| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:45:36 PM | I got home a few days ago and saw this message on my msn... "Hey , you there? call me when you get home it's important" this was written by a friend on mine.
Naturally i called right away. She answered and went right into a rant about how her ex-husbands marriage was in trouble, and how he moved out of his wifes house. She was literally giddy telling this story, and i had to listen to her gloat about "i told you so"
for about 20 minutes before i had had enough and got off the phone.
This was a marriage that my friend ended, she moved out on him, so it's hard for me to understand why such glee in his current marriage being in trouble. Maybe it's the fact that her ex married a woman 18 years younger than her, a month after they were officially divorced. I know she does not want him back, but i think she was pissed that he may have traded up(in her mind) after she kicked him to the curb.
To hear her tell it, her ex-husband was a good man, a very good father, who sees his kids all the time. Pays his support without bitching about it. And is an overall good person. She just fell out of love with him and moved on. So her actions has got me totally confused.
Some of us hold such animosity towards our exes. To the point of not ever wanting them to be happy. I wonder if we think that's healthy? Don't we have to let go of the past before we can truly look towards the future?.
I also wonder if it's just natural for us to feel a little strange, when we find out that someone we were involved with has moved on to another relationship, and seem happy?.
Is it ok for them to move on just as long as they are not trading up? | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:50:44 PM | Just because she's happy from this news, doesn't mean she hasn't let go.
Of course we're allowed to hold animosity towards exes, that's why we're exes.
You're her friend, she confides in you. You're there for support not criticism.
If her ex did something bad to her, of course the charma logic feels really good.
It's not unhealthy unless she goes on about it for years to come, or plots to kill him.
If it bothers you ask her not to talk about it around you.
"if it's just natural for us to feel a little strange, when we find out that someone we were involved with has moved on to another relationship, and seem happy?. Is it ok for them to move on just as long as they are not trading up?"
What does trading up mean?
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:51:09 PM | | My ex was a sad, unhappy man. I wish him nothing but joy. In the absence of any information to the contrary, I choose to believe he has found happiness. If he finds happiness with a younger, hotter woman, it doesn't change my sadness that we couldn't make it together, but I can still be happy for him. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:56:05 PM | | I can't imagine anyone being that hard-pressed for company to take the ex on, but you never know. I used to desire his untimely demise from a distasteful misadventure, but he's since been replaced, so I don't think about him much anymore, or the bad mix of memories that caused the hate. I guess he deserves happiness...in the next several lifetimes. Just kidding! No, I hope he does find someone nice who he will be nice to, or else! Love, Titus | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:56:37 PM | | I wish for happiness for my ex because we share custody of our children. She however has gone bonkers and after meeting a guy in Feb. moved him in just a month later. I've recently found out he's a convicted felon that served over 5 years in prison. She doesn't understand why this bothers me. I still wish her happiness, but I don't want our boys in that situation. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:56:59 PM | | I had a love / hate relationship with the ex. I was bitter about it at first but over it, I just wouldn't be the same person I once was if we were to ever meet again that's all. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:59:12 PM | I wish my xs well, and dont give them any thought, bad or good
I am happy to be free to find a new partner, so why shouldnt I wish that for everyone else on the planet including them....... | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 5:59:26 PM | | Actually, I don't really wish anything bad on my exes. Most of them have changed by now, and just because we weren't compatible doesn't mean they won't be with someone else. Not that I always feel this way- post breakup, I probably don't have many kind things to say about someone- but when things fade, so does my anger. I don't have the energy to maintain fiery passion for exes. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:09:00 PM | "what does trading up mean?"
Lets me see if i can explain it in car terms...... You are driving a dodge neon and trade it in for a Mercedes Benz.... That would be trading up. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:11:55 PM | | They always say the best revenge is to live well, and I'm doing my best to do just that. My ex did me wrong in a big way, both during our marriage and then all during the divorce process, doing petty little things and spreading rumors about me, when all I wanted to do was get it over with and move on with my life. I admit to a certain sense of schadenfreude when hearing about all the troubles she's had since she decided she wanted a divorce, but I also feel sorry for her, for making such an absolute mess out of her life. She brought it all on herself though, and karma seems to have paid her back many times over, more so than I ever could have, and that's enough for me. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:24:31 PM | If you care what happens to your ex (good or bad), you still care about your ex.
