with this guy.
I think maybe he called you after all this time..cause he needs a little bit of stability in his life, he knew he had that with you before and needs some now. I would be very cautious about this.
Best Wishes to you and remember...try to think with your head.and not your heart...he is an "EX" for a reason!! | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/30/2008 3:11:28 PM | Perhaps you feel sad because he hurt you and has appeared again. Also, you had wanted it to work out, but he messed up, so it's not surprising that you are reminded of the strong emotions.
He doesn't sound like he's got great strength of character or moral fibre. He blames others for everything that goes wrong (as he sees it), then runs. As soon as a woman expects him to be an adult, he runs and then blames them. He's not going to do you any good and may well try to manipulate you, but it sounds like you already know all that. | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/30/2008 3:28:05 PM | TS, a lot of good advice has already been posted, but I wanted to highlight something that Nexthyme said:
The truth is, it is HIS disfunction that draws him to disfunctional people...
WHY WE fall for such dim lite bulbs is the REAL question...
You feel sad, yes, and it could be for any number of reasons (you're sad you two didnt' work out, you're sad he's totally f'ing up his life, you're sad that... [fill in the blank]). It's possible, too, that you're just now allowing yourself to feel the deep grief and sadness that you may have not allowed yourself to feel right after the relationship ended. But, no matter, you can be sad and still make good decisions to not eff up your own life by doing something really really stupid (like, taking him back; or, like being his bosom buddy right now).
You two are over -- and probably for some very good reasons even beyond what you described in your OP. Don't let him now use you for the emotional support he may crave just because he created a disaster in his own life. I'm sure he has other people in his life who he can call on for true moral support (or if he does not, he should go work on getting some platonic friendships with men and women, or develop his family support system if he has extended family). Because you have history together, some of it pretty rocky and dysfunctional from the sound of it, you can't possibly be a friend to him without hurting either yourself or him (or hampering his dose or reality and the lessons he needs to learn), or both of you. I'd strongly encourage you to wish him all the best and request no further contact with him.
Good luck. | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 4/30/2008 9:51:21 PM | Hey thanks for the responses all. You're all absolutly right. Feeling just fine today.
Not to worry, I have no need to replay a losing situation.
It's sad how some are their own worst enemies, but at the end of the day, it's just not my problem! | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:20:40 AM | Maybe you're feeling sad for what was lost including the possibilities that come with it. He is a different man these days based on what you've said. Drugs? Violent fights? Being pressured by a woman to get engaged? He sounds like a mess!
The girl he met is what I call 'sloppy seconds'. It sure sounds like it....sloppy.
His choices and behaviors with this virtual stranger and the resulting unhealthy relationship is a reflection of someone you don't really know anymore.
Don't be wasting any of your pretty brain cells even trying to understand it. I'd be steering way clear of him. He's damaged goods. Do you really want to be the 'fixer'? He's needy right now and will take you for what you're worth. Operative word here is take...not receive. There's a big difference. Be careful and guard your heart well. | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 5/1/2008 1:33:44 AM | Nexthyme.....made a good point by saying "The truth is, it is HIS disfunction that draws him to disfunctional people..." OMG....she hit the nail on the head here. Come on....water seeks its own level........its a pattern....always will be. Some people are addicted to chaos, or want to feel wanted or needed, come on! It fills a need of excitement that they are not getting in their real lives. I say....kick him to the curb, find someone who can love , care about, respect you and accept you, just the way you are. Someone who doesnt judge you. WTF?
Sorry just my two cents here. LOL wink! ;) | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 5/24/2008 6:56:37 PM | It's so totally normal to feel sad as you do.. Regardless of the time past, you had deep and abiding feelings for him, and though time heals, it's doesn't make those feelings disappear.. the pain less yes..
My ex got married the day after our divorce was final.. had this g/f a week after I left him, while still claining to love me.. blah blah.. and yes, I STILL felt betrayed! I left him, and I felt betrayed.. there is no rule book on human emotion.. damn it..lol However, imo, I think you are better off without him. The drama will follow him everywhere, regardless of the "change" he makes outwardly, because the problem is within..
Your last question "Why would a guy leave what could have been a healthy, normal relationship if he'd just tried a bit and then turn around and make a big commitment to a virtual stranger and have such an unhealthy relaionship instead?"
Becasue Something is better than nothing...and trying isn't in his make up. I could go into a long discourse on that.. but won't.. ask yourself this.. Would you want to be the person having that unhealthy relationship with him now? Because if you let him back in, you will be...
fg | |
|
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:10:20 PM | ....it's funny ( not in a comical way)..that sooner or later they call back...(I've see it happen to many people I know)....perhaps it is a case on his part ...."you don't know what you had until it's gone"....
listen...you're much stronger now than when the breakup first happened...just remember all the heartache and emotional tiredness you went thru, I know you've learned that you don't want it again..
I think like you, I like to question the "whys"..but please don't beat yourself up trying to answer...because really you'll never get one....
be strong my sister!......you don't need him as a friend....you've been living without him for a 1 1/2 and you're surviving....you don't need him to bring you down!.....
he lost...not you..
take care | |
|
| |
| The ex called and I am sooo sad....
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:24:52 PM |
So why is it that I feel sad? Why do I feel betrayed by this guy for shacking up and getting engaged?
I think there's two things that you are feeling bad about. One is the fact that this guy did something with someone else that he wouldn't do with you (living together, and getting engaged). Down inside you probably feel like he felt SHE was worth it, but you weren't, and that feels like betrayal. I went through a lot of similar feelings with an ex.
I think the second reason you feel bad is because he's treating you as a backup. He leaves you, finds someone else, then decides he'll get back in touch after she's gone.
In my opinion, you need to go back to no contact. If he calls, tell him you don't want to talk. You don't even have to give him a reason - he has no right to receive a reason. Or don't even answer. You need to work on YOUR healing. He's feeling lonely, so he's going back to someone who feels familiar, and that's you. And you are NOT obligated to be his friend. | |
|
Home
login 
put it down to experiance 
and move on 
xx