| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:42:04 AM | I have a good friend whose daughter that is out of control and has been since she was 7.. She's now 14 as of a few days ago.. My friend is disabled and has trouble walking, so there is some physical limitations.. Her daughter has always been a big girl and uses that to her advantage and always has... One the other hand, my friend also had a revolving door of men, 2 particular relationships were very abusive, verbally mostly and sometimes physical towards my friend then stayed for a long periord of time with these 2 men.. Due to her relationships and physical limitations my friend tended to let her daughter do whatever she wanted.. She was allowed to sleepover where ever without my friend knowing the parents or where the friend lived, she had too much freedom, she started sneaking out, smoking, drinking, doing drugs and having sex around 11is-12ish yrs old, there was no conquences for anything.. The daughter recently stoled 200 bucks from her Mom, she disappears for days, she brings home drunk kids, lies, steals, smokes pot in her room and there is a rumour she is on the street selling herself (my friend is in deep denial.).. I tell my friend CALL THE COPS, but she refuses too..
Here is issue, the daughters birthday was a few days ago, she was suppose to get nothing from her mom because of the 200 she stole.. There was a big fight and the daughter left.. A few hours later the daughter comes home and sits down with her Mom and starts crying.. She tells her mom that her mom's last BF fingered her one time when she was 9 (they met was she was 8 and broke up was she was 11) and is a long time friend of mine.. The daughter said it was just a 1 time thing and never happened again.. Her mom felt so bad and gave her 100 dollars.. I talked to the daughter the next day to wish her a Happy Bday and she seemed fine and was ready to go out with her friends..
Now the my friend wants to charge him, which if he did do it I agree he should go to jail.. He was a drunk and verbally abusive towards my friend.. He was the jelous type and drinking didn't help him.. But I am having a hard time with what my friends daughter said, I think she wanted money and knew her mom so well that she played her.. If she can even charged him now, and it's not true then the daughter is a very good liar and it can ruin his life.. My friend won't even consider the possibilty of her daughter playing her.. With the daughters history it's a possibility shes lying.. And if hes accused of that and its not true thats a big deal, I think.. The daughter probably didn't think her mom would do anything like she usually does..
Like I said if he did do it I agree he should go to jail.. What do you think, does this sound fishy too you??? | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:48:41 AM | The police and social workers will sort the daughter out.
Since she is old enough filing a false report will land her in hot water.
Your friend is a wimp and needs to get a back bone to deal with her child. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:57:27 AM | I agree, we used to be close but it's frustrating too see and hear.. I tried to help, give my opinion, I called Child Protective services and even the cops but nothing can be done if she refuses the help or even admit the fact she needs help!!
I have the same disability and I know where my kids are.. My oldest is almost 13 and he doesn't act like that.. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:59:55 AM | | wash your hands of the mess........ you dont need it | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:14:43 AM | I say dump the friend after you call DHR to come get the child out of that mess and try to salvage anything if they can.
Good luck! | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:24:10 AM | | Dump the friend and stay out of it...sounds like the kid is trouble and your friend is a nad parent. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:28:57 AM | well first of all if I were the mom I would get down to the bottom of everything.
First of all if she want's to know weather the daughter was telling the truth about the ex bf, she needs to sit her down and tell her that they are going to press charges but if it isnt true in the end then the daughter can go to jail for makeing a false statment. If she says no she doesnt want to press charges then my feeling would be that I got lied to and played, and if she agrees knowing that she could go to jail for false statment, then I would really consider that it happened.
second of all I think I would be getting my daughter into a few programs to help her work out her problems with anger and with other things she is feeling, I would set her up with teen programs, set her up with profesional's.
third of all if she is stelling from her mother I am sure she is steeling from other places as well, and I am sure there is much more. She is into drugs and so forth, I am sorry but I would be calling the cops on her, yes no one wants to call the cops on their own children but I think that would be the best thing for this young girl. This girl needs help now or she is just going to continue to go down the wrong road and things will get worse rather then get better. And she will keep doing it until there is no getting out of it.
I am sorry I understand that this woman has a disablility and I understand you have it as well so please dont take this the wrong way, but she is useing her disablility as an excuse to not be a mother in my eyes. I dont care how sick you are or what your situation is, teach your children the right way and then you wont be in this situation. And guess what it doesnt take someone to walk, or run or anything along that lines to teach your child right from wrong. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:34:24 AM | | I have cerebral palsy and having a disbility is no excuise to let a child "run wild" the way this mother has..if my child stole something I would make sure they were punished for it!!!! | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 9:09:30 AM | My friend and I both have Cerebral Palsy as well.. I hate to say this about my friend but she is very selfish.. She rather sleep or go out then deal with her daughter.. She has a 7yr old which is staying with my friends mom due to bad choices that my friend made and my friends mom refused to let the 7yr old go down that path...
My friend also plays the victim very well.. Poor me, why does my daughter (or whomever it may be) do this to me.. Because she is disabled she does use that as an excuse!!
I have kept my distance, I don't call or visit as often anymore, I avoid calls, I did put up boundaries, and stopped letting my kids go there long long time ago.. Her 7yr old and my 7yr old are best buds and I cannot cut my friend out completely.. I am a part of her family.. Her mom is like a mom to me, same with Cousins, Aunts, Uncles are all a part of my life.. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:45:10 PM | I feel for you, being in that situation.
As for Child protective services and the cops getting to the bottom of it... don't count on it. It is assumed the kids tell the truth in these things, and that at times the guy needs major backup, to avoid getting in trouble. A friend of a friend... had a step daughter that falsely accused him of sexual abuse. They never really tested him or anything, just assumed she was telling the truth, through this all... though, she was by NO means nearly as radical as this girl sounds to be.
