| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/1/2008 11:41:19 PM | In the beginning of our relationship when we were just talking with each other....we both said our goal was to find a partner to marry.
Men....can you tell me why one day he's looking for marriage....then the next day he's not.....then he is again....then he's not? He hasnt asked me to marry him, but when we talk....he keeps switching back and forth every few weeks or so. WHATS UP WITH THIS. HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!!!! What is on this mans mind?
First of all...we are a long distance romance. Approximately 2 1/2 hours apart. we do not get to see each other every week due to work.
He has alot of stress in his life right now with job and assets....we are fine....we have fun....he calls me all day long while working......we laugh together till we cant stand it.
He tells me I'm like him...strong...Im unique...Im his "Shining Light". We are almost clones of each other in many areas. Personalities very similar. beliefs. politics. etc. Visual attractions for both of us are all working properly. I adore him with all my heart. He seems to really like me too.
Weve been friends for 7 months now.
What is this man doing switching back and forth like that. Why cant he make up his mind what he wants. He knows I WILL NOT live together without marriage. He knows I mean what I say too. that I'm not changing my mind on this.
HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!! IM GOING CRAZY. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/1/2008 11:59:49 PM | Could you please elaborate? There is a lack of specificity to the situation. Has he asked you to marry him and 24 hours later specifically rescinded the offer? Are you asking why all men do this or insight into why this one specific man is behaving as you describe?
There are too many possibilities to give you any semblance of meaning. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 12:25:16 AM | As his clone, you're the most likely person to understand. And I think you do, but don't want to. Perhaps you feel just as uncertain yourself, underneath it all but are just covering your uncertainty up with a completely rigid and uncharacteristic rule.
Acceptance might work - perhaps you could accept that for now he's undecided about marriage and is going to be hot/cold about it for a while whilst the two of you figure things out. it's not actually necessary to decide anything right now, is it? Why are you so hung up on not living together before marriage - is it a religious or a legal protection thing? Would a cohabitation agreement be an alternative suggestion. If it's religious then your differing core beliefs would make me question how suited you might be to each other.
Marriage as a goal is a strange idea. It's not generally "and they lived happily ever after" like the fairy stories, you know. It's not being married that will make your relationship a success, it's relating to each other in a positive and harmonious way. Are you quite sure that you are focusing in the right thing here? | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 12:35:56 AM | I do not feel that living together would be a good idea for legal reasons. I just dont prefer to do that. I think its just to easy to get out of that kind of relationship. I think living together is just not enough of a committed relationship for me. Your are either committed or you are not. Sorry. Just dont agree with that way of life for myself. Do whatever you want...no judgement from me...its just to insecure of a way of living for me. I have seen to many disasters. With marriage, you have to work at getting out. Anyway...I like the idea of being my lovers wife.
BUT.......The whole idea at this time of our lives is to be very careful and not mismatch with someone. I believe and so does he that if two make a commitment....that commitment should be honored and worked on. Not given up on so easily as many do these days as soon as they are bored....or get confused on how to fix the problems...they just move on. We are neither that kind of person.
Myself....I need the marriage as I am younger than him and I will be giving up my job...home...friends...etc to relocate with him. I need to be able to receive his social security as he will probably pass on before me. I really do not want to have to find a job at 70 years old. No thanx. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 12:57:26 AM | In my opinion, from what you are typing, is that he may hold an idea in his head of what marriage is, what it should be, and how it should be, and how each of you should act and feel. He has already defined the relationship and is simply seeking to add the pieces to make it whole and real. Therefore you may at times be living up to his definitions and standards and he doesn't even see you as an individual that defines yourself only how your behavior or personality matches his preconceived criteria. At other times he may be rethinking or weighing how you measure up to his preconceived notions of who you should be, how you should act, as well as what he has to live up to, and subsequently decides you aren't who he thinks his wife should be. There is even the possibility that he can't live up to his own ideal, or even he can't afford (at this time due to the stresses in his life), to live up to his own standards of how he should be acting in order to fit his idea of what a relationship and marriage should be.
