| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:15:22 PM | Hi all, when I started POF like many other pof'ers (i assume) I wanted to have a relationship with someone. I felt lonely at the time and hoped I could find someone online. Well after a number of dates (especially one) Ive come to realise that for me its not going to happen. Dont get me wrong, Im glad I've experienced online dating but with the knowledge Ive come to acquire about guys they're generally only after one thing...anyways my question now Ive become more truthful when men mail me. What I mean is when any guy mails me and I dont find him attractive I wouldve made up something because I'd hate to hurt their feelings. Whereas now, I dont really care if hes not my type I'm more upfront and dont really worry about his feeling. I feel like maybe im losing a bit of control. My job influences how I feel about somebody and to make decisions concerning their welfare. This may sound idiotic but Im generally worried do you think POF can make you feel like your losing your self confidence, your inability to attract the 'one' you want, maybe making you to become 'harder'. Id hate to think this is changing me as a person. I do tend to over analyse myself, maybe thats what im doing here lol....anyways anybody else who feels that they've changed tatics regarding pof....maybe thats all it is, maybe thats what ive done.....thanks for your replies.......x | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:40:47 PM | Perception plays a big role in what you are describing. Quite honestly, when I joined PoF and started reading the forums I had quite some positive discoveries, although I've neer really had negative feelings towards men.
It's all still there. You and I can read the same thread and you'll interpret things one way and I'll interpret them another. I don't know who is right but I'm sure that I'm happier and I feel that it has a positive effect on others around you too when you believe the best of them.
So, the experience alone is not enough to determine your condition - your condition, your perspective and your reaction are determined by your state of mind. Now you may believe that you want to find a good man etc etc but I suggest that you ask yourself this: is some part of your current identity dependent on your belief that men are not good people in general, not people who are deserving of your care and consideration.
Suppose for one moment that most men are decent human beings. How would that being true make you feel about yourself, who you are, the things you've experienced? Would it threaten the negative beliefs you have about yourself. If you stop believing that men are evil and pushing them away do you risk discovering that you are loveable?
Just something for you to ponder privately if you wish, not asking for a response on this very personal issue.
Something you may find interesting reading is Carl Rogers who talks about the cycles we get into and the tricks that our own minds will play on us in order to preserve the identity we have associated with even though this identity may be false and negative - e.g. "I am unloveable" can lead to sabotaging or avoiding the chance to develop a relationship because doing so would threaten the belief of "I am unloveable". -- The drive of the brain to preserve identity, especially when feeling fearful, is amazingly powerful.
Make a special effort to notice the good men on PoF. Pick a thread at random and find something positive to believe about each and every man who posts to it. Practising positive perception may reduce your overly negative ones. | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:47:11 PM | I think thats more of a positive change, the truth is not a dirty word you know, its a good thing to be upfront rather than lie, not sure what you think your losing control of though.
Dishonesty on here makes the guys jaded, i can sniff out a lie from miles away so i know when something is bs, but it hurts more that all these women that dont want me feed me the bs answers to *protect* my feelings and therefore achieve the opposite effect.
Dont think you can throw a blanket over every guy's eyes. | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:55:22 PM | I don't think you are becoming harder, it was always there but you kept it hidden from yourself. The only thing that this computer does for you is allow you to act somewhat ugly and not pay the consequences because you don't have to face the hurt or anger in someone's eyes. You don't have to make up some grandiose thing to gently let someone down.
Guys have always been after primarily one thing so this should not be a news flash although it can be disappointing because you I am sure figured that guys would be more mature, yada, yada. Well they are not, and you are not going to find someone in five minutes, doesn't have anything to do with your ability to attract, just luck and you knowing and finding what you want.
It is actually a good thing that you are single, illustrates that you learned something from your last relationship and are waiting for the right guy. Things seemed easier before because you really were not aware of the people you did not want in a way that you are now. You also don't need someone, but want someone in your life, so the whole thing is different.