She HAS to call the cops, and get a handle on things. I doubt she does, and her child will suffer throughout life for it. Hell, there is a good chance, she has let this go on for far too long, and the child will have issues for the rest of her life, because of it.
Unfortunately, you are just a friend, and ultimately, have no power. It sucks letting someone you care about, destroy themselves. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 3:02:55 PM | If your friends ex-boyfriend has abused your friends daughter then it's possible he will do it again "Prochaska & DiClementi". He needs to be reported to the police and your friends daughter will need to be assessed by social services as it may have left some long term psychological affect on her .
However, if your friends daughter is lying in order to obtain money then that also is a matter to be addressed. Your friend could advise her daughter of the seriousness of the incident and take her to the police to make an official report. If your friends daughter is lying , then I'm sure it will show her that mom means serious business and will not be lied to. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 4:33:47 PM | Plenty of disabled people raise perfectly normal happy kids. The problem is your friend. Although I am sure after the childhood she gave her kid she is doomed to suffer unless she suddenly straightens up and gets help. But she has no incentive to do so How do you believe someone that is a known drug addict, thief and a liar? 5 years later the courts will take the attitude of he said/she said.
This is a family you can chose to be a part of or if you are smart cut them off. I have every sympathy in the world for a hard luck story but when people constantly fu*k up and expect you to sympathize? No way. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 7:05:34 PM | | Well shit, cerebral palsy is an excuse to be worthless? lol. Damn. Why haven't I been taking advantage of that?!?! JK. People who want to make excuses will always have some excuse. A disability, a bad parent, you name it and they will blame their life being a joke on it instead of taking responsibility for their own short comings. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:09:31 PM | Fab Mom 
I agree it is your freinds issue which really stinks for her. I watched my friends little girl from the time she was about 5 and she was the same way and Mom was too busy doing other things and it's a shame cause you certainly reap what you sow.
People look at me when I get on to my boys cause I am a stickler, they are only 7 & 8, I do not want to wake up and have to deal with teenage monsters because I was too busy to discipline them now.
Hope all the best for your freind. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:13:32 PM | I think this is a very very tough situation and it sounds like they wont really be able to charge the man with anything as there is no real evidence but testimony from a messed up manipulative teenager.
It could very well have happened, but im just saying it is probably going to be close to impossible to prove it and the charges will most likely be dropped..so there probably isnt much that can be done in that department.
As for the daughter going out and drinking and doing drugs she needs a lot of love, mabye some tough love but she needs help. She could possibly be sent to a drug treatment facility because she is young enough and might even agree to go on her own if her mother has enough in her to talk to her daughter compassionatly about going while giving her an ultimatum.
It sounds to me like the mother made some really bad choices but its up to her now to make sure she does her best to get her daughter straightened out. Her daughter is crying out for attention and the mothers disabilitiy should not prevent her from giving it to her. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:44:10 AM | I agee having Cerebral Palsy or any disability isn't an excuse.. I know I have C.P too.. I can say my kids are good kids, they are still kids but the trouble they get into are normal age appriopate trouble.. I have rules and conquences for those rule that are broken.. My son will be taller than me soon, I won't be afraid to 'put him over my knee' figurativly speaking.. I am a laid back kind of mom if you respect the house rules but I'll be on your a$$ if your not..
My friend doesn't seem to get it.. Her lack of stability and parenting is scary.. She does have social workers involved as of recently, there was a situation that happen last year with her daughter.. That situation was scary and the daughter refused to let her mom near her and asked for me until she sobered up completely then she pushed me away.. But my friend doesn't force the help offered on her daughter.. But takes the help for herself but plays the victim instead of owning up to her mistakes.. She doesn't understand why her daughter is like that but everyone else can and can give a list why..
When ever I call Child Protective services they usually can't do much.. Unless the child calls themselves.. There is no physical abuse going on towards the kids and its hard to proove.. Besides why would the daughter call when she has all the freedom in the world..
As I said, she's a long time friend (since we were 12, we're 32 now) and have been through so much together.. She also has a son who was adopted by her mom when he was a baby that is my son's age who hang out together, there is also the youngest who is living with her grandma also who is my girls BFF.... So I am very connected to her family.. I have withdrawn myself from my friend the last 5 years.. We don't hang out as much or I don't call her much.. My kids aren't allowed over at her place and haven't been since my girl was 3ish.. It's a combination of the a-holes she brings home and her oldest behaviour.. I love my friend like a sister, and love all of her children like my own, but I can only give so much advise/opinions/help before it gets tiring.. | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 5/2/2008 3:21:39 AM | Only her, the man, and God knows whether or not she is telling the truth. It's sad to think that kids, especially older ones who ought to know better, make up things like that...but it happens.
Despite telling her mom this, the mother needs to start taking action to get her daughter under control.
Here is an awesome place that I suggest she look into.
www.threesprings.com
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| troubled girl
Posted: 5/3/2008 12:29:01 AM | It is so important to believe children when they tell people something like this but the way you laid out the scenario, I thought to myself the kid lied to make her mother feel bad to get the money, before you wrote that part.
Then again you said she was sexually active by 11 or 12 and often children that are molested are promiscuous as a result.
Here's what this may hinge upon and it may make no difference with your friend if she has blinders on. I'm not sure if a single incident (and I hate to put it that way because once is too much) of fingering could be so traumatizing that it would produce the behaviors that are normally tied to sexual abuse, i.e. the promiscuous behavior.
I would try to get some advice from a counselor because I think it is interesting that the girl told her the story and also included that it was a one-time deal. This would suggest that she was trying to get sympathy without producing the anger that would send her mother to the cops, which is what a kid would do if they had even the tiniest conscience and the guy didn't do it. | |
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