My ex was the leaver over 8 years ago and that women still spits venom at me... I can't understand how or why she can still be so angry but I really just dont care either.
As for your friend taking glee in her ex's plight, Karma will deal with her in her own time. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:28:28 PM | I wish nothing but happiness for my ex. She has gone back to school and that is going really good. I wish she did not smoke. I tell her that all the time.
I was dating a woman who was very upset that her ex of over 20 years had a long term girlfriend and that he moved on. She dumped him. One of the things she said to me was that that his girlfriend was so ugly. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:32:18 PM | Honestly I don't think about anyone I've previously dated. I don't make an effort to keep in contact with them, so I would have no idea what is going on in their lives. Vice versa I have tried the chatty so "what's going on" but there's really no point to it.
More often than not, just my experience, the staying in touch is keeping a foot in the door and I don't care to go over again the "why we're not together". When it's over for me, it's over, the chapter is permanently closed.
Staying "in touch" has meant either they're asking too many personal questions, way too curious about what's going on in my life they're no longer a part of.
It's up to everyone to do what they feel is best for them, for those that do keep in touch with their exes that I know about, I have never known it not to be they're trying to keep some "hook" and the chatty, newsy stuff always ends up with someone dredging up all the old stuff.
If you have no contact, then you don't know what they're doing and they don't know what's going on in your life. If the situation was the OP was a clean break, she wouldn't have any reason to be ticked off or have bad feelings.
The only exception is if there were children involved. If not, I truly believe it's best to make a totally clean break.  | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 6:45:59 PM |
Some of us hold such animosity towards our exes. To the point of not ever wanting them to be happy. I wonder if we think that's healthy? Don't we have to let go of the past before we can truly look towards the future?.
Good question, best answer I figure is that those who are stuck in doing it aren't bothering to wonder if it's healthy. They're not ready to let go. Too much bitterness, anger, rage, unspoken words that can only come out once it's OVER. Everyone's different, but the answer to the key "I wonder if we think that's healthy" is that the question of "is this healthy" probably never crosses the person's mind until they're already letting go of the anger. Then the realization hits that it wasn't healthy. For some. I've seen others keep doing it all their lives. Sad but true. Not healthy. It makes for a bitter person. bitter is ugly.
I also wonder if it's just natural for us to feel a little strange, when we find out that someone we were involved with has moved on to another relationship, and seem happy?.
It's not strange if WE are healthy. If it didn't work with us, then wouldn't we want them to find what works for them? I'd rather find what works for ME than stay in an unhappy relationship.
Is it ok for them to move on just as long as they are not trading up?
Doesn't matter if they're trading up. Unless you're stuck on feeling all the shit from it ending with them. Then the bitterness and "oh they're a jerk because they're doing BETTER."
It's ugly crap. Personally I hope my ex finds happiness with someone else. He deserves it, even though he didn't have his act together and we didn't work out, maybe he'll get it together and find someone else. The alternative would be for him to stay an angry bitter man.
I don't wish that on anyone that I once loved.
I think your friend is locked in her unresolved feelings. Maybe she'll get better. Maybe you should call her on this? But she probably won't "hear" it. Which you can't fix. But you're a good friend to listen to her rant, hard to do that huh? | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:01:23 PM |
You're her friend, she confides in you. You're there for support not criticism.
I disagree with this. A good friend knows when you need support or when you need criticism. A good friend will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:02:09 PM | Most of my exes are doing well and I'm very happy for them. I've always had a rather perverse sense of *satisfaction*? that people are in a good place after having been in a relationship with me.
Thee are two that make me a little nervous though. One is a trainwreck and keeps initiating conversations... I *know* it will always go sideways so I politely sidestep involvement and limit it to the bare minimum. The other - even two years later - hasn't moved on yet so his overtures of friendship aren't authentic.
Bottom line: I wish they would get happier and more engaged with their lives so they are less inclined to try to stay in contact with me. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:04:49 PM | Not at all - just because it didn't work between us doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve a happy life.
