| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:30:38 AM | Well the title says it all. And I am actually looking for real advice here. I am not trying to start a pity thread. Basically all my life my parents have dictated to me how I should live my life. We moved to Spain when I was twelve, and ever since I have been unable to settle anywhere and can't make friends easily. Now I am living back in UK where I am living in THEIR flat whilst they're living in Spain. But even from afar they still tell me more or less what I can and can't do and if I try to do something different I'm basically seen as 'stupid'. My latest thing is I would like to travel the world next year and all my parents did was laugh at me. I am also studying to take my Maths GCSE qualification this year and all my father does is laugh at me and thinks its hilarious.
I am going to Spain on 1st June and I wanted to extend my flights and stay a bit longer whereas my parents will be moving back down to Malaga, so I said I would stay in a cheap motel and get a coach back to Alicante airport, again I was just laughed at and told to think properly. Now I am starting to lose it as I feel like I have absolutely no control. I hate upsetting my parents and they know that - I am now beginning to feel trapped. Anyone have any advice for me? | |
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| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:04:06 AM | I don't know you or your parents enough to know why they'd laugh at what you want to do.
It seems unreasonable that they would laugh at you getting an education if they honestly thought you were serious.
Perhaps they don't think you are serious about things. That you have not shown commitment in the past. Maybe you need to be more independent and commit to something to show them differently.
Again, I have no idea the details of your life or your parents' view of you. | |
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| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 3:59:12 AM | ^^I think that's an awesome response because the only people with an ounce of insight would be your parents. Perhaps you should ask them why they respond to you as they do? Perhaps they don't think the way you approach things is correct, or that you're lacking in the kind of responsibility and commitment to see something all the way through, or perhaps lacking in coping skills? We don't know!
Now, if you choose to do that and come back and tell us what they said, then we might be able to offer ways to address/cope with what they said. :)
Most parents simply want the best for their kids, and aren't trying to be party poopers. Give them a chance to help you. | |
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| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 4:32:24 AM | Well, first, they're your parents. Some of their advice is going to be useful. They've been around the block, so to speak.
They can't control you at the age of 20 if you don't let them, especially if you can support yourself. Move out of their flat and start making your own decisions. If you can prove to them that you can take care of yourself and still get ahead, maybe you will earn their respect. | |
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| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 5:13:39 AM | | I'm 39, and still get similar attitude from my mother. When she starts with something like that, I always remind her that she raised me to be an independent, thinking person, does she really think she failed? It usually shuts her up for a moment at least. lol You just have to prove yourself by being consistent and not depending on them for anything. Don't run to them with every little concern or issue. They might never change, but you know, I bet they brag to their friends about you all the time. | |
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| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:36:00 AM |
I don't know you or your parents enough to know why they'd laugh at what you want to do.
It seems unreasonable that they would laugh at you getting an education if they honestly thought you were serious.
Perhaps they don't think you are serious about things. That you have not shown commitment in the past. Maybe you need to be more independent and commit to something to show them differently.
Again, I have no idea the details of your life or your parents' view of you. I agree with Vancer.
Having read another thread of yours which talks about how you always end up sleeping with a man who you know is bad news and apparently have no clue about either taking responsibility for your own actions or about impulse control suggests to me that your parents have good reasons for their views.
You will always be their baby, even when you are 50, if you are lucky, but if you act like a responsible adult and not like a baby then you will realise that it's already time to stop blaming your parents (or the man whose bed you land up in) for your choices. When you start taking responsibility for where you are in life and what you are doing you will realise that you can be the boss of you. Until then, it's a good parent who will take control for you. | |
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| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 6:50:29 AM | When you say that you are living in your parent's flat. Does that mean that you are not paying rent? If this is the case, and you are sponging off your parents then you are allowing them to retain a certain control over your life. My suggestion would be to get your own place and show some Independence. This would be a big step in showing your parents that you are serious.