If marriage to this guy is the only thing you want in your life anymore then you are going to have to either manipulate control of his standards and definition of marriage or basically become who he wants you to be. Otherwise he will probably continue to vacillate between wanting to marry you, and not wanting to marry you, based on each interaction that does or does not match his ideal. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 2:03:07 AM | OP
You have to understand something about men and marriage. It has been said before here but needs to be said again, there isn't much in marriage for men. I myself go back and forth about the institution of marriage. For me it is a legal contract and I don't share your insecurity of a commitment of heart, spirit, mentality and physicality. I don't think a legal contract makes a commitment on these levels are any stronger. I think of marriage mostly as a need when children are involved but without children it is really optional in my mind. Maybe next month I may change my mind based on the situation but that is because it is not the central core of my being like it is with some people.
I don't know your situation on whether he is waffling on marriage to you or if he is going back and forth on the institution of marriage as a whole. If he is doing the latter then look above for a perspective other than yours.
I would suggest you discuss it with him to get a clear idea which it is, whether it be your situation specifically or as a global level. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 2:47:48 AM | gnuru: I think alot of what you said is correct. I believe that due to the stresses in his personal life....the thought of being responsible for another is a little overwhelming. He did breifly say something to that effect once. Maybe thats it. Very possible.
We both have trust issues....and from time to time they rear their ugly head....but we seem to breeze through those times and have never fought with each other. We just talk about everthing....peacefully. I love that about him. I have never had a partner like that EVER!!! Hes great. But those times might be when he gets nervous about marriage to me as we really do not know each other really well yet. I'll have to watch for that kind of pattern. Could be the problem. If so...good...cause that will pass with time.
Thank you for your input!
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 2:57:37 AM | Unique Man: I think there is plenty in marriage for men. First of all....I have been married and I know that there is a very special bond...especially when you have children together. I believe it is the best choice between living together or marriage. Also I believe we need to be an example for the younger generation and show them how to make a commitment and that you keep it. You made your bed....now lay in it. I think America needs to come back to this. I think too many young people are living together and are not experiencing true committment from another human being. Its just the way my mind is put together. for me...it is the place I am most comfortable.
I know someone who was living with the boyfriend. He moved out claiming he had to work out of the area and he took 98% of his stuff. He left just enough stuff to "keep his place" in case he needs to come back. He may or may not come back...but in the meantime...the woman has no idea of his true intentions. She may never see his face again. He has nothing to lose. But she is wasting her time wondering herself sick. She has also lost income. If they were married....they would have to get together and talk and negotiate. There would be an opportunity to negotiate the relationship. As it stands...she may never see him again ever. NO THANX... JUST TO LIQUID FOR ME.
I agreed that I would sign prenups. I have no problem with that. I just will need his social security to live after he dies as he is 9 years older than me. I have no interest in owning his property. that is his daughters inheritance. I respect that. One thing that needs to be understood....If we marry....I give up my home....my business....living near family.....near friends....to consumate the marriage. I have to give up alot too. Marriage is a security that the law protects. Plus....I would feel much safer married vs living together.
Thank you for your input. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 4:29:32 AM | couple ideas....
does he keep his word in other areas of his life?
you said you are friends. are you dating?
is he talking about marrying someone or marrying you?
his view on marraige is actually not so important as h0w he is treating you. are you interested in him regardless of marraige?
you might reverse your opinion or start witholding it & avoiding this conversation to see what happens next...
good luck! | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 4:45:57 AM |
I need the marriage as I am younger than him and I will be giving up my job...home...friends...etc to relocate with him. I need to be able to receive his social security as he will probably pass on before me. I really do not want to have to find a job at 70 years old. I don't think that the illusion of financial security is a good enough reason to get married and I suspect that if he knows your motivations - the idea that his income will be supporting your lifestyle until he dies - then this may be the reason (an excellent reason too) for his uncertainty over considering you as a partner. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:00:13 AM | I need the marriage as I am younger than him and I will be giving up my job...home...friends...etc to relocate with him. I need to be able to receive his social security as he will probably pass on before me. I really do not want to have to find a job at 70 years old.
