| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 3:57:17 AM | Looking at people's profiles, I've noticed that a large percentage state that they want to have kids. However, there are some people (yes, I am one of them) who are unable to get pregnant or father any more children. (In my case, I'm unable to do either.)
For those of you who would like to have kids someday, is this a deal breaker, or something you'd be willing to look past if the person were otherwise a great fit for you? If they already have kids from a previous relationship, does this affect your answer either way?
Carrying this further, if it is a deal-breaker, what if you were already in a long-term relationship with somebody when you both found out that they were unable to have kids? (I know adoption's the easy answer here, so let's pretend it's not an option.) Would you choose to leave this person, or sacrifice your dreams of having children? | |
|
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 4:04:56 AM | This may not apply to me, because I don't want to have more children...but if I was young and still hadn't had my kids, it likely would be a deal breaker. Even growing up I knew I'd have kids, it was just part of who I was. I love kids and I've loved raising my own. However, I do NOT want to start back at square one now that my kids are older and besides that, I was advised after my last child not to have anymore by my doctor.
I'm seeing profiles of men in their mid 40's that say they want to have kids. I just pass right over them, because for me, that ship has sailed.
Your best bet to keep this from becoming a problem is to search for someone who doesn't want any or any more children. | |
|
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 4:07:24 AM | Hiya Malibu Steve,
Well, I think I would have to be in that position. I would want to know upfront if the situation was ongoing before he met me. I do want children for the most part but my life will be far from incomplete without them. However, if a man is unable to have children limiting my choice on the matter, I would like to think if we were a good fit otherwise, it wouldn't be a dealbreaker.
If we were already together and planning a life and he learned his little swimmers were dead, I would also like to think I would stay with him and explore other options like invitro fertilization by one of his male relatives, so the baby would look like both him and myself.
I prefer not to date men with children that is most usually a dealbreaker for me, therefore, I wouldn't have to factor that in.
Good question, MS. 
Edited for clarification.
Edited to Add:
Hi Beachy,
I think he can search for women who are 'Undecided/Open' many of them are exactly that. I think in those cases, as I am one, some of those women are totally open to the idea of NOT having kids, JMHO, especially, if the guy is an otherwise perfect fit. | |
|
| |
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 4:14:40 AM | well In the past that could of been an issue, but with technololgy and adoption that shouldnt be one in a perfect world. I was with a woman who couldnt have kids and it didnt affect me, actually it affected her more than me. With the options available today there should be nul persperation,
BUT
to some that could be a downfall, or a deal breaker as you say. but for every one that thinks its a hinderance there is one that knows it could be sidesteped | |
|
| |
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 4:21:53 AM |
Your best bet to keep this from becoming a problem is to search for someone who doesn't want any or any more children.
I didn't mean to imply that I thought this was a problem. I wasn't asking because of any particular issue I'm facing, but instead because I thought it was an interesting question.
If there's a woman I'm interested in, and this (or the fact that I have kids) is an issue, then it's clear that it's just not meant to be. I'm not worried about it.  | |
|
| |
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 6:53:41 AM | | I am recently divorced because of this issue. We dated for three years before he proposed.. of course knowing all along that I was done having babies. After 10 months of being married, he decided that he HAD to have biological children. My take on it now: GOOD RIDDANCE. | |
|
| |
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 6:56:10 AM | | This is a deal breaker for me. I'm only 28 and want to have more kids (I have one). If I were with someone for a long time and he suddenly couldn't have kids (or didn't know and we found out that he couldn't) then I wouldn't leave him or anything..but I wouldn't get involved with a guy who already knew that he couldn't. I was in this situation last summer and I didn't go on date two. | |
|
| |
| |
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 7:12:44 AM | i am "undecided" about children, so it doesn't really matter to me.
at this point in my life, i don't see myself having them; partly due to the fact that i'm pretty settled in my life and happy w/o them, and partly due to the age factor. i wouldn't want to raise a child alone (although i could if necessary); the prospects of marriage partners are pretty slim, and if i wait much longer, it will be too late.
i would accept a partner w/children, or if he felt strongly enough about having children, i would be open--either biological or adoption.
i've always wanted to foster parent, as well.
there are plenty of options, imo....
sometimes i wonder about being "passed over" b/c i feel so ambivalent towards having children. i'm pretty upfront, and generally say that i don't plan to have children. that's about as honest as i can be right now. | |
|
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 7:34:18 AM | I had my children young and had a tubal ligation at the age of 21, shortly before their father and I got divorced. And even
though I was young at the time and was told repeatedly that I'd regret it one day, I never did.
I was single for 5 years before I met my second husband, and during that time I met and dated many men who wanted children.
But I was always honest and up front with them right from the start so there was no deception on my part. I eventually met a guy who didn't have children of his own but who accepted mine as his and still considers them his children to this day.
Now in his late forties, he still maintains that he has no regrets - he claims that he got the best of both world. He got to experience the joys ( and sorrows) of raising children and he witnessed the birth of "our" granddaughter without having to "spread" his "evil" genes around (his words I swear)...lol!
Seriously though... I believe that we as humans will always question our choices. I know there are many days that I have questioned mine...having children (or not) is one of those things that no matter what, you will always wonder how the alternative would have been.