Take a deep breath, and just remember that when it is time, it will happen. May not even be here but in the meantime you get some good advice or recipes. | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:13:48 PM | I can relate to you OP. What has worked for me is not to put all my eggs in one basket. It would be great to meet someone from this site, but I dont rely on it anymore. I have made some really great friends on here, and enjoy the forums as well. If I meet someone from here that would be great but, socializing and meeting people in the real world are great options as well.This site will get you down if you let it. All guys are NOT after one thing though. Anybody can get laid and I want much more than that. Ultimately, I am looking for my best friend. We all get e-mails from people we are not attracted to but I dont think not worrying about a persons feelings is the right way to be. I dont like to be mean to anybody because after all, we are all here for the same thing. Well, at least most of us anyway, not counting the married ones or idiots on here. Think back when you were lonely and how you would have felt if a guy rejected you in a harsh way. It never hurts to be nice, and if anything it helps attract better people. Just a bald guys opinion.  | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 1:26:09 PM | Just be yourself, and play it by ear. Treat people like you want them to treat you, is all you have to do; If they don't , then run like hell. There is one (or ?) out there for certain, that will be just right, when you do find him. Anything good, is well worth waiting for. (I keep telling myself that !) Don't settle for any less than what makes you happy; No man, is better than a Bad one, for sure. See? It could be worse !! | |
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Posted: 5/4/2008 1:44:56 PM | | What you have to understand is that some people will hide behind the anonymity that the Internet presents and will be jerks, sending you nasty messages. And by all means, if someone writes and is rude to you, go ahead and blast them back and be as rude as you like (although in my experience that just adds fuel to their fire and it turns into a pissing match; best to just delete, and block if they bother you again.) But if someone writes to you sincerely, why not have any regard for their feelings, even if you aren't interested? Its easy enough to say thanks but no thanks and wish them good luck in their search. I'm sure you wouldn't feel good about someone treating you with complete disregard for your feelings. Perhaps you are overanalyzing all of this. It sounds to me like you are asking if its OK, because of some bad experiences and frustration, if its alright to be b i t c h y to someone who doesn't deserve it. I can understand frustration, but blaming it for changing your behavior and using it as an excuse to be rude just doesn't fly. Be true to who you are, and judge people on their individual merits, not by your past experiences. As has been said, treat people the way you want to be treated, and in spite of the occasional bumps in the road, you'll be just fine. | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 3:48:01 PM | Firstly, I think you should be honest with people.
However, I much prefer a no reply than get a message saying that I am ugly etc etc
How would you feel if a man said "Sorry, your too old" "Sorry your too ugly" etc etc
What made you think you would meet Mr Right on a dating site ?
In my experience most people live too far away and those that live close I rarely fancy or they dont fancy me. So Internet dating is a waste of time for me, I am just on for the craic.
I do better turning up at a city center club and pulling there. At least I didnt have to drive 100+ miles to meet someone who in the end wasnt interested anyway ! | |
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Posted: 5/4/2008 4:21:43 PM | I think in todays day and age the internet has created people that can't communicate in a one on one setting.
Another problem is we are obsessed with getting the perfect person. I see guys that are fat, and lazy, wanting a 21 year old super model and when they can't get them, they say there is no one out there and how do you meet people.
I see women in their 20's with multiple kids from different guys, then wanting to date someone who's responsible and has a great career.
Online dating is one of the last things I use; I enjoy interacting but to be honest its a huge risk because most people only show their best.
You should not rely on online dating as your more important way to date. Get out there, and get involved in things and with people that you enjoy and you will be fine. | |
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Posted: 5/4/2008 8:05:15 PM | | The thing POF has shown me, is I don't have good judgement when dating!! lol....I'm a very trusting person, and I believe in the best of people in general. The people I've met are very good at deceit, and I now know my judgement sucks!!! | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:34:52 PM | After a while you do get a bit jaded.
When you constantly keep having let down after let down, it has a tendancy to make you a bit bitter. To be honest, I felt that way. I've met wonderful men who in turn have known for a few years and I've become really great friends with and yet still had the misfortune of dating the ultimate @$$holes.
I learn something new and different everyday from this site.
Keeping positive people and experiences around you make everything easier and it doesn't hurt to take most of it with a grain of salt. | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:55:28 PM | OP, I agree completely. I gave this site a chance, I tried working on it for about a year (I know my account isn't a year old, this was on a previous account). When I started I thought I had a good attitude, and was generally positive about the prospect of meeting someone special off of here.
