| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:42:20 AM | | I always go out after work to a local resturant/bar to meet my friends for dinner and drinks on Fridays. Well this man ( cute man by the way ) has been winking at me and smiling for weeks now. So last night I wrote my number down and took it to him, we ended up talking and he told me he has been married three times. Most of the guys I have dated has never been married or only once. I'm just not sure what to think about a man or women for that matter that has been married three times. What do you think? | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:38:03 AM | Well, guess I'd want to know what happened to wife/marriage #1, wife/marriage #2 and wife/marriage #3
Now, if wife #1, #2 and #3 died under mysterious circumstances, I don't know that he'd be the guy for me..... | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:55:48 AM | Goose
Going by the numbers, havta admit you have your
work cut out for you.
Much like a used car, find out the 'history'.......
OIL changed? Tune up? Kick tires!
[extra ROOMY trunk?]
Everyone has a story!
[course...this dude kin hold the DEVIL spellbound most certainly]
Make time for an 'in-depth' interview, several copies, one for each
vict...errr ...ummm....dalliance.
LOOK BEFO YOU LEAP!!!
[or at least...arrange for a quick exit] | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:28:23 AM | i see that you're 44, so hopefully you know the ropes.
it isn't uncommon for perfectly nice people to have a couple of marriages under their belts by their 40s. three marriages is a bit much for me - but that doesn't mean he isn't a perfectly nice man. i'm a little cautious and i'd be afraid to take that one for a test drive without getting to know him for quite a while.
he has your number and he knows your interested. just sit back and see how he proceeds.
and remember - buyer beware! no matter how many miles | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:37:50 AM | | I guess I will ask a few questions when he calls or I see him at our hangout. But it almost makes me think he is a controller and I will not put up with anyone like that. Just have to wait and see I guess. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:43:53 AM | Wife #1: died from eating poison mushrooms.
Wife #2: Also died from eating poison mushrooms. Strange coincidence, poor guy.
Wife #3: Died from a gunshot. Wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms.
Yeah, it's an oldie. But a goodie. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:51:58 AM | The picture so far...
Bar
"winks"
married 3 times
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......if you want a wild ride then dip your toes in..
If you don't....RUNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Sorry, if it seems harsh but I have met men for dates who have been married 3 times and their stories are never pretty. They are not marriage material, but they don't know it yet.
They also get more desperate each time they are let loose out there. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:06:02 AM | | I think it depends on the circumstances. If the guy was a widower thats one thing. If he was divorced 3 times, well whats the common denominator? He failed at marriage 3 times. Did he learn anything from that? It does take 2 people to make a marriage work. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:06:38 AM | When a marriage fails, there is usually blame on both sides but there can also be a heap of blame on one side, i.e. someone wants to work on the marriage and the other doesn't, someone cheats, etc. Many people get married very briefly when they are young. Some people wind up in rebound marriages that are also brief. Some people are in bad marriages and stay because of children. He could have gotten a high school girlfriend pregnant and felt he was doing the honorable thing.
I would say it is a good sign that this man was upfront about the fact that he was married three times and despite what happened, obviously believes in a committed relationship and that a marriage can last forever. Would a dishonest guy, a loser, yada yada, tell you something that he knew could make you run when he has bothered to very obviously flirt with you for weeks? Sounds like a decent guy to me.
I would find out why the marriages split up as well as ask him if he can be in a long term relationship without being married. The answers to both questions will be informative and allow you to make a decision about whether you wish to know him better. If he sounds like someone that has learned nothing then don't let it go anywhere. This is really not rocket science.
You know, the intimation that people are retarded or somehow terminally damaged because they have been married three times irritates me. If I had not been so stubborn about trying to make my second marriage to a bipolar *sshole (and excuse me for those of you unfamiliar with the condition they can be very charming and hide the b.s. for quite a while) I could probably have managed to make a mistake again.
My first marriage was brief in my early twenties, like many people, too young and had I met him later in life we might still be together. He decided to end it before I was ready to throw in the towel. The second ended for many reasons including I could never have know what a piss poor father he would make. I have thus far been able to avoid mistake number three because I did learn from the first marriages but people can be blind to a lot of things, doesn't make them a bad person and people also really do change. One of my friends married a guy who was absolutely perfect for her and he literally did a Jekyll and Hyde thing shortly after the wedding.
OP, you sound like you have already decided this man is bad news possibly for having the stupidity to pick the wrong women and trust his heart to people that did not deserve it. Do what you will but people who judge others when they have no clue about the situation are only doing themselves a disservice. You can always elect not to get involved at any point. Fleeing when you know nothing?