Well at least that's how it's been for me. Not to say that I regret or wish I didn't have my children...just that I sometimes "wonder" how my life would have been "without" - just as I'm sure people without children must sometimes wonder how their lives would have been "with" - ahh...human nature at it's best...lol!
Anyway (and in my opinion) I believe that it's something you should bring up early and let the chips fall where they may - either
that person is the right for you one or she isn't. There's no right and wrong - just what's right for us and to each their own.
Good luck to you:)
JMHO | |
|
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:10:55 AM | Well....I still would like to have more children, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker with me. If I was in a LTR with someone and then found out there would be no children (no adoption, no in vitro, no whatever) and they hadn't told me before that and they KNEW they couldn't have kids....then yeah I would probably leave. Why? Because I would have already expressed the desire for more children and if they hid it from me on purpose, then THAT Is what I would have an issue with.
I know with Welder, he has two kids from a previous relationship. When we first got together he said he wanted to wait 4-5 years before having anymore children...which was fine by me. Then, well, we got our little surprise a bit earlier than that. ;) But before we even knew I was pregnant (didn't find out until I was 20 weeks and she came at 29 weeks) he had told me one time that he just didn't want anymore kids. His reasoning was that he couldn't see the two he had and he didn't want to go through the same drama again. I understood that, but then again I felt like it was something about ME. I guess I wondered 'he gave her two kids, why wouldn't he be willing to give ME one?'. So, in a sense him having kids already affected the way I felt.
But that's more on the lines of someone choosing not to have more children...not actually being able NOT to have anymore.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
|
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:18:23 AM | Are you kidding me? I'm thrilled when I meet a guy I like and find out he can't have kids...it's like Christmas.
He's better off that way, so I don't have to go thru the trouble of having him neutered....
However, I assume the answers will vary greatly depending on the women posting. | |
|
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:29:46 AM | I automatically do not involve myself with someone that wants to have children. It is an unfair decision to ask someone to make. Many of them immediately go to there are other options ... well ... I can have children ... I just don't want to have a child graduating HS when I'm 69 and I selfishly want to be single and enjoy my retirement. Yes, a personal choice. I also stray away from men who have never had kids and say they are open and undecided -- just doesn't feel right to me.
Yes, there are options -- but -- there are also plenty of fish in the sea -- a lot of women can't have anymore children -- they learn to face the facts of who they are and what they are reasonably capable of bringing into the relationship. Some women can can children but know based on where they're at in life really don't want to have children -- generally -- these women remove themselves from the men seeking children.
Men that fall into your catagory -- have to be honest and upfront at the onset of the relationship -- not a few dates into it -- she likes me now let me sneak this little tid bit in. As long as your cards are on the table then anyone proceeding in the relationship has the options you've decussed and is fine. Honesty at the beginning not the sucker punch tactic will answer your question in time. | |
|
| |
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 8:45:32 AM | | It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me as long as he wanted children and was willing to look into alternative methods to procreate including adoption. If he does not want children at all, then yeah, I'd have to pass. Family is just too important for me and I want to have a family someday. | |
|
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 11:24:30 AM | i guess it depends how good the relationship, how happy i am, wut kind of guy he is... I do want 2 have kids someday and dont have ne alrdy... i want 2 have at least 1 biological child b4 i end up finding a guy who cant have ne more kids or cant at all, if i get that kind of guy to begin with. Since i want kids and want 2 have the feeling and knowing i gave my guy his 1st kid, so i avoid guys who dont want kids or undecided or alrdy have kids...
everyone has there own preference when it comes to kids thing. | |
|
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 12:00:55 PM | Nope.
Don't get me wrong... I like kids (and being a teacher I guess that's a requirement!) but it's not a vital factor, even at my age of 35.
Perhaps there would be a pang of regret if I fell deeply in love with the woman, because having kids is one of the purest forms of love (in theory of course LOL!... I do know that the reality is far, FAR different!)
But I'd get over it and heck, we can adopt if need be right?
Seems to be the "in thing" with a lot of celebs these days.  | |
|
| |
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 4/29/2008 2:11:55 PM | Wow, that's a hard question to answer.
I first found out I would have trouble having children in college women's clinic. I'm a DES baby. That's a drug preganant women were prescribed "to make healthy babies" that affected the unborn children's reproductive system severely. Put a guilt trip on those moms forever. Thank you LILY pharmaceutical.
I found out I couldn't become pregnant after I was married. Then it was a little late for hubby to bale out gracefully.
I would say that we were commited to one another and overcame the disappointmant of a future without our own offspring. But I know it also made that future very different than that of every other couple around us, alienating.
Yes we did eventually adopt after trying every medical treatment available. It was not THE magic solution either.
Yes it affected our life together, how could it not, and played some part in our marriage separation, even if just through repercussions.
I think the question is a legitimate one, an important one to answer before commiting. | |
|
| Would you stop dating somebody if they were unable to have kids?
Posted: 5/3/2008 4:01:46 PM | | I think it would depend on her attitude towards it... I definitely want kids, but if I were to find the woman that seems absolutely perfect to the point of wanting marriage, etc... and she were unable to conceive, although I'd prefer to be a biological father I think adopting would still be a good option as an alternative. But if it's a "if it's not biologically our kid, I don't want it" situation, that may end up turning into a dealbreaker... | |
|
Home
login 
