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 JasleneM
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 1
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with himPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
So my boyfriend and I had a nine month break last year but have been together for 7 months now (around 3 yrs total). Our relationship is mature and strong. We have expressed desires to marry/settle down with each other in the future except there is one dilemma:

I want to be engaged before we move in together. I don't need to set a wedding date asap. Waiting 2-3 yrs for that would be fine. I think I just find the act of moving in together to be a result of going to a higher commitment level (i.e., engagement).

But he comes from a family in which you live together first to see if you are compatible and then become engaged. Which makes sense too as who would want to buy a ring and have to maybe take it back or something...

We have had this discussion openly, and he said he was willing to live together for only one year (not several as he previously desired) before engagement. He said he is 99% sure that we will do great living together and talks about our future as a married couple and as parents frequently, chose names for our future children with me, saves money, is very affectionate, is a big family man and always brings me along, doesn't like it when I don't spend the night, etc....this dilemma just seems to stem from our different backgrounds and upbringing.

I am still a little uncomfortable with it all though, but he is moving away to go on to law school and we don't want to be separated. I'm also not the type to give ultimatums, as I think that would be unfair since he isn't giving me any ultimatums.

What's a girl to do? Should I stick to my guns, yet risk having to stay behind as he will definitely be moving? Should I suggest going to the new city together but live separately (though that sounds absurd economically as we will only know each other in this new city)? Or trust that we'll do great together and an engagement will occur next summer?

It is sort of perplexing because as uncomfortable as I would be moving in w/out a ring, I know he would probably be just as uncomfortable being engaged to someone he has never lived with...

Personal anecdotes are always welcomed.
 InAdvance
Joined: 4/16/2008
Msg: 2
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:28:29 PM
If you believe in engagement before moving in, then that is what you should do. Personally I don't see why he would have a problem with it. Its not like an engagement can't be broke off, unless of course you set a date to be married, 5 months from the time you move in together, then this might be a bit difficult.
 ~transparent~butterfly
Joined: 5/12/2007
Msg: 3
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:34:05 PM
Wow, what a tough spot for the two of you to be in.

This really calls for some careful compromise on both of your parts.

I can see you wanting the ring before moving in and I can see him wanting to live together before spending the money on a ring. Pro and cons to both sides.

You say that you were apart for about 9 months last year and got back together and have been together for 7 months this time around.

You are still young and marriage is a big committment - both of you need to move slowly. You mention moving to the same town together, but not living together. This seems to be a fair compromise for the time being. You can always move in together later, with or without the ring.

One question for you though - why is the ring so important to you? Relationships do not succeed or fail based on a ring.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

~tb~
 Phoenix!
Joined: 5/29/2007
Msg: 4
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:38:14 PM
Transparent beat me to it by asking exactly what I was thinking.

What is it about being engaged that would make you more comfortable? You'll still be living together before you're married?

Is it that you will feel the relationship is more stable if you have some sort of commitment from him? In which case, you need to be careful of the band-aid approach i.e. using a ring to plaster over potential cracks in the relationship.

Commitment results in a ring, a ring doesn't result in commitment.
 Marius66
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 5
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:38:59 PM

It is sort of perplexing because as uncomfortable as I would be moving in w/out a ring, I know he would probably be just as uncomfortable being engaged to someone he has never lived with...


^^^^^^^^^Listen darlin'.....you stick to your values and what you believe in.

If you care so much for one another....I can't see what is wrong with moving to the new city together and living in separate dwellings, if they are your principles that you stand by..

I think you are a very well-minded woman OP.....I agree with your values about living separately until you are engaged.

If he has told you that you have a future together as a marriede couple....I can't see why he can't wait until you both get engaged before you live together..

Good luck OP
 Marius66
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 6
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:49:06 PM

One question for you though - why is the ring so important to you? Relationships do not succeed or fail based on a ring.


^^^^^^^^^^OP....you can be engaged and not have to have an engagement ring straight away..you don't have to stick to traditional engagements.

Why not buy each other token rings and both wear them.....after all it's the words...
" will you marry me?" and "yes" are what makes you engaged. Have an engagement party....letting all your friends know of your intentions and love for one another to make this commitment...
See how your engagement progresses.....once you are living together and are on you feet....then he can get you the true engagement ring and wedding rings together..