However, I could never get any response from women who I were interested in (and yes, they were in my league). The only women who took an active interest in me were 15 years too old, 100 lbs too heavy, and had more ex-husbands and children than can be counted on one hand. With a LOT of work, I did manage to set up some dates, but was usually stood up or cancelled on last minute. One time I thought I lucked out and met someone special, but they pulled the vanishing act after a couple of dates. After that, I threw in the towel.
This site did nothing for me except hurt my self conscious and self esteem, and serve to build bitterness & resentment. I don't use this site as a dating site anymore. What I do use it for is I when I am feeling down about being single, and start to get the urge to consider giving online dating another try, I head on over to the forums here. After a half hour of reading I am reminded of how delusional and unrealistic the female online dating pool is, and I am cured of any desire to throw myself back out there.
Of course, your milage may vary. | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 8:59:18 PM | Hi,
Wow does your topic ring home for me! I would have to say, YES definately it has made me harder and made me question myself and my own worth... as well as made me less sensitive with regards to responses to men ... its a dog-eat-dog internet land out there.. MOST people are focused on the photo first--- though most people in general life are first attracted by looks, you get a better first-hand sense when you meet in person of someones entire body language, chemistry etc so I think its harder on the internet to make connections for that reason and for the fact that when you;re not meeting someone in the flesh for the first time but talking to them from the distance of a computer screen -- after years of this, you then tend to become desensitized, sloppy in communications and less aware of how you communicate with a person - as well as feeling demoralized and "invalidated" as a person yourself; after-all unless you run into some kind of nut-bag stalker, what are they going to do? They cant hit you! lol so they dont think so much about how they treat you online.
So-- again, it has a lot to do with proximity.
I have felt very demoralized by online dating in many ways because of this-- but in other ways I have been grateful for the service because I have met some wonderful people and made some great friends and lovers. Still no husband yet--- but I'm still young enough I think....
Kudos to you for being aware --- but still, try to not let yourself get desensitized-- then it makes you less human and considerate-- and forwards a sloppy shallow method of communication that causes harm in the long run for everyone whether they know it yet or not... We can all set a better standard of communication despite the lack of physical proximity...
Good luck! | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:27:59 PM | In real life, co-workers or friends, or even friends-of-friends, you automatically have a vested interest in not coming across as being curt or rude because in all likelihood you'll come into contact with them again, or have to get along with them at work.
Those interpersonal relationships don't exist for most here. If you're tired of being contacted or for some reason you're not attracting the kind of person you're interested in, take a break and change your screen name to forums-only.
$.02 | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 9:49:06 PM | Okay, I must be the oddball here, because I have yet to have a negative experience on this site, and the men I speak to, have been nothing but kind, considerate, and understanding, and also humourous. Have made some friends on here, that I value as well. But, I don't sweat the small stuff. And yes, I have also sent the " I appreciate your interest, but dont feel it's feasible at this time" And I go on to explain why, but let them know they are special souls, and there is someone out there for them also. One fellow raged to me about the fact I knew nothing about him, and went on and on in such a temper, he proved my instinct right.
So, yes, I feel for their feelings, and if I get a rejection, no big deal. i can't miss what I haven't had.
But, I still have hope I will find him, and I believe I have. Only time will tell. And if it doesn't work out, oh well, another Learning Curve for me.
No blame, no hate, Just on to hte next bus , please,. | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/4/2008 11:25:55 PM | OK,OP,
(or somebody) Work with me here, I must be really thick. What in blue blazes does this thread have to do with " losing control " ? What kind of "control" did you have, and how do perceive that you are "losing" it? | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/5/2008 5:50:09 AM |
Work with me here, I must be really thick. What in blue blazes does this thread have to do with " losing control " ? What kind of "control" did you have, and how do perceive that you are "losing" it?
A lack of desire to bestow common courtesy and other social mores based on a lack of reciprocity? | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:13:46 AM | You have to choose what you do with the experiences you encounter...they certainly can make you less of a person if you allow it. Someone has obviously hurt you! Learn from it, but don't take it out on other people...that's not the kind of person you want to be is it??? Does it make you feel good when you're careless with other peoples feelings??? I can tell it doesn't...I can tell that's not who you want to be!! | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:38:26 AM | Thanx SlingDad,
This seems a much more accurate description.I haven't experienced this phenomenon in this situation, but I'm still a newcomer, and nobody's bugging me for sex or sending pictures of body parts.(please don't start) | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:03:24 AM | You need to be strong emotionally, mentally, financially and physically before you embark on any journey in life, including dating. That way when you are faced with hard situations and experiences, you can bounce back to yourself. Whenever you feel like you are losing control, just take a break, regroup and regain yourself back.
