| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 6:18:19 AM | | I met someone from this site two weeks ago, and we have seen each other a total of three times since then. I thought it was going well. This weekend I came down with a horrible chest cold and was feeling (and looking!) quite lousy by Monday. This guy called me up and we were chatting on the phone. I was looking out the window, and to my dismay, I saw him pull up in front of my house! I was really put off by his just showing up, seeing how I looked and felt, being ill. I had plans of eating something and crawling back into bed before I had to get ready for work, definitely no plans of seeing anyone in the state I was in. I told him that I did not like people just dropping in, and he kept telling me "Come on, you like it." This really annoyed me, and even though I was going to make the best of him being there, (I even offered him lunch!) I could not hide my displeasure. Eventually he gave me an ultimatum, and asked if I wanted him to leave. I originally said that he was already there, it didn't matter, but he told me that answer wasn't good enough for him. So, I change my answer to yes, and asked him to please leave. I guess the thing that really bugged me, apart from him showing up unannounced, was that he refused to listen to me when I told him that I did not like people dropping in, telling me that I really liked it. "That's too bad," he also said, "You're dating someone who likes to drop by." Then, when he gave me the ultimatum I really felt like I had to assert myself, and did. He said he had just come by to give me a hug, but it felt more like an intrusion...even my best friends at least call me before they stop by, and this guy was far from being a best friend. (I barely know him!) I personally like having the option of whether or not I would like to have a visitor. I am just wondering how others feel about drop ins? Was I way out of line? | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 6:38:46 AM | | Welcome to "Dating 101". The both of you are still figuring out boundaries of behavior. If it didn't register to him that he should have left after you said you don't like people dropping in, then this is not the guy for you. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 6:44:02 AM | Sounds controlling to me. While I had him on the phone I would have told him to kindly leave and call me later as I was going back to bed, and then I would NOT have answered the door. I realize he took you by surprise but, I'm glad you finally did take control of the situation.
Having a SO that likes to "just drop by" may be fine after the relationship is established, but at this point there is NO relationship. Things like that need to be discussed. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 6:51:15 AM | Actually, after he kept telling me I liked it, I actually did say that the next time it happened, I would not be answering the door. I agree with what you said about dropping in after there is an established relationship, but I don't think there was that level of comfort with us yet.
Thanks for the replies. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 6:56:20 AM |  DUMP HIM NOW!!!
It is clear to see that he has his own agenda, rules, and definite LACK of manners! If he doesn't listen to what is coming out of your mouth NOW - What will he be like later on in the relationship? ps: does it not strike you as funny that he knew you were home and called you there instead of assuming you were at work (Monday)??? Is this a form of stalking? AND - did he not believe you when you said you are too sick to have company? Had to see for himself? Think about it! | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:02:13 AM | Unless he and I were in an exclusive relationship, he better not be showing up at my door unannounced! And, being sick to boot, I would not have even answered the door! I would not care who he is, if I'm sick, I need my rest and do not need acquaintances showing up at my door! Not only that, he did not listen to your words about not liking people dropping in.
You were not out of line at all, OP. You have only known this man a few weeks and seen each other three times! It sounds to me like he does not respect your space and time. Any decent man would have given a phone call before pulling up in front of your house.
I would actually question whether this was a man who I would consider dating at all. Sounds like maybe he wants to jump right in to a relationship. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:04:26 AM | | Dropping by unannounced is definitely a no no,but why'd you let him in if you were that sick? You barely know him and you offered him lunch? Hmmmm? It seem like this situation is out of control and the only one can put a stop to it is you. I think most women would be pissed and told him him where to go! You putting up with his behavior is just going to keep him doing the what he's doing! Ding,ding,ding,wake up lady and get a backbone!!! | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:21:16 AM | | Sorry, Thomas...but I have more backbone than most people I know. Did I not say in my post that I DID assert myself? I am quite sure that I put a stop to it. Also, I offered him lunch because I was in the middle of making my own...I thought I also said that until he pushed me to it, I was trying to make the best of having him there? I am not the type of person to fly off the handle, and actually did try to be nice until he pushed me. Thanks for the concern, but out of control is not how I would describe the situation...in fact, I think I controlled it quite well. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:25:50 AM | | I hope you didn't get upset me but all i'm saying if you barely know him and you don't like anyone just dropping by unannoucned, why make lunch for him and have his ego get bigger than it is? I think you're a sweet woman and deserves a guy that's gonna respect you so be careful with guys that just "drop in" . It's totally direspect! | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:29:20 AM |
I am just wondering how others feel about drop ins? Was I way out of line?