VVVV You would elect to not even have the conversation but depending on the answers, he could be the needle in the haystack. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:06:56 AM | | I'm with you, Wildflower1. My preference is to date men who've been married and divorced only once. Each. I like the symmetry. Sure, I may pass up a great guy who's simply made two poor choices ... as opposed to having character flaws which would undermine a long-term relationship. But, I prefer to miss out on the drama of discovering that rare needle-in-the-haystack. | |
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vro312
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Joined: 11/22/2007
Msg: 11 | |
| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:22:17 AM | Here's my self-contradictory take on it:
First of all, I myself am a sucker for the wink. It makes my knees weak. And no matter how old/"mature" I get, I still seem to conveniently forget that if he's got that winking thing down to the point where he can make me blush--which isn't easy--he's been practicing it for a while. In other words, if his smooth works on me, it probably works on other women, too. And that's how you end up married three times. (You end up divorced three times when you spend your whole adulthood perfecting the wink and not much else.)
Second--and here's the contradiction--the best relationship I ever had, by far, was with a man who had been married three times. I'd known him for a few years, and we both got divorced at the same time. Our divorces had nothing to do with each other, and I hadn't been interested in him nor had he been interested in me while we were married. He was excessively emotional, and that was a little tough to deal with at times, but he was super kind and open and giving and fun. As far as I could tell, he ended up divorced three times because he had made rash decisions to get married, when maybe he wasn't all that happy in the first place. I'm certainly not deminishing it--three times *is* a lot--but he also didn't seem to be under the impression that all the relationship problems were because of the women. And none of the women were dead or seemed to hate him. Still, I ended it, and part of why I ended it was that he was too emotional and a little needy. But mostly, I think it was that I wasn't ready for how serious it was getting. If I met him now, I think maybe I'd stay with him, even though he's been married three times. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:26:33 AM | Let me ask you this...
If this guy had a twin beside him (equally as cute) , but he had never been married who of the two would you approach ... a 3 time loser or his twin that never has been married ? | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:46:06 AM | I think I'd be very careful, some people are more interested in getting married than being married.
I'd not get very involved with him to fast because somethings very wrong there. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 9:10:02 AM | | Give us 3 timer's a break, huh? I was married the first time very very young...pregnant(in the 70's. only lasted a year . The 2nd one was at 21, lasted 6 years. married again AS AN ADULT at 31 and was married 12 years...he was a cheater. I have chosen to be single since then. Doesn't always mean it was my fault OR the guy you're talking about..get some details and "glean" the truth from there.. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 10:19:23 AM | | You all have given me some things to think about. I'm the kind of person that gives people a chance, I do have a bad habit of dating men that has never been married and no kids so maybe it is time to break that habit. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 10:25:16 AM |
Give us 3 timer's a break, huh?
Why ?
Why should those that have chosen unwisely, not be held accountable for their choices just for the sake of "Being Married" ..? If a person chooses so unwisely on something so important as getting married... Doesn't it make you wonder what other unwise life choices they have made ?
Please, I'm not picking on you specifically... I'm just pointing out a pattern is all.
I mean, I chose not to be married because I had goals and desires to carry out first. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that this would be held against me (general consensus on these forums) . Now I'm labeled as non- committal, selfish but who really is the one that can't a commitment or selfish... the person that recognises that they (man or woman) are not ready to settle down and choose to at a later date or the people that treat or view marriage as a disposable diaper ?
Again, this is just for discussion sake | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 10:47:08 AM | | I think that there are always reasons for what happens - whether you know them or not, and that asking us for opinions without asking him the question is like shooting yourself in the foot..... If you like this guy and want to get to know him better, then do it. Its your choice whether it goes as far as marriage or not. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 11:13:59 AM | Seems to me from this thread your fear is making a poor choice in a guy... At 44, or any age that is a good way of thinking...
It is good if you are able to hold your emotions close to you, and NOT get to emotionaly attached to mr cute guy, because you will only be getting one side of the story... Therefore the best you can do is listen to how he tells his tale, who he spends the most time blaming, and then what he does in retaliation...
Met a 2 time divorcy, and his excuse for his marriage failure AND how he loved the on going battle with the 2nd one was very interesting... He said his first marriage ended because she cheated, but well he had to cheat twice to get back.... Then the marriage failed because she didn't want to have more kids...WTF????
2nd wife, she had an emotional affair, which he insisted SHE tell the kids was breaking the family up..He also said she knew what she got into when they met and that he wouldn't be around home much, after all he was a semi pro bowler, and she should have known that was going to be important to him... Had 2 more kids, but oddly doesn't get along with the 2nd one, and therefore doesn't spend much if anytime talking to him.... He moved 3+ hours away......
See kind of where I am going?
Take things slow, and don't let the wink and cuteness fool you... There is nothing wrong with being make a NOTE about his 3 times a divorcee... Something he told you straight up, which means he knows it is a deterent to some women...
