| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/3/2008 2:03:28 PM | Any single parents out there feel guilty for wanting to date ?
Anyone feel guilty while being on a date, thinking you should be with your child ?
This is my issue/ dilemma. Just wondering if anyone has felt the same way ? | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/3/2008 2:11:58 PM | I used to feel guilty..but no more..I used to feel guilty that I was working when I should be with them and still do.. but what can one do? The bottom line is we all need time to ourselves and are entitled to a life with a partner other than our kids and the only way to accomplish that is by dating. In the end you are doing your kids a favour by finding someone who can ultimately help ease the burden and guilt for when you can't be in 10 places at once as single parenting seems to entail. Also a happier you makes a happier household and happier kids in the end who are ultimately more mentally healthy as well!
tp1 | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/3/2008 2:19:52 PM | | OP you live in Ontario...you may find it tough to get a comuttment for marriage from a guy. Dating you may not have a problem with..a long term relationship could be an uphill battle" because of loco parentis laws in Ontario. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/3/2008 2:39:42 PM | Thanks for the responses.
Johne102 - what do you mean ? What's up with the laws ? | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/3/2008 2:44:34 PM | gurlnlist:
In Ontario if (in your case) a man were to marry you or live common-law with you and your child they could well end up paying child support for your child if the relationship did not work out. Lots of people may date single parents but to marry them..many will reconsider it. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/3/2008 2:49:18 PM | johne, she is not asking a question on how tough dating is nor a 'comuttment for marriage"
If it's a bad date, then yes I'd feel guilty for taking time away. but i fyou had a good time, it's good to have yourself time once in awhile. when your child grows up, you don't want to be in the empty nest syndrome, so it's good and healthy that you have time for yourself and finding hobbies that interest you. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/3/2008 2:50:08 PM | That's every province, depending on the circumstances. That's not really fair, why would I want someone to pay support for a child that is not biologically thiers, I have no plans of getting married again, so maybe that'll work out for me !
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:12:32 AM | yes i totally feel that way because you think your time should be with the 24 7 or at least in your free time ...... but im finding out they sense thing also really good which puts strain on them also ...... just date responsible and spend quality time with them not just log hours it will bring you closer ............. i still strugling with this but ive been workin on it | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 3:19:52 AM | No, I don't feel guilty, BUT I do feel challenged to balance it! That's the big question I can't find the answer to yet. But hey, it's worth trying to find the answer isn't it?
Nothing to feel guilty about, as long as you are giving your kids the time and attention and focus and love they need, then if you can find someone understanding of your time limits and is into you as a woman, no need to feel that rotten guilt. Don't let guilt rule you sweetie. It sucks. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 3:58:28 AM | Holy carp, Johne... talk about going completely off-topic on your quest to turn every thread into a "loco parentis" b!tch session. Don't you have something better to do than stalk the single parents forum and gripe about something that doesn't even affect you? Your girlfriend only has grown children, right? Give it a rest, dude.
Back ON topic: Yes, I used to feel a little guilty, but my kids want ME to be happy, too. They don't meet the people I date, for the most part, but they're aware I AM dating, and support me in that. OP, if you let yourself feel guilty the whole time you're out on a date, you're going to sabotage your efforts... Just accept that your kids will understand that you need to take a little time for you, and they in fact want YOU to be happy, too. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 5:48:59 AM | Nope, I never feel guilty. Just as my kids need me, I need emotional connection as well.
I will say though, that I rarely (maybe twice in the past year) go out on dates when my kiddos are at home. Usually I date while they are gone to their father's, which is every other weekend. Or as in the case of the gentleman I am seeing now, during the day while they are at school, because of his work schedule.
If I am going to be a good mother to them, I have to take care of myself. And that includes interaction with adults.
But then again....I have older children : 16, 12, 10. My 16yr old daughter thinks I am an ancient dinosaur, and it is wrong for someone my age to be dating. Wait till she hits 41-42 LOL.
Edit:
Holy carp, Johne... talk about going completely off-topic on your quest to turn every thread into a "loco parentis" b!tch session. Don't you have something better to do than stalk the single parents forum and gripe about something that doesn't even affect you? Your girlfriend only has grown children, right? Give it a rest, dude.
Amen Desertrhino!!!! | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:54:28 AM | OP another consideration:
If you ever want to havew a man meet your child..how will yur child react? If they are too you it may not matter..or as you say you are not looking to get married so that may not matter. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:30:21 AM | | I used to feel guilty about going on dates. I dont anymore. I asked my kids how they felt about it, they told me they just wanted me to be happy. That was good enough for me. I dont let them meet anyone unless I know Im in it for the long run. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 10:57:05 AM | OP I used to feel guilty, then you start to see the effects it starts to take on your relationship with your children. So I have to agree with dating again in the long run is good for all aspects of our lives.