You are not out of line. I don't like drop ins either.
You want a guy who listens to what you are saying. This guy is not right for you. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:46:40 AM | I'm definitely not a "drop in" fan and find it a huge intrusion on my privacy. I even expect my grown children to call
before "dropping in" for a visit.
And I would never dream of showing up somewhere unannounced, much less someone I barely know. I certainly don't
think you were out of line for feeling the way you did.
There are very few rules I'm rigid about but this is one of them and the older I get, the less I'm able to hide my displeasure
when someone decides to pay me an unexpected visit. Ugh.
I admit I may have "issues" (ya think?) but I'm someone who even considers a ringing phone to be an intrusion - an unexpected knock at the door is more like a total invasion ( to me) and a complete no no in my book.
My home is my heaven and I'm very protective (territorial?) of it. Being a loner, it's where I like to hide from the rest of the world...sometimes for days, even weeks at a time. So I don't appreciate someone just dropping in, no matter who they are.
To each their own (issues) I guess. 
JMO
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:49:52 AM | | The first question is why did he know where you lived after 3 dates. That is not very smart to do. You should not tell someone where you live its not safe. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:56:35 AM | | i feel the same way, about people showing up at my home, unannounced, i would not date some one who did that, i think it is rude, , some people may like it but i sure dont | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:13:18 AM | | I am like you, OldSoul...my home is my sanctuary as well, and I felt invaded when he dropped by. And to the other lady who replied: Many people know where I live, but they respect my privacy, they don't drop by on a whim. ncdamsel....I think it is rude as well. I also would not date anyone who didn't respect me enough to accept that I don't like it. This guy will NOT be getting another date out of me. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:20:06 AM | Someone coming by your home unannounced is 100% rude and stalker-like. Had you said no to anything else would this weirdo get the picture and stop whatever he was doing. I work from home and on occasion have had clients drop by. Mind you, I have children and a life outside of my work. I have gotten to the point where I don't let anyone know where I live...it helps me to avoid unnecessary drama and random drive-bys and drop-ins. You were definitely not out of line. He was intruding on your personal time and your privacy. Some people just don't get it. Perhaps you should keep your address private and meet people elsewhere to avoid this kind of mess happening again, until the relationship gets serious. Or next time, don't answer the door...even if he knows you're home. He will feel like an ass for standing outside knocking for no reason.  | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:36:41 AM | out of line??
abso-freaking-lutely NO WAY.
it *is* an invasion. especially when you're ill.
anyone w/a healthy sense of tact and boundaries would have asked outright if you were up to having company, and not pressed the issue when it became clear that you were not comfortable w/it.
he sounds pushy and demanding.
re: making him lunch
i can understand why you would feel obligated; in your shoes, i would have probably done the same thing.
i'm a hospitable, easygoing person by nature; i'd have a hard time turning him away once he was there. but i *would* feel resentful about it--even though i'd really have no right to. it's my choice to stand by my convictions and reinforce my boundaries--not anyone else's.
i think that was a big boo-boo on your part; part of asserting ourselves is recognizing that his invasion is immediate grounds for you to draw the line and say: "you're done. over and out.", and to NOT worry about feeling like a biotch for being clear about your boundaries. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 12:40:30 PM | | seei dont care when people drop in im used to it. iv always lived in a laid back life style were friends would just drop in. but hey everyones different. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 12:51:02 PM | I cant believe that you let him know where you live if you have only seen him three times. Thats absolute stupidity as far as I can see, no women should let a guy they have met three times know where you live. What about your children? (If you have any) Never let anyone know where you live for quite some time, at least thats what Id say. Cant be too careful out there!