marriage is supposed to be a commitment,not a security blanket. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:09:19 AM | | first of all hes scared of a commitment,second he is playing you i bet he says alot of this stuffbefor sex or leading up to it.ask him for space i nkow it will be hard for you but if really cares you will have him.space means no phone calls or anything.this will heart you but in the long run you will get what you want one way or another because if he misses you enough he will come around if not count your blessings because through space you will find out the truth. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:19:15 AM | need the marriage as I am younger than him and I will be giving up my job...home...friends...etc to relocate with him. I need to be able to receive his social security as he will probably pass on before me. I really do not want to have to find a job at 70 years old.
would you still want to marry him if the govrnment didnt provide this type of security?
is this a reason to want to be married?
is this possibly why he questions if he wants to marry you? | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:40:51 AM |
First of all...we are a long distance romance.
He has alot of stress in his life right now with job and assets
I'm not changing my mind on this.
Stop pressuring him for something he is not ready for. If you care about him as much as you say you do, why dont you try looking at things from his point of view.
He is stressed out and youre piling on more stress? | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 8:48:48 AM |
if he misses you enough he will come around...because through space you will find out the truth
on behalf of all women who constant forget this, thank you for the reminder!
and my first thought too with the marraige talk is - if you tell him what you want, he will be tempted to dangle a carrot in front of you. sometimes best to hide your objectives until you see what HE wants. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/2/2008 9:02:27 AM | I wasn't going to reply to this as it looked like it was a simple issue until i read some of the OP's replies to sensible advice/comments.
I do not feel that living together would be a good idea for legal reasons. I just dont prefer to do that. I think its just to easy to get out of that kind of relationship. I think living together is just not enough of a committed relationship for me. Your are either committed or you are not. Sorry. Just dont agree with that way of life for myself. Do whatever you want...no judgement from me...its just to insecure of a way of living for me. I have seen to many disasters. With marriage, you have to work at getting out. Anyway...I like the idea of being my lovers wife.
This reply bugged me the most. Of course i understand that not being married means a person can pretty much walk away but the legalities of that would definitely be just as hard to deal with now days as being married. But it just seem like a clear intent to entrap someone for your own security. I don't doubt that you love him but this way of thinking could be making it harder for him to commit because of the glaring reality of your comment above.
The fact that you are not living together because it is 'easier' to bolt if you don't get your way. And if you get your way it is harder for him to git away if things change. He is in a lose lose and you are in a win win.
The next reply that made me think was this one:
Myself....I need the marriage as I am younger than him and I will be giving up my job...home...friends...etc to relocate with him. I need to be able to receive his social security as he will probably pass on before me. I really do not want to have to find a job at 70 years old. No thanx.
I understand everyone needs to be financially secure. And from one of your later replies you state that you have to give up so much to be with him etc... so i don't want to minimize that... but *holy crap batman* You do not have to give up anything. I moved 4000 miles to be with my special someone and yes i left a very lucrative job but i've gained more then could be measured by being with her. Plus i am rebuilding my business with her support and blessing here in my new country. In some ways I am dependent on her and in other ways i'm not. I guess it is how a person looks at the situation.
You mentioned that both of you have trust issues. I don't because i've also been married and had a marriage end, and realize that a marriage means absolutely nothing, completely shattering my illusion of what it meant. Neither of you can love each other with a free heart at this time because of your lack of trust. But i hope you look at what some of the posters have said here and realize that Love is more then what you are proposing. Either move on and find love that will remove the trust issues or remove the trust issues that are holding you both apart. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/3/2008 12:59:06 PM | Rune3:
He and I have discussed all these details about the social security in depth. He knows exactly what I am thinking.
Social Security does not involve heirs...only widows. Whats wrong with planning your life. Whats wrong in using the tools that are in place to sustain a persons life when they are old. He will I am sure be very happy to receive my caregiving if he were to become ill....remember...he is older than me by 9 years. Its a big difference at 80 and 89.
I am very open and honest about all things. Actually.....things have improved this week. Well see.