I feel like you can't give up. That no matter what, you need to keep trying because you never know what might happen. If anything, by going out and meeting new people you are learning what you do not want from another person, you are meeting new people and are gaining experience dating. So even if it does not work out, turn the experiences into positive ones.
Good luck and hang in there. You will find the "one" one day.  | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/5/2008 8:11:36 AM | I found it exposed to me types of people Iwouldnt normally come across in my everyday life, I have hidden my profile.......
I think once you have been exposed you have been exposed, so it can change you, hopefully it is a learning curve into what lurks ou there......
You will appreciate someone who behaves properly and who is genuinley interested next time one comes into your life.......
I look at it as being a part of the era we are living we in and am glad I have tried it, but will opt for the usual way of meeting
by chance when I least expect it........ | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:32:18 AM | > with the knowledge Ive come to acquire about guys they're generally only after one thing...
Perhaps "Eunuchs `R Us" would suit you better...
Oh well, at least you gals only have to deal with the other sex wanting just one thing, whereas us guys have to contend with women wanting EVERYTHING. Oops, I used the "s" word...
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:04:40 AM | I to have a job which facilitates positive change in people. I do not like having to imagine someone getting hurt, if I say no. Although we all have a right to do this.
We are not responsible for others feelings, and as long as you are not replying with overt nastiness or destructive criticism. There is nothing more that you can do.
I thought at the beginning that this would be a good place to meet people with a view to finding a relationship. However after a year I have found that it is not that easy.
One thing that I have done is to refine my profile to reflect who I am and what I want. I have been extremely direct.
I am not getting much mail now. But at least I know that the people that respond. (As long as they read my profile!). Will have more of an idea about what they will expect from me. It can be a little lonely on here now LOL, but I will not have to reject to many people.
Maybe you can be a little more explicit about what you want and more so what you don't.
Hope this helps.
Ms Cat | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:15:05 AM | | Just say "we don't click." That simple line conveys rejection and doesn't leave them with anything to write you back about. If somebody rejects you and misread you, then you very often want to clarify things. If you say too many nice things to a person whom you reject, they still might not quit. Short and simple works. | |
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| Losing control!
Posted: 5/5/2008 10:43:18 AM | I have read and participated in a number of your threads OP. I fear your problem is not a matter of anyone or thing online but one of your own making I'm sad to say. That is not to say that it is your FAULT or that in anyway I am saying you are bad, merely rather that you have created it. We all do in a way create our own dooms and demons but let me be a bit clearer.
You post here in your OP that you were lonely and hoped you would find someone on line. You also write that you've come to acquire knowlege about guys that they just want sex. Now however a few lines down comes out the true problems. Any guy you don't find attractive you no longer politely reject you tell them their ugly. You final sentance wraps the tail "Do you think POF can make you feel like your losing your self confidence, your ability to attract the one you want maybe making you to become harder"
So you have created the walls of your own cage.
Men should not see you as a sex object but as a partner: Wall
You want to view the man as a sex object (attractive) you will allow nothing else: Wall
Men should be able to tell that you won't find them attractive: Wall
Men should be polite and mannered at all times when dealing with you: Wall
You have boxed yourself in with requirements you, yourself are not fully willing to comply with. That isn't to say these requirements are unreasonable merely that the Universe such as it is doesn't really follow the guidelines we want it to. You are concerned that you might be losing your self confidence in attracting the one you want, but in truth the problem is more elemental and at the same time more simple. As the prophetic words of music have said "You can't always have what you want, but sometimes if you try real hard you just might find you have what you need" You you are truely seeking what all really are seeking is to find a connection to not be lonely and alone. Try finding less faults in others and seeking more the ones that weaken yourself.
You want to discuss eroded self confidence believe me I can easily find those who are worse off then you. But how you treat others and yourself is a choice you can only turn rude if you allow the rudeness of others to govern you. Its YOUR choice and no one elses no one can make you do it. | |
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