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 12:52:54 PM | | Showing up unannounced is just wrong. I hate when people do that, irregardless of who. I need a sign for my neighbor's girlfriend in my front yard saying: "There is NO openhouse here today- GO AWAY!" Love, Titus | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:10:06 PM |
I admit I may have "issues" (ya think?) but I'm someone who even considers a ringing phone to be an intrusion - an unexpected knock at the door is more like a total invasion ( to me) and a complete no no in my book.
My home is my heaven and I'm very protective (territorial?) of it. I totally agree with Old Soul. I hate interruptions, unexpected visitors - or visitors at all beyond the few people closest to me - and they have to give notice.
I do share my sanctuary, but our home is our castle, our bubble, our oasis in which to simply be away from the noise, bustle and chaos of real life. Could only be sharing this with someone very special - to the extent that I never thought it'd happen.
By the time a person knows me well enough to visit at all, I'd really hope they'd know me well enough to not turn up unexpectedly. I can be spontaneous -ish but I really dislike being forced to be spontaneous in reaction to someone else's spontaneity. I do recognise that other people don't get this, but that's what time spent getting to know a person is for - discovering all their little foibles. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:15:45 PM | Welcome to "Dating 101". The both of you are still figuring out boundaries of behavior. If it didn't register to him that he should have left after you said you don't like people dropping in, then this is not the guy for you.
OH PULEEZE,,, if it didnt register in this jerks head that just dropping by unannounced is a definate boundary breaker, chances are he isnt intelligent enough and mature enough for a relationship. this kinda $hit isnt cute, its intrusive and rude. I dont even like my family dropping by uannnonced. for one, i might not be home, wasted trip, i could be studying or asleep, again, wasted trip, i might just not want to have company, NOW WE GOT A WASTED TRIP THAT JUST PISSED ME OFF.
if someone is gonna just "drop by without calling first" it better be to tell me in person that someone has died. thats not the kinda news you deliver over the phone. that or its the florist delivering a bouquet.
this guy pulled this crap after only 2 weeks and three dates,,, this guy's behavior and resulting comments have stalker, dependancy issues, and total lack of respect for anothers space, WRITTEN ALL OVER HIM! | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:37:14 PM | | You were a lot nicer than I would have been. Hope you don't see him again. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:47:20 PM | OP not even my Mom drops in unannounced or uninvited. I had a male friend who used to drop by without calling first. You would have though sitting in a park for 2 to 3 hours waiting for me to come home a few times would have been a deterent but he turned out to be a slow learner. He does not do that any more. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:47:48 PM | Poor chick, I met someone and got close over a short duration too, my health too a turn for the worse, and i lost my car also, and in the mean time she had an off spell, now we hardly talk and ive lost interest a bit, its unfortunate, but i think theres nothing worse than loosing that initial flame, it ruins a newly developing relationship.
I feel terrible now, as it looks like i was a casual date and have used her, thats not true, there were unforseen cercumstances and we drifted, but i still feel guilty. | |
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| Dropping in?
Posted: 4/30/2008 2:20:33 PM | You have every right to refuse opening your door to anyone unexpected. He was completely rude and ill mannered. Even if you were committed to the guy, I doubt you would appreciate an unannounced drop in. There is the telephone, there is the e-mail. There is absolutely no reason for dropping in without giving prior notice.
This has been my policy since I read from Ann Landers that it is acceptable.
If you are not expected, you are not welcomed!
I used to have friends dropping by at all hours. Nevermind that they were female. But they would come in their evening gowns and I would open my door, in my pajamas. Just so we could chat and hang out. They said they felt very comfortable with me. Too bad I did not always want to go out with them. I put a stop to it! I told them frankly that I have never appreciated being surprised with a visit. I never like surprises, that's all!
But I had my share of out of town visitors too, who did not even tell us ahead of time that they were coming and staying with us! Friends of my hubbby. I used to get so furious while trying to maintain my social graces. Until I decided to nip it at the bud! | |
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