I have every right to plan my life according to what will make me happy. I am not a money grubber or a money spender...actually I am quite a money saver unlike his ex wife who spent 10's of thousands of this mans hard earned money. I am not after his money in any way shape or form....but it is only fair that if I give up so much...and will care for him that I receive security for that. I am sure in time when we bond up more....he will not have a problem. It will probably be his idea eventually.
Like I said....things have improved alot this week as I did have to make some noise about a few things as I have a life to live too and if hes not serious...I need to move on. I dont think either of us want that option. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:16:12 PM | RUNE 3:
Im not sure what planet you come from....but in this world.....most people search out a companion for friendship and security. Security for both the man and the woman for different reasons. Maybe the woman wants to start a family....there needs to be a providing father...thus...financial security. (I believe the woman should stay home with the children....this is why there are so many children and adults out of control.....no family life...no guidance...but they have money. Whoopee.Money doesnt replace a mothers love and attention. It just doesnt...feminist...forget it...youll never change my mind on this. Mothers , not fathers, should be home with their children while the man earns the living. Its good for a man to do this and good for a woman to nurture children. Which is why I am looking for love and security. I stayed at home with my children...but have no career except for the business I created....but unfortunately cannot not take that business with me. It has to exist in the area I live now. )
IT IS NO ILLUSION. PEOPLE MARRY FOR SECURITY EVERY SINGLE DAY. HE NEEDS ME...AND I NEED HIM. ITS JUST LIFE. He ALSO needs me for security....hes older...he will probably die before me...he will need my help and care. Whats the big deal... ITS JUST REAL LIFE. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:18:45 PM | | He's working for two masters. You, and what you want to hear him say or do, and his own needs. If he keeps going like this throughout his life, his brain will explode. Better to remain single instead of ruin two people's lives with the expectational delusion that's hammered into the minds of young people before they learn the meaning of responsibility and accountability. Hell, even the USA executive branch of government hasn't learned this. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:46:01 PM | good guy75:
I dont think hes playing me for sex... I have never felt that way about him.. He really his quite a gentleman.
Thank you for you "space" advice.. I think it is excellent advice. Sometimes a person needs something to get them unstuck......to make a decision. Keep in mind...I am not pressuring him for marriage at this time.....just that we have the same goal in mind...the goals we discussed way before we ever got more serious about each other.
I actually did mention that last weekend. He seems to not want me to go. Thank God! LOL
Thank you. | |
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| Hes looking for marriage one day ...the next day ,hes not looking for marriage etc
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:59:05 PM | need the marriage as I am younger than him and I will be giving up my job...home...friends...etc to relocate with him. I need to be able to receive his social security as he will probably pass on before me. I really do not want to have to find a job at 70 years old.............................................
_____________________________________________________________Passion and Song:
Maybe I'm wrong. but I dont think so...I think marriage no matter what is a way of "securing" a partner of which to live life...safe...and comfortably. Thus called SECURITY.
I never thought about what if he had no SS benefits. Most men have worked all their lives in "paying" jobs and the y usually have their SS benefits. These benefits go to no other than a spouse. Only the spouse. Not a live in partner. So what. If I care for him...why shouldnt I have that? If we'd been married 20 years I would receive the benefits . If we marry....we might be married for 20 years.
People need to live their lives and make sure their future is going to be good. Every one does that that has any common sense.
You are only 35. You have no idea what it is like to be my age and face that your days of being able to work and make money are in the near future coming to an end. Also its hard to get work as I was out of the work force for so long taking care of my children and loss of skills. That is why I started my own business....but because of the nature of this business...I can not take it with me if I marry him and move away..
This new age world we are living in gives men like my ex-husband a pass to just walk out on his family and leave me in a dangerous situation. There are many many women in America today in my condition. Its a shame that people just do whatever they want without consideration for their families....and its a shame that there are people who will date married people and help to ruin those families instread of leaving them alone so they can work out their problems.
Thus....are many people like me in my situation. Every action has a consiquence. I must be very careful about my choices in my life right now. I have watched others live with this one than that one this another one. Not my style. Those women will probably be all alone and destitute when they are old. I have alot of self esteem and will not let anyone use me that way. If he loves me and marries me...he will want the best for me.
thank you | |
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