I've only ever gone out with girls who I thought (and still think) were nice people. Just because it ended between us doesn't stop them being nice people.
In one case I looked back and realised that she wasn't as nice as I thought (hey, I was young and lovestruck... ) I felt some animosity towards her for a while after we broke up before realising that it was taking time and energy that I would rather spend elsewhere. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:18:16 PM | | I wish no ill will to anyone, let alone someone i once cared about. This line of thinking is quite foreign to me. So much so that i am wondering if i need to reevaluate my friendship with this person. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 7:24:13 PM |
I wish they would get happier and more engaged with their lives so they are less inclined to try to stay in contact with me.
Margo hits another one out of the ballpark...homerun!! I cringe then the "sympathy" card gets played. Ehh..you live, you learn.
The "I'm hurting"....waa....or even visiting my friends/neighbors. In hindsight, it's just a ploy. Trying to keep the foot in the door...it's really useless.
It's almost like a pity date...waaa...yeah you whine so much I'll just go out with you....it's the pity ex...let's just be friends and go to lunch or meet for a drink.
It typically starts out "innocent" so....how is your job, how's the kids....blah blah. Then...what do you talk about...it seems inevitably...back to the breakup convo. What happened...what did I do?
I've never broken up with someone that it was a surprise or there wasn't a good amount of "let's talk"....I never dated or had a relationship with someone that I ended with an email..phone call. They're not that surprised...well yeah...maybe if they'd paid attention (that's a biggie with me) and I'm not severe, if they're trying or making any attempt or even acknowledge what I had talked to them about.
They only remember after we've broken up and they can play the sympathy card to "talk again". Ehh...well by then it's too late, it's over. I pay for my drink (if I haven't already) and leave.
I can't feel sympathy or empathy for someone who's been well informed and knows what the problem areas are and do nothing to the point I decided to call and end to it.
What IS there to talk about, I take no pleasure or no revengeful pleasure knowing they're hurting or suffering regret. I won't put that on me, they knew what they needed to do or try to do to make it work. After that, it's history. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:06:13 PM | | i dont wish bad things on anyone, but i strongly believe karma, what comes around goes around, if it does he will live in hell | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:09:40 PM | I do not wish anything bad on anyone. That just makes for some bad karma. I can confess though that if someone did me wrong and then the same thing happened to them, I might giggle because it is karma paying them back and then hopefully their eyes will be opened to the fact that when you do wrong to others, you are gonna have the same happen to you.
~Carrie | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:14:43 PM | | I don't wish the worst for my ex, in fact I wish the best of luck for the new girlfriend. I endured a lot of abuse emotionally in that relationship and I hate watching his current fiancee go through it. I do not step into their relationship..it's their lives...not mine. At the same time, I am glad that she sticks through it because then he has no choice but to leave me alone (although he still annoys me). We have a child together and I know my daughter needs her father in her life and that is why I have such a tolerance for him. So my answer is no. | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:16:57 PM | Ha! I wish all my exes all the best.
One ex I am even attending his wedding in a couple of months to a lovely lady  | |
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| Do you wish the worst for your ex?
Posted: 5/3/2008 8:22:33 PM | I don't like being simplistic (but I'll cave now and then...haha) really there's just some things you don't need to know or want to know. There's just no reason to, if it's someone that's no longer in your life....why the need/want for the info?
Not like I couldn't if there was some umm...well whatever desire to know..there isn't. And there's no reason for the other person to know what's going on in my life.
Unless there's one person or the other trying to keep a hook or a foot in the door. I'm completely disinterested after I've broken up with someone and they're no longer in my life.
To wish them anything would mean that I was thinking about them...it works so well for me...that even early in the ehh..."breakup"...it was well whathisname.
Not worth the effort to remember his name..the person I was talking to laughed...had known me for awhile said wow, that's great. I wish I could say whatshername...
Some things just have no value in remembering. Some things are just better forgotten.
I think many people would be so much better off and healthier forgetting than trying to hang onto "memories". Someone who says that....ehh...well...someone who wants to make the "memories" what it's all about. That's someone that in my experience is totally forgetful.  | |
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