They can be thinking: "How can our daughter, who we are still supporting, be serious about traveling the world next year?"
That would make me chuckle too. | |
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| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:51:02 AM | | I have always wanted to move out - but my parents try to dissuade me from doing so by saying I should live life first before I start having to pay bills etc. And my dad has said instead of paying rent I am to pay council tax each month. So I am contributing something! I also buy my own food and look after the flat when the're away, I have to keep it nice and tidy for when they return as it's THEIR flat and they can show up at any time. I also have our pet to look after, which they brought over at Christmas, she hasn't been very well and it's been quite tough cos she's an old girl. So it's not like I have NO responsibility whatsoever. | |
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| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:05:03 AM | Having read another thread of yours which talks about how you always end up sleeping with a man who you know is bad news and apparently have no clue about either taking responsibility for your own actions or about impulse control suggests to me that your parents have good reasons for their views
That's an interesting observation. ^^^^^
It seems to be a rather regular pattern in these forums for people start a thread to complain about others. In most threads, the OP refuses to shoulder their responsibility with the outcome.
And my dad has said instead of paying rent I am to pay council tax each month. So I am contributing something! I also buy my own food and look after the flat when the're away, I have to keep it nice and tidy for when they return as it's THEIR flat and they can show up at any time. I also have our pet to look after, which they brought over at Christmas, she hasn't been very well and it's been quite tough cos she's an old girl. So it's not like I have NO responsibility whatsoever
As I read the above reply, I couldn't help but think she hasn't a clue. All those things she describes is basic living needs and functions yet... she claims to be contributing. Funny though, I see that as basic life functions regardlress if your parents are alive or deceased.
Words such as "disuade", "insist" are all play words. I'm sure, if the other poster is correct in mentioning past behaviour of the OP, blondebabi would not let parents "insist" or "disuade" her from having sex with the aforementioned men who are "bad news".
My daughters have a similar attitude.... almost. In my opinion, you may be reaping what you sow. | |
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| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 10:37:29 AM | | Get your mitts on a copy of Menendez, a 1994 made-for -tv movie starring Edward James Olmos and Beverly D'Angelo... makes a great Mother's and/or Father's Day gift! | |
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| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 11:03:09 AM | I have always wanted to move out - but my parents try to dissuade me from doing so by saying I should live life first before I start having to pay bills etc.
Just because they are trying to dissuade you doesn't mean they you must LET them dissuade you. It sounds to me like you are letting them control the aspects of your life that you don't want to deal with while you are complaining about them controlling the aspects that you do want to deal with. There is only one solution...get away. As long as you live under their roof, you are giving them permission to control you. If you truly want to be free from their grasps, you can't be dependent on them.
Besides, if your father says that you should live life before having to pay bills he is a moron. You are 20 years old. Paying bills is part of life. Why do you think people like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are so screwed up? No one ever taught them what it was to be responsible. Only what it was to "live life".
Bottom line, if you want advise as to how to deal with overbearing parents, stop using them as a crutch. | |
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| Controlling Parents. What Should I Do?
Posted: 5/4/2008 11:42:16 AM | Talk with a therapist trained in DBT (Dielectical Behavior Therapy)..... That kind of counselling is very effective in learning how to deal with controlling parents.
My mother has tried to control my opinions, but I have found ways to drop the subject without getting into any kind of argument. Fact is, I can't change her, any more than she can change me. The more I realize this the better off I am. As much as I find her political views deplorable, I do what I can to say something to the effect, "I don't want to go down that road," or "let's agree to disagree," or something of that sort. Words along that line are often a good way to make the controlling person knock off the attempts to control your views.
Hopefully I will be able to relocate in a month or two so that I can get involved more in progressive causes so that she can't throw a hissy fit every time I get involved in supporting politicians she doesn't like. I long to be involved, and look forward to meeting more like-minded liberals who share the same concerns I have about the issues of the day. | |
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