As for johne's posts, any guy who looks at a relationship in that manor is not worth dating in my opinion anyway. That is something that is ultimately determined after a relationship is developed and by the way that two people feel towards one another. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 11:57:31 AM | girlinlust I knw where your coming from....I havnt dated for a while just because of this. However, most of the time Im happy with my decision but sometimes I wonder when they're all grown up will I resent them both. Not sure if im doing the right thing but for now I know I have to.... | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:10:05 PM | I didn't read the whole thread, so apologies in advance if I'm repeating others here.
I only go out with friends when my children are at their Mom's for the weekend, which is unfortunately only once a month. I say unfortunately because they need to spend more time with her but she's over 250 miles away and it's a hardship on all of us.
OP, if you feel guilty when you're out with a friend, you can't really enjoy yourself. It's kinda like during the airplane safety speech the flight attendants give. "In the event oxygen masks are deployed, breathe for yourself *first* then give to your child or needy co-passenger.
If you're not taking care of yourself on some level, you can't adequately take care of them. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:26:46 PM | OP, do a thread search. This one has been done before and you should find some great feedback on those as well.
I have felt guilty in the past. The dysfunction that my kids were used to allowed them to have me to themselves even when their dad was here. I did things for him but not because I wanted to and we spent little time with him so while they wanted mommy to have a boyfriend that would be nice to her yada, yada, they still are kids and didn't want to share.
I can't help thinking that this is somehow something we teach our kids. When I was little, my parents occasionally went out and it was the coolest thing on the planet to have a babysitter. Would have never occurred to me to make them feel guilty for having a life, which they should have and were entitled to, adult time. Your attitude I think telegraphs to the child so there is more than one reason not to feel guilty.
Finding a balance can be hard. If you have time without your child start doing your dating then. If that is not an option then remember, unless your evening starts really early, most of the time you are away from your child he/she will be sleeping. If you have a young child, try to schedule some of your dates for during the week, that gives you the whole weekend with your child.
That doesn't work for me because I need to be around for homework et al so during the school year it is either Friday or Saturday. The last time my 9-year-old tried to give me a hard time for just going to a movie with a friend, I told him that he is not concerned about leaving me at home to go play with his friends or spend the night, mommy is supposed to have friends too and he can get over it. He just grinned and went in the other direction.
Part of being a good mom is having a full and happy life outside of them. It is also not a bad thing if you find a decent guy to show the child a happy loving relationship. And finally, they even learn things with our failures, i.e. we were just not right for each other, ending things amicably and not pursuing wrong relationships. Obviously these types of lessons are for older children but there are many good things that the children, in addition to the parent, gets from dating if handled appropriately.
You will get pangs occasionally no matter how positive you look at things and no matter how well you manage the time so just remind yourself that it is a good thing. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:47:20 PM | I think what it boils down to, is if you really are ready to date. because, if you really want to date, you'd make more effort in finding a way to have someone watch your kids. It's healthy that both parent and child have time away so they can deal with some separation and know how to play/cope without having the child there. It's teaching them about being independent.
what will you do when you're kids grow up, you'll have the empty nest syndrome to deal with if you don't take time away to do your own things and have fun once in awhile. No child will resent their parent to have their time away once in awhile. There's just got to be a balance to fit both needs. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 2:49:35 PM | | nope & nope.. my kids r outta the babysitting stage of their lives.. how old is ur child(ren)?.. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:31:43 PM | | thanks for the feedback everyone, I truly do feel 'ready' to date, and I personally don't think anything is wrong with it. However, I think my daughters reaction is coming from my parents who don't agree with divorce, and definately don't agree to dating after divorce. I think they have painted the picture for her that it's wrong for me to do so, and obviously have painted the same picture in my head growing up, therapy , maybe ?? | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:56:18 PM | | Well if you do not agree with what your parents are telling your daughter talk to them...and yeah take your daughter to therapy....best wishes. | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 5:55:39 PM | Nope, I know the value of a well grounded, balanced parent. Being with an adult you desire, respect and otherwise what to be with is a good thing for a parent.  Besides, laughter is good! | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/4/2008 11:56:51 PM | | Not really, but I found it very hard to start. After being married for a century, ok 18 years, I found it hard to take the first steps. I used my children as an excuse because I didnt want to hurt there feelings. But I learned I need to be happy too. So I decided to love my children, and have the family time, and also find the time I need to take care of myself. So I take care of them and have my time too. CHEERS | |
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| Guilty For Dating ?
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:05:19 AM |
Any single parents out there feel guilty for wanting to date ?
Anyone feel guilty while being on a date, thinking you should be with your child ?
This is my issue/ dilemma. Just wondering if anyone has felt the same way ?
Yes...Me
I don't even look for it, it's just something I feel good not doing dating that is...I run a mile if it gets to dating. I just enjoy going out with friends, dinner have a drink and laugh then come home and relax with no worries. | |
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