Just a suggestion
 JasleneM
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 7
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 1:58:12 PM
lol, y'all must think a lot alike. He already bought me a token/promise/commitment ring with a beautiful pearl...just wants to wait after a year of living together for the real deal. We haven't done a party or anything, but talk openly about it amongst family and friends.
 Urbanessa
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 8
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 2:01:14 PM

I want to be engaged before we move in together. I don't need to set a wedding date asap. Waiting 2-3 yrs for that would be fine. I think I just find the act of moving in together to be a result of going to a higher commitment level (i.e., engagement).

From my point of view moving in together is a higher level of commitment in itself, so I don't see your problem.
 Phoenix!
Joined: 5/29/2007
Msg: 9
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 2:03:16 PM

OP....you can be engaged and not have to have an engagement ring

Errrrrrm, yeeeeeeaaah, I think the OP and other respondents (myself included) aren't talking about a literal ring, rather a figurative ring and what it represents.

The commitment is the subject at hand not the type of ring, the expense, clarity or even whether she should get an actual ring or a tatoo of a ring on her finger.
 secret_agent_thing
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 10
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 2:05:08 PM
I think you just need to tell this guy you love him but you really don't want to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Any guy that loves you shouldn't force something on his significant other that makes them feel uncomfortable.

You should talk some more with this guy and try and figure out some kind of compromise. When my ex and I were both considering moving an hour away to a new city we were both kind of like you but it was dumb to ignore the financial aspect of it so we decided same apartment, 2 rooms. I can't say if it actually worked because we actually broke up a little bit before the move but it's an interesting thought. As long as you make sure you have your own little place in the apartment to get away at times it might make it a little more comfortable for you.
 Guy Named Ray
Joined: 2/19/2008
Msg: 11
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 2:22:41 PM
It is sort of perplexing because as uncomfortable as I would be moving in w/out a ring, I know he would probably be just as uncomfortable being engaged to someone he has never lived with...


He already bought me a token/promise/commitment ring with a beautiful pearl...just wants to wait after a year of living together for the real deal.


I think there is more to this than you're telling us. Is there?
If there isn't, I don't see any problem except for some reason you have to have the "real deal."
It doesn't matter if the ring is real.
What matters is the "real deal" in your mind.
 JasleneM
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 12
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 2:47:03 PM
Oh, I didn't mean to cause confusion. When I stated "real deal" I didn't mean like a real diamond or anything, I don't care what it looks like/is. I meant as in a real engagement. We both want one...we just have different ideas of how to go about one. We love each other very much though.
 mthomjmark
Joined: 2/27/2008
Msg: 13
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 4/30/2008 3:37:04 PM
Stick to your guns before playing house. Forbes magazine had a fantastic article and 87% of those people that have lived together with someone eventually broke up. Judge Judy is getting rich because now half her show is about couples; many young; living together with the intention of marrying and something goes wrong; usually someone cheats.

People that live together want the security of being married, without the marriage? Why? because its an easier out than if your married and it breaks up.

Stick to your guns. Lay down the law. Tell him what you believe and dont budge. I wish you luck but this may get ugly in time.
 JasleneM
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 14
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/1/2008 6:47:16 AM
Thanks for the advice so far! I don't know if it will get ugly per se, as we're both pretty easy going, but of course I have never been in this situation before so it very well could...
 SlyKnight
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 15
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:41:40 AM
So to summarise:

You wanted to be engaged before moving in, he wanted to live with you for several years before getting engaged.

He's compromised by getting you a promise ring, and agreeing to only one year instead of several.

You've compromised by doing.... what exactly?

He also sounds like he loves you and is 100% convinced things will work out between you, so it's as low-risk as moving in with someone ever can be. You can't really ask for more than that from him.
 nemchucks
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 16
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/1/2008 8:07:40 AM
OP,I think you should move in.One year isn't so bad to wait,is it?
 JasleneM
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 17
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/1/2008 10:16:59 AM
Oh, I'm compromising as well. I will be going to a lower ranked graduate school if I choose to live with him.
 gonzofanmel
Joined: 10/3/2006
Msg: 18
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/1/2008 10:24:20 AM
Personally, i would never live with someone before I was married anyway, but hey, to each his own.......

if you're not comfortable with it, then don't do it. And don't let him pressure you if you're not sure it's what you want.

 slybandit
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 19
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:21:19 AM
Uh Oh.

JasleneM, you are NOT going to like hearing this, but you need to hear it.

You probably have a bigger worry cruising up on you than whether or not you live together before getting engaged.

The phrase is: "he is moving away to go on to law school".

My personal experience with law school, and seeing MANY people (classmates) go through this: Law school is ACID to relationships. Especially if you are moving to a new city to go there, and it is a good school. The time commitment, the workload, the stressors, the exams, the change in perception and outlook it often produces, the inability for your partner to get insight into what you are dealing with, all contribute to the breakdown of romantic relationships.