Good luck... | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 12:36:11 PM | Starline your post is interesting. You suggest that people should not be given a chance because they made three mistakes, that you know of. For all we know, you have made similar mistakes without the pieces of paper. If you had three long or semi-long term cohabitations, would you not essentially be exactly like the person that was divorced three times just never took the legal leap?
You also suggest that three-time losers should not be given the benefit of the doubt but then are irritated that people assume that you cannot commit. You said you didn't marry because you had goals but others have goals and find out they can't have the career and the marriage. You are better because you chose to go it alone? You assume that people take their marriage vows lightly because they have been married more than once. In my first marriage, my X decided to walk and since you cannot be married by yourself, my marriage ended and I did not feel like I had put everything I could into salvaging it. That was what hurt the most about the divorce.
That is one of the reasons that I stayed in a bad marriage for far too long the second time. In both cases, I believed and meant my marriage vows but there are two people in the equation. I do not believe that marriage is disposable and I suspect that I will at some point take the leap again. I take responsibility for my decisions as well as recognizing that when everything is said and done, you had information that you did not have going in.
When I apologize to my children for picking a dad that cannot be bothered attending their ballgames and concerts my children tell me that I couldn't have known because he made that effort (I suspect out of guilt) for their halfbrother. I try not to judge anyone. Three marriages is at least a yellow flag, something that should be investigated. It indicates that someone may have made poor choices but what makes a difference to me is if he admits his culpability in the failures and if he believes he has learned about what he wants and needs from these relationships.
If someone has not married and has been in relationships but recognized that they did not have the basis to build a marriage I applaud that individual but I would also find out if that were the case or if he just seemed incapable of making a commitment beyond a certain point. Immediately judging someone a loser for the number of marriages is really no different than deciding without knowing them that they are inferior because of their skin or hair color. People change. Some grow, some don't. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/3/2008 1:51:44 PM | | Find out what ended the marriages then go form there. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:15:57 AM |
Starline your post is interesting. You suggest that people should not be given a chance because they made three mistakes, that you know of. For all we know, you have made similar mistakes without the pieces of paper. If you had three long or semi-long term cohabitations, would you not essentially be exactly like the person that was divorced three times just never took the legal leap?
Absolutely not, but I would definantly look hard to see if there was some type of life style pattern
You also suggest that three-time losers should not be given the benefit of the doubt but then are irritated that people assume that you cannot commit. You said you didn't marry because you had goals but others have goals and find out they can't have the career and the marriage. You are better because you chose to go it alone? You assume that people take their marriage vows lightly because they have been married more than once. In my first marriage, my X decided to walk and since you cannot be married by yourself, my marriage ended and I did not feel like I had put everything I could into salvaging it. That was what hurt the most about the divorce.
My comment about 3 time loser was harsh and since there is no edit button ...
I have to ask you, When is it the right time to get married ?
Maybe people now days do take marriage too lightly.
If someone has not married and has been in relationships but recognized that they did not have the basis to build a marriage I applaud that individual but I would also find out if that were the case or if he just seemed incapable of making a commitment beyond a certain point. Immediately judging someone a loser for the number of marriages is really no different than deciding without knowing them that they are inferior because of their skin or hair color. People change. Some grow, some don't.
Absolutely... I think maturity also has to be considered.
How many times have you seen two kids that don't have a clue who they are, never mind what they want in life get married bring 2-3 children only to realize they made a mistake and the kids are the ones that suffer.
I know for a fact that I wasn't mature enough "back in the days" which surely would have led to divorce. I guess I could sit here and make my shopping list as to why I didn't marry this one or that one, but as I matured as a person I also learned what I didn't want in a partner as well. I think some people get married for the just for the sake of being married which almost always end up in divorce.
Besides, living in my neck of the woods (15 yrs)... well lets say that the choices aren't all that great.   | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:10:45 AM | | i dont know. Maybe try and find out why he's had 3 marriages, why the other ones havent worked? Then maybe you'll get a better idea? | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:21:00 AM | | It could just be the guy has made some bad choices. It could also mean he does not know how to compromise and work things out long term. Maybe he is difficult to live with. Also, it could be a sign of a lack of commitment. But, these are all assumptions...it really depends on the individual. I would find out how long his marriages were. I wonder how many kids he has...yikes. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:36:02 AM | I got a feeling maybe after a few dates OP....you might find out why his 3 marriages ended.....I guess just get all the facts first.
But, then he could lie through his teeth and you would be non the wiser. | |
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| This guy I met
Posted: 5/4/2008 2:17:24 AM | I would be more worried if the guy only ever went on first dates and never to second or third.
There are some people who have had more than 3 relationships does that count? just because he had been married more than once doesn't make him/her a bad person.
I know it would not bother me as much as someone who is on meds or is an alcoholic/drinks too much. | |
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