If he moves away and you do not, the odds are (from what I have seen personally) that will be the death knell for your relationship. And I would think that odds are if you do not move in together in this new city, the same result is likely. In fact, even if you move in together over there, that result is still likely.

And he IS giving you an ultimatum, but an unspoken one.

In your place, I would insist on the engagement. It is not unfair to ask if you are going to totally uproot yourself and go to another city and a different grad school than you otherwise would. Even then, I would get ready for a rocky ride. I saw plenty of classmates that came to law school with fiancées, leave it without them.
 SR C
Joined: 2/24/2008
Msg: 20
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/2/2008 11:34:29 AM
I could never get engaged before moving in with someone. I would have to know that she is someone i can live with before getting down on one knee with a ring in my hand.

Loads of people get hacked off with "the little things"... e.g. leaving toilet seat up, leaving the cap off the toothpaste... leaving the lights switched on... etc etc etc

So to have more of an idea, living with someone first before he splashes out money on a ring is very reasonable.

And i know people say... "engagements can be broken off, rings can be given back", well yes, but marriages can end too.... it sounds easy when it's written down but in real life, it's a bit more than just... "Sorry love, we're not compatible, thanks and here's your ring back.... TAXIIII"

and frankly, anyone to whom it does come easy, it wouldn't surprise me if they had a string of divorces behind them.

He's meeting you half way with the "We can live together for only 1 year" (instead of several) and i'm sure that's a big sacrifice for him. I don't know if i could do it.

With you saying that moving in is a higher level of commitment... erm... you're talking marriage.... if you're afraid of committing to moving in... are you seriously talking marriage and children?

My personal opinion is moving in first is more logical.
You can check each other out before you commit to get engaged.. (and yes, getting engaged IS also a commitment)

Think about it.... in the end, it's your choice... it's your life... it won't make any difference to anyone on this thread except you.

I wouldn't "stick to your guns" in the way you write it because that just gives the impression it's a matter of pride and stubbornness rather than the result of a well thought out process.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

 rejectingall
Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 21
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/2/2008 11:53:59 AM
If you want to be engaged before moving in... insist on a ring before moving in.

If he doesn't want the commitment... then its not the relationship you SAY you want...

You may be suffering from "A bird in hand is worth two in the bush" syndrome
(I have this one hooked... even if he isn't a keeper I'll keep him)
That may be true when you are starving and looking to cook supper...
but its not true when looking for a partner.
 JasleneM
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 22
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/3/2008 4:14:40 PM
So...we had a serious discussion today...I told him my viewpoint and he said he would save money and we could get engaged at the end of this summer...but I felt horrible and told him not to worry about it.

It wasn't cold feet on my part...it's just it didn't seem right. I think engagements are special and I hated the feeling that he was compromising his values to satisfy mine, and that he wanted to live with me so badly that he was willing to get engaged when he wasn't even ready/comfortable with it yet.

I think I'll give him his year.
 _aprilrain_
Joined: 5/9/2007
Msg: 23
Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:10:47 PM
I say live together first!!! Everything changes when you move in together!!!
Don't waste time or money when you haven't put 100% into this relationship.
This includes cooking, cleaning, personal space, friends, commitments. Oi vay! I would never ever get engaged without knowing I could live with that person. He's cut his expectations down by saying he could get engaged to you after a year. That's fair if you're both ready. A ring is just a ring. But a ring that has failed is more than just a ring.
 rejectingall
Joined: 1/24/2007
Msg: 24
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:18:44 PM
So... its fine for you to compromise your values to meet his desires....

But he never needs to compromise for you?

Hi doormat.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 25
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Need advice: My boyfriend wants me to move in with him
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:33:14 PM
I'd agree with the folks that say moving in together IS the next big step in commitment. For me personally, I would never marry someone that I hadn't lived with first, but I would also never move in with someone that I didn't have full intentions of marrying. I don't see living together as some sort of "playing house" experiment, but a logical step on the road to marriage.

The big concern here is him moving away. Do you think your relationship can survive being apart that long, especially considering all the pressure he will be under with school? I agree it doesn't make much sense to move to the same city and live apart there. Do your school/career plans allow you to easily move to this other city with him? If so, I'd say that you should go for it, with his understanding that you both taking such a big step is the engagement basically, since you said the ring doesn't necessarily matter all that much. Otherwise you're just disagreeing over semantics, and a piece of jewelry